Well that's what I want to do but everyone seems to think being in this scenario is so incredibly destructive and not helpful.
I think it is because no one believes you are at indifference yet and it is difficult to get there without separation. It is like a person trying to lose weight by locking him/herself in a donut shop. It is not impossible because you could starve yourself and stare at the donuts, but doing so is surely setting up a situation that lends itself to failure.
The only thing I have to work with is making this more business like than relationship like. No affection, no sex.
Yes, that is non-negotiable. Roommates don't have physical relations. He is your roommate. If you cannot commit to doing that, you are not indifferent and your plan is doomed because he will emotionally manipulate you.
I really dont have any bargaining chip or power over him at all. He has the ability to say fine no sex I'm gone. Or no sex I'll go elsewhere.
All I can do is set my boundaries and focus on my healing.
That the problem. He has all the bargaining power. He can throw in the towel unilaterally and end your dream. He knows you are beholden to him. You have to accept that he will likely seek out women. The reality is what can you do? Threaten divorce? He knows you don't want that. Other than him having a heart and respect, what is stopping him from doing that? Don't make the mistake thinking he thinks like you. He doesn't.
I have no idea what hes even thinking since he doesnt share anything with me so how would I think like him?
You find any power you have other him and exploit it. You only do something if it benefits you or your dream. You do not do anything without having a material benefit to you. You need to lose yourself and your morals.
Anything short of that and you will not be successful playing this game. You will forever be a feather tossed about in the wind.
"I described a patient who complained that her husband was habitually late for dinner. Dinner was ready at 6:30, but he often came in as late as 8:30 without calling to let her know that he would be late. She asked me, "Is that right?" in a tone that implied that she was the victim of wrongdoing. I tried to explain to her that the key question wasn't whether it was right or not, although one would tend to agree with her in principle. What she said may have been correct, but in any case, it was irrelevant. I wanted her to see that she was viewing the situation as a passive victim, which was neither productive nor adaptive.
Many people think they are entitled to good treatment. The truth is that they are neither entitled nor not entitled to it. The significant issues are what is going on and how do they feel about it. This woman would have been better off actively facing the facts of the situation and acknowledging her emotional reactions rather than personally judging it and feeling victimized by it.
If you are being robbed, you don't sit around thinking, "This shouldn't be happening to me. It isn't right." Instead, you react. You may defend yourself, call the police or try to run away. Constructive action is the opposite of victimized brooding.
The woman whose husband was late for dinner had every right to feel angry and to consider practical action if she wished, but to try to justify feeling victimized was maladaptive and ultimately meaningless.
Maintaining a child victim role leads to chronic passivity. Victimized feelings are very often appropriate to the child's situation. Children are without power, are helpless and are at the mercy of their parents. Later as an adult, things happen that are sometimes beyond your control and understanding. However, the adult who is still playing the child victim role responds like the deer that sees a mountain lion approaching and instead of fleeing the danger becomes paralyzed. This person just keeps noticing over and over that the situation is unreasonable, unfair or threatening but doesn't make the appropriate adaptive responses. In the case of the woman mentioned above, the tip off to the fact that she really preferred the child victim role was that she never made any substantial attempt to change her circumstances. Like so many of us, she would rather feel justified in complaining endlessly about her unfortunate circumstances while passively registering her dissatisfaction than actively changing her situation.
In facing one's feelings, it is important to note that feelings do not require any justification. They are automatic responses to favorable and unfavorable events, and people's feelings cannot be judged as right or wrong. Clean anger is merely proportional to the frustration experience regardless of any rational considerations. It is more advantageous to experience feelings than to deny them or cut them off. However, actions, unlike feelings, have consequences and must be considered in relation to both moral issues and rational reality concerns. Therefore "acting out" emotions, particularly angry emotions, must remain under a person's control. For example, a feeling of murderous rage can be considered innocent, but to make sarcastic remarks has consequences.
"Victims" deal in judgments and "shoulds" in interactions with others. They operate on the basic assumption that the world should be fair: "I should have been loved by my parents." "My children should call me or write to me." "After all that I've done for her, the least she could do ..." This type of preoccupation with "rights" and "shoulds" is irrelevant to the real problems that we are all faced with; it leads to inward brooding, righteous indignation and vengeful feelings. Worse yet, angry, victimized feelings are bottled up inside, contributing to depression and psychosomatic disorders.
In conclusion, playing the victim is maladaptive. Even though passive manipulations may occasionally work, taking this powerless position hurts the perpetrator and is never in one's best interests. In the long run, it does more harm than good. People can control their destructive urge to play the victim by acknowledging that their personal world and the external world contain many inequities and social injustices that are discriminatory and unfair to individuals or groups of people, yet they can take power over their lives. Despite these negative circumstances, there are active remedial solutions available to make an effective adaptation."
I'm not saying this to be harsh, I'm only trying to help you with your goal of keeping your dream despite losing your husband. It is very critical to adapt to the new normal. Anything short of that won't be successful. It is not about "right" or "wrong" anymore, it is about "is" and "isn't". What he should do is immaterial. What is relevant is what he actually is doing.
You really need to make sure this is what you want and stay the course. Or else he will continue to hurt you and the cycle will repeat.
[This message edited by KingRat at 4:24 PM, September 30th (Wednesday)]
