SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sister Milkshake, thank you so much. I want to be taken as a total package. But he made it clear because of his gestures and his wording that it was about my looks and I just didn't want to type all that crap out, it is kind of embarrassing.

SouthernGirl, I'm sorry, I know being cheated on has nothing to do with looks. I think what I am typing is coming out wrong.....I totally agree with you that it kind of makes me bristle a bit when I hear people talk about how awful the OP looks, but I think what most of them are saying is probably true, even if she looks like Christie Brinkley, most BS would probably say she was an ugly cow because when someone knowingly cheats with someone that is married, it automatically makes them ugly, plus it can make people feel better to put others down when they are feeling vulnerable themselves. I have my own issues with looks (which kind of confuses me these days). But I do know that personality makes HUGE difference to me in how I feel someone looks.

I am really grateful for this thread because like I said, looks are a really touchy issue for me, and I need to figure out a way to work this stuff out in my head.

And you are right, I just need to be comfy in my own skin. Sometimes I am, and sometimes I am just so cynical about any guy being nice to me at this point.....

As far as the WS, he was doing escorts. And I did find a picture of one of them, when the idiot forgot to delete a comment from one of his emails where he was negotiating price with her (lovely visual there, huh.)

She was a very big busted bleached blonde, who looked quite cheap. So after seeing that, I lost 20 pounds and started dressing to show off my cleavage (ha ha, I don't have much, but I gave it my best shot....) I figured wow, so that is what he is attracted to, I guess I need to dress a bit more slutty.....of course, he was thrilled to show me off a lot, but he still kept banging hookers. But I never vilified her for her looks. I didn't feel it was her fault at all, and although I did feel I sort of needed to compete, it was not her specifically but the fact that apparently my WS liked big busted cheap looking women.

ETA: I can relate to EasyDoesIt real well. I was thin and fairly attractive when WS met me. He made a big deal over my looks. But now I have gained 20 pounds, prefer sweats and gym shoes, and am happier not having to deal with any of it....

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:44 PM, November 17th (Saturday)]

Oh SG, I could have written this myself. This very thing has kept me from posting here as often as I would like. It is so hurtful to see these posts, then wonder if I deserved this because I was fat.

(((doodley))) I think this stuff makes us all insecure about something or other.

I hope you realize it does not have anything to do with your weight or looks. Just look around at the truly happy couples that have been together for a long time and still adore each other. Age changes us, but many of these couples are still very much devoted to each other.

I think we all know logically that it is not our looks or something we did or said, but a brokenness in the WS, but sometimes, emotionally, it is much harder to completely understand this.

ETA: I can relate to EasyDoesIt real well. I was thin and fairly attractive when WS met me. He made a big deal over my looks. But now I have gained 20 pounds, prefer sweats and gym shoes, and am happier not having to deal with any of it....

AMEN!!! My hair is all wadded up in a clip right now, no make-up, in pajamas, Saturday night with the dogs and the cat, a glass of wine, SI and my homework. It. Is. PEACEFUL!!

Wow. This just triggered a bad thought. After I filed for divorce and shortly after FuckTard went up North, I went out on two "dates" with a guy I had known through a mutual friend that lived in another city. He's really attractive, an engineer, about 6 ft tall, full head of hair (I had to add that in because FT was so self-conscious of his bald head). JFTR, I never cared that he was bald.

Anyway, the first "date" was to a Labor Day picnic at the house of a friend of his. I didn't know any of the people that were going to be at the picnic. He wanted me to walk in ahead of him around the corner of the house to the pool area where the picnic was held. I was a new face to everyone, so of course they noticed. The next "date" we went on was to meet for drinks at a pub not far from where I lived. Again, he wanted me to walk in ahead of him. This wasn't just the being-a-gentleman type of letting me go first. At some point in the evening as we walked from location to location and this same scene played out a few more times, I realized it was a trophy-type thing and I was pretty uncomfortable about it. I don't think I'm drop-dead gorgeous or anything, I'm almost 50 years old. I have my mother's chiseled features and high cheekbones and I don't smoke, so I've aged pretty well...I suppose. But there are a whole lot better-looking women than me on the planet. I had been a shell to both of my spousal units and had no intention of being a shell again. I wasn't even looking for a relationship. I didn't even want to date. I kind of went out with him to shut him up (I'm brilliant, I tell you, brilliant). I'm a jeans and tank tops or sweat shirts kind of girl. Like I said, I'd rather be alone. I say that peacefully as I sit here on a Saturday night, in a quiet house, doing what I want, with who I want (my dogs and my cat). I have no time for superficial bullshit.

A preacher said in service a very long time ago (and I have no idea why I remember it), "Beauty is only skin deep...but UGLY is TO THE BONE!"

Oh SG, I could have written this myself. This very thing has kept me from posting here as often as I would like. It is so hurtful to see these posts, then wonder if I deserved this because I was fat.

The above written is exactly how I've felt - and I've actually STATED it several times here, though until now, the issue has pretty much been unnoticed.

I understand that the hurt BS's feel is overwhelming - believe me, I do understand it, all too well, I've been there. But to see the OP being described as "a fat pig", or an "overweight slob" - come on. That's just hurtful to those of us with less than perfect bodies. And it reinforces the feeling that many of us with less than perfect bodies have - "did my spouse cheat on me because of my looks?"

Not to mention that it kind of makes me feel like, "Oh, so my looks only qualify me to BE a cheater. I'm not worthy or deserving of love, of my own partner." You know what I mean?

It hurts even more when that's the reason your spouse SAYS they cheated on you. Really.

Thanks for bringing up this issue. Like I said, I've said things about this before, but I never wanted to "rock the boat" around here because I understand that it's coming from a place of hurt.

But sometimes what's said adds to the hurt that some of us already feel. That's not right, either.

[This message edited by Fireball72 at 8:57 PM, November 17th (Saturday)]

I have never written much about how my H's APs looked. Why? Because it doesn't matter.

I have always thought when the BS writes about how UGLY the AP is they are just venting, of course the AP appears ugly TO YOU but when these "unattractive" traits are listed in the UGLY vent I have always felt it was a bit cruel to other members (BS or WS) if the had any of the listed traits.

I often feel a little sting when "uneducated" is listed in the AP's bad traits. I didn't go to college, bad choice on my part but it doesn't put me beneath a person that has graduated from college.

So I guess if I'm a BW that fits into that physical category of not attractive ... What? Marrying me was marrying down? I somehow should have expected my husband to cheat? Should it make me feel better that some of his mistresses were more attractive than me?

this ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ me too

the whore in my sitch is anything but your typical looking troll type OW ... Long thick dark brown hair(soft and shiny), small in height, small in weight, cherub type facial features, is very girly and damsel in distress, oh and the big one that makes her so much more womanly/desirable she is a mom ... which I can never be or was ...

exact opposite of me in every way ... how or why did he ever think he loved me enough to marry me ??? and then turn around and have an LTA with her, and still stay with her to this day ???

Polar opposites we are ...

ah well ... on I go, I'll find a man a real one who will take time to really get to know me ... someday he is out there somewhere ... if not then at least I don't mind being alone I guess ...

I hear you sg ... I soooo hear you ... (((sg)))

I've got it in my head that in order to find a decent caring guy, I need to be an average type of woman. Because being an attractive woman only attracts the type of guys that will cheat or use me as an object, and I am comfy now with the extra weight and sweat pants. I have no interest in attracting guys with my looks anymore because I haven't been getting very good ones.

I've come to the same conclusion.

[This message edited by LifeOfLearning at 10:42 PM, November 17th (Saturday)]

I am not a girly girl. I run around in tshirts and workout pants all the time. I don't wear makeup and my hair is always in a ponytail. My weight is a little higher than I would like it to be right now (20 lbs) but my WH is always telling me how beautiful/sexy I am.

That being said when he was doing all the screwing around in Thailand he always told me how beautiful Thai women are. How petitie, straight, long black hair, subservient personalities.

I'm a loud, tall, pale Irish girl with curly hair, nothing I can do will be able to compete with the Thai women. And it doesn't need to. I've looked at countless pictures of Thai hookers online some are cute and some are hideous. I even found a picture of one of the whores he hired.... and guess what...objectively not very attractive.

His howorker was tall, skinny, and blonde. I can look at her and see that some people may find her attractive. Then again she could really use a nose and boob job.

My point with this post is there arealways different points of view when it comes to looks. Bitching about how someone looks is just another way to vent and get control of a situation where you have no control. Some people bash the OP because of drug use, mental illness, alcoholism, uneducated, etc. There are plenty of people on this site who fall into some of these categories. I'm sure no one intends to hurt another members feelings they're just in a dark place.

That being said I'm sorry if anything I've ever said has hurt someones feelings. It was not my intention. And this thread should be a reminder for all of us to take a moment to think about how what we say can affect everyone, even those not deserving of our scorn.

ETA: Sorry about the mistakes, I'm typing this on my phone.

[This message edited by dameia at 10:47 PM, November 17th (Saturday)]

I wrote a tome in response to this thread, but decided it was too discombobulated to post. Sorry.

((SG))

((and all others))

This thread caught me attention because it reminded me of a thought I had many times before. I only wish I could claim that it was my looks that were the reason my xww (and xwgf before her) wanted someone else. I wished at the time that I had some physical issues or something to point to, but I can't. I've never been particularly confident about my looks, but never felt I was ugly either. The problem is that it left with one thought...that it was who I am on the inside that was unattractive to them. It was years ago when that thought formed but it was brutal to actually think "Wow, I must really be unattractive, even ugly, on the inside." So I wish I could have focused on something supeficial. I wish I hadn't believed what was on the inside was important from the get-go, otherwise I wouldn't have felt like that was the part of me being rejected.

In the end it is all of part of the damage we must repair, often on our own, that was given to us by the person we loved and trusted the most at the time.

I understand the original poster completely.

I lost 70kg and it caused no end of problems, gain weight back and no end of problems. Maybe the problem is him not me.

It was years ago when that thought formed but it was brutal to actually think "Wow, I must really be unattractive, even ugly, on the inside."

This was my first thought after finding out my H cheated too.

I just want you to know that your concerns about this, I have heard, and share.

I find it astounding that a member has posted about something that causes them pain and others have continued the behaviour within the very same thread.

I understand some posters have reflected on the behaviour and attempted to offer you some insight as to what motivates it, what comfort they receive from it. I get that.

But I don't get how others could come on here and just vent all over again and feel justified to argue the validity of doing so right here in your thread.

Scratching my head in astonishment and dismay here as well, Meg.

I started a thread once here about the OW's looks. It was called "She Ugly". And, she is.

I just wanted to point out that in that thread that I started I never said one negative thing about the way the OW "looks" physically. As I stated, OW is "average". It is OW's ugliness inside that shines through and makes OW ugly. And, that is what I see. That was the point of my thread back then. It is kind of like that show "Grimm" if anyone has seen that. There is a gorgeous blonde on that show. But the Grimm sees who she really is, and she is an ugly monster.

I think that my problem with the looks thing is that cheating has nothing to do with looks. Either the BS or OW. It is about the cheater, their problems and flaws. I have been heavier because of health problems and I have been thinner. Society does treat us differently but that is just the reality. Our SO should not treat us differently. If it was all about looks, many BSs would cheat. It isn't like cheaters are so hot!

The threads about how hideous the OP is are disturbing to me as well. Not because my WH's OW was more attractive than me (I think most would say she's not). But because her looks have absolutely nothing to do with any of this. My H had an A because he was ugly on the inside. Because he hated himself. Because he was broken. It has zero to do with my looks or my value.

SG, I have struggled with this, too. I am someone who has never been conventionally attractive, and who was bullied relentlessly by a boy for over a year because of it. MOW was attractive. I don't know that she was that much more attractive than me, because my own body image is distorted and I know that, but she definitely was superior in a couple of areas about which I'm sensitive, and that has been hard to deal with. I will admit to picking apart things that I thought she would be sensitive about, to make myself feel better. It didn't work.

I do think that there is something about knowing the kind of person the OW is that makes them look less attractive. I see photos of her from time to time (almost unavoidable considering she was a friend for so long) and I no longer see pretty. I see broken. She looks like someone who is unhappy, even when she smiles.

Well, MOW wasn't better looking than me, but she wasn't disgusting either. She was neither fat nor thin. She could be considered pretty, but I could too. Especially at the time he cheated. She was an EX, and was willing, and that's all it took. He did affair down, and that had nothing to do with looks. She was disgusting, dressed like a whore, cheated on WH, married the guy, then cheats on her husband with WH. Psycho. Not to mention, she was uneducated, idiotic, and had no idea how to execute proper grammar.

When we first met, I remember him telling me he didn't know what he'd do if she came to him wanting him back... now I guess we know.

[This message edited by TXMommy at 11:43 PM, November 18th (Sunday)]