feelinglikeadumpsterfire,
How long ago was your affair? I am assuming it was recent since you registered here just recently.
It is good to hear that you two are working on healing, and it sounds like you are still talking to each other enough to share some of your thoughts and feelings. It is also good to see that you are attempting to take ownership of your actions and realize that they were wrong, and that you need to make some personal changes in order to make sure this never happens again. This is what you should be doing, so kudos to you for that.
That being said, I'd also gently suggest that worrying about your fiancé's reactions right now is not really where you should be focusing your efforts. It's not that you don't love your fiancé; it is simply too soon in the healing timeline.
Imagine you are walking down the street, when a mugger suddenly pulls you into a dark alley. He beats you soundly with a baseball bat, breaking bones, giving you a concussion, and telling you what a stupid loser you are the whole time, before grabbing your valuables and spitting on you. Just before he leaves, he says, "Hey, sorry about beating the crap out of you, but I'm kind of worried you might try to sweep this under the rug rather than deal with it, and I just want you to know... I'm here for you."
The problem isn't that he cares. The problem is that you are still lying on the ground bleeding, and he's the one who did that to you. The mugging is over for him. It's just begun for you. And whatever you do to recover from this, is none of his f'n business right now. What he (and you) now need to do is to go "fix your own shit" and allow your victim to go recover as well. And recovery from this kind of trauma is not quick.
Now, imagine something else. Imagine that some years pass. You went to the hospital and were healed, and have been in therapy and are working through the trauma. In that same time, the mugger turned himself in and did time for his crime. He's been to several therapists and has been taking his recovery seriously. He paid for all of your hospital bills and added extra to help you survive during your recovery, and did so without being asked. He joined mens groups about anger management, has done well and hasn't missed a meeting, ever. He speaks at groups, sharing his story and helping others to escape his fate. When he talks about what happened, you can see the shame and remorse in his face. He never tries to deny or minimize what he did, and never gets defensive, even when confronted about it. He seems like a changed person, and his desire to help you seems focused on actually helping you, not relieving his own guilt. Now would it be easier to accept his support for your recovery?
As WS's, it is natural for us want to heal things up quickly and cleanly. But that is just not how these things work. One of my therapists suggested that I consider how a shattered knee heals. It takes time, period. You could throw a million dollars and a hundred doctors at it, and it still would not heal any faster. It takes months, even years to heal a shattered knee, and you have to go in understanding that. Trying to make it heal faster, will only harm it more. Infidelity is similar. It takes time, 2-5 years in most case just to get to a "safe point" where the real healing, together, can start. I am currently at 10 years out. We are at a point now where we can easily talk about the affair and do frequently. It still hurts, it still sucks, and we can never un-ring that bell. But the massive pain is mostly gone, and usually, sharing stories about it makes us feel a little better, and brings us closer. But that took time, and man oh man did I suck as a husband for several years before I was able to actually see and understand just how awful I really was and how much damage I did. To her. To myself. To my family.
You are in a particularly tough spot, being that you are not even married and this is already an issue. To be honest with you, my usual advice is that, if you can't make it through your engagement without cheating, then you are not marriage material to begin with. Sorry if that hurts, I just see it as a reality. You don't hire a pyromaniac to work in a gasoline factory, and you don't marry a cheater. Just common sense and safety. So that.
But the truth is, whether it is this relationship or any other, you are not yet a safe person to be with. The only solution to that is for you to better understand the how and why of what led to you cheating in the first place, and that's gonna take some courage and introspection, and a lot of therapy. Do that, and do it with all your heart, and the end of the story may change for you. Go be a person that you can be proud of. Be a person that has respect for themselves and others. Be a person who knows themselves and what drives them. Have the courage to fail, and to face the things in your past that led you to be a dishonest and untrustworthy person. You can never take back what you did. But you can change what happens in the future, and that is your goal.
Keep coming back, and remember, you may not like all the responses you get here. You don't have to. But read them, and consider them, because every person here has some valuable advice for you, and the ones that piss you off the most, are usually the ones you need to hear the most. Best of luck to you.
