SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Earlier quote from me:

I often feel a little sting when "uneducated" is listed in the AP's bad traits. I didn't go to college, bad choice on my part but it doesn't put me beneath a person that has graduated from college.

Quote from the latest reply to this thread:

Not to mention, she was uneducated, idiotic, and had no idea how to execute proper grammar.

I think I just have to grow a thicker skin.

t/j...

"Not to mention, she was uneducated, idiotic, and had no idea how to execute proper grammar."

That's ok, hitbyatruck. I have a graduate degree and that's exactly what I do. Execute proper grammar...at point blank range. Can't spell worth shit either. In any language.

end t/j

(((hitbyatruck)))

This actuality moved something in me. I don't know if it helped the situation I'm in right now or mad it any better, but it did affect me in terms of the look of the OW. I asked my WH what she looked like, he told me she was average, but I did base it on looks as well. And communication, but that's a separate issue. I guess I was always taught by my mother that if a man cheats, he should do it with a person that is your level -- intellectual, looks, education, etc -- or higher. And, in a previous relationship, my ex actually cheated with a person who was just that and they are happily married. That message was reinforced with that previous relationship that ended. My ex "cheated up" and it worked out for him; she was what he needed and wanted and I wasn't. Good for them, at least that ex listened to me when I told him to make it last. This time, I don't get to know what the OW looked like, just what my WH has to say about her so I don't know if he's lying to spare me or if that's the truth. It may not be about looks -- and your statement has struck a chord with me -- but that message has always been reinforced: family-wise, society-wise through magazines, movies, books and entertainment in general. It's a release, but also very painful. It's justification to help you believe that you are better, but it's also heartbreaking because it makes you still feel like crap.

It's complicated, but I guess everyone here knows that already.

I guess I was always taught by my mother that if a man cheats, he should do it with a person that is your level -- intellectual, looks, education, etc -- or higher.

I'm sorry, but this really stood out to me.

I don't see the logic in that. Actually, that's a horrible thing to tell anyone.Sorry.

What about if a woman cheats?

[This message edited by carey at 4:43 PM, November 19th (Monday)]

I'm sorry, but this really stood out to me.

I don't see the logic in that. Actually, that's a horrible thing to tell anyone.Sorry.

What about if a woman cheats?

I know. It was a hard to believe statement that my mother made, but it's a sort of ingrained response (that maybe an excuse) that has always been reiterated.

It's the same difference. My mother told this to my brother as well when his girlfriend of 5 years cheated on him. She didn't say it in a sense of, "Well, at least she cheated up." She said it it a sense of, "How could she do this to my son? If she was going to cheat, why didn't she do better?"

I think it is my mother's misguided attempts to make us feel better. She did the same when my Dad cheated on her: "Why did he have to cheat with THAT?" type deal.

I'm not saying it makes the situation any better or worse; I'm just saying that that is what I was told and that the original poster's post struck a chord with me that it shouldn't be about looks at all.

I guess I was always taught by my mother that if a man cheats, he should do it with a person that is your level -- intellectual, looks, education, etc -- or higher.

This is what I was taught by my mother. A mother who had issues. Please, please realise this is not true. There are days when I get so angry because I think deep down that I deserve this. I feel inferior to the AP. I know really this isn't true, but a whole life of FOO issues can really mess you up.

This is what I was taught by my mother. A mother who had issues. Please, please realise this is not true. There are days when I get so angry because I think deep down that I deserve this. I feel inferior to the AP. I know really this isn't true, but a whole life of FOO issues can really mess you up.

On a purely intellectual level, I get what you're saying; an A is screwed up no matter what the reason. My parents had -- have -- issues and divorced, but didn't really "break up" until I was ten years old. Some of the past "lessons" are hard to break. I recognize it, but at the same time, my Dad reinforced it by his anctions, my Mom reinforced it by her words and my prior relationship reinforced it by his cheating and subsequent marriage. Intellectually, I get it. Emotionally, I want to punch a wall.

[This message edited by ShockedErica11 at 5:12 PM, November 19th (Monday)]

Intellectually, I get it. Emotionally, I want to punch a wall.

I know how you feel.

((ShockedErica))

The truth about affairs are exactly what Southerngal said!

Unfortunately, when we just find out we tend to blame ourselves.

WS blame us as well, as everything & everyone else but, themselves!

It just takes a little time before we, the BS, realize the affair wasn't about how we looked,dressed,level of education etc.

Yes I agree. By insulting them we are really lowering ourselves.

I hate it when I read about reconciled couples making fun of the OP's.... Dunno why really, just seems really poor taste....

Maybe two wrongs don't make a right????

Hi

I read the first couple of pages of this thread when it first appeared and have thought about it a lot. (I have just skimmed the last few today so apologies if I am repeating someone else.)

I was one of those who was quick to criticise anything I could about FWHs OWs.

Deep down I know they are just women like me (except for the fact that they are f...ing cheating, whore, sluts ).

But as for their looks, level of education etc I think you have to take the criticism of BSs in context.

We are all so hurt. We desperately want to see a reason why the OPs are deficient. We want to lash out and say how he could he be with someone who was fat,dumb, old, uneducated... whatever?

This is part of our self defence mechanism. We NEED to do it. eg OW3 had rather large breasts. So in my own mind I imagined them as floppy, ugly etc. Mine are on the small side. I NEEDED to do this. She also had large pointy ears. These are the things I focussed on because they were easy to criticise. FWH said she was a "nice" person - so I tore her character to shreds - even though I have never had much real info about her.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that those BSs who are hurt when they read another BS criticising an OP need to realise it is not about them. It is about a lost suffering soul trying to regain some self-esteem.

Another example is weight. OW3 is a little on the heavy side. I harped on and on at FWH about how he could be with her. Since dday I have lost weight and I think I look really good. However, I do not judge people by their weight. In fact my two best friends are very overweight. (I worry about their health because of it). But I love them dearly and would do anything for them. Their weight has nothing to do with the way I value them.

I guess I am just trying to say that the negatives so many of us focus on in the OPs has nothing to do with how we see people in the real world. I am fairly attractive, well educated and have a good paying job. MY FWH is none of these. I married him because I thought I saw more beneath the surface and these things didn't matter to me.......

The value I place on other people has nothing to do with looks, education etc.

I value what I see in people's hearts. and I believe I have a lot of company on this site.

So SouthernGal please try to see that many are lashing out in their hurt. In real life these superficial things would not mean anything in our relationships. We latch onto them in an effort to soothe ourselves.

HUGS

Laura

First, thanks so much for this thread SG. The "OW was so ugly" threads really bother me too.

In my case, at the time of WH's affair, I had gained about 30 lbs and was overweight and a frumpy dresser(still am) but I truly believed that WH loved me unconditionally and had no insecurity about my looks or our relationship whatsoever. I was happy, or so I thought.

Then he cheats with an OW who, I can honestly say, is a huge trade-up from me in the looks dept. She could almost model or be on tv. She is very photogenic and has this way of beaming in every picture. Even thought I know that it is all fake and her soul is black on the inside, this really bothers me. It is hard to find a decent picture of me at all, even though I don't consider myself unattractive, I do not photograph well.

Anyway, all the threads about how ugly OP is make me think, what is wrong with me then? My WH had a significantly more attractive OP. Ugh. I try to focus on the "always affair down" stuff but I admit it the looks stuff does get to me sometimes. Of course she is much uglier than me on the inside, but I can't help but think how it would have looked to the outside world on a superficial level if he had left me for OW, what a "trade-up" some people might have thought he had made. Ugh.