SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Confused,

I want to commend you for sticking with this thread. I am sure a lot of folks would not be comfortable, and you have responded directly to so many.

You too pastthelies, you're doing good sticking around and pitching in.

To you both, the 'feelings' from the A are indeed impossible for your H to compete with. ANd your APs would be in the same boat if you had been married to them.

So the issue has to do with you both internally.

I hold back because it is not the same or intense

^^^ really this is a nice confession. Fix yourself, you may fix the marriage.

Confused, I feel particularly bad for your H. Doing it in the home is cold indeed.

You want to challenge the perception that you aren't a coward, emotionally unavailable or maintain that you a good leader? O.K.

But there is nothing you've listed in these 5 pages regarding your actions revolving this affair that could have happened if you truly had self-respect. Unless your definition of the word is vastly different.

So I do have respect for myself it's just sometimes I get so lost in the fog and want that feeling back that I do stupid stuff.

You make it sound like it's no big deal. You want that feeling back so you do stupid stuff. That feeling that you want back comes at the cost of your self-respect. Nothing should be worth that. Developing that characteristic should be top of the list.

That is what the fog is. It's not about a feeling for an AP. It's delusional thinking (denial) towards the self which clouds the WS into believing they currently have admirable qualities like integrity, dignity, honor, truthfulness and the biggie -- self-respect. Or worse, they don't care if they don't have them. It creates a protective sometimes impenetrable barrier that prohibits self-awareness. Clearing out the fog only starts by challenging your own thinking.

Shame never wants to be exposed. It will work hard to keep itself hidden. There is no easy way through this if you want to get your self-respect back. Hopefully you do and will fight to get it back. If you don't, it's a moot point.

Late to this thread but I have to say this: there are two very important reasons to confess:

1. BH doesn't know how bad the situation is. He doesn't have the information about this giant crisis in his M. His M hit an iceberg and he has no idea so he may not do everything that he could do to save it.

2. When he finds out today, 10, 20 years from now: he will see all this time together as tainted. He will imagine you were always secretly laughing at his stupidity even if it's not true.

MC Jack- Thanks for all your help. I am sticking around- confused and I seem very similar- I am just further along the path. Its not easy, but life is getting better. I am just trying to share what I can. Everyone is different, situations different, and A different.

If I can say one thing in all this that helps confused, someone else, or even a realization of something new for me to get an understanding it is worth it. Some people like 2x4's and some like a less harsh approach. My A was different than someone who had a ons and there are feelings after five years! something would be wrong if there were not and they cant just be turned off because people on here say so.

It all takes time. I need to curb them and focus on the good- my husband and family!

[This message edited by pastthelies at 8:42 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]

The more i read this thread the more i come to terms with my decision to D my WW.

Her A was 18 months and she tells me it was so hard to let him go etc... I check her phone today she is now using long distant calling cards to call him. Instead of locking her phone now she is turning off her mobile network so her phone will not receive any messages.

He must be such an AWESOME man, he has a family as well.

Reading how confused and pastthelies feel hit so close to home, it truly is having my blood boil. I think my WW feels similar and the fact that she could let things spiral out of control like this confirms to me that i DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH THIS PERSON

This is not a person i would have exchanged vows with. Dishonoring our vows and breaking them with little to no remorse.

There isn't a lot more for you to learn about the value of being honest with your husband about your relationship that you have not already read in this thread.

He deserves to know. Healing for you, him and your marriage can't start until you take the step of being honest with him.

No amount of pondering, preparing or contemplating is going to change what folks that have been around here for years see play out over and over again in this community.

Honesty is healthy. Truth is a foundation for healing.

It takes a boatload of effort for a marriage to survive infidelity. Right now, you are probably deciding if you want to make that effort. In the meantime, you're withholding that choice from your husband.

My wife divorced me without me ever knowing that she had an affair. I can't tell you how much pain and anguish I went through. I can't tell you how thoroughly I went through my life and how much blame I cast on myself for "driving her away".

Six months after moving out and two months after the divorce, she woke up. We started talking and she told me that there was someone else when she left that note on my pillow and moved out while I was on a business trip.

We reconciled and got remarried. Even with her in counselling two days a week and really trying to work on herself, it took her a good two years to fully own what she did. We were lucky that I was strong enough to survive all that. It's not normal.

So, my advice is to take the plunge. Dig in and make an effort towards healing. It may end in a bitter ugly mess. It may in a new and revitalized marriage. However it ends, your husband deserves the truth. He deserves a chance to heal. So do you. The healing can't start until you take the step you know you need to take and talk to your husband.

Best luck.

The argument for disclosing the affair: "He deserves to know." As if: "It is the only path to reconciliation."

I propose: "disclose the affair IF you legitimately feel it will lead to reconciliation, and that is what you want."

I bristle at the simplistic "not telling makes you a coward". Everyone's situation is different.

I think it is a very complicated decision. It is something you can't "unsay" if you ever say it. Consider professional counseling with someone you like and trust. A professional counselor can probably be more objective than the various betrayed spouses here.

You don't need to prove anything to anyone here. You don't need to defend any of your decisions to anyone here.

YOU have to be comfortable with your decision. It will take time for you to figure out the right next steps, and time to figure out your long term steps, too.

Dante,

Honesty is the only path to reconciliation. When your spouse does not know the real state of the M. You are choosing your own comfort over your BW choice. The choice to stay or leave to find a partner that really wants to be with her instead of a spouse who pines for someone else.

Keeping silent allows you to stay married, not reconcile.

A professional counselor can probably be more objective than the various betrayed spouses here.

For the record....former, unfoggy, and authentic waywards are advising the same thing the "various betrayed spouses" are advising.

All the whining and mooning over the APs. If they are really all that and a bag of freaking chips, leave your husbands and live in your perfect, sexy, passion filled fantasy land. Free your husband so he can heal and find someone healthy and worthy of his love.

For the love of God people. You're seriously comparing your lying, cheating, married affair partners to your honest, faithful, stable husbands? Really?

Crap or get off the pot.

The AP is poison in your veins and you're all Snow White, just taking another bite of the apple. Drop the drug. Sober up.

@Dante:

You don't need to prove anything to anyone here. You don't need to defend any of your decisions to anyone here.

At this point, on this thread, I guess I'm left to wonder why Confused is here at all. Confused...why are you here?

Because, hell, I'm confused...

JD

PS - What Aubrie said...

Definitely a lot of fires brewing here. Which is exactly why each situation and affair is different. There are different reasons of why they start, continue and finish. Some spouses stay and some go. No one answer fits all.

I totally get that it is unfair to the BS to be kept in the dark. However sometimes it might be what they prefer or what's best for the family. One really never knows I guess until the truth comes out. For me I will probably end up telling because the guilt will kill me and I think it is what is needed to get me to the help I need. Then I will hopefully be able to show my remorse and we can heal together, stronger than before. I know it's possible with hard work and willing parties. Just not sure how willing he will be when he hears the truth. My husband is worth fighting for, just not sure it's worth it for him to fight for me.

Do you not realize how incredibly selfish and unfair it is for you to cheat, then expect and want a guarantee to R?

You lost that guarantee by stepping out in the first place.

Affairs aren't marriage fixers. They are marriage killers.

As if: "It is the only path to reconciliation.

How do you reconcile a marriage, when only one partner in the marriage knows there is something to reconcile?

I bristle at the simplistic "not telling makes you a coward". Everyone's situation is different.

Bristle all you want, it's pretty much a given in any society that a person who won't face the consequences of immoral behaviour lacks courage. Ergo is a coward.

I think it is a very complicated decision.

No. It's not complicated, and all the self serving intellectual gymnastics won't make it so.

It's actually very simple.

To be given the chance to reconcile you must first confess (or get found out).

If you lack the courage to confess and face the consequences, then at least have the decency to divorce your spouse so they can move on.

Anything else is continuing the selfish, entitled, immoral and cowardly behaviour that created the whole mess.

I repeat. For without facing the consequences where is the motivation to change?

Do you not realize how incredibly selfish and unfair it is for you to cheat, then expect and want a guarantee to R?

Big difference between realising and caring.

I think that's a big part of the problem here.

Not caring about the BS.

Confused,

I noticed you mentioned that your BS is worth fighting for but you aren't sure you are. (I paraphrased since I'm using my phone and can't use the quote feature.) I found that to be a REALLY important statement.

You may be afraid he will not feel it's worth it to fight for your M, but isn't he worth giving the choice and opportunity to do decide that himself?

I'm just wondering is this website only for those that are out with their affair, or is it for anyone dealing with infidelity? I'm serious with my question because I'm not sure. What I read is that it is very PRO come clean. Which is fine if that is what this website says it stands for and anyone else should go elsewhere. But I'm not sure. Maybe people like me are not welcome here. Guess what, most of you were caught or had spouses that you caught so you sought out help and ended up here. THose of us that haven't been caught came here on our own. ON OUR OWN! because we want to do better, be better. Not because we were caught and now have to.

I imagine there are many more like me that are still undecided and "in the fog" but are not about to post anything because of the wrath that will head their way. So maybe they go elsewhere, or maybe they just do nothing, but really they need help. I don't mind getting an opinion that doesnt agree with me but sometimes its delivered poorly in my opinion, and like you are so much smarter than dumbshit me. I at least appreciate when someone tells me how selfish etc I am and then says they know because that was them too. Some of the posters have said the exact same thing as the hard hitters but have said it in a way that for me is more constructive. Saying I dont care about BS spouse is well BS. If I didnt care about him I wouldn't be here putting up with so much crap from all of you.

So yes I am a strong woman or I would have run at the first harsh response but I'm still here. But I can assure you that you have scared off many from posting who now feel more alone. Even in the virtual world people want to feel welcome, so why would they post just to get their heads chopped off.

I also find it ironic that when I read some of the stories of the hard hitters on here, not just my posts but all over SI, that they were/are pretty messed up as well. I don't go about telling them how fucked up they must have been to do what they did for so long or for so many times with different partners. It would do no good, they know this, they are working on themselves to be a better person. So are the rest of us. They might be a step ahead but they certainly could be more fucked up than the ones they are bashing so hard.

Anyway I'm not looking to get into a battle about this but just hoping that someone can try to view this from the other side a bit and realize that while everyone is in different situations and different stages of finding out etc. we are all looking for help and support.

I'm sure many BSs would say they wish they never knew. If life could be the way it was and their spouse would never stray again, they'd prefer to be in the dark. Of course we'll never know because they would be afraid to post it because of the backlash. Yes I have gotten PM's to the sort so don't assume that everything that is posted is everyone's opinion. It's just you make it hard for someone to disagree when you hit so hard. Maybe this website is only for those that swing that way which is why I will probably seek guidance elsewhere in the future. Not because you scared me off but because maybe I truly don't belong here.

and yes dammit, I'm still writing those damn emails in my head but now some of them are to some of you!! : )

Confused,

I noticed you mentioned that your BS is worth fighting for but you aren't sure you are. (I paraphrased since I'm using my phone and can't use the quote feature.) I found that to be a REALLY important statement.

You may be afraid he will not feel it's worth it to fight for your M, but isn't he worth giving the choice and opportunity to do decide that himself?

I said this because if roles were reversed I don't think I could live with knowing what I know and continue a marriage. What I did was so wrong on so many levels. I haven't fully grasped it all but I know right from wrong and I did it anyway and didn't seem to have any trouble doing it. I became a different person. I was living a parallel life. One where my AP knew the whole truth and my husband didn't. For him to unfold all these layers will be completely shocking and devastating which is why I don't think I could take it and move forward if the roles were reversed.

Yes he should be part of the decision, part of me feels like I should just go on my own and leave and let him move on without knowing the truth. The truth will kill him and the outcome will probably be the same. I just don't know and am so confused : ( but I know he should know the truth just dont want to kill what little esteem he still has left. He knows I'm not happy right now and feels the burden of that and isn't sure how to proceed with me. He wants me forever he says but he has no idea what I've done. and he's feeling very rejected by me. thus the reason if I can turn things around on my own, make it all better, then that would be best for my family. but I don't think I can do it alone. If I could be stronger and do it I probably would opt for that.

What are you expecting to people here to say to you?

Flip places.....would you want to know?

Yes...I imagine you would

Hiding an affair is living a lie and unbelievably selfish....not just for you....The entire family....my dday was 3+ years ago and we are still working on the issues that it caused my daughter.

[This message edited by Long Gone at 1:53 AM, January 12th (Sunday)]

I understand you are possibly EXTREMELY scared right now as well as uncertain of the future and which path to take.

Your BS knows something is wrong. Most do even if we have trouble figuring out what it is. Finding out your spouse/partner has been unfaithful from someone besides your spouse/partner makes it SO much more painful. And the truth has a habit of coming out whether we like it or not a some point. Even if it's years later.

You have an opportunity to confess as opposed to being caught. Does it emotionally kill a BS? Yes. Absolutely. But not as much as finding out some other way. And there is no way of knowing if your BH will divorce you or not just like there is no way of knowing that your secret will not be told to him by someone else at another time. If you confess, it shows him you do have a conscience, you do care enough about him and respect him enough to lessen the blow of discovery by having it come from you. Not a stranger, not the other BS, but from you.

I'm just wondering is this website only for those that are out with their affair, or is it for anyone dealing with infidelity?

Having it out in the open is the only way to deal with it.

We see it here at SI a lot. First instance (or more) of cheating wasn't confessed or discovered, therefore no consequences, no work done on the WS, therefore no change.

The newbie BS or WS posts for the first time with a story of 2, 3, 4, 5 or more affairs.

Only the current one was discovered and the previous affairs came out during Dday confession.

Saying I dont care about BS spouse is well BS. If I didnt care about him I wouldn't be here putting up with so much crap from all of you.

You have cheated on your BS, continued to lie to him, went on holidays with your fuckbuddy.

That's not exactly the actions of a caring person.

I, just like you, didn't care enough about my BS when I fucked two hookers, lied to her, gas lighted her and destroyed her world.

I learnt to care again.

It happened when I put her needs before my own and let go of the outcome and stopped trying to control the situation.

If I didnt care about him I wouldn't be here putting up with so much crap from all of you.

I have hope for you confused, I commend you on your perseverance, lesser mortals usually run when confronted with the hard truth.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 3:01 AM, January 12th (Sunday)]