SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You have a good moral compass. Surprisingly to you I don’t feel much danger of you falling into a death spiral on this one.

You are holding ground on this amazingly, though understandably it may not feel that way given the extreme gas lighting.

Shes already admitted to at least flirting. Flirting is an EA. An EA is an affair. Period. You don’t just have a smoking gun, you have her giving it to you

A deep EA with contact. It's a PA. Most in your position don't want to believe it but denial just means you'll stay in the limbo you've been in.

workplace affairs are the hardest to prove but I think you already know the truth.

I'm also late to the party, but you've gotten great advice.

I just want to add one thing. If you threaten an ultimatum, be prepared to back it up no matter what.

You're in for a long hard road and we'll be here to back you up.

I'm sorry if I missed it... but have you considered that she may be using a throwaway phone or a cheating app on her own phone?

Also they most definitely could be doing stuff in a storage closet at work... oldie but goodie. There's not much new under the sun. They wouldn't even have to use the phone then.

The storage closet at work is so romantic! Kind of like me rolling up on my wayward sitting in her boyfriends truck at 10pm. I rolled down my window, put on my interior light and gave each one the middle finger while saying fuck you and fuck you. The shock on their faces with their mouths wide open was the most pathetic show- I knew there and then they deserved each other, two absolute losers.

There is a really good book you and your wife may want to read called Not Just Friends. It may just be texting but can easily become a slippery slope.

Her: my husband found out. my jaw hit the flooor

Him: OMG

Her: He went crazy

Him: thats just wacked

Her: I know

Him: was he able to read anything

her: i don't think so

Her: i think we need to keep it professional

him: agreed

this entire conversation is suspicious especially her last response "i think we need to keep it professional" So what were the conversations about?

I would continue to monitor thhe conversations to get more information before confronting her. IMO better to confront with solid proof and make sure you have copies if she deletes or tries to deny.

I can only tell you how things look in your situation from what I went through with my STBXWW.

700 texts to a coworker is excessive to the extreme. The fact she guards her phone and all other forms of communication...HUGE red flag.

The fact she is cagey about interactions and where she goes with coworkers and friends Flashing red strobe light red flag.

These are the actions of someone who is doing something they know they shouldn't be.

To your question of could it only be emotional, well the fact she has been out with this person and hides who and where she goes out with says otherwise.

These are all things I dealt with. Not being allowed to know my wife's work friends. Her constantly being in her phone. Her hiding and protecting her phone.

I heard all the excuses you have probably heard too. He's just a good friend, its someone I'm helping through a hard time, and my personal favorite he's like a brother to me. It was all lies.

Her blowing up at you over you texting friends is her transferring what she's doing onto you. It is another sign of how inappropriate her relationship with these friends has became. I dealt with it, to the point I was not allowed to have female friends as she was insanely jealous, because ya know if she's doing it I must be too.

The reason it may seem that people are instantly pushing for divorce is this. If you don't take some sort of decisive action she will continue to gaslight you and betray you.

The pick me dance as they call it where we try to be everything we can for our waywards and help them realize we are the better choice... well I've never seen it work. It didn't for me, and was one of the big mistakes I made early on.

Be aware that setting ultimatums for her will mean nothing if you don't back up your words with hard actions should she not comply. It will only show her that she can continue walking all over you as there are no consequences to her actions.

I dealt with multiple betrayals, as have many others here. The advice we give that may seem harsh at times, is us only wanting you to avoid the mistakes that so many of us made, myself included.

Good luck in whatever you decide, and continue to reach out here for support on the days you need it. S.I is a community of people who truly get what you are going through.

Utilize that support however you can, even if its to come here and vent. We've been there ourselves, and wish the best for you.

OneRoad

It’s as simple as this.

“We vowed to make each other number 1 in each others lives. Now a year later you are communicating something to another man that you refuse to and are ashamed to show me. I can never spend my life dedicating my love and faithfulness to someone who is saying things to another that would hurt, repulse and scar me. I didn’t think this is who you were. I was wrong. You obviously don’t love me. You can go be with him. I’m moving on. “

Then read THE 180 in the healing library here at this forum and implement it.

Talk to a lawyer and find out your rights. Have them draw up papers to be served at your command.

Only talk to her about paying the bills. Nothing else. Do nothing for her. She has given her heart to another.

We’re thinking of you during this hard time.

So she and her boyfriend have agreed to keep their TEXTING professional.

And that would be because they panicked when you saw their texts.

So all future texts - using her cell carrier's texting feature, will be professional. Which means, these two sneaks have merely found a NEW way to stay in touch that you CAN'T stumble across. KiK, Snapchat, etc. etc. etc. There are a million apps out there that use WiFi and DON'T use your phone's texting feature and therefore don't show up on the cell bill or in her phone's texting history. There are apps that hide themselves, and features on your own phone that allow you to keep apps private.

Just the fact that she's guarding her phone like a pit bull but there are no longer texts showing up on her phone pretty much SCREAMS they're suing another app, is all.

I completely agree with your counselor when she said you need to 'man the fuck up' and take care of business. Writing her a letter just looks SO damned weak and passive. It just screams, "I'm too afraid to tell you this to your face so I'm going to write it instead." Seriously, take your counselor's advice and man the hell up, show her your strength and confidence, and tell her exactly what's going to have to happen or you'll be at your lawyer's office. No more silly letters.

And lastly, these two don't HAVE to go out at night or meet up after work in order to be having an affair. A good many office affairs are conducted during the day. Extended lunch hours, places to meet in the building where they won't be seen, coming in late because they had a 'flat tire' on the way to work, leaving work an hour or two early for a 'doctor's appt.' or supposed child-related reason - there are tons of ways for them to get out of work for a bit and meet at his place.

If you knew how many SI members over the years had sworn their WS wasn't cheating because they were home every night right on time from work - then came to find out the affair had been going on for YEARS during the day - you'd be shocked.

My fear is...if I call her out again...and throw out the D...and I'm wrong [most of you think I am spot on]...well...that is very scary for me. I need to be honest with all of you

.

She is having an affair, she has already admitted to the texting, the flirting and you have evidence of her inappropriate relationship with him:

i need a hug from my favorite guy

Stop living in fear. Apart from the affair she is treating you badly:

Is she showing you respect? – no

Is she showing you love? – no

Is she having sex with you? - no

Is she showing you attention? – no

Is she friendly with you? – no

Is she transparent with you? – no

The marriage as it stands is not worth saving. You need to show her your strength and determination. Do not accept the way she is treating you. You need to take control.

I think you need to see a lawyer and find out what rights you have with the child but even if you have none, how can you stay in a marriage with 3 people in it? You will lose all self respect and it will eventually destroy you. It is a horrible position to be in but it is not of your making.

State your position and ask for her phone. If she refuses then inform her you will be instigating divorce proceedings. If she agrees that the relationship is inappropriate and that she will end it then read Stevesn's post re remorse and reconciliation.

Stop prevaricating. Please get out of infidelity now!

How's is going today OneRoad?

Listen, it sounds like she's really good at twisting things around and beating you down. Avoid that by taking the focus off of the texting and this guy. Just tell her you're not interested in being with her anymore, and you need to work together to end things in the best way for her son.

It's clear she doesn't want your relationship to end, but she's also laughing with this guy behind your back. She thinks she can badger you into accepting whatever she wants. She doesn't respect you. She's not being good to you. The fastest way to turn that around imo is telling her this has gone on long enough that you've just stopped caring about her.

That will put her in a position of doing whatever she can to change that, including cutting this guy out of her life, changing her job and being transparent about when she goes out with friends.

FYI, from now until your heart is healed, mom needs to get a sitter whenever she's not at home. She needs to do all the parenting stuff for her child. She's using you. Put a stop to it.

How's it going OneRoad?

Your story is so much like mine!

I first got wise to my WH's affair because I saw the phone bill that showed him texting all day long with OW. I confronted...his answer was they were just texting about work or her personal problems..it's nothing to worry about!

Then by accident I was able to recover portions of deleted texts. He has an iPhone, and if you go to spotlight search and type in a word like "sexy", and scroll down, you can see the first line of texts that contain that word. If the text has been deleted you can't see the whole thing, but you can at least get a pretty good idea. It may not work on all iPhones but it works on some versions.

Anyway I found out they were sexting, and of course he says it was just sexting and nothing physical.

Then I found naked pictures of her hidden on his work computer. Again he minimizes...he just touched her a few times. Yeah right! It took 2 failed polygraphs for him to finally admit everything. It was a full blown physical affair. Most waywards just will not admit to anything more than what you have proof of. I really had to break my WH down and force him to come clean before we made any progress.

[This message edited by LizM at 8:24 PM, October 5th (Thursday)]

OneRoad, I am sorry that you find yourself here. It truly is a place none of us ever wanted to wander into, but you do have an awesome community around you here.

I am going to tell you a story with two divergent storylines. While either could be the case, in reading your posts here, I am certain that you already know the answer.

One of my business partners is a female. Between the two of us, we could have hundreds of texts in a week. Our typical text string goes something like this:

BP: could you send me the allocations on the NQ conservative growth?

Me: yep

Me: what is the invest Amt?

BP: 50k

Me: just emailed the allocations

Me: need anything else?

BP: that's it for now

-----------

A pretty succinct, all business exchange. Here is a second exchange among the three of us (me & both business partners)

Me: we still on for 7 tomorrow morning? Have to be in Denver by 0830.

BP1: yes

BP2: meet @ the office to ride together?

BP1: good plan. Who wants to drive?

Me: if you want comfort, I'll drive us; just have to take out kid seats

BP1: leave one in for BP2; she might need the booster 😄

BP2: thanks, BP1...😕

Me: don't worry, I'll just run over BP1 in the parking lot, then we shift one seat to the right 😂😂😂

BP1: you know I can read that, right...

BP2: 😄

-----------

Two series of messages between myself and my business partner(s). Every thing said was either distinctly business related or somewhat in jest with our senior partner.

However, when it came to the text messages my wife sent the OM, it was more like this:

OM: stopped by today to do some work, but no one was home

W: sorry. I had to go run an errand. 😢

OM: it's ok, I can go pick up a few things for another job

W: let me know how I can make it up to you 😉

------------

One of us was having an EA that would have probably turned physical in the next few days had it not been caught. The other one has a professional relationship with his business partner. Can you guess which is which?

[This message edited by CaptainRogers at 10:40 PM, October 5th (Thursday)]

OneRoad, you still with us, bro?

Sexting is cheating. Its a sexual act with another person. Its pretty clear that at the very least sexting has happened. How would she feel if the situation was reversed. She is not respecting your marriage.