SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Raise your hand if that never happened in your M for both sides. I'm not saying this is right, but it does happen and if it's not the normal it's also not the end of the world.

Depends on the reason. We're not talking about not being in the mood but lovingly giving your partner pleasure. We're talking about using guilt and humiliation to demand sex from an unwilling partner. I'll happily raise my hand and say that's never happened in my marriage.

hey any guys out there that can help me understand my WH? He has pretty serious E.D. issues, and had quit trying with me over the past 5 years. He wouldnt even get to a Dr. for help. I just had to live without! So he runs off and screws some douche bag of a girl for 4 to 5 times over a 4 month period. This was made possible by help from a Dr. but there were many more failed attempts than successes. Now he wants me back but says sex is embarassing and he only did it with her cause he did not care what she thought of his performance. Is this bull? He tortured me with no sex all those years . I am the one who should have strayed, but I remained faithful because the rest of our relationship was great, or so I thought. Any ideas? And should I insist on a new sex life with him even if it is difficult?

Depends on the reason. We're not talking about not being in the mood but lovingly giving your partner pleasure. We're talking about using guilt and humiliation to demand sex from an unwilling partner.

It wasn't about acusations or judgement. It was a genuine question based on the fact it would create the exact opposite feelings in me. It baffles me every time I see it.

It's the elephant in the room. If WS keeps denying sex to a BS this is exactly what is in his mind. Maybe it's not the best way to say it but there is so much lipstick you can put on that pig.

t/j.....Hi whatahorriblemes....

If he was able to screw the whore because he went to the doctor for help,he can certainly go back to the doctor for help or meds so he can have sex with his wife.

Make it a requirement of R...sex is an important part of any marriage...since he has the ability to have sex via a little help from the doctor,then he CAN have sex. If he is unwilling to go back to the doctor and get help,especially after he went to the doctor so he could have sex with the whore,that would be a dealbreaker for me.

It's the elephant in the room. If WS keeps denying sex to a BS this is exactly what is in his mind. Maybe it's not the best way to say it but there is so much lipstick you can put on that pig.

Yeah I get it and know all too well being gutted and feeling like a smear on the ground when your WS has happily screwed another person and there you are lying in bed next to them with their back to you after you've expressed a need and they've shot you down.

There really IS no lipstick you can put on that pig. It sucks, 100%. And guilting or humiliating them into sex doesn't change it either. Nothing makes it better in those moments. You might get them to tolerate your advances, but then you're left knowing they were ecstatic to do it with the OP, but they had to be forced to do it with you. The "victory" is pretty bitter.

In any case, phoenix, the original poster, said they'd had HB and that this particular night she wasn't in the mood - not that she was never in the mood. I think his point was a really good one: it's natural for one spouse to occasionally not be in sync and to say no. When that spouse is a WS, those natural moments feel different, they feel terrible, they kill your self esteem and anger you.

That's not the same scenario as later posters related, in which their spouse had cut off intimacy years before and then gave it up with abandon to the OP, then rejected their own spouse once again after dday. I think those scenarios are different from each other. Things on this thread have shifted farther and farther away from phoenix's original question.

If WS keeps denying sex to a BS this is exactly what is in his mind. Maybe it's not the best way to say it but there is so much lipstick you can put on that pig.

Jesus! There is another option. Not putting up with it any longer. You don't have to tolerate, excuse, dress up, suck up shit.

Of course that's in his mind. Lots of things are on people's minds.

Think a WS that has been ignored, dismissed, devalued, for years begging for any time like fucking Oliver Twist in Dickens, doesn't have things go through their mind? Like, what the fuck. You now can find time to VAR, keylog, track GPS, obsess over phone logs. You now are all over my shit like a bad rash but I could parade in front of you naked on fire and be invisible before? Now you have an interest because you are hurt but when I was...nothing? Sucking that up can blow epically. We chose that consequence when we chose our actions, though.  We blew any chance to work through that shit in a healthy way. Throwing that up would be the fucking worse thing to do. Can you not see the irony with that situation, though? Is there not a valid point in that scenario? Yes, I'm quite aware that's not everyone's situation.

I know it's hard to see. Marriages didn't begin with the affair. They ended. There are sometimes years of resentment, anger, shit, that may be very valid on both sides. Because some waywards picked an unbelievably self defeating way to deal with that shit it still is there but very off the table and has to be!

We all have clingers going through this shit. It's very very understandable. It's also important to remember that every day you stay is a choice you're making...not a commitment or a guarantee but a choice and you're also free to make a different choice.

It's not a choice between sucking it up and not saying anything seething and the way some have described handling it here. Doesn't mean you don't say, "hey, when this shit happens this is how I feel".

"How should I feel?" is a very different question than "How should I respond to those feelings". I think that's where the thread detoured.

In any case, phoenix, the original poster, said they'd had HB and that this particular night she wasn't in the mood - not that she was never in the mood. I think his point was a really good one: it's natural for one spouse to occasionally not be in sync and to say no. When that spouse is a WS, those natural moments feel different, they feel terrible, they kill your self esteem and anger you.

That's not the same scenario as later posters related, in which their spouse had cut off intimacy years before and then gave it up with abandon to the OP, then rejected their own spouse once again after dday. I think those scenarios are different from each other. Things on this thread have shifted farther and farther away from phoenix's original question.

Very well said.

I'll show my age here, but since d-day the lyrics from Cheap Trick took on a completely different meaning: "I want you to want me, I need you to need me, I'd love you to love me..."

We all have the right to define our expectations and the same rights to reject other's and move on. I don't expect my fWW to have sex with me, but I sure wish she would have only wanted me.

t/j joeboo ~ me too!

"I want you to want me, I need you to need me, I'd love you to love me..."

I can't tell you the number of times I just cried my eyes out to this song after d-day! end t/j

Jesus! There is another option. Not putting up with it any longer. You don't have to tolerate, excuse, dress up, suck up shit.

Yep, totally agree.

Think a WS that has been ignored, dismissed, devalued, for years begging for any time like fucking Oliver Twist in Dickens, doesn't have things go through their mind? Like, what the fuck. You now can find time to VAR, keylog, track GPS, obsess over phone logs. You now are all over my shit like a bad rash but I could parade in front of you naked on fire and be invisible before? Now you have an interest because you are hurt but when I was...nothing? Sucking that up can blow epically

But I'm always in favor of speaking up in case there is a problem. And if that doesn't work go back to what I just agreed.

Now, just because the WS didn't do that (telling me about the M problems; or leaving in case s/he told the BS) it doesn't mean that I won't do it because I will do it. It doesn't matter if it's related to sex, politics or house chores.

My FWW is much better now. She speaks up all the time. We have some fights but we always know if the other one is upset. It's a much healthier marriage this way.

(I'm also like this with other people though my FWW sometimes doesn't like it very much )