April 17th was my D day. The day i wrote everything i had seen in 22 years of marriage and realized i was not crazy. I had not imagined things. She had had multiple affairs and sexual betrayals for our entire marriage. The first was just months after we said our vows with my best friend, on the couch while i dozed in our bedroom waiting for her to come back from "getting a drink of water" for 10 minutes.
so many discoveries.
1st year of marriage -
2 years into our marriage she planned a sex vacation where she spent 8 nights visiting her cousin and husband and doing threesomes with them every night.
and then there was her boss . i knew the first time they had sex because she came home guilty and fawning after a late night meeting.
each time she got better and better at hiding. deleting texts, etc. i dont think she stopped, she just got less sloppy.
A year ago i found mens underwear in her car. when i asked her whose it was she refused to answer and changed teh subject. twice.
now i am in so much pain. my initial feeling from the initial realization that i was not crazy was peace. i thought from that we could come to talk about it and heal after grieving together.
I spent a lot of time preparing a loving script to have this hard conversation. telling her nothing would ever change how much i loved her and how we needed to talk about our past and not hide from it.
She got into my computer and read it. she had answers for every question before i even finished the questions. she was gaslighting me, enraged and telling me i was delusional and i so desperately wanted to believe that i was wrong that somehow i had been mistaken. it was too surreal. how could she possibly do all these things. i crumbled. i told her i believed her and i did in the moment.
Since then ive come to realize that she gave herself away 5 times before she had finished talking. Even just the fact that she searched for my script titles "conversation with love" and used it as a weapon against me.
I'm in so much pain and i cant bear the fact that we might never talk about the truth. i have been living in a lie for 22 years while she has fucked and sucked her way through our marriage with other men.
i still love her unconditionally. there is nothing that can change that. but i want to know her. i want to grieve this together and try to rebuild something.
