I have stuff going back for the last 4 months and she had an affair before this one with her BFF's brother to kinda ease her into it. All the while the BFF is cheering her on. WW is sooooo f##k'd
My friend, you have the mother lode. Never mind the trip or a PI, then. You won’t need it. Just make redundant copies of what you have and file now, citing infidelity and alienation of affection. While she is on this trip. Priority one. Start with the lawyer immediately.
Priority Two. New bank account she can’t touch. Transfer 1/2 of your existIng $ to it. Change direct deposit to it via work. Take her off as a dependent on insurance, Include your will, your retirement, any medical benefits you share. The downside is if SHE provides benefits, you need to find replacements fast. PROTECT YOUR RETIREMENT.
Priority Two, put her stuff in the garage. Ask the owner to remove her from the lease, if she’s on it. Ask him/her if you can change the locks and explain why. Likely he/she will sympathize. She doesn’t own the home, so her right of entry is governed by the lease and owners discretion. She has every right to her belongings. Make that part easy for her (garage). She will get angry. Tell her the one year separation mandated by NC began when she drove off to fuck the man she was committing adultery with. You are obeying the law and expect her to. There’s no reason to be unpleasant or vindictive now.
At this point, custody is probably going to be dicey, given that her daughter hates her. Suggest you take them for now until a spousal support and custody agreement is worked out. Act as if people will be reasonable after a “cool down” period. Don’t tell her you plan on requesting Full custody, spousal support and child support from her. In fact, tell her nothing. I know you might want to gloat a bit... don’t. Now, more than ever, stick to the 180. If she wants to know why this is happening, say you are taking positive steps to get out of infidelity and to be free of a partner with such blatant disrespect for her marriage. You don’t hate her and want her to be happy, so from this moment forward, she’s free to go do what she wants with whomever she wants. In 365 days she will not be your problem any more.
She might try to love bomb you to get you back in line. Do NOT have sex with her.
Priority three: Be sure to write down everything you know, or just suspect, in timeline fashion— inserting relevant texts and photos at the appropriate points. Do it while it’s fresh. This will be the basis of your alienation of affection lawsuit later. It’s a pity you can’t name her BFF piece of human garbage as party to the suit, as she collaborated with your STBXW to make it all happen. If you have social media, change your status from married to separated. A short notice mentioning you are separating after so many years of marriage might be appropriate. Just don’t slag her in public. If people ask, be honest. Don’t lie for her, don’t make up a wish washy narrative that takes her off the hook, either. This was, and is, the consequence of her decision to commit adultery. Stupid games, stupid prizes. Block her and all her friends on any social media. You can’t go No Contact for a year, but you might want to neck it down to emails or through your lawyers. She’s going to blow your phone up. You might need a new number. Oh take her off that plan and change the WiFi passwords. Cancel anything she pays for.
I have to say, HB, you’ve turned this thing around. You seemed kind of passive at first but you have the heart of a tiger, now. Be there for your kids, explain frankly why this is happening and explain that life is going to have t change based on mom’s decisions. You must be careful not to feed her feeling that her kids have turned on her because of you. Work on the hatred they have and get some therapy going in that house.
Sending prayers of strength.
[This message edited by KingofNothing at 9:12 AM, January 18th (Saturday)]