SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Some BSs really get in to their job even spending more time at the job as an avenue of escaping mental toture, directing anger in a positive way and also to have a sense of accomplishment in the midst of chaos. Be like one of those BSs

Her remark in the lovelorn forum, "I feel like I'm cheating on him" while she's with you suggests she was miles-deep in fantasy land. Though tragic, it sounds like teen-angst.

Perhaps I missed it, but: Did she receive counseling after the lost pregnancies?

And, did she exhibit any escapist behavior between the end of the heavy drinking and the beginning of the affair?

MyName,

I'm glad you told the regional manager. I've never seen a case in a professional organization where that was a wrong move. You took great care of your clients and showed concern for your company.

From time to time the Mods bump a post about the guideline that members not bring information from a

person's thread into another person's thread. The effect of that guideline is that content from your W's posts should not make its way to your thread, and vice versa.

The problem is the affair is not really over. The PA was three years ago, she pinned for him for two years after that.

Today she still sees him as a good guy. He did not want to break up a family. He wanted to have a normal relationship. What a joke.

He used her then tossed her away. He put her married at risk. He didn't want her nor your kids.

You need to kill the affair and feeling for OM. Let his gf or whatever she is know the type of man he is. He will throw your WW under the bus. She will see him for what he is.

I don't want to seem insensitive, but I am curious. Has WW confirmed that she did not sleep with the OM after their breakup?

One thing that is gnawing at me. Glad you are getting her a poly.

Here is the question. How is it that OM is the lost love of her life? Has she spent the last 27 years pining and fantasizing?

AND you were her first? Seriously?

You might want to get to this now. You will want to know sooner or later. Important to know if your whole M has been based upon a lie.

Well... if it were me, I don't think I could get over this. Don't ask me how I came to that conclusion. I'm so sorry, but it definitely seems like a "Plan C" situation.

I was just thinking about this:

In regards to the OM breaking up with your WW. “He wanted to have a normal relationship”

Well so did you. You know, like a normal marriage where both spouses are faithful and don’t lie or cheat on eachother?

Does that mean you should leave your WW too in order to find a “normal relationship?”

She must have been in deep to feel like being with her husband was cheating.

How has her feelings really changed? Does she feel a stronger connection to you now because you stuck around? (even though you didn’t know)

The fact that she felt like she was cheating with you would be tough for me to come back from.

[This message edited by LetItBeMan09 at 4:13 PM, February 4th (Sunday)]

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[This message edited by MyNameIsNobody at 11:23 AM, February 15th (Thursday)]

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[This message edited by MyNameIsNobody at 11:25 AM, February 15th (Thursday)]

I wonder if ADHD medicine (instead of antidepressants) could help you focus.

As an aside, I tried antidepressants to keep my job early on, and for me they were disastrous.

But I never asked a doctor about short term ADHD medication. As ADHD meds have short half lives, you’d know in one day if they worked for you.

Maybe a different perspective - coming from a guy whose wife had a 3 year LTA and we are now, 6+ years later, fully reconciled. How does that happen?

A few things to consider that might be of help to you:

1. It takes a lot of time and a lot of pain. We all want it to go away quickly but the reality is that, 6 years later, I think about her affair every single day. So it will take a lot of patience and solid temperament if you want to make it work. Are you up for that? Is she? Only you can answer that question.

2. For many, the A is simply a deal-breaker. Some recognize this very early on, some go several years and then recognize that they just can't get past it. Or their wife doesn't have it in her to do the hard work. My suggestion would be to consider these possibilities NOW. Going through the motions for a few years only to be exactly where you are now is pointless. I know that you love her. But look objectively - is she someone who has the capacity for the kind of work you require?

3. How do you deal with the Plan A, B, C thing? Simple. You need to recognize the affair for what it is - an escape from a life that may have gotten a bit hum drum and the fantasy provided the excitement. Think about it - the very notion of how "in love" they are is total bullshit. Does your wife know that he's actually a pig? That he pays his bills late? That he gets all pissy if he doesn't get laid on Saturday night?

Of course not. She only saw him when he was at his best (and, certainly, when he knew he was going to get some, right? Shocking that he would be that nice to her THEN!). The same was true the other way around. He didn't get to see your wife when she was pushing out your kids, sick with the flu, or when she was a nasty SOB because she was on her period.

The point is, when you really stop and think about it, affairs are nothing more than fantasy. The "I love you's" and the "Let's run away together" are rooted in nothing more than bullshit. And if you don't believe me, have you ever wondered why so many of the "Let's run away togethers" quickly turn into, "Maybe we'll just keep things as they are." Why? Because the guy's getting laid (what he wants) and, in the end, your wife still has you and her family (which is really what she wants). The "Let's run away" together would take the shine off the bullshit they're spewing.

See the affair for what it is - a reflection of your wife's shitty coping skills. Nothing more, nothing less.

4. Does your wife have it in her to be TRULY remorseful? And by that I mean someone who doesn't just realize that she made a horrible choice and wants to "win you back." It's someone who recognizes that it's all on her - and ANYTHING that needs to be done she will do. THAT is a very hard role for people to take on. Most people who have affairs are not simultaneously doing research on how to heal their husband, or how to be a better person. So when the affair is suddenly discovered, most people SAY they're going to do "whatever it takes" but, in reality, they have NO IDEA just how much pain they've inflicted and how LONG it will take.

Lastly, it has taken us 6+ years to really get to a place where things are good. And I mean, REALLY good. There was a long time when I didn't think we'd make it. And there are a LOT of marriages that don't - far more than ones that just sit in this awful purgatory. Be prepared for a very long ride. You will think about this incessantly for a long time. Hang in there and get the help that you need.

Infidelity is a horrible pill to swallow. It's a lot to ask of a guy to reconcile - and just as much for his wife to overcome. It CAN be done but it's definitely not for the faint of heart.

Good luck. PM me if you need.

In them she talks about the fact that when she got together with her first love she realized there had been a hole in her heart for the past 30 years that only he could fill. Ouch. Also, she seemed to have made the decision to leave me for him, but he didn't want to be responsible for breaking up her family. So then, she was determined to stay with me but carry on the affair and it was him that broke off the affair when he met someone else and wanted

a "normal" relationship.

WS showed up unannounced wanting to sleep with him "one more time" to say farewell to that part of the relationship.

Read the above & read it again. It says all you need to know as to where you were & are on her pecking order. There is a snowball hell in chance that I would stay with someone who would disrespect me like that.

You can buy into the A fog, The A rush, the A stupor, the A adrenaline, the A fantasy, but to have sex with another man, the shit she wrote for two years after the A ended, the disrespect to her family & especially you her husband after 27 yrs like she did is vile & unforgiving. I ain't buying none of her shit. Only thing that matters is if you do.

Sending strength my man

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 2:49 PM, February 5th (Monday)]

notanotherchance

There is a snowball hell in chance that I would stay with someone who would disrespect me like that.

Subtle point, but disrespecting is a verb, meaning it is something you do to somebody. I don't think she disrespected you.

You were more like the character in a movie who doesn't have a last name, a supporting actor not central to the story. Her life story.

Did she desperately want to feel the lurrvvveee again? Who wouldn't. That stuff has hard to keep alive in a marriage. you became the comfortable shoes in the closet.

The "good news" is that the whole flat plain of boredom and familiarity just got blown all to hell now and forever. If you are going to try to work it out (and you owe her nothing in that regard), you'll have to ditch the past and take advantage of the fact that you didn't really know her and she didn't really know you, and see each others as fundamentally strangers to each other. Strangers who shared a bed and raised kids together. yes. But...strangers. Un-know each other and start from there.

Sending Strength!

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[This message edited by MyNameIsNobody at 11:24 AM, February 15th (Thursday)]

I sometimes (not always but sometimes) resent the normal talk because I feel like it doesn't acknowledge my pain. On the other hand, if we stopped talking about anything but the A (or stopped talking altogether) I know that would make me feel much worse.

MyNameIsNobody

Set aside a time and place every day to discuss the affair. Outside of that time don’t discuss the affair. Use that time to take care of normal day to day business.

I need to feel like she understands the hurt she has caused me. I want to believe that she is hurt by the hurt she is caused me. But how? She tells me repeatedly how very sorry she is for what she has done. She has consistently accepted full responsibility.

MyNameIsNobody

I understand how you feel. No matter how remorseful someone is it doesn’t stick until there are consequences. I can imagine a family functions years from now where everyone is having fun. You look over at her and realize that she would be in exactly the same place doing the same thing if she never cheated.

What would help me is to get a divorce and live with her. It’s like a sergeant messing up and losing a stripe. There is less reason to constantly discuss what they did. They paid a price and it’s over.

Think about it. You promoted her to wife. She couldn’t handle that level of trust so bust her to girlfriend. It’s like you have a top secret clearance and tell secrets. Why must she retain the benefits of being legally married? If you’re divorced and she cheats again you can just walk and she knows it.

The norm today is for unmarried people to live together. Some have kids and no one bats an eye. Those people are fine. Why can’t you do the same? Why must you remain married to live together? No one even needs to know that you’re divorced if you don’t want them to know.

If I may add, one of the best signs of remorse is the introspection the wayward have of themselves and they become very disgusted at themselves and will start to do things such as seeking help or behave in the manner to try and correct that rather than reflect on what they did to you as in focusing on just the damage to you as in to repair the marriage rather than themselves is a huge part in correcting what went wrong that allowed them to cheat.

More often than not waywards will beg, and go to incredible lengths to try and fix the marriage but this is an attempt of desperation to try to return to normal rather than trying to fix what started the problem to begin with. Real remorse is the ability to walk away from the marriage as well by taking the consequence for doing what they did but more so they should be interested in fixing themselves without the worry of time and the rush to return to normalcy.

So again the best signs of true remorse is when you see her go through real introspection to fix herself, don’t fall for desperation as that leads elsewhere and more closer to the effect of rug sleeping but in a more elaborate way.

As far as getting annoyed that your W, during the "normal time", doesn't acknowledge your pain, I'll just throw this out there...

Do not allow infidelity to take over every aspect of your life. Don't live, eat and breathe infidelity. Don't "pain shop". The normal things are absolutely necessary to staying sane, but you have to allow yourself to stay sane.

Embrace the normal when it's happening.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 11:27 AM, February 6th (Tuesday)]

The strange part of my experience, is that because I read about the affair in her own words on the website, she couldn't "spin" the facts talking to me now and she didn't try.

MyNameIsNobody

You may not think it but in a way you’re lucky. Betrayed spouses expend tremendous time and energy to find out what their WS was thinking and how they felt. Most never do. You had the whole thing dumped in your lap from the get go.

First don’t give your wife credit for not spinning when she couldn’t. Like every other WS she lied when she had a chance to get away with it.

She seemed to have made the decision to leave me for him, but he didn't want to be responsible for breaking up her family. So then, she was determined to stay with me but carry on the affair and it was him that broke off the affair when he met someone else and wanted a "normal" relationship.

MyNameIsNobody

Your wife’s affair isn’t special. The only thing special about it is that you’re playing with a full deck. The only thing that seems to be in question is your interpretation of: “She seemed to have made the decision to leave me for him.”

Let’s say that she talked about it but never really intended to leave you. If that’s true then she wanted a division of labor. You for boring husband stuff and the OM for excitement. She still wants you for boring husband stuff if the OM is available or not. It’s simple and logical.

Either I believe that she really wants to be with me now or I don't.

MyNameIsNobody

She obviously really wants to be with you now. The question is why.

She says she is no longer the person that wrote those things on the website and I want to believe that. She says that I am the one she really wants to be with and I want to believe that.

MyNameIsNobody

She could be telling the truth. People and circumstances do change.

From the TV show House:

Wilson’s wife cheated on him and they divorced. Now she wants him back.

Wilson: People change, House.

House: Sure. They get older, ovaries start drying up, and nice guys like you look attractive again.

Think of your wife as your best friend and business partner that you caught embezzling. She has skills which benefit the business but she embezzled. Look out for yourself. Is she worth keeping around or not?

[This message edited by Michigan at 1:53 PM, February 6th (Tuesday)]

I'm going to give you a slightly different take on whatever it was that your wife wrote on that forum you saw. Your wife cheated. She was a liar. I am sure in her mind she is having a hard time reconciling these awful things with the person that she thinks that she is especially when this was fresh. Perhaps now she has figured out she was wrong and is facing her shortcomings. I must admit I have not read her posts here to know what she is saying now but you seem to think she is showing remorse and you'd know better than anyone else.

It could be that at the time of the Affair and immediately after this drive to make herself feel better about what she was doing led her to romanticize the encounter with the other man and make it the great tragedy of her life. Her lost love. She may not want to have faced the reality which appears to me that she made several poor choices, believed that she had found someone special that was going to rescue her from her boring life and it turned out that all he wanted was some NSA sex. Once things became real for him he walked away from your wife and she was left facing the ugliness and tawdriness of what she had done. So her mind made up this fantasy romance and she bought into it. It made her feel better about herself.

At some point, and maybe that point was only just as you discovered all of this and she saw your pain, she faced the things she did and understood how horrible she had been. That's much better than many here who's WS never faces that.

Do you think any of this could be accurate? Does that help you at all?