SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Glad to hear you're talking with your parents

Im sorry I just can't lie I literally laughed my ass off at that plot twist... well it really wasn't much of one because we all knew this would come eventually, I just didn't think it would be this fast, obviously looks like she tried to find out where the guy was and found that he probably was saying the same shit she ate to another girl... "whoopsies! Hey toopol can you take me back? I mean you do love me right? You will because you are better than me n.n" No, good for you that you want to keep the break up friendly but don't choose friendly if anything turn it into a profesional relationship, only contact you have with her from now on is about things like apartment, bills that is both on your names and other things like that, nothing else.

I think you made a good decision. I am a firm believer in second chances but not third chances. My experience tells me that third chances usually lead to fourth chances, fifth chances...etc. There is someone else just waiting for you out there. Go find her. I wish you well.

When I say that I want to stay on friendly terms with her, I don't mean "hang out with each other, do errands and favors for each other, and call each other all the time" kind of friends. I mean "people can still feel comfortable inviting us both to the same dinner party" kind of friends. I want to split up quickly and not spend time alone together after that.

^^^ That is called being civil, not being friends. It's like dealing with that colleague that you don't really like but have to work with occasionally. That's fine. You still might want to have a cooling off period where you don't see her at all until you have healed a bit.

My D-Day was April 2015. We (really he) decided to break up in August. I am in such a better place now than I was back then, so I can say with confidence that you will survive and thrive.

I agree with everyone. She met with her AP no doubt in my mind, or anyone posting here.

They hooked up, and either he rejected her when he learned she kicked you to the curb, or she realized what a fool she is. Does not matter, she made her choice, and it was not you. Too little, too late in my book. She chose him over you, went to him, something happened and you are the Plan B.

You are NOT a Plan B for Ms. Herpes.

If I remember, she came clean about lover bellboy after her STD was revealed. I say revealed vs discover because I am sure she knew before the testing. Thank goodness you did not contract this "gift". Toopol, she has demonstrated once more that you are not her choice. Do not play the pick me dance. She is not worth it. You are.

I would go NC, block her number, email, Skype, etc. There is nothing more to say to her, and nothing more she needs to say. Remember she was screwing him and hiding it from you last time. She has proven herself an accomplished liar. I am glad you have support from your parents, and be honest with them. Your EX, is not worth protecting. She made her bed, slept in it, and woke up next to a bell...boy. Lord.

You dodged a big time bullet. Do not fall for her crocodile tears when she comes for her things. Your eyes are clear and fog free. Yes, it hurts, a lot, but you are worth it. She is not.

Stand tall!!!!

Best wishes!!!

Should u take her back no.

Will u take her back. Maybe??

We can all sit here and tell u the smart thing to do but smart and ur heart are completely different

Just know I think I can speak for everyone on here when I say we will not judge if u do. We will still love and support you and ur decision

I just wanted to say that you are very fortunate to have found SI and very fortunate to have such caring strangers who have BTDT giving you advice. I hope you stand firm in your decision to let her go. It will not be easy in the coming days.

Also, I assume someone along the way here at SI has recommended that you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy." It's usually suggested, so I just wanted to make sure you have read it.

All the best to you.

I chimed in once before. I will chime in one last time. It does not make one bit of difference if she actually saw him or not. Scores of individuals have listed the reasons why you should have broken up with her at the beginning of this mess. The situation has only gotten worse. You should not, even for one moment, contemplate trying to make this work. We all saw where this was heading, and you refused to listen. You are still doubting the collective wisdom of this group. I don't understand it. Take this moment of clarity, and RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No need for a polygraph. The truth that she told is bad enough. It doesn't matter if she saw him, didn't see him, talked to him, didn't talk to him, had sex with him, didn't have sex with him. Who cares?????? The information you have is enough to leave with confidence that you gave it a fair chance, and this relationship is doomed. Get the hell out, and don't look back. You don't seem to appreciate subtlety, so I am unusually blunt.

Your apartment is probably great. Who cares? I bet there is an even better apartment out there in a better location for even less money that you haven't discovered yet. Would I wait for her to move? No! It's hard to move someone out; you can't legally touch or move their stuff. But, it's 100% legal for you to move all of your belongings. Just leave! Yes, YOU LEAVE! If your name is on the lease, then arrange a settlement with your landlord to terminate the lease. Just get the hell out. Get out of her life, get out of the apartment, get out of the relationship.

Forget about being "friendly." Just be as friendly as you would with anybody else. If you keep the same friends, that's great. If you don't, who cares??????? Then, they weren't true friends to begin with. Your going to have to take some risks, and you cannot avoid some of the fallout that comes with a breakup. Guess what? No big deal. You would only have to be nervous, or sad, or hesitant, or shameful if you did something wrong. You didn't. You should walk with your head high knowing that you did everything in your power to fix this. Some things just cannot fixed. ACCEPT THAT. This relationship is irretrievably broken. If you insist on trying to make it work, then you have been warned.

I told you before that she gave you a very special gift - a glimpse into your future. Who knew that you future would be just weeks away. I was thinking years down the line. You got so LUCKY! Seriously, you are LUCKY!!!! You are not married, you have no assets together, and most importantly NO CHILDREN. Get the hell out, and if you are thinking about trying to make it work one more time, then you need to go to therapy to see not what's wrong with your girlfriend, but to discover what is wrong with you to allow yourself to be treated like this.

Well, I just lucked into a bit of evidence that proves she's been lying to me about not contacting the other guy (and ergo, probably, everything else). So that helps to kill the last lingering doubts! I really have gotten lucky in some ways, haven't I? Anyway, I'm still sorting this out, but I'll give a full update late tonight or tomorrow. I'm gonna take care of myself now. And I promise to listen to your advice and put more faith in this forum's collective experience in the future. Ostrich syndrome no more!

Get some rest toopol. I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain.

I really have gotten lucky in some ways, haven't I?

Yes, it is nice to have that extra validation that you really did dodge a bullet with her. Rest well tonight and start making plans to go see your parents/friends as they'll be an oasis for you after everything you've experienced.

You should go NC with her. Why would you want to remain friends with someone that betrayed you like that?

The longer you remain in contact the harder is going to be for you to recover.

She's NOT your friend.

Oh Toopol. I am so sorry that things didn't end the way you wanted. I know it hurts. Rest up and take care of yourself. Definitely keep the apartment and also have another think about the mutual friends. It might be a good time to make some new friends who care about you. Then you can completely go NC and heal. I also second packing up her stuff and start reclaiming your apartment.

It hurts to know that the person you loved most in the world looked you in the eye and lied to you. It hurts that they could hurt you again and again. I hope when you are ready you find someone else who appreciates you.

Okay, big update! Spoiler alert: every response to this thread from now on is going to be "I told you so."

So. Earlier today, I got an email from the other guy. It was a weird test email with no real content. I later found out that my girlfriend had BCCed him on her breakup email to me, and he responded to it because he wasn't sure if she had even sent it to a real email address. So A) he's not the sharpest tool in the shed, B) the lack of trust is starting even earlier than usual with these two, and C) it was immediately obvious that she had been in contact with him beforehand.

She still wants to get back together. Tonight, I called her and I told her that I knew she had contacted him. At first she denied it. Then there was a long silence (like 2 full minutes), and then she admitted to talking to him, and then she admitted to meeting up with him. I asked her about sex, and she said "not every time". So hey, not so bad right?

We ended up talking for about an hour. I was resolute in saying that I was not willing to try again, especially after this. She told me that she had been confused and felt like she needed to figure out what she wanted (again? I thought that's what happened the first time around?). She also said that she had fully intended to stay true to me, but after I sent her a particularly angry email, she had lost her resolve and turned to the other guy for comfort. I looked at the timeline, and that means that she lasted almost a full week before cheating on me again! And she's been seeing him for about ten days. I don't doubt that she was going through tough times, but I can imagine more constructive ways of getting through them.

She told me that she really really really meant what she said earlier: that after she sent me the breakup email, she immediately realized that she wanted me, and that she's totally 110% sure this time. She asked me over and over again if there was anything she could do to change my mind. It sounded like she would have quit her job and hopped on a plane right away if I had asked her, which was a little bit gratifying. And I won't deny that a part of me wanted to accept her adoration and passion. There's a lot that I'm going to miss about our old relationship. But I told her that no, I was not going to reconsider, there was nothing she could do, and that we should both move on.

I'm sure she'll go back to the other guy now. Although I bet this complicates their relationship; at one point he had told her that he really didn't want to be her "second choice".

After that call, I wrote again to my parents and my brother and some close friends. A few minutes later (as I was writing this post, actually) she called again, but I let it go to voice mail three times. She texted me "please talk to me". I said no. She told me that we can still make a different choice. I told her "I'm not going to reconsider. I'm going to put my phone in airplane mode now." And I did.

So there you have it! You guys were right all along. And I was so annoyed with you for insisting that this would happen! I apologize. I'm just glad that I got this lucky chance to see the truth despite myself. I continually underestimated her capacity to lie. I guess I'm the proud new poster child for ostrich syndrome. I know I have a lot to work on about myself, and I plan to keep going to therapy (but alone this time). I think I'll be much better prepared for my next relationship, and I hope to find true happiness in that.

It's clear that she's going to keep love bombing me and try really hard to get me to reconsider. I'm not going to do that. But although I'm sure of myself, I don't doubt that it's going to be painful. I'm going to have to grieve for the relationship that I imagined I had. But I'm confident that with the support of my family, friends, and forum folks, I can get through it.

Oof. This is really no fun at all. But I finally have the clarity I craved for so long! That feels nice, at least.

Sending you strength. Stay strong to your new plan. Yes it is going to be difficult, change is hard but worth it in the end. Remember, you didn't bring this to yourself your WG ruined it all when she cheated. It's hard for us BS to have to deal with the shitstorm our lives have become through no choice of our own.

I am glad you got the evidence you needed to be able to see for yourself what your WG was like. I also needed my WH to reveal his true personality (lying serial cheating contemptuous asshat) before I found the courage to plan my departure.

Good luck for your future.

Toopol,

It'll be tough but you will make it. Keep your resolve. The IC will help.

I'm sorry for your pain and your sense of loss.

Its best time to pack up any things she has at your place ,box it up and put it out of sight .You really should think about blocking her number ,i dont think there is anything else to be said to her now .She can always contact you in person when she gets back , to get her things.

I continually underestimated her capacity to lie.

The only reason she admitted the affair in the first place is because she knew about the STD. Please tell me you don't have herpes. Please reread you whole thread and question yourself when you say things like... I chose to believe she is telling me the truth, she wouldn't lie....

I'm not saying this because I want to twist the knife further. I'm saying this because you are unbelievably susceptible to your exgf manipulations.

Because of your susceptibility I think you should be the one that moves. Even if she says you can have the apartment you aren't going to want all of those memories. You can start moving forward today - Talk to the landlord, begin apartment hunting, pick-up boxes, make lists, begin packing... Please don't wait for her to come home and then have a 3 hour discussion on who should move...and then change your minds and discuss it again for another 3 hours... and then....

Take some action to get yourself out of this mess. You need to be able to go NC with her as soon as possible.

NC=No new hurt and it the quickest way for you to heal.

Every emotional conversation you have with her is going to give you another douse of pain. It will feel productive while you are talking, and good for awhile afterwards but ... several hours after the conversation you will be back at base one as far as detachment.

You seem to be prone to "discussions", "talking things out", "getting closure", "understanding why"... if the end result is that you want to leave this relationship with as little pain as possible you can't keep having these conversations.

I have to say I'm proud of you for telling your parents, friends and family. Keep them informed, they will keep you from going back and get you through this. I'm proud of you for canceling Couples Counseling and booking IC... really examine how you let yourself be manipulated by this girl for so long.... you don't want that to happen in your next relationship.

Things will get easier once you are not living together - please be proactive in this.

I'm going to put my phone in airplane mode now." And I did.

That's only the first step. Download something like Mr. Number and block her number. Then start looking for another place to live. Don't give us more reasons to say "I told you so".

Toopol,

You can say "I told you so" to me. I really thought you would cave and you didn't. I'm so relieved for you.

Listen carefully to what people are saying, lots of us are much further along than you.

I agree when others say to leave the apartment if you can. You need a fresh start without all those memories. It isn't fair I know but all of this will make you stronger.

Remain nc with her.

You are a good man, Toopol.

Sending you strength and virtual {{{hugs}}}