SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

No "I told you so" just sadness for what she did to you. Stringing you along, lying, playing eeny meeny miney mo. Not caring about your feelings. So selfish.

Please continue your exposure of her affair, not for revenge but to protect you from the inevitable backlash. Remember, she is a capable liar.

I agree that finding a new place will help you heal faster. If it is logistically possible, do it.

Most important, your eyes are wide open, and your head is out of the sand. You are one of the lucky ones to find out before you got married. Glad you found SI, and glad while you had doubts, you still listened.

Please keep posting, it is good to hear how you are doing. So many for reasons of their own stop posting not realizing that faceless strangers care and are wondering.

Best wishes, cheers to a bright future, and to the lucky faithfulwoman who finds you!

Spoiler alert: every response to this thread from now on is going to be "I told you so."

Wrong!!! Just sadness, but with a dose of relief that she has unambiguously given you all the evidence anyone would ever need that she is a lying cheater and that absolutely NOTHING about her has changed. Print it all out, that will help to steel your resolve during those dips in the rollercoaster ride from hell that is betrayal and infidelity.

I know you didn't want it to work out this way. It's ok to grieve the end of this relationship, really it is. Everyone here, and I do mean EVERYONE, understands about all the feelings that are happening and will happen.

I think that you can be very proud of yourself for making this good decision for you.

Is it painful? Yes, yes it is. And it will continue to be for some time. Be prepared for that - that pain is NOT telling you that you made the wrong decision. That pain is the normal response to the trauma that you are going through.

Rest assured though that no matter how painful this experience is, that you are sparing yourself oh so much more, and even more prolonged, pain.

You know why so many here were able to predict so perfectly what would happen? Because WE WERE YOU. So many of us have been there - questioning, thinking we were different, special, that no one else could understand our situation.

Keep posting, it really helps. No one here wants to gloat, only to help, to share our experience about how we are getting through this.

Sending you strength and positive, healing thoughts.

((((toopol))))

I certainly don't know of anyone here that would say I told you so. While we may certainly predict certain behaviours and be fairly confident with that prediction, I (and I don't think I'm alone) always hope to be proven wrong, and have the WS pleasantly surprise everyone.

I'm so sorry things didn't work out the way you wanted, but I know, in time, you will look back on this and heave a huge sigh of relief for escaping a relationship with a dishonest woman.

I guess I'm the proud new poster child for ostrich syndrome.

Even if this were true you'd only hold that position for, I don't know, like a 3-5 days. A week maybe?

Seriously do not beat yourself up over that. You know how so many who posted knew what to advise? Because we've been there ourselves. We were those ostriches too. Ostriches stick together so we try to warn our fellow ostriches when we can. You know what though, we all have to go through this our own way. You're doing very well. Truly.

As far as your XWGF, well two things jumped out at me.

First, her excuse that an angry email sent her into OM's arms was just effing ridiculous. Really? She was so serious about being faithful but for that email. I mean you need to sell that email to the military if it can cause people to crack like that. That's a powerful weapon if it can do all that. You need to lock that thing away.

Second thing is the very interesting move to BCc her breakup email to you. The other posters are correct. This shows how insecure OM is about her. Of course now you have the OM's email address.

Hmmm

You know the best thing for you to do would be to detach and really not engage except for the logistics of the breakup.

Although it would be funny if you emailed her a copy of the texts she's been sending you to get you back with your own message that you appreciate she's realized leaving you was a terrible mistake you just can't take her back now...and BCc him. That's funny to think of...but ill-advised and would just feed the drama. Just remember you could do that whenever you feel frustrated. Sometimes just knowing after all the grenades she's tossed into your life you have the ability to toss one back into hers is enough.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 8:04 AM, June 17th (Friday)]

Toopol, I seem to be a sucker for your thread 😁! I really hope you are OK and I know my posts and others have been harsh to hear.

Deadmumwalking is right, we were you!

I wish I could bring up my initial post from May, 2015! I was much the same as you (less argumentative 😀. I believed all the lines my wh was feeding me. The SI folks told me it was all ridiculous and I thought they were all bitter and crazy. The posts were harsh but ALL right! One poster even correctly predicated when the affair started!

Please don't beat yourself up. Keep posting and when you're ready, use your strength and knowledge to help newbies here on SI.

As long as you engage still will still feel like she has her "hooks" into you.

Crickets. Only once she realizes who fickle, hurtful and immature she is being can she even begin to change those things about herself. Life is too short man. You have to live for you.

When people show you who they are believe them.

I know it does not feel like it right now but you got a gift that many of us wish we would have gotten, solid proof that they were lying the whole time. The problem with being the BS and getting that "love bombing" is that our brains so badly think that we want this person back (the denial part for a BS) and when they start in with that, crying, pleading etc... we so badly WANT to believe them that we let all logic go out the window. We have all been there, done that.

How many times have you read on here that the BS just needs that one piece of proof, that ONE THING, that will snap them out of it, that will show them they are still lying. You just got it.

Its still painful, but it is a gift to you. Take it and run with it. You think you want to be friends with her but as this goes on you will snap out of that one too, she is no friend to you now, she is just using you to feel good. On her end she had 2 men giving her ego kibbles and attention, she did not want to give you up...but she also did not want to give up the other guy either, she liked both. Very typical of a WS. Safety with one, naughty fun with the other. Leaves the BS feeling like crap for sure.

Is it painful? Yes, yes it is. And it will continue to be for some time. Be prepared for that - that pain is NOT telling you that you made the wrong decision

.

This is so, so profundly true. I wish someone had explained this to me as clearly and succinctly as this.

Print this out, and tape it to you mirror or put it in your wallet. Tape it to the back of your phone. But let this truth sink in. Yes, it hurts worse thsn you ever thought anything could hurt. But no, that pain is NOT telling you are making a mistake.

Quite the opposite. No matter what your feelings tell you right now.

toopol,

I'm so sorry you had to go through this, yet glad that your eyes are now wide open as to who she really is.

No, it was never about the SI community being "right." It was ALWAYS about a group of great folks, who've been there, caring about another BS and wanting the best for him.

A quick recommendation: As you move forward and work with your IC, you may want to print out your original thread and refer back to it. A friend here compiled my long-assed threads for me and I read them periodically. It helps knowing how far I've come since my DDay. For you, it's a good tool for introspection. It might highlight certain personality traits and characteristics that you can focus on during IC as you work towards healing and becoming a stronger you.

You will grieve, move on, and eventually develop another relationship with someone. One where that person values and respects you for the kind, caring, intelligent man you are.

Keep posting.

I told her that no, I was not going to reconsider, there was nothing she could do, and that we should both move on.

I guess I'm the proud new poster child for ostrich syndrome.

You're the poster boy for pulling your head out of the sand and realizing that you just might be able to fly after all.

Don't answer her at all anymore. Not even "no".

What's your game plan for her return? What's the deal with the apartment? Is your name on the lease or hers? You might not be able to legally kick her out if her name is on the lease, but pack up her shit and have it ready to go anyway... if she thinks she's gonna get you back later, she'll probably go along with it.

Be fair packing up her stuff. Don't damage it, pack it right. If something belongs to both of you, but you don't have an emotional attachment to it, give it to her. Pack any gifts she gave you too - don't pack those with care, just throw 'em in.

Keep us posted, you've just shed a lot of dead weight in your life, and you'll be feeling better soon now that YOU have control.

I'm sure she'll go back to the other guy now. Although I bet this complicates their relationship; at one point he had told her that he really didn't want to be her "second choice".

Nobody wants to be picked second, but some people will put up with it.

Your gf is going to send you some type of long emotional email telling you how much she loves you and only you.

Just forward that email to Mr. Herpes with the simple message:

"I won. But I don't want her. You can have her."

Your story kind of reminds me of what I went through. My fiancée went to Germany for a student exchange program and cheated on me. Unlike you, I never gave her a second chance, but the storyline is similar. Lots of begging for forgiveness, etc. No smart phones back then so I had to deal with the constant phone calls instead of texts.

After she cheated, I went on a number of dates and had a couple of short term relationships. Maybe a year and a half or two years after the breakup, I met the woman that would become my wife. We have been happily married for 20 years, together for 22 years. I just want you to know that although it hurts now, and will for a while, you will move on from this and have a happy life. Give it time and don't rush into anything new. Enjoy some casual dating as you see fit but don't rush into a new relationship.

As for your ex, she has made some very bad choices. I think she is now feeling "buyer's remorse" about her new guy, realizing she traded a good, long term relationship for a long distance relationship with a guy that gave her herpes and probably isn't a great catch. But, due to her actions, you now know she is a lier and not a great catch either. Moving forward, any new relationship she has, she'll have to use protection and tell her partner that she has herpes.

Do what you need to do to separate your stuff and your living situation. I really would recommend not even remaining friends, but do what you need to do.

Good luck my friend! You may think you were an ostrich, but I think you have handled this perfectly. You'll never have to look back on this and wish you had given her a seecond chance. You gave her that and she messed up again.

[This message edited by Deadandburied at 9:31 AM, June 17th (Friday)]

<raising hand> Fellow ostrich here myself, for me it isn't an "I told you so" but more of relief to hear that NOW you see her for who she is. Now you have that one evidence to give you that certainty on how to move forward. My own suggestion is to get out of that apartment and into a new one as soon as you can. That place will be a trigger for you. That place will be her last "hook" into you as she tries to take her sweet ass time getting her personal effects out, followed by calls or texts asking if you still have a "whatever" over there because she may have left it AND can she come over and get it? If affordable, find gated complex. You never know if she will become a bitter clinger from this point forward.

In my experience, new beginnings are best when started in a new location. I strongly believe you are going to come out of this experience much stronger emotionally and mentally than before. If I remembered correctly you mentioned that if it didn't work out with the WGF that you would hope to find someone else like her. I strongly suggest that you explore why you want someone like her again. One of the things we also say around her is to make sure that you fix your "picker", otherwise you are more than likely to experience a repeat performance. Make sure you separate the "good" from the "bad" you found in your WGF when you assess her and consider what to look for in a future partner.

Also, don't fall for that "I can't live without you!" crap. You do better finding that one woman who CAN live without you but CHOOSES to share her life with you. You would do much better to be in that same mindset as well. Keeping that mindset helps in the relationship to maintain respect and avoid the "tendency for codependency".

I really like SquirrelFace's suggestion -

Your gf is going to send you some type of long emotional email telling you how much she loves you and only you.

Just forward that email to Mr. Herpes with the simple message:

"I won. But I don't want her. You can have her."

Evil genuis...

[This message edited by Jduff at 10:00 AM, June 17th (Friday)]

If you would have fell for this trap you would have experienced the hot/cold effect I've seen way too many times. Basically the second you say you'll take her back she suddening goes from wanting you to "I don't know now, sorry" again.

We all want what we can't have and when she realised she was losing you for good her ego kicked in and made it her mission to win you back. The problem is she doesn't really want you back, she just doesn't want you to stop wanting her. You being in a position of a backup plan and desiring her feeds her ego and allows her to take chances with the OM with little risk (if things go bad you'd be there as Plan B).

As a rule of thumb NEVER trust any changes that happen overnight. True changes takes months and if you see someone flip flop like that know that they can and will go right back to the other side just as fast.

I would expose her to all your common friends. This will help them see who the real person she is. That way once she comes back in town she doesn't turn this around on you. The other thing I would do is move her belongings out to a storage shed and tell her when she comes back that is where her stuff will be and she can contact a friend of hers for the key. I would then block her on every level. The only other things I would consider doing is sending her messages to the OM. Let him see the prize he was fighting for.

The sooner cut her out of your life all together the better off you will be. We have all been played. We all had to learn the hard way. Don't think your alone in this respect. We just hope now you see it and you will start to protect yourself from her.

C

Glad you have clarity now. It is so hard to feel you're making decisions without full knowledge.

I know you said you felt she was telling the truth because of her horrifying thoughts that she'd tell you. I think that makes it extra cruel. She knew she was having sex with him while she did this whole charade with you. That isn't even lying under some guise of "trying to protect you" that many WS say. It's just being cruel and manipulative

I know you said you felt she was telling the truth because of her horrifying thoughts that she'd tell you. I think that makes it extra cruel. She knew she was having sex with him while she did this whole charade with you. That isn't even lying under some guise of "trying to protect you" that many WS say. It's just being cruel and manipulative

Excellent point! She continued having sex with him, all while pretending to be working on your relationship???

Cruel and manipulative is too nice for that kind of behavior.

Second thing is the very interesting move to BCc her breakup email to you. The other posters are correct. This shows how insecure OM is about her. Of course now you have the OM's email address.

Hmmm

You know the best thing for you to do would be to detach and really not engage except for the logistics of the breakup.

Although it would be funny if you emailed her a copy of the texts she's been sending you to get you back with your own message that you appreciate she's realized leaving you was a terrible mistake you just can't take her back now...and BCc him. That's funny to think of...but ill-advised and would just feed the drama. Just remember you could do that whenever you feel frustrated. Sometimes just knowing after all the grenades she's tossed into your life you have the ability to toss one back into hers is enough.

That's occurred to me too! Actually, by far the most damaging thing I could do is tell her very conservative Catholic parents about what she did. But I don't really think that's appropriate. I might use it as a threat to get her to stop contacting me if necessary, though.

Your gf is going to send you some type of long emotional email telling you how much she loves you and only you.

Yep, I got it this morning. It clocks in at over 1700 words. Plus a voice mail and text begging me to just talk to her. "I know you think you've made up your mind but" blah blah blah.

She's swearing that she has total clarity now, that she knows what she wants. She says that she'd quit her job for me, go anywhere, do anything to avoid losing me. She wrote eloquently about how much of an idiot she was for thinking that the other relationship had any potential. She says that she'll withstand any anger and "take the beatings" without complaint for as long as I need. And the longest paragraph was devoted to listing all the sweetest things about our relationship: the old love poems, the special memories, the intimacy.

It's the most bittersweet feeling. But I know it's over, and I don't plan to waver on that.

I haven't responded. I'm not sure whether to stay silent altogether or to send a reply saying "stop calling and texting me; the only thing I want you to do is let me go." Or I could actually explain to her why I don't trust what she's saying anymore.

I know you said you felt she was telling the truth because of her horrifying thoughts that she'd tell you. I think that makes it extra cruel. She knew she was having sex with him while she did this whole charade with you. That isn't even lying under some guise of "trying to protect you" that many WS say. It's just being cruel and manipulative

Yeah. There was a lot of "gosh it's so hard to have faith in our relationship" while she was actually seeing him. I haven't done it yet, but I kinda want to go through my journal from the past month and cross-reference all the things she told me against what I now know was going on.

[This message edited by toopol at 1:07 PM, June 17th (Friday)]

Her reason is that the other relationship wasn't enough, not that yours and hers was enough. Gotta read between the lines but she keeps giving you confirmation of your decision.

Great idea to hold onto that ammunition in case she tries to start some shit. YOu still have to deal with the possessions and apartment.

I also agree with the other poster(s) that said you should out her to your mutual friends. She is not going to give you the courtesy of owning her shit when the story spreads around, and if you don't act pre-emptively, you might regret it.

You're amazingly strong and an inspiration!

Very sorry to read through this thread today toopol. She used your emotions like a toy yo yo. That why when it come to this...

I haven't responded. I'm not sure whether to stay silent altogether or to send a reply saying "stop calling and texting me; the only thing I want you to do is let me go." Or I could actually explain to her why I don't trust what she's saying anymore.

Go completely silent and no contact as much as possible. You don't owe her anything but you do owe yourself some emotional protection. Remain NC while she is gone. For now, write a check list of things you need to get done in order to separate living arrangements, finances, any day to day living stuff for when she gets back. Divorce mode for you. In divorce mode it's children and finances only. This is not meant to be cruel but really is protection for you. Also to keep it as "clean" as possible as she is only going to try and muddy the waters and attempt to get back in. It may be tempting to reply for many reasons, but really let all those reasons go and protect yourself on the way out the door.

Start packing up her shit. Get a place for her to stay for when she gets back IF it's a possibility. Her parents? A friends? Start getting on that stuff while you have little interference. Or at least as much as you can such as packing up her stuff. The less drama when she gets back the better.

yop