SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dranth,

In this day and age where there are sexually transmitted deceases that can kill you it is especially important to protect yourself.

In the case of a WS who does not care enough to protect themselves is one thing but, in their selfishness and carelessness, to put their BS in jeopardy is on another level.

I am not crazy enough to play Russian roulette and I do not ever want someone else to include me in their game.

Dranth in the early days I used to drive myself crazy just like you wanting to make a decision. I wanted to know then. On the spot. When you’re left with two shitty decisions you want to know which one is less shitty so you can choose that one. You feel trapped. Honestly, it is crazy making.

And then, one day in IC whole I was going around in circles just like you, my IC said “not making a decision yet is making a decision”. Those words helped me beyond belief. I decided then and there to make the decision of not making a decision yet. To focus on my healing. To let time go by and see what happens. It’s not to say I didn’t revisit. But in time the decision became less important, things became clearer.

Allow yourself to make the decision of not making a decision yet.

All of your feelings are normal dranth. Feelings of shame and being on the fence; it's all normal' we've all been there. The best thing you can do right now is the thing that makes you feel most in control. If that means she moves out for a time, then do that. If it means you continue like you are then do that. Do whatever gives you some mental and physical control over your situation. In the mean time, while working that out, don't neglect the most important legal thing you can do. That is to get the post-nuptial agreement filled out, agreed to, signed, notarized, and filed with your marriage license. This is one thing that you don't want to neglect because it does several things for you. It gives you clarity as to what divorce would look like (you know your options), it gives you some control of your future, it removes any future negotiations if you determine you can't live with a cheater, and it lets your wayward wife know that you mean business and you'll not stand for any future dissing of the marriage.

Realize that your marriage contract with your wife was broken by your wife's selfish choices. It is now null and void. The only thing that holds you two together now is a piece of paper. You'll need to decide at some point if you want to start a new marriage with your current wife or if you want to dissolve the remaining legal paperwork. Taking some time to evaluate your past and current life is helpful in deciding what you want your life to look like in 5 years. Will your current wife and the baggage she's now dumped on you help or hinder you getting there? Is she someone you'll be proud to have on your arm? Will you be able to trust that she'll be faithful? Morals are learned at a young age.

You have time to evaluate these things over the next months if you choose to. But always remember to choose what's best for you and your future. You are the prize. You are worth a good, happy, prosperous, and healthy life. Make choices that bring those things into reality. Take care of yourself. I wish the best for you.

Stay or go? It changes by the hour/minute and doesn’t seem like it will ever stop flipping all over the place.

Marz is right. You are in that stage where it feels like you are watching a tennis match from courtside seats right at the net. This is your head and heart duking it out and getting their facts aligned. It takes time for your brain to re-write some of the memories, then firing those synapsis multiple times until the new memory becomes the default. Eventually, this will all settle down and you can see a lot more clearly. Each person requires a different amount of time to accomplish this, but just hang in there. You’ll be at your “new normal” soon.

Bump

Dranth, how are you? Is your path forward a bit more clear?

Why do we all think we are special? Different somehow? We aren’t. Truth is we all generally feel the same things, have similar reactions, experience the same pain. Yet it seems all of us think we are the ones that will make it through quicker. That we somehow have it figured out.

I believed what people told me but I don’t think I entirely understood. I’m starting to. It’s like I was in line for the roller coaster, could see what part of it looked like, had been told what to expect but until I was truly on the way down that first hill, I didn’t really understand how crazy this ride was going to be.

This is my four month check in and things are worse now then they were the first month. I hurt more now; I feel the betrayal more now. I would say what I felt before was a good mix of pain and numbness, of late, when it hits, it is agony.

I don’t know how any of you that made it through to the other side managed to do it. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing there is another side. Sooner or later, if I keep my head down and just keep putting one foot in front of the other, I will get there. At least that is what I tell myself to keep going. Don’t get me wrong, I REFUSE to give up or let this beat me but damn it hurts.

I am still going to an IC which I don’t feel has been all that helpful. At least not yet. There have been a few moments that have stuck with me but I don’t feel like I have and/or am putting in the energy to get as much out of it as I could/should.

One bright spot, if you can call it that, recently I have started to actually understand what people mean when they say be patient with/take it easy on yourself. This is such a ridiculously shitty thing to have to deal with and sorting out the loads of crap that get thrown your way makes it impossible to process more than a thing at a time. Giving yourself permission to not know, to feel how you feel, helps.

I started to work on myself physically and was doing well. Was feeling healthier than I have in a long time, more energy and better emotionally (not good, just seemed a bit easier to focus) and then fell apart completely. I basically over did it and ended up causing issues that set myself back. Soon as I did that, I started to get depressed and put the weight back on as well as falling back into some of my old bad habits. Now I feel like crap again and it is in no way shape or form helping me deal with this.

I fully plan on recovering and getting back to work but meanwhile it is a struggle to not just feel more and more depressed about the whole thing.

One possible bright spot, she is changing. She has such a long way to go and still seems blind in certain areas but the person I see now is more real than the one I knew even before she started her A. Seeing what could have been is really bringing me down. Knowing that I keep focusing on the past instead of looking to the future is bringing me down. Mostly, just seeing her and knowing what she did makes me hurt.

It is especially frustrating in some of the things she doesn’t do. While she is more open now then she has even been, I still don’t feel like she is pursuing all the avenues available for help. I know why she isn’t and it comes down to her fears which is something she needs to overcome but she is definitely staring a shame spiral square in the face and about to fall over the edge and needs help. I hear her sometimes late at night when she thinks I am asleep in the other room crying and berating herself. I see the self-loathing, shame and hate. It is certainly better that she hates what she did but there is a point where it becomes an anchor not to mention, where the hell was all this before it went down?

I spent a long time the other day really trying to piece together what it would take to make me happy and again, people weren’t kidding. I need to work on myself. She isn’t going to be the answer, she can’t make me happy. She can’t “fix” what she did. I need to do what I want, make myself feel good. Do things I enjoy, get back in shape, visit friends and just stop caring about what she is doing. She will get there or she won’t. She will show me that R is at least an option or she won’t and one day I will know if I even want to try R or not. There really doesn’t seem like any point to worry about it in the meantime. It’s hard not to but I need to stop.

I hope she becomes a better person as I don’t hold any real desire for her to suffer, I don’t want revenge. She just may not be the person for me anymore. Time will tell I guess, meanwhile, I have to get back to me.

Edit: Fixed some typos

[This message edited by Dranth at 6:38 AM, May 8th (Friday)]

I'm sorry you are still struggling so much.

I would suggest you consider changing your IC. It this one is not helping you, maybe someone else can.

This must be an especially difficult time to be where you are.

You mentioned a lot of things bringing you down, but what are you enjoying? What things make you happy, even for a few moments? Is there anything coming up that you are looking forward to?

This is only one very small piece of the puzzle, and so much work needs to be done by both of you in order to figure out what path you are on as a couple, but do you take time out from the pain of discussing and thinking about the affair (even if you have to force it right now) to do things, activities together? Hard to do in this new world, I know.

Again, not saying it’s going to save your M. But it’s the small things, like taking a long bike ride. Playing tennis. Interacting in a way that you have the activity to discuss for a short time, in place of the pain, that are the very early building blocks of creating a new relationship.

Please don’t think that I’m saying it’s a cure all or that I’m advocating rug sweeping. But if you are going to even give rebuilding a chance, you have to do just that, live some life together in this new reality.

Take care.

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:23 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

Walking if you can do that is great low stress exercise.

I'm going to give you a little pep talk here. Everyone hurts themselves when they start working out if they are serious. You are straining and pushing your body. You aren't a young kid, so your body can't take it like some other people's.

What it means is you are a BEAST! You did good. You know where and how you plateaued last time. Now, get back to where you were, but this time guard and work on what ever you hurt.

Being physically fit always helps with a lot of the pain and shame after an affair. Especially for men because it lets us get our anger at our WW out.

Watch out, the unfairness drop is coming. That is the real shit of a drop. I would recommend you splurge yourself before you hit that one.

Many people here would rather be in your position, believe it or not. No kids, in early 40s. Move on. You can do it without any children tying you to her.

I am still going to an IC which I don’t feel has been all that helpful.

Switch. Not all of them are good or helpful.

It’s your money.

Do you think that if you're WW had not contracted a STD that the A would have continued? She had no choice to tell you cause she knew she gave it to you & it required medication. What if it would have been AID's or Herpes, STDS that are with you for life.

I don't buy into her remorse. I believe that after finding out that her prince & his golden pecker were not exclusive to her golden triangle she decided to come clean & hoped that the good guy, that being you would settle on being there for her. Now she tells you everything you want to hear. You do not owe her anything period. Walkaway with self respect, seriously my man your WW was banging another dude or dudes for the past three years at a minimum using no protection & then coming home, giving you sloppy seconds & an STD as a gift. Your WW is not marriage material.

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 3:40 PM, May 9th (Saturday)]

We only go around this life one time and it goes by very quickly. She has already stolen 3 years from you and now you will have a lifetime of these intrusive thoughts if you stay with her. They will never go away, wether you are 50, 60, 70 or on your deathbed. It never ceases to amaze me that waywards never once think about the carnage their actions will cause. Your wife had every opportunity to stop any time in the past three years. I would tell her to stop using the words “ I love you” forever, because what she did for the past three years is the opposite of love. Good luck and I’m sorry you are dealing with this, you deserve better.

D,

It’s interesting the waves of emotions you have once the numbness wears off. If your choice is to stay and R, I can tell you that you can get to the other side. But she has to be as committed, as you are forgiving. It takes time and a lot of hard work with many setbacks. Then one day you feel lighter and maybe even happy. It can be done if you both want the same thing. If she’s not all in then there’s your answer. Don’t wait for her to control your destiny if she’s not 1000% committed and demand that her actions match her intentions.

It's okay if you can't make a final decision yet. At least you have the post-nup going forward, that was a good move. As far as the getting in shape, like someone else mentioned, that is a life-long up and down process. It doesn't have to be all or nothing, just more choices that get you where you want to be, working around any injury.

Just so you know--- 40's is young. It is all perspective.

Tigersrule77:

You mentioned a lot of things bringing you down, but what are you enjoying? What things make you happy, even for a few moments? Is there anything coming up that you are looking forward to?

Not much these days. I can get lost in a game, a podcast or a book for a while but it all comes creeping back in and even then, it is more keeping the feelings at bay and not a real moment of happiness. I also don’t have much planned going forward as the mess out there makes anything concrete problematic, at least in the short term. I do have a 5k and 10k I am signing up for and looking forward to that require travel but those are early next year. A goal to work for but no immediate relief.

Stevesn:

do you take time out from the pain of discussing and thinking about the affair (even if you have to force it right now) to do things, activities together?

I try to do this but it has been harder and harder of late. I want to be around her less overall but when I do it is such a powerful emotion. I’ve truly loved this person for over 20 years and when those feelings break through it is rough.

Bor9455:

in situations like this, it makes life at a standstill and you start to kind of feel stuck. We can't explore new avenues of trust building, we really can't do things we normally do.

I feel this pretty acutely right now. I just feel like I am existing and not going anywhere. At least when I had the exercise, I felt like I was working on me, that I was making progress. Now, nothing.

DoinBettr:

Watch out, the unfairness drop is coming. That is the real shit of a drop.

If it is anything like how mad I get now when I think about what this has done to me and my life without me having a say in it then it is going to be a mess.

Mene:

Many people here would rather be in your position, believe it or not. No kids, in early 40s. Move on. You can do it without any children tying you to her.

It is the direction I am leaning most days and I wish it were that simple but I wasn’t joking when I said for better or for worse and I still love her despite what she has done. What I will not do is put up with anymore shit. Ever. She either gets herself fixed or I am done. I may still be done even then but I am not going to rush it.

Marz:

Switch. Not all of them are good or helpful.

Agreed but I don’t live in an area bursting at the seams with good therapists. Most people where I am believe you are weak to even see one so not a lot setup shop around here. He does have experience working with people dealing with infidelity which is why I picked him as he was the only one I could make it to that did. I am keeping an eye out and continue to look however.

Notanotherchance:

Do you think that if you're WW had not contracted a STD that the A would have continued?

Yes, it would have continued. My understanding of how this works for most people is it is like a drug addiction. With that in mind I doubt much of anything would have stopped it until it all came collapsing down some other way.

Jman:

It never ceases to amaze me that waywards never once think about the carnage their actions will cause. Your wife had every opportunity to stop any time in the past three years. I would tell her to stop using the words “ I love you” forever, because what she did for the past three years is the opposite of love. Good luck and I’m sorry you are dealing with this, you deserve better.

It is amazing. Not just the damage and pain, which is beyond anything I could have imagined, but the amount of delusion, history rewrites, lies, justifications… all of it. The version of reality she created to be able to do this is so different than what was truly there that it is mind blowing. Honestly, I hope I never understand because I don’t want to know what it is like to live a self-created lie.

HopefulJourney:

If she’s not all in then there’s your answer. Don’t wait for her to control your destiny if she’s not 1000% committed and demand that her actions match her intentions.

She has been so far. My big thing right now really breaks down to three main thoughts. One, do I even want to stay no matter what she does? Two, how long will the work I am seeing her put in last? If the answer isn’t forever then I need to leave. Finally, is what I am seeing true or her doing what she thinks I want to see? Only time will tell.

Anna123:

Just so you know--- 40's is young. It is all perspective.

I know, at least intellectually I know, but where I get caught up is thinking about how long it went on (closer to 4 years) and how long it is going to take me to fully recover with or without her (3 years given what I have read). If I live to 70 (given my health issues that would be a high end) then this will have taken up at least 1/10th of my total time on this planet. That is a hard thought for me to swallow.

Thanks everyone who continues to respond and offer support, advice and their experiences. It really makes a difference.

Edit: Typos

[This message edited by Dranth at 9:36 AM, May 11th (Monday)]

Dranth, I understand your thoughts on your age and your future. I'm not trying to be mean, but you are focusing on the negative and what you have lost. I am 42 so I can relate. I look forward to finding someone who deserves my love (and I think I found her). It may only be 20 years we have together, maybe more maybe less. But I believe I will truly enjoy that time together, and that is what I keep in mind, not the time I lost.

I think I healed faster because I chose to D, although I wasted over a year on false R, which led to more A's by XWW, which is why I chose D. Once I made that decision, I think I was ready to move on within a year. It is different for everyone. You won't know until you try.