SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Gfunk ~ Keep praying. Prayer is both our defense and our offensive weapon. God can change her even in an instant. However, that doesn't mean it will happen that way and it doesn't mean you shouldn't be doing all that you can do.

I agree with using a VAR, GPS and any other method you need to track her while she is on this work trip. Maybe there is app for that? Maybe there is a secret app for that? I don't know. My husband has an app for his (new) car and I can see where his car is within ten feet.

I would also definitely call (or have someone else call ... you can even post a request here in the Investigative forum for another SI member to do it for you) and have someone ask for him at work to verify that he is there.

Definitely do some snooping around and tell his wife! Most APs seem to throw each other under the bus once they are both outed. I don't get it ... but I have seen it on here over and over again as well as experienced it myself. All of a sudden they both call the other one 'crazy.' If you don't know any way to get information you could try calling (or getting someone else to do so) and asking him to complete questions for a survey. Make sure the questions are about something you are pretty sure he is interested in (politics?) and make the personal questions valuable to you yet vague.... like, Are you republican or democrat? What city do you live? Are you married? But not asking for names or streets ... and put with other questions it wouldn't seem obvious anyway.

I agree with getting divorce papers drawn up. I know that sounds extreme ... I do. But, it is good for two reasons. 1 - She knows you are dead serious and if she wants to save your marriage she is going to have to do something worth changing your mind. 2 - You are a step ahead of her. Apparently the first to file gets the advantage in most proceedings. If you do it now she will never suspect it ... but if this goes on for awhile she might get divorce papers made up while you are still reeling and hoping she will come around.

Keep your chin up. It is tough stuff to deal with and it is hard to know what to do. Think it through. Prayers.

I know I am going to have to earn her heart back and will work every day to sacrifice and do everything I can to win back her love and affection by being loving, understanding, kind, patient, selfless, and forgiving.

Take a look at my profile and you will see what this type of thinking will lead to. SHE is the one who needs to earn YOU back. I know your mind is twisted by pain right now and it seems totally illogical, but if you grovel at her feet she will learn nothing except that she can cheat on you and get rewarded for it. It won't be easy, but take the advice of the majority of the responders so you don't end up as a doormat. Like me.

I snooped this morning and found a text message to one of her friends that EA has continued, I confronted WW and expressed my anger and frustration. I essentially preached at her, told her that this guy is just telling her what he wants to hear so he can get in her pants (I would know, I have been that guy many years ago) and that when he gets what he wants after telling her everything she wants to hear she will see his true colors and she won't like what she sees. I told her how selfish she's being and that she's letting satan destroy our marriage and our family by seeking a fleeting moment of happiness that will lead to misery for everyone involved. She keeps saying she gave me 5 years and she isn't in love with me and can't see herself ever being in love with me again, to which I replied I don't want her to fall in love with me, I want her to fall in love with God; I truly believe He's the only one that can save her from the precipitous path she is going down, one that will lead to despair. I am hiring a PI today to locate the OM's house and finally let his wife know in an attempt to end the A. The text to her friend basically said my WW and OM were still talking and WW said she wouldn't have sex with OM until both were away from their partners. I know my wife wants nothing to do with me even though I've made life altering changes and I feel it's way past time for the tough love. The A must be exposed to all involved and she needs to understand how difficult and miserable things will be without me. She is living in a fantasy world that will quickly come crashing down around her but she's too naive to see that.

If you have any other advice, preferably Christian advice, on what I might be able to do in order to salvage our marriage I would greatly appreciate it. I am tired of her trying to live a lie and imagine that the grass is greener on the other side because she's not in love with me and I want her to learn, even if it's the hard way, that I believe with everything I have that if she would just turn away from sin and turn back to God that He and He alone can change her heart. More than our marriage, more than our family, I want her to get her heart right with God and if she would decide to do that I know and believe He can work a miracle in her life and in her heart.

God helps those who help themselves. He also says infidelity is one of the very few "ok" reasons to divorce.

Your wife is having an affair. Right now you are sharing her with another man. You have been given excellent advice thus far. Im so glad you are finally going to tell his wife. THAT will most likely end their affair. Most of the time the WH will throw the OW under the bus in effort to save his marriage. This will show your wife who her OM is.

Also...Satan isn't destroying your marriage. Your wife is. Are her actions sinful? Obviously. But they are*her* actions. She is choosing to have an affair. She is choosing to destroy the family. And if she does decide to R, she will have to do the hard work to change herself and repair the damage she has caused. God can help..but she has to do it.

[This message edited by confused615 at 6:49 AM, August 20th (Wednesday)]

. I am hiring a PI today to locate the OM's house and finally let his wife know in an attempt to end the A. The text to her friend basically said my WW and OM were still talking and WW said she wouldn't have sex with OM until both were away from their partners. I know my wife wants nothing to do with me even though I've made life altering changes and I feel it's way past time for the tough love. The A must be exposed to all involved and she needs to understand how difficult and miserable things will be without me. She is living in a fantasy world that will quickly come crashing down around her but she's too naive to see that.

G Funk

The above is the best thing you can do and depending on what the OM's relationship actually is with his wife when she finds out will determine if it stops the affair. With four kids, he is in for rough financial sledding if he leaves his wife for your wife. most likely, if his wife puts the screws to him, he will throw your wife under the bus.

The problem is, if what she is saying is true, she will still not come back to the marriage but will replace this OM eventually with another one. You can pray for her to regain her senses but I see in this that her faith in prayer and what you believe in is not the same.

Your next appointment after the PI needs to be your attorney, because when you blow up this affair, she is going to be mean and pissed off that you spoiled her fun. And as far as her not having sex with him, that will not last forever if it does not stop.

You have to prepare to move on without her, and you also need to reach inside yourself to see if you really can ever trust her again after what she has done and is still doing because no matter what your marriage will never be the same.

"locate the OM's house and finally let his wife know in an attempt to end the A."

Finally!!!!

The A must be exposed to all involved and she needs to understand how difficult and miserable things will be without me.

My only advice is to expose the affair to everyone and I also think it is important for you to stop preaching to her. The more you preach to her the more of a deaf ear she is going to have. The more you preach to her, the more you could push her further away.

God does help them that help themselves, so have faith. But stop preaching to her, because she is not going to listen.

My advice would not be to tell her how the path she is on is bad. She is looking for something to turn to.

I would come to her gently and openly and tell her

You have hurt me.

Our M is ours. I am not the sum total of all of the issues in our M but I am committed to working through our M, my problems and be patient for you through yours. And do not think you don't have some ownership in all of this. You don't lie and carry on a relationship in secret if you don't. That's just a fact.

You have essentially suffered another dday. Whether she can be reached or not is up to her. She has to make that decision on her own. Let go of any expectations of the outcome.

I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,

let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings, "you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse, and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with, wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it? Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating. A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason? To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse? What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?

They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point, The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want. You don't fight them on this issue. You agree with their feelings, they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",

you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them", you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

If we didn't have children together that last post would be perfect; unfortunately right now the only one of us in our marriage that cares about their short term and long term well being, as long as the permanent emotional damage a divorce will cause them, is me. It sucks being the only level.headed one, watching my WW be blatantly and completely selfish, especially because it's something she blasted me about repeatedly while we've been together! I just don't know what kind of stupid thoughts are running through her mind that ever shows her that the A has a happy ending for her an OM.

G Funk

You still need to move from denial to anger, and you should not use your children as a way to rationalize or accept what she is doing.

Millions of children in this country of divorce turn out just fine, and if you think a child growing up in a home where the mother goes and comes as she pleases having affairs with other men is a stable environment i would beg to differ with you.

And you wife IS going to do this again because she says she is not in love with you anymore. yes, that could change, but not because of you. it has to be her. the more likely scenerio is that if you bust up this affair she will start to go out at night or find another man to have an affair with.

Right now, she is NOT praying to the same God as you, and could care less.

So being right about her being selfish is still not going to solve this.

by the way, do you still think the business trip and him not going also is still the truth????

I'm worried about that too. I'm afraid if I tell OM wife, even though she absolutely deserves to know, apparently he has no family or friends here and I could see where he could/would go on business trip with my WW and they could do a bunch of things that I don't even want to think about.

I don't see where telling his wife would change if he goes or doesn't go on this trip.

You have to get her to want to stop the affair, otherwise all the talking in the world won't help.

What would make her stop the affair, others knowing about it like her parents could do it.

The OM throwing her under the bus as soon as his wife finds out could do it.

If she is so certain she doesn't love you anymore, why hasn't she filed for a divorce. I would think if a woman really doesn't want to be married, instead of going out with married men, they would file for a divorce.

I mean, your wife says she does not love you anymore, okay, but that sure isn't a reason to go out and have sex with a married man and ruin his wife's life.

I wonder if your wife has thought about the destruction she is doing to this other woman.

G Funk

You are not thinking clearly.

YOU MUST TELL HIS WIFE

For heavens sake, your wife is having an affair with this guy and you are worried about whether or not he will go because he has no friends??

here is the real world.

(1) You can assume that he is going on this trip, which everyone told you yesterday is a distinct possibilty. They have already planned it because it is the PERFECT cover. The only reason it will not happen is if the specific jobs they are in would make it very difficult for them to justify or accomplish.

(2) Yesterday, I believe you said you WERE going to find this guy even if you had to hire a PI. That is what you should be doing instead of worrying what they might do on the trip together because that WILL HAPPEN if you do nothing here.

It is VERY strange that your wife would have to call you in the middle of the day and tell you about this trip when she easily could have waited till she got home. my bet is that Om was standing right there when she called to see what your reaction would be. Very convenient to have this trip come up right after you discover what she is doing.

The trip could be totally fake, it could be of shorter duration and they could have hotel for when unknown to you she is back, but one thing is sure

IF YOU DO NOT DO SOMETHING YOU ARE IN FOR SO MUCH MORE PAIN YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE IT

Now, tomorrow you need to get the VAR, GPS for her car. You need to hire a PI if necessary to find this guiy and when you do make the damm call and provide her with the documentation.

And you need to get to an attorney. if you do nothing but HOPE, she will be using your home as a home base for her affair life, and that is what your future holds.

Now, if being in that kind of open marriage is what you can live with, then have at it and endure the pain and anguish you are undegoing now.

not telling you to stop praying, but so far that has not done the trick.

Gfunk you need to be strong and make a stand tell her you are not going to put up with this, she needs to know that you mean business. The longer she drags this out the more pain you suffer.

This is just my opinion for the following;

I dont know that I agree with the post of let them go. Sounds great on paper, however I dont think Dr. Phil or any marriage counselor would concur with this. As an end result this maybe the answer if you think you can forgive them for this huge life changing transgression but,

If you love your partner then I think you have to fight to save your marriage I think you have to try and do anything and everything that is possible to keep it, as long as you BOTH want it.

If I told my partner "hey I want you to be happy with the OW" just leave and he did, (I will just sit here and wait, because you might come back!!!) I wouldnt want his sorry ass back if it didnt work out for the two of them, even if I did love him. So for me that would be a deal breaker. I know we are all different and we all work in different ways however, the pain and hurt we feel is all the same.

The trip could be totally fake, it could be of shorter duration and they could have hotel for when unknown to you she is back, but one thing is sure

Gfunk, can you get confirmation somehow from the company about the time, date, and length of this business trip.

The more you know the better you will be.

I don't know if this will helo or hurt, but my WW is seeing COW. She is scared to death of me opening my mouth at her work.

I wonder what she would say if you threaten to expose them to her bosses. I'm sure they would not be happy to know about this.

If you do though, make sure you have proof. They aren't going to believe you especially an EA if you don't at least have proof.

Let others fill you in on this one. It might not help, but I know my WW is scared stiff about this very thing. Of course my WW had PA since December, so.....

Here's the great thing about the advice you have received, it applies to all religions.

Please go back to the beginning of this thread and reread what people have posted.

It all still applies. This is because you are in the exact same position as you were the first day you posted. You might feel different but you are not behaving any differently.

She continues to disrespect you, she continues to show you and your family aren't a priority, you continue to allow her to treat you and your family this way.

Even if there is a business trip, it's highly likely she will sleep with him. I'm not convinced it hasn't already happened.

Does she frequently go on trips for work like this? I don't think you know anywhere close to everything about the relationship a strange man has with your wife.

She doesn't believe you will enforce any consequenes because you've threatened to several times now but don't follow through.

This only stops when YOU say so. That means kicking her out.

Very few people here don't have kids. You are using them as an excuse because you are hurt and scared. We understand that. It's not a valid reason to allow her to continue on with her boyfriend like this.

Please reread everything and start some real ACTIONS.

One last thing.

WW said she wouldn't have sex with OM until both were away from their partners.

This means one of two things and I think you are glossing over it. Really think about this.

1. Away from partners means distance. She intends to have sex with him on this trip.

2. Away from partners means marital status. She intends to separate or divorce you.

She has a plan. Those were her own words. Her plans for the future include sex with her boyfriend, not her husband.

You don't know that SHE hasn't already seen a lawyer. Did you know whoever files for sole use of the house gets to force the other out?

Payment has been made for PI to find OMs address so A can be exposed to OMs wife. Visiting an attorney now. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever been through. I don't want divorce but am preparing just in case.