SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

That made me lol. But I found out some more about the OW, and I'm sorry, this may be bad of me but I do feel bad for her. She was raped/molested by her uncle, clung to him because he was "protective", and believe everything my pos h had to say. What she did was vile, but now being a mother, I would die if my kid was violated like her. These are probably the hormones, but I knew he had to have known this and taken advantage of it. Yes, she had choices, but I saw what he was feeding her, and idk...again no sympathy from me in what she did to me, but my H is 95% to blame in this. Arghhhhh I'm so angry!!!

April,

I just saw your thread today and I am so sorry this is happening to you.

You have been receiving excellent advice and strategies. There is no finer group of women who have your best interests at heart, than the

warriors of SI.

I know you are saddened. That is only natural. I do want you to be prepared for the day in the future, when your WH comes to you. He will want to make a deal.

It will be right out of the movie, "The Godfather."

Remember what the godfather told Michael: "Be careful...whoever comes to you to make the deal...they are your enemy. Do not trust them."

I am paraphrasing, but you get my point.

When he comes to you...do not listen. He is not your friend. Do not allow him to attempt to broker a deal for himself. Let your lawyer talk for you. You have better things to do, as you have a baby to care for and a future to plan.

Whoever told you that the "two abortions" concept was a lie, has my agreement. I just don't believe you can even WANT a guy who does this to you TWICE. I don't want to generalize here, but I personally doubt it.

Oh and please don't think this 'super model type' was conned, conived or manipulated by your WH. She had the opportunity to SEE him for ten years. She knows exactly who and what he is and we know exactly what she is, too.

Concentrate on your baby, April. You are going to be fine. Kudos for getting that lawyer so quickly. Yes, you are a quick study and you are going to be just fine.

Lovedmesomehim

Okay I may be the only person who never watched the godfather... maybe ill watch the trilogy now. I don't think he will be coming back. I know it's not in my best interest to speak to the other wives of my stbxh, but im weak right now. They are all saying that they met her and he really truly loved her. And now all their husbands are saying how my stbx was so scared to leave me bc he didn't want to hurt my ego and we have known each other for so long. Idk. I should change my number. I don't know if they think they are helping. Again, she sent emails from him saying he made the worst mistake ever. What kept him around? Probably the comfort. Either way, in a years time or hopefully less we will be divorced, he will have visitation and that's gonna be my life. And maybe it's the wine, but I may be OK with that. Eh, fuck him :)

Oh, and thanks for thinking I'm going to be okay. Seriously, this board is amazing. I'm trying to get stronger...

Unfortunately the pregnancies were true...When we spoke when I confronted him he was present for both ultrasounds bc that was the first thing I asked that asshole. He was going to do paternity, but was sure they were his. So sad. This is all so sad.

The ultimatum: Tell me everything, get into counseling. I didn't say - or else I'm going to an atty, I just said you tell me everything by tomorrow. He tried to gaslight me, so I went to an atty. MAMA BEAR. I had to protect my cubs from the OW and him.

This was just the tip of the iceberg of my XWH. I then found out he was on Craigs list chat rooms for sex, etc, etc. When I saw the 12,000 text messages between them,(subpoena issued by the judge) I felt my mind slip a gear!This was the very last straw before I walked into Charter. I suddenly thought,,, my mom would NEVER have to go thru something like this in her life and it's insane. absolutely insane. I realized then I had seen enough. I knew if I kept digging, it was going to be an even longer time to dig out.

What I learned at Charter is that if you do an outpatient deal its like a year of counseling! (6 hours a day x 10 days = 60 hours! more than counseling 1x a week for a year.

In my group were 5 wives plus me. A cop. An older man whose grandson died. 1 woman who suddenly had a breakdown -- too much stress - was a triathlete, and a woman who had fallen at home and it gave her wierd dreams --- I'm assuming she had had a seizure or something. THen there were 2 girls there who were there after their drug treatment program ended. -- this is like a drug treatment facility in one building and outpatient in another building.

Basically, everyone was "normal" just had all this happen to them and it was overwhelming. My insurance paid almost all of it, and they let me pay out the deductible... remember they have to run these places and alot of people have NO insurance, so at least they know they are getting paid something from your ins company.

THis was during my divorce and my counselor said it would look GOOD in my divorce, NOT bad if I got help for this whole situation. It was never brought up though, because I never told my WH I went. I knew I had to go to survive! I had been thru too much for a normal person to bear - and XWH was only with her for 1 year -- you have 10 years to deal with. You are strong. You can do this.

One last thing,,, your newborn is being cared for and that is the main thing right now. If your baby were a 2 year old they might be like all wheres' my mama, but as long as loving hands are holding your child, he/she is fine. I know because I am an adopted child. I wasn't adopted til I was 6 weeks, but I was held by loving hands during those 6 weeks and then by a loving family the rest of my life. Your baby will be ok now with your family helping you while you sort thru this mess.

Put on your oxygen mask. Do what your counselor tells you to do.

No Contact with your WS = no new hurts. He and the OW DO NOT GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO TALK TO YOU. Shields up we say here. They cannot help you to process everything.

(((april)))

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 9:50 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)]

Well, he served me first... don't ask me how that happened. Probably race against the clocks with the lawyers, but doesnt matter, he won't come out on top. Unfortunately (or fortunately), OW did not take him when he went to her.

This sounds like more playing games.

The business of him serving first: It could be that since you threw him out and shut the door, he thought that he could have his plan B and go to her. In order to make it look to OW that she is in fact the love of his life, he would have to do the “Oh, thank God for that, I’m out of that marriage, now we can be together my darling!!!” even though he was being insincere. Or he may have served first as an act of running away from the problem. IOW, get it over with already. And no, he won’t come out on top.

OW not taking him in could be another scene in their fantasy film. She wants him to prove by crawling over cut glass that she really is the love of his life and he will do anything for her. This is how their life has been – her saying “enough, please leave me alone” and then him telling her how much he loved her, blah blah crap. That’s often the way LTA’s work, like a pendulum or a Newton’s cradle. But whether or not he is with OW doesn’t matter.

Our savings is joint, and that all looks in tact

Take half. Now.

I should change my number.

Yes.

Again, she sent emails from him saying he made the worst mistake ever.

Part and parcel of the stuff WS’s say. Predictable. To keep her in. As long as he could keep her with words of undying love and promises to some future together, he could keep his secret. It goes on for so long because they fear the day when the affair is exposed and they lose everything. So they say crap like that.

When we spoke when I confronted him he was present for both ultrasounds bc that was the first thing I asked that asshole. He was going to do paternity, but was sure they were his. So sad. This is all so sad.

I still wouldn’t be inclined to believe a word out of his lying mouth, or out of hers. Their “relationship” was based on lies. In the end, they don’t know fact from fantasy. Don’t allow yourself to feel any sympathy for her whatsoever. She chose this. And, if she got pregnant, I suspect it was deliberate. Do not believe anything they say. Assume everything is a lie. And don’t let him suck you back in. Go NC and do everything through your lawyers.

Read about the 180 repeatedly until it becomes your normal response to any contact from that fucktard who used to be your husband.

When it was hard for me to not yell and scream at my WS I thought "If he had walked up to me and punched me in the eye, I would have not problem saying GET OUT OF HERE FOREVER. " I would not talk to him again. HE has punched you by his actions.

Emotional abuse IS domestic violence. Shields up. Protect yourself. IF he goes to get some sort of help, let him. Stay out of it. Watch, but do not get back involved with him/his thoughts/ his nothing for at least a year of solid recovery.

He without a doubt is not and will not suck me back in. He literally wants nothing to do with me. Which at this point is what I want/need. I do fear I will never find someone else out there that I will love and trust...

He will never go to therapy, and there is no way I will ever be involved romantically with him again. Fucker!

Good girl! FTB!!

OW was married...interesting tidbit of info. Good, they are both cheaters then.

I also got my D finalized as soon as I could because WS didn't want anything. Now, 18mos later he is regretting that but oh well..

Well, it's unfortunately his house so I am in process of finding an apartment for the interim. I know I shouldn't be digging deeper but I am. Ow met H when we were broken up. Ow sister died and ow had to go to a mental hospital. H thought he would never see her again, and since he can't be alone got back with me. Ow got out of hospital and H found out, tracked her down and that's when he started dating her along with me. When OW found out that H was with me she got engaged married etc (this is the reason she had the first abortion). H was devastated and just settled for me. However OW and H continued their affairs. Ow divorced H (with promise that he would D me after the baby was born) OW couldn't wait any longer and poor me gets the letter. This story courtesy of my bitch sil who decided to email me this. Time lines match up. Regardless he still had a relationship for ten years with someone else...I'm still as hurt and as damaged before finding this out... clearly he did love her, and I was second best.

I'm sorry, but you think YOU are second best?

NO WAY IN HELL IS THAT TRUE!

Re-read what you wrote...

These people are revolting. Despicable. Foul and fetid. You are like a shining white light, blazing out before them.

They have absolutely no idea what love is. They are missing all the values that love requires: kindness, consideration, respect, responsibility, faithfulness, loyalty, integrity...etc

You have had a lucky escape. Congratulations. Wipe the shite off your dress and dance into your future. Kiss your beautiful baby, you really are going to be fine. There is a man out there that epitomises those values and he will love you and your child with his whole heart.

Kia kaha

xxx

Thank you. It's just hard to see that I wasn't second choice. He only married me because she got married. FUCK THEM BOTH!!!

Yes - FUCK THEM BOTH.

April, 10 years is a long time to remain with someone who is "second best". He could have walked away years ago but didn't. He has actually used you both in different ways. He was getting off on having the security of a marriage with you and a "bit on the side" which is all she is.

The fantasy of being together will be over soon. Once she has had the thrill of picking up his skid marked underpants and sweaty socks more than twice, the sexiness of it all will greatly diminish.

He is with her now because like you have said, he has no other options. God forbid if he should have to spend a few days on his own without his ego being fed. She is basically his crutch. How romantic?

You will be angry, devastated and absolutely shattered for some time. It is a natural process but a bloody hideous thing to go through - believe me I know as we all do on SI. The upside is that you will (in time) move through the various stages of grief and come out the other side with your integrity and soul still intact which is something neither he or the OW will have EVER.

A quick word of advice - involve his family as little as possible unless they are offering unconditional support. I have found that blood is thicker than morals when the WS family finds out what a piece of shit their son/daughter/brother/sister actually is. I was married for 25 years and my ex H's mother went into total denial about her son's behavior despite receiving unconditional love from me for all those years. Unless your SIL is going to rally round and support you with everything you need to get you through these early days, I would suggest you tell her to fuck off next time she comes up with the latest newsflash on her brother's appalling behavior.

What is he doing about his baby son? Is he intending on being involved with him on a regular basis? It absolutely stuns me that all he can think about is shacking up with this OW when he is losing the greatest gift of all.

Please continue to get counselling and if necessary get some anti-depressants if it enables you to cope right now. It is what is best for you and your baby that counts.

You have a lot of people on your side here. Please be gentle on yourself. You have so much going for you.

Love Ellejay

x

Well, it's unfortunately his house so I am in process of finding an apartment for the interim.

Have you spoken to a lawyer about this? This may not be true and you might have just as much right to stay in the house as he does.

He is going to be involved with the baby. He is living with his parents right now, because OW doesn't want him. Now it's just the fact that he married me because she got married. They actually dated when we weren't together, and to hold a flame for someone for that long, I dont know, maybe it's because I am just so upset, but I honestly think he loves her. I need to accept that, and everything is going to play out as it should. If they get together and remain happy, good for them.

My SIL never liked me, so I am sure that she just said that to put the nail in the coffin. She knows OW as well, and probably think she is wonderful. She always thought my H could do better than me. I am on anti-depressants and I hope to get the baby in a week or so. Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement. As far as the house-- his parents gave it to him before the marriage, so it is his. Trust me, I will be much better off in an apartment far away from there!

SisterMS is right. Don't assume that the house is "his" automatically for whatever reason. Talk to a divorce-knowledgable lawyer about this as for most people it represents their substantial asset. Ditto for pensions, IRAs, 401Ks and the like. Do not focus on trinkets -- they are replaceable.

Custody, support, spousal support, property division, visitation, health insurance are the REAL issues. Not who gets Aunt Tilly's china figurine collection (unless its a true valuable antique), or how much dog custody/visitation he gets.

The house may have been acquired by him before marriage, but that doesn't mean its automatically his sole and separate property.

The only thing I am entitled to is child support. No spousal support because I make about 30K more than him, I have my own insurance (which my company pays for). As far as everything else, my head is still spinning. At this point, I honestly just want child support. I don't need his money or anything that comes with it. The sooner this can get finalized, the better off I will be.

I think it's incredibly admirable that after all you've gone through you are allowing someone else to care for little one while you even out your emotions!!! Safety first. Post partum depression coupled with this spiritual depression is a whammy!!! I know. Trust me. I'm very proud of you right now. Keep being the example to the rest of us that we CAN survive and be strong in our convictions.

I also noticed that you might be having a hard time wrapping your mind around this affair without believing he must have loved her. Let me clear this up for you. The love he gave her...and the love he gave you...is that the definition of love you'd give someone? Nope...because it wasn't love. Love isn't cruel and deceptive. It's not bred in the dark. It's admirable and honest. If he had come to you very early on as a man and told you he needed to be with her...that would be "love" but he did not. He gave her "love crumbs". That is not love...but you'll see...when you actually experience REAL love...and you will.