SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Do you see what we're talking about how inaction (again talking is not action) and a lack of consequences for your wife just leads to more entitled and degenerate behavior? That trying to "be the bigger man" just gets you even more disrespect in these situations?? That the advice we're giving you and actions we're telling you to take isn't just for kicks?? Why we've been telling you actions speak louder than words (as well as to STOP all the talking and getting into circular arguments that accomplish nothing).

Expose, 180, and file (if you can this early, not sure if you have to wait a year before you actually can file). Stop the talking, stop the arguing, stop asking her questions when you know more than enough. She's still fucking the guy and throwing it in your face what more do you need to know from her? What is more talking going to get you except more disrespect and her seeing you as weaker every time you do?

Not coming down on you just trying to give you some 2x4s to get you to take action. Moving out is fine since your in Australia, I don't think a lawyer can accuse you of abandonment since from what I understand you have to be separated a year before a divorce is final. But that's not a consequence unless she's remorseful and wants to work on the marriage. Now she just has more free range to be with her boy toy.

Again, you can't be "nice" about any of this. You don't have to be an asshole but you need to stop trying to reason with her and you need to stop trying to be reasonable. Once again: That. Does. Not. Work.

And I'm not sure if you're still on that joint counseling session trip but you need to nip that in the bud like now. See a councilor for yourself but your wife does not need to be a part of it. Period. Nothing he says to your wife is going to change anything when she's in this mindset.

[This message edited by JS84 at 10:12 PM, August 30th (Wednesday)]

Just a thought, you might want to consult with a knowledgeable divorce lawyer, I personally know an Aussie member here that filed for immediate D due to infidelity...took 90 days or so, and that was only because she was dragging her feet.

Seriously, look into it.

Oz, so sorry this is happening. You did a very strong thing by leaving. I wish I had your strength to file for D right after dday 1.

You will heal faster if you are not living with her who is the source of your pain and who is mentally abusing you. It is just pure evil that she told you it was your fault that she went and had sex with that POS. Do you know him, is he married?

If you stayed you would go insane. Watching her have an affair in your face. What you get sloppy seconds if you are a good boy and don't complain about her affair?

If she wants the marriage then she needs to tell you everything, unlock her phone and quit her job. These 3 should be nonnegotiable. You want the truth, you want complete transparency, and you want her to quit her job today.

I'm really proud of you for leaving her, that was extremely hard and brave. She really gave you no other option. If you divorce you will be fine, you will date and eventually fall in love again. Hang in there, you are doing awesome. Again don't let her manipulate you to come back unless she tells you the complete truth, is completely transparent, and quits her job. Those 3 conditions are nonnegotiable.

How are you doing, Oz?

Those first few days/weeks after moving out can feel a bit jittery, so best to keep busy!

Keep posting for support...it helps!

OrdinaryDude, I've been trying to do a little research on Aussie laws, I think that 90 days must have been AFTER the 12 months separation. That looks to be a hard and fast requirement, (holy crap!) before you even apply.

Hoping I'm wrong.

Any knowledgeable Aussie's on board?

[This message edited by twisted at 12:19 PM, September 1st (Friday)]

I'll ask the guy I know...we talk on FB from time to time.

I'm sure he can explain it.

Updated...yes, I was mistaken. They have a written agreement in place, but still have to finish the waiting period, Its just a formality at this point.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 5:14 PM, September 1st (Friday)]

As for consequences you can go back and ask her to leave because she is the one who compromised the marriage.

Her behavior indicate she little love and emotions towards you. One thing you should not get subjected to - getting victimized over and over for example getting angry and depressed due to infidelity. Right now WW is not your friend, get emotional help form some one who cares about you. Best response is conduct your other responsibilities like job as best as you can .

What the heck with someone who go and f after an argument

[This message edited by goalong at 2:19 PM, September 1st (Friday)]

Well. I'm surviving the moving out.

I've moved in with my mother. She's handling it well and looking after me. So far I haven't been home early, I've been out with people (all planned before I left anyway)

I'm feeling real physical pain though. It's no doubt heart burn, but it actually physically hurts. I'm also feeling consistently nauseous.

I get angry whenever I think about what she's done. I'm angry she won't tell me everything and I "know" the reason why she won't is because it's really really bad!

I go from giving her no chance to thinking I might still try all the time.

I've been with her for 17 years. We're 3 weeks since dday and perhaps it's top soon to make a decision.

You guys tell me that what she's doing is on script. That helps. It makes me think that maybe, just maybe it might still be alright.

I caught up with one of my mates last night and had a good chat with them. He's my friend, but still disagreed with some of my demands and expectations.

It was good to have that external input from my friend. It made me think that perhaps on some parts of my demands my ww is right.

Perhaps my expectations are too high and perhaps it will all take time.

We have our next MC on Monday. I plan to listen alot and see how I feel during and afterwards.

Recently, every time I see her, I feel like there's no future. I suspect that the next time will be the same. I'm ok with that.

If I feel different then so be it.

I have no intention of moving back in unless it's a permanent decision. This means there is much work to do before I feel safe enough to go back. I simply refuse to go back and move out again. That isn't going to work.

I have an expectation that my ww will make some effort. I need to see actions. Being away from her will absolutely make that harder, but perhaps it will bring her to reality.

It may be that she realises that she doesn't want this marriage too.

Im open to view every outcome, but I'm going to protect my soul. I'm not going to allow myself to let my guard down and be destroyed again.

Tomorrow is father's day in Aus. She's not invited to the festivities. In fact she's been uninvited.

Im messaging her today to say I'm taking the kids for 3 days. I'm not sure how that will go down, but we'll see. Again, it might just bring her focus back to reality.

Ill keep you posted

Stay strong. Thanks for updating us. Happy Fathers day.

C

That physical pain in the gut is a tough one to advise on. For me it was a mind over matter issue. I recognized that it's ever presence was dehabiliting me, wearing me down. One morning I just decided I wouldn't let it do that anymore. I don't know what else to tell you, other than it was a conscious decision.

Once you decide on an action plan, ensure you keep moving forward. Step by step, one day at a time. That greatly helps too. It's part out of the long climb out of the situation.

You do need to embrace all of the emotions you are feeling and process them, not suppress them. Cry as much as you need to, it's part of the process. You're no less of a man for doing it. You're grieving the loss of the marriage you thought you had!

It's very clear from your posts that you've got a good sense of self, and that you're strong enough to work through this once you get your emotions under control. The only thing is you're focusing too much on what your WW may or may not be thinking. In reality her head is wedged firmly up her arse thinking about the OM, and what life with him could be like. There's a good probability he's in it just for the sex. That's in part why exposure is so important. Once the situation becomes a hassle for him, maybe she becomes not worth it for him. Tough to know, but that's a common scenario if you read enough stories here.

It was good to have that external input from my friend. It made me think that perhaps on some parts of my demands my ww is right.

Perhaps my expectations are too high and perhaps it will all take time.

Stop thinking like this. Nothing, I repeat nothing she has done or said is right. Not even close. Your friend clearly does not understand the need to get out of infidelity before there is any chance of reconciliation.

- She is still working with him

- She is throwing her affair in your face

- She is blaming her horrible choices on you

- She is disrespecting you and your feelings

- She is not remorseful. In fact she doesn't even seem to show any regret for her betrayal but justifies it as a punishment for your lack of attention.

Listen to the advice here and be strong. It is the only way to get out of infidelity even if it means divorce. It is her loss my friend.

"A marriage is repaired in between MC sessions, not at them."...man, you nailed this on the head!!

She hasn't been there for you but you still remain faithful. Good for you!

id bet that the argument that "led" to her going to see her boyfriend was sparked by her. its not that the argument led her to go there because she was angry at you, thats nonsense and self serving bullsh1t. she had the argument because she wanted to see him and the argument was a justification for her to do so ... she set it up.

id say you need to see in her phone and recover missing and deleted texts as well as what apps she has installed to communicate secretly with her boyfriend BUT ... shes still working with him so they are still talking together, the affair is still going on, and her phone details arent going to provide much info because they can talk at work anytime they want.

id bet the farm she shaved for her boyfriend. thats totally a prep for sex. is she still denying she saw him this day but admitted she saw him the other? does it really matter if she didnt have sex with him on fri but instead did on a sunday? isnt it still seeing him and having sex with him?

i dont know aus legalities. in america leaving the home is a bad idea - it can constitute abandonment and can come back later to hurt your custody case regarding your kids. you need to talk to a lawyer.

marriage counseling is to find a middle ground for an arguing couple. its not useful for a sheep and a wolf to meet and discuss whats for dinner, which is what is currently going on.

its good to talk to friends and get support. but if they havent been through an affair they dont really have much useful to add in terms of strategy or whats okay and not. better to get that advice from the been there, done that crowd that have experience with affairs.

have you exposed her affair at work to her work? most jobs wont tolerate that?

Oz

I'm feeling real physical pain though. It's no doubt heart burn, but it actually physically hurts. I'm also feeling consistently nauseous.

Nausea and what feels like heartburn are fairly common symptoms of a heart attack. Many times people ignore the "minor" symptoms until real damage is done to the heart.

I strongly suggest you see a doctor and tell him about your discomfort.

BS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:14 PM, September 6th (Wednesday)]

How you doin, Oz?

I caught up with one of my mates last night and had a good chat with them. He's my friend, but still disagreed with some of my demands and expectations.

When my D-day first went down, I confided in a friend at work, one of the most intelligent guys I ever met, good Christian guy, spent most of his life on missionary trips, been all over the world, well read, etc. He tried very hard to help me rationalize everything, but he disagreed on me telling the OM's wife. That just didn't make sense to me, and this was before I found SI. Of course everybody here knows that the first thing you need to do.

My point is that even you best friends,as well meaning as they are, haven't been where you are. Sometimes you have to trust your gut.

Hope you're doing well.

Hey all.

I don't know why, but I felt like I'd pop on here and update you all with what happened!

Long story short, we did split and will be divorcing.

She was still continuing the affair. I found the concrete evidence I needed.

I knew it was still happening, but didn't want to believe it and wouldn't let myself believe it.

It's been 10 months since my gut told me it was happening and 8 months since d day.

We've sold our house (lost $200k in the process) and separated finances.

I've moved into a rental and she's moved in with her mother.

My life had improved significantly and hers has gone to shit. She has become an awful person. She's rude and nasty to me, she's unreasonable and is just nothing like I ever expected her to be.

I've moved from loving her, to not loving her, to disliking her, to hating her.

I genuinely think I'm a reasonable person, no doubt I'm not perfect, but I tell you what, she's become a completely different person.

I've invested a lot of focus on myself. Joined a MMA gym, lost 15kg (35 lb) of fat, gained 7kg (16lb) of muscle and started competing jujitsu!

I actually won my first competition a few weeks ago.

I'm a million times happier, fitter healthier and doing way better at work.. Life is good for me and it's such a relief to be out of the marriage.

I've realised how selfish she was (before the affair) and how I allowed myself to be treated poorly.

I've met someone new who really respects me, and I'm loving spending time with her.

My ex is still with her AP. I doubt it will last, (not a bitter BS) but they are genuinely both nowhere in life.

She's 33, living with her mum and unable to stand on her own 2 feet. He's 35 and really not doing any better. I don't actually care what happens, but definitely will get a little kick when it all falls apart!

This site helped me alot. Upon reflection I wish I had done many things differently. I wish I had confronted her sooner and had been more open to the idea of separating. I so desperately wanted to stay in the marriage that I didn't put myself first.

Even still, had she have done everything I wanted, I still think we would have separated as I hadn't been happy for years.

Despite all the pain she caused (and the one night I almost took my own life) I am genuinely thankful for what happened.

The affair has unleashed a new me, a better version of me and has now improved my life.

Hope you all are doing well.

God bless

I remember your thread well

Glad that you were able to find your way out of her infidelity.

How are things with your kids. Do you get sufficient time with them?

Keep on down that path. You’re doing great.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:59 AM, March 12th (Monday)]

Hey Ozbetrayed

Thanks so much for posting this update. As I think that you will understand, this bit resonates so loudly with me;

The affair has unleashed a new me, a better version of me and has now improved my life.

I so love seeing a fellow sojourner finding a new happy.

I dont post in JFO much at the moment. Like you, I have found that that marriage that I thought was irreplaceable. That woman, who I thought I loved in a way that I could never love again, was actually mean and shallow. Incapable of true love. I built a facade of what I wanted her to be and them constantly made excuses for her to myself and my children.

I have finally found what being actually loved by a warm and wonderful, real woman is. And I have to hold myself back from becoming a D missionary in several threads where I see a BS doing all the work, and holding on to an M that is clearly abusive.

I tend to reserve my JFO posting to to those threads where the BS either had D forced on them, or where the D decision has been taken.

Perhaps you could help out on those. You like me, seem to have had some IRL voices that tried to make us feel bad for making those choices. I found it reassuring when some on SI gave me support and encouragement for my decision.

Thanks for the update. Glad things worked out in the end.