SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Booyah

Yes early on in our marriage he was physically abusive to me a few times and I am certain he cheated at least once but could never prove it. After the birth of our son, he would sometimes go out on Friday and not return til Sunday saying he was drunk and crashed at a friends place. He regularly called me vile names and then apologised the next day saying he was stressed.

A few years ago following one of these episodes, he went to stay with his parents for 3 weeks and I met up with an old friend and his wife, I was invited to a BBQ at their home and ended up sleeping over in their spare bedroom with two other ladies. My husband went ballistic when he found out I had gone to this BBQ and that I had not gone home. he accused me of sleeping with this guy, which couldnt be further from the truth firstly because I would not have cheated and secondly they are a happily married couple. They were just being very kind to me when I was down.

Anyway my husband began following me in the car, had my name tattoo'd on himself, booked us a holiday away, couldnt do enough for me and was the same guy I'd met all those years ago. he was besotted with me again and I was so happy.

But it didnt last long before he reverted to his normal self, then when we would argue he would accuse me again of sleeping with that man, I think he knew I had not but he liked to throw it at me. he would tell me I was fat ugly, I stink, Im a bad mother, have awful teeth, a belly, a whore, a shit wife and to go kill myself among other things. Such a charmer!

then the next day it would be flowers and apologies, chocolates etc and 'you know I dont mean it, I just get angry/stressed'

He has rung the police on me during arguments to try and have me arrested, saying I have hit him or he was scared of me lol. Thankfully the police know him and could see right through what he was doing.

Despite all this and more, I remained with him, putting it down to the stress of losing his job and other excuses.

I probably should have left years ago, but I did love him and wanted it to work. I also knew/thought he loved me too.

That is why I say that OW has no idea what he is like yet. I know people can be different with other people, but they cannot change who they are completely.

Once the newness wears off, I assdume she will start to see glimpses of the real man behind all the romantic weekends away, flowers jewellery, perfume, meals out etc.

He is needy, very immature and very hard work to live with.

He is treating her EXACTLY how he treated me and his past girlfriends when the relationship starts and I mean exactly. The grand gestures, the spontaneous over the top romantic, knight in shining armour behaviour.

Right down to the cocktails for breakfast in a flash hotel.

It will start to wear off in a couple of months, the nights out will dwindle and it will be him snoring on the sofa. If son hasnt gone by then, it will be more frequent visits back up here to see son, start going out with his mates here again. She will start to see a very different side as it is history repeating iteself again.

He is also very jealous and if a man so much as talks to her in a bar, he will start fighting with his peacock feathers on display. It all becomes very embarrassing, especially if he gets arrested and or thrown out of the bar. More so if it is front of her friends, been there done that got the t shirt. He really is a man child, but I guess he is her problem now.

I was reading a fantastic post on here earlier that had been bumped. It lifted me enormously, the one about cheaters going for the weakest at the back of the herd, about being proud and strong and taking our place at the front of the herd. I have always said throught this ordeal, that if this woman could meet a man one or twice and immediately move him into her home with 2 young children, then she is as stupid and needy as him. So that post kind of rang true with me and I even managed a smile.

Thank you so much for your kind reply, I am taking baby steps in the right direction and this site has been my lifeline

"It didn't last long before he reverted to his normal self".

"He would tell me I was fat, ugly, I stink, I'm a bad mother, have awful teeth, a belly, a whore, a shit wife and to go kill myself".

"He has rung the police on me during arguments to try to have me arrested saying I have hit him or he was scared of me".

"He is needy, very immature and very hard work to live with".

"He is also very jealous".

"He is a man child".

So this has gone on for years. He is WHO HE IS and HE ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE.

To be blunt, you have two options, move on with your life and escape all of this BS or if you get back together with him at some point settle in and keep your mouth shut because you know what you just signed up for.

If you do get back together with him I think you really need to ask yourself why (and get into IC), because at that point this won't be about him and his issues it will be about YOU and why you're subjecting yourself to all of this mental abuse.

Choose wisely

So very true. Unfortunately here in the Uk IC is not readily accessible unless you are prepared to pay a fortune, money I dont have sadly.

12 month waiting list on NHS or pay private.

I am ashamed of myself for toleratng it for so long.

Thank you for replying

[This message edited by brokendreamer at 7:23 PM, April 25th (Wednesday)]

Hi BD

Been following your thread for a while. I’m very sorry for your pain. But I think also you are a very strong woman and doing incredibly well under the circumstances.

I was wondering if there was a way to do IC online via Skype or FaceTime. Not sure if that is less expensive and if you can even go global with it and find one dealing with infidelity that can help.

The reason I ask is because as I read your thread I felt a great uneasiness that you are right, this abusive man is going to eventually wear out his welcome with this POSOW and end up back on your doorstep expecting to resume your relationship.

And I gotta be honest, I don’t want you to let him back in. I want you to be strong. I want you to be happy enough with yourself and your life without him to tell him to go to hell. I want you to realize that relationships are not supposed to be like what you have experienced the last 20. years.

And I want you to realize that you are worth so much more than he ever wanted you to believe. And that there are so many people out there whose lives would be made better by just getting to know you. And that includes the man you’ll someday meet who will truly treat you as a partner and return in equal amounts the love and affection and respect you give to him.

Please begin the process to build your defenses against the day he walks back into your life. The best way to do that is with realizing you now have the opportunity to truly lead a happy life, and not one where you are persistently in a state of wondering what mood he’s going to be in and how he’s gonna treat you.

You can do this BD. Make a promise to yourself that it will happen. Life can be so much better without him.

Take care of yourself.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 9:17 PM, April 25th (Wednesday)]

BD there's no reason to be "ashamed".

I agree with Stevesn that your are a "strong woman".

You got this....

I know you are devastated that he has done this.

And I'm so very sorry for you.

But, when you think about it...he has done you a HUGE favor.

Just imagine if he had not shown you what an asshole he is...what if he had bought you the new ring and renewed your vows BEFORE he went off with the whore???

I'm glad you can see him for what he really is, and you will not waste any more time on him.

I wish for you a speedy recovery from your heartbreak.

Thank God you see him now for what he really is!!!

Stevesn, Booyah and whatsright, thank you all so very much, I took great strength from your kind words and support and am so grateful.

I was feeling somewhat low today and so came on here to read and seek comfort, your words were timely and the kick I needed

I was just typing to someone else on here when our son (who has been staying at paternal grandparents) rang me in tears asking to come home. I could hear screaming and shouting in the background and then realised it was ex fighting with his parents. Apparently he was being nasty to our son and grandma stepped in followed by grandpa, all hell was breaking loose. They were telling him he had anger management issues, that they were ashamed of him and that when it all goes wrong with OW not to go to them. This is the ex I know, not the one she is seeing. Son said 'mum he has lost the plot' grandma is crying and grandpa and him screaming at each other. Ex then heard son ask me again if he could come home and began saying that if he did he would ring social services as son not allowed to come home. What utter nonsense, he sure has a dysfunctional relationship with the truth and reality. So when he is back up here at least, he has reverted to form and the angry vicious bully is on show again. I assume that either everything is not rosy on OW front or he is mighty pissed at having to leave her to come back up here and see son for a couple of days.

I just told son to go hug grandma, stay in his room and ring me when it has calmed down. That I will go pick him up or grandma will drive him home. This is unfair on them as they are elederly and boy do they know what he is like too. Perhaps reality is starting to kick in with him, he thought he could just gallop off into the sunset with OW on his white steed. More like stuck in a swamp on a donkey with a monkey on his back, though that could just be my wishful thinking. Im still very much NC and seems son and his parents are heading the same way with him. Popcorn anyone?

It’s all just so predictable.

I’m hoping, as you saw me mention above, that you realize that having that type of abusive person OUT of your romantic and relationship life will ensure you will be much happier the rest of your days.

Please don’t let him back in. Find the resolve to know that you don’t need him any more.

I give a 80% chance that he comes crawling back. Keep the doggy door locked so he can’t crawl thru it.

Hi stevesn

firstly can I say a huge thank you to you for replying to my posts. I have read first hand on here what excellent advice and support you have given to other members and I am grateful to you for taking the time to help me too.

I have taken on board everything you have said to me and especially the part about relationships not supposed to be like mine was. I think it just went on so long and I was so down trodden that I wouldnt know what to do with real love and consideration if it smacked me upside the head.

Although I was and am onbiosuly devastated, in many ways I have surprised myself with the strength and restraint I have shown. There have been no urges to drive by, or contact him other than that one brief message, which hasnt and wont be repeated. I like to think that whatever is going on inside me, I am doing my utmost to handle it with dignity.

I am following the excellent advice which I have been given here. I am using the 180/NC, taking baby steps and have made an appointment for next week with a solicitor.

Like you, I also have a gut feeling that if it all goes wrong with OW, he will try to make contact with me. I have blocked his number just in case. Then I think he wont and it is just my wishful thinking so that I can get a much needed ego boost and restore a little of my shattered self esteem. I havent even bothered to look at his social media, I have gone into self preservation mode and that helps.

Son came round to see me an hour ago, to hug me, he seemed ok. I asked if he and grandparents are ok and he said yes I think he has gone back now (ie to OW) so all should be quiet for a few days at least. Son then read out a text message to me from his dad (to son not me) It said 'sorry for shouting at you, but our bond is broken after last weekend, so I will just go'

I asked son what happened last weekend and he said dad was shouting and screaming at him again, so son told him to F off and called him a fat waster. So it seems he has been back up here twice in past week and been fighting both times with son and his parents. Knowing him as well as I do, something is wrong as he does this when he is stressed. I styill strongly suspect that something is not quite so rosy with love's young dream right now, reality kicking in perhaps, or his money running out. Either way his behaviour clearly tells me that he is not a happy camper right now. But thats not my concern, I am focusing on putting one foot in front of the other and being there for my kids.

To hell with him and his OW, they are of no real concern to me right now. He has done his damage to me, so I guess the only way is up.

if he does rear his head, i will be straight on here for support and the wisdom of those who have trodden this path of pain before me.

again thank you from the bottom of my heart and to everyone else who is helping me at this difficult time. I am so glad I found SI, it is my lifeline.

Bravo BD,

You are sounding quite a bit stronger.

I know,

I'm married to a loud-mouth miserable old git too.......

But at least he was my sack of shit git!

Until I realised that he wasn't,

And then found out he never had been - devastated!!

Unfortunately here in the Uk IC is not readily accessible unless you are prepared to pay a fortune, money I dont have sadly.

12 month waiting list on NHS or pay private.

Look up mind.org on the internet, you can put your postcode in to find the contact details of your nearest branch.

Give them a ring sweetheart.

Tell them your situation.

The betrayal, abandonment, the domestic abuse, the help you need in supporting your sons.

Tell them about your low night last week, with the tears and the pills.

Explain to them that you desperately need help, support, advice.

They can put you in touch with a counsellor (I.C, CBT, DBT etc). They are a charity - they will only charge you what you can afford (or will ask you for a donation).

They can put you in touch with so many local support groups, have lots of resources for help available in your area, information on local Domestic Abuse charities that have access to free or low cost legal advice.

Don't forget Relate and the Citizens Advice bureau.

They have help available for you.

Also look into the charity Gingerbread - supporting single parent families.

You aren't on your own SI-friend.

We're walking with you, and all are in this situation together.

Sending you and your boys strength and hugs,

MOB xxx

MOB, can I hug you tight? thank you

I contacted MIND after your post, they are amazing, they 'get it' with my ptsd and depression.

I cant thank you enough, hugs x

I just LUUUVVVE it when I'm RIGHT in all kinds of positive ways!!!

This is the kind of stuff...this right here...THIS is what makes this place so great.

So this is ME sticking my "told ya so!" tongue out at you, BD!

This is what I was aiming for when I pushed for you to post on here more!

But of course, if it's just a bunch of "bums" you're after...well then I think I heard of another network somewhere over the rainbow...

Lol Ceph, those 'bums' need kicking, as for hitting the 'nail on the head' as they like to claim, most couldnt hit a cows ass with a tennis racket I fear!

You have been my rock and I have come to think of SI as not just my lifeline, but my family.

I am eternally grateful to each and everyone who has and is dragging me (often screaming and kicking in the early days) back to my feet.

I have always loved this poem and it helps me enormously. Thought I would post as a reminder to all of us in pain.

Footprints in the sand

One night I dreamed a dream.

As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.

Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.

For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,

One belonging to me and one to my Lord.

After the last scene of my life flashed before me,

I looked back at the footprints in the sand.

I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,

especially at the very lowest and saddest times,

there was only one set of footprints.

This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.

"Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,

You'd walk with me all the way.

But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,

there was only one set of footprints.

I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me."

He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you

Never, ever, during your trials and testings.

When you saw only one set of footprints,

It was then that I carried you."

Steven, I have nailed and super glued the dog flap

Ceph, did your parents never tell you that if the wind changes, your tongue will stick like that?

Thank you, I managed a rare smile and caught myself doing it

Please help me, having a really bad night, The mind movies in overdrive, the pain so bad im struggling. My chest feels like its going to explode, keep vomtting, crying and having dark thoughts.

Im so weak and broken right now, please help me get throught this.

I dont know if anyone else has experiences this but i cant stop the involuntary moaning with every exhale, the tears are coursing down and sobbing like nothing ive ever known. Ive never known pain like this it is indescribable unless youve been there as I know most of you have.

When does it stop? this is torture and im following all the rules.

I'm not blaming OW but I cannot get my head around how anyone can be a part of causing another person so much pain for their own satisfaction. I know I could never do it.

When I was a kid, I used to walk around the swimming pool with a paper cup, picking out drowning flies and wasps, I hated suffering even then.

There is not a cat in hells chance that I would ever knowingly inflict hurt on anyone else, yet some people do it without a care in the world.

I am far to soft and emotional, I am my own worst enemy.

I feel so bitter and resentful not feelings I ever wanted to experience, Im angry, hurt and feel like the last 20 years meant nothing. I feel discarded like a piece of shit. My self esteem, my self worth, my will to live, all gone in an instant.

I'm trying to soldier on NC, 180 doing everything I am advised to do and no matter how bad the pain gets im sticking to it.

But God this hurts, I just want it to stop, even 24 hours of respite so i can eat and sleep.

It isnt just about them anymore, it is about me, I feel totally worthless, i feel every possible negative feeling about myself.

My son said to me tonight 'mum what he has done is the worst possible form of cruelty, you didnt deserve this'

Last xmas I was making him all his favourite food, lobster, cheese, wine a proper xmas dinner, I bought him so many nice things, not money but thoughtful things. he bought me lovely things too.

7 weeks ago he lay in bed with me stroking my head, snuggling me as i slept. Even when he was asleep he was subconsciously stroking my head.

Now he is gone and i'll never see him again, he has moved so far away.

Ive spent 20 years with this man, how do I stop missing him, hurting, grieving, crying?

I am struggling every day and people say it takes over 2 years to recover, that seems an insurmountable amount of time right now.

he is the only man ive loved and been with in over 20 years, I feel so lost and scared.

I am left here a wreck whilst he is having a great life. he hasnt given me a penny since he left for me or our son, so i contacted a lawyer.

Right now all he cares about is her, he is obsessed with her, she is his be all and end all.

I am not a vengeful person at all, but this seems to be way too one sided and unfair. I keep trying to trust in karma and justice, but it isnt happening yet.

I am so sorry for ranting, ive been stronger lately, but tonight i got triggered watching a movie and it all became too much.

Thank you for reading and for any replies.

Weekends are particularly quiet on SI, I'm afraid. I know Mich of how you feel because I've been there myself and not even that long ago.

For me and for others I think it's very much like a passing thunderstorm or tornado. It comes without warning and raises all manner of hell and chaos within the heart and mind and body.

Believe it or not, this is quite NORMAL. It is VERY common from what I've read on here, and I've been thru more of these shit-storms than I care to count right now.

I don't know if you've ever been at sea, but I like to think of it as a VERY temporary but REAL struggle to stay afloat and not capsize or allow yourself to be drowned by it all.

Hang in there Brokendreamer. Sorry to hear you were triggered. Your emotions are normal and you can ride this wave out. Your posts have been much stronger of late and you are progressing. None of this is easy. Make sure to take advantage of the resources you have been advised of to help you cope. Remember you are the prize and things will get better. His life is not great by all accounts. Besides he is not your problem any longer. You are moving forward! My best to you.

Thank you, made myself watch a comedy movie and feeling a bit better. Thanks to the lovely people of SI and words of advice from dear Ceph on what to expect, I kept telling myself it is a bad moment that will pass.

It has knocked me, but im determined to get some sleep and keep moving forward.

Thank you fareast, youre always there with a kind supportive word and Ceph, get that tongue in or i'll put salt on it.

Goodnight and sincere thanks, onward and upward

Sweetheart, Google "soulmate schmoopies." Watch the videos.

Guaranteed to make you laugh.

Even moreso, because they're very accurate in portraying the ridiculousness of a "relationship" that began as an affair.

"I've spent twenty years with this man, how do I stop missing him, hurting, grieving, crying"?

Instead of focusing on the good times, make a list of all the bad horrible things he's done to you (and your kids), and when you find yourself feeling this way (and thinking about him) pull the list out and read it. After each horrible thing say to yourself I DESERVE BETTER!!!

As for grieving it's part of the process. The part that you need to get to is the ANGER stage.

Fuck this piece of shit for treating you so horribly over the years and get mad that you allowed it to happen (and stayed with him).

Use the anger to take action to get you to a better place and more importantly AWAY FROM HIM FOR GOOD.