Yesterday was the three year mark since D-Day. D-Day is a funny kind of anniversary, one I’m sure we all wish we didn’t have!
I used it as a day of reflection. A day where I looked to see how far I/we have come and where I sit with my feelings.
Life is pretty much back to normal for us now. Normal in that we live day to day with no real issues, I don’t really need to talk about the A anymore (except maybe the occasional snide comment if their is affairs mentioned on TV or something). I still think about it though, probably more than I care to admit. I still look for her stupid car when I drive (I used to see her all the time after the A).
I look at the improvements in our relationship and in my WH behaviour. And I also note the behaviours that have not changed or only changed a bit. I am mostly content where we sit but I know deep deep down that the man I used to love will always be tainted in my eyes. I still care for him deeply but that love is well and truly gone.
I still won’t wear my rings anymore and when I think of ‘old age’ he’s not there. We are both working very hard at the moment to get us into a comfortable position for retirement but I see us going it alone, I’m not sure where he sits with this. I still struggle to believe him when he tells me he loves me. I just know how he was raised and how he lived prior to me gave him no clue how to love the way I want to be loved.
I think it’s a shame our lives have ended up this way. I can see how much our love story could have actually been a good one but that’s not the cards I’ve been dealt. I find it also sad for my husband because I honestly see how he has changed and how he tries to be a better person.
I know I sound ‘sad’ but I’m not. I’ve accepted this as my life and I find so much joy and happiness with my children, with my friends, with my career and with my hobbies/sport. And my relationship and our family is also fun and fulfilling with trips away and doing special events, it’s just our ‘marriage’ is done.
