SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Shanoa......my heart just dropped when I read this.

He spend all last night manipulating you and pushing ALL your buttons and got you right where he wants the relationship to be. He pushed the "mommy" buttons where your feelings of needing to take care of him are activated. He made you feel guilty for not appreciating whatever small amount of money he brought in. He made you feel guilty about contacting the OW saying you had no right to do that. If there had been a cross in your house last night, he would have hung himself on it; he was playing the martyr.

Shanoa...we "get" you love him. He is the only person you have been with. The ONS doesn't count because it wasn't a relationship, you were just getting your rocks off. You even admitted that you spent the time you two were apart trying to get him to come back to you. All THAT did was feed into his ego.

The relationship you have now feeds all his ego and nothing for you.

We are proud of you for breaking off the engagement. Good job. Now he needs to leave and YOU need to get into some serious IC and get healthy. You want to be in a good place when the MAN who is waiting to love and respect you shows up. Take a year off of dating and fix YOU.

One last word in parting.

If all your friends in real life along with all of us in cyber-land are telling you this guy is a leach and a loser.....why are you choosing to ignore us?

{{{hugs}}}

k9

I've kind of wondered since the beginning of this thread whether someone was pulling our collective legs - and I'm betting on 'yes.'

Amen sister...

I'm sorry- but I am finding this topic very hard to believe...it seems a bit sketchy to me.

I just wanted to interject my very small opinion...

To quote myself:

I don't understand. now YOU'RE talking like a 14 year old. Are you even taking this situation seriously? You don't want REAL advice.

FINALLY! Some of you openly agreed with what I've been thinking this whole time! Something is off on this thread...glad I know that it's not just me thinking it!

Please, I beg of you, do NOT marry this asshole.

what the hell why do you think this is fake? Am I really that crazy that it's so unbelievable?

Shanoa, it's commonly said here--take what's useful to you, leave the rest. What other people may assume about the truth of your situation doesn't affect it's reality.

What norabird said. Plus we have had a few difficult stories lately but that doesn't make them any less real.

I'm getting ready to go to IC and talk about my FOO issues. You've broken off your engagement. What are you doing for your next step Shanoa?

Shanoa - I am sorry you are here, it is not easy dealing with any betrayal.

Have any of you tried a marriage that isn't monogamous?

I am in an open marriage. An open marriage is not going to solve your current problems. I would argue that open marriages require far more communication and trust than a monogamous one. Right now you don't have that - making your relationship not monogamous is not going to help your current issues. Open marriages can be successful but I would honestly never recommend it to anyone as a solution to dealing with betrayal.

He said he felt betrayed that I texted her.

This is still wayward foggy thinking. I remember the few days after DDay and my WW at the time was feeling betrayed herself because of the friend that told me about her cheating. I think it comes from them not fully able to yet grasps the depths of what they did. They feel better trying to pretend to be victims themselves - you were right to be strong and not let him get away with this.

But I also just want us to keep building our lives together because we are such a good team.

It is a strange concept, buy good marriages/relationships are not immune to affairs. My WW and I have really always had a very good marriage, she still cheated for 12+ years though. The affair is about the person that cheated, it is not about you or the state of the relationship. Bad marriages/relationships provide the initial excuse, poor justification, etc. for the wayward to do what they did, it is not the underlying reason though. My WW and I are in R, it is the fact that we had a good marriage that helped make me want to give it a try. It is the hard work that she and I have put in that keep it going through. It is not an easy process.

[This message edited by ReunitePangea at 4:03 PM, May 2nd (Friday)]

what the hell why do you think this is fake? Am I really that crazy that it's so unbelievable?

You are not at all crazy. Your posts disregard others to such a degree, it is as if you are either putting your hands over your ears and singing lala or…

This man, this WS fulfils something for you, whether that be normative abuse, or affirmation of your own perceived worthlessness. That may feel like love to you. But it isn't. I hope you find the healthy variety.

Personally, being with someone since you were fifteen is no marker of quality, and actually could be quite the opposite. IMO.

But you know that really.

[This message edited by Edie at 9:34 AM, May 3rd (Saturday)]