SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

All I see is nonstop beating up one person and nonstop cheering on another,

Have we been reading the same threads? Though some posters are harsh in SS17's thread, she has many supporters both here and in SWAT's thread. It is certainly not just posters beating her up and cheering SWAT on. It does a massive disservice to anyone who told SWAT she's trying to change, is remorseful, is starting to get it, and for him to hold on and keep watching for positive signs to say none of this is happening and that everyone is actually against SS17. It does a disservice to posters here who are harsh and blunt because they want to help her out of the fog to imply that they actually just want to tear her down.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 10:38 AM, May 25th (Sunday)]

SS,

I'd like to ask you what was going thru your mind when you called your family to look for Swat?

Being very honest with yourself will help you see some of the things we are seeing.

BW here... I don't have a lot to add to the advice you've gotten but I did want to say one thing.

One of the biggest reasons I'm divorced is because xh would never give me space to think about what I was feeling and dealing with. It was always, always, always about him. He was constantly in my face about why I wasn't over things yet or all in love with him again because dang it, he was SORRY. Of course he has some NPD going on (not saying that about you at all) but even so, some space and empathy would have gone a long way in how we communicated, no matter the outcome of our marriage.

Don't be afraid to give him some space. You might feel like that will help him slip away faster but I would bet it would have the opposite effect... because you're respecting what he needs right now. If this was a year from now, I'd have a different view but today? Given him some room.

I've been following your story and am pulling for you guys!

The best gift, you could give your BH right now, is to get on the internet, research ICs who have experience in infidelity, copy down 2-3 phone numbers, and on Tuesday morning, call and make appointments with the goal of finding someone that you connect with to start therapy with. YOU getting YOURSELF better is the BEST gift that you can give your WH. As a matter of fact, it may be the primary gift that you can give him and your children. It's certainly a primary action, vice words, that will enable you to go forward to becoming a healthy person vice, frankly, a user. Frankly, flailing around all over the place, trying to figure out what you can do to keep your marriage intact is doing nothing but putting more strains and holes in it. Your marriage is on fire, you've been given a hose of information to help you, and instead of focusing that info-hose on the flames, you're swinging it wildly all over place while your life is burning up out of control. YOU cannot control your WH. YOU cannot control where your marriage is going right now. You can only control yourself, and you Need To Learn HOW to control yourself, to curb yourself, to become a supportive partner instead of the main attraction.

Look. I am not saying these words to hurt you. I really am not. I am saying these words because I hope you will stop flailing around, sit down by yourself, and think. Quit reacting, start thinking. You need to figure out why you do what you do and put some interior rules in place to curb your old, self-centered habits. The definition of insanity is to keep on doing something that doesn't work. So stop. Just stop. When you're tempted to react, stop. Ask yourself, is this going to help Swat or is it about me. Is this action a offering of support or is it a demand for attention. Get quiet and start getting to the bottom of your actions. And when you think that you have, dig deeper. It's OK not to know why at first, but it's not OK to simply sit on IDK without digging. Peel that onion. Know thyself. I wish you luck.

split, I'm not in the "beat you over the head till you confess" camp, but you have no idea what it's like to live with a husband who knows you fucked another man, and lied to his face for months. Like SoSorry, you're putting your needs above your husband's. Pot, meet kettle, of course I did it too, so I get it. For R to be genuine, that selfishness needs to come to an end.

I'm aware that I don't have that experience to pull from, and I appreciate that you don't beat me over the head till I confess.

It just seems to me that if the M is in this volatile of a place then one of them should not be living there. LEO or not, he'd left the house. By the time he called home, it was already late, and he was drunk--so drunk that he did not even realize that it was so late the kids would be asleep when he called. He doesn't owe SS17 a damn thing, but he does owe it to his kids to not create that version of a shitstorm in the midst of the fallout from the nuclear bomb that SS17 detonated.

This is an emergent situation, and until SoSorry develops some emotional maturity and tackles her drama queen problem, she is not a safe partner. To SWAT or anyone.

I agree.

Right now, you're expecting someone who already has a tendency toward anxiety, drama, & such, to react like it's no big deal if her BH calls while drunk & in possession of his vehicle, abruptly hangs up, & then falls off the radar. I cannot fathom a "normal" or "right" thinking person handling that situation in a way that doesn't involve calling hospitals, checking with relatives, trying to ensure that he is in a safe place. But SS17 is supposed to jump months ahead in her healing & be OK with that behavior? Why? Because he's LEO? Her AP is LEO. That training is not enough to counter the fuckery that alcohol can do to your mind, your judgment, all that, and I still feel she was right to be very concerned about his wellbeing given how it played out.

They've got enough damage to work through. Dad disappearing isn't helping anything. It'd be healthier for the kids if one of them would leave the space, IMO, at least until things settle down. Then, at least, the kids know the absent parent is choosing to be absent...his absence is accounted for.

Well, as usual several of you are right on the money. Today after church Swat asked if I would talk with him and our pastor. Of course I will.

Were talking and he started saying things like he "Sometimes just needs time alone." "I want to trust you but I can't.""You stabbed me in the back and I can't forget that."

After almost half an hour, what he was saying started changing from can't to want and will try.

The pastor made us promise some things to him and each other. Someone complained this was a "blog" so I won't get into too much detail. We agreed that if we follow his advice it would be easier for both of us.

So I'm going to be backing off a lot. I've promised to not involve my family or friends as much. Swat said he just "wanted his old wife back" and that is what I'm going to do. Minus the drama seeking and selfishness of course. I just asked that when he triggers that he actually tells me and if he needs to leave so I know not to push. I'm kind of an in your face kind of person that way.

Most of all we were both using words like I and can't. But we changed to you and us and try or want. So while it is still up in the air, I'll take it as positive steps forward.

On a lighter note Swat is grilling some steaks and corn.(we've gotta make sure the grill works for the party) The kids are swimming blue lips and all. I've got a glass of wine and he has a beer.(moderation of course) It is a beautiful day and I think we both made progress today. Baby steps, I know. Keep moving forward and take care of ourselves is our new motto.

One thing you've learned, I hope...

Had you not brought all the drama into this recent event, the outcome would have been the same (Swat home and safe, and planning a party), LESS all of the stress you brought into your family's life, and annoying Swat.

That being said, it'd have been better had Swat announced he needed time alone. If he had done that would you have been able to keep out of it, and just let him be?

It's tough stuff, all around.

Enjoy your bbq.

Right now, you're expecting someone who already has a tendency toward anxiety, drama, & such, to react like it's no big deal if her BH calls while drunk & in possession of his vehicle, abruptly hangs up, & then falls off the radar. I cannot fathom a "normal" or "right" thinking person handling that situation in a way that doesn't involve calling hospitals, checking with relatives, trying to ensure that he is in a safe place.

And if SoSorry had done these things purely out of concern for SWAT's welfare, everyone would be saying well done.

But she didn't.

As a lot of people maintain, it's not what you say, it's how you say it.

Well he is home and pissed at me yet again. My dad found him and they got his truck and came home. He isn't talking to me at all today.

Because this line screams, entitlement, selfishness and manipulation.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 7:10 AM, May 26th (Monday)]

OOOOOH...ok. That makes sense: Thanks, SlowUptake.

As a lot of people maintain, it's not what you say, it's how you say it.

"Well he is home and pissed at me yet again. My dad found him and they got his truck and came home. He isn't talking to me at all today."

Because this line screams, entitlement, selfishness and manipulation.

It seems like it'd be more helpful to focus on that aspect of it then...too many posts were coming across with the "it was wrong of you to track him down" message, & that feels off. What's it called? Blameshifting? It had that vibe...like you did this bad thing, so I did this other bad thing, and it's your fault. Plus, you can't get pissed at me for it because you did the bad thing that started it all.

That said, I agree 100% that had he acted in a LEO manner, told her he was going to disappear for a while, & done it, & SS17 responded by tracking his whereabouts & trying to find him, then you could call her out for every bit of that thought processes from start to finish. And I hope that's what they worked out with their pastor....a way to own that need, state it, & stay safe.

Edited to clean up typos.

[This message edited by splitintwo at 6:56 AM, May 26th (Monday)]

It seems like it'd be more helpful to focus on that aspect of it then..

We are in agreement.

From my POV what SWAT did was irresponsible.

The motives for SoSorry's reaction are what are questionable.

I used to have the tag line,

"Being a BS doesn't necessarily make you a saint.

Conversely being a WS doesn't necessarily mean you're evil."

I changed my tag line after someone suggested it may be inflammatory.

SS17

I am happy to read your update. I hope your party is wonderful. Focus on Swat every chance you get. I think you will have a great day.

So our party was a hit. Swat triggered a bit when someone mentioned AP, but I was right there and had my arm around him when it happened. He got really tense, but didn't say anything. I gave him a squeeze and kissed his arm. He's a giant compared to me, so that was about all I could reach. For the most part I think we did ok.

I understand it was only one day and the day before was a mess. There will be very good and very bad days, some will be normal. I've listened to the advice given to me and tried to apply it. I understand we could stay together and try to R and just not make it and maybe we will. That is not a decision I can make. He has to make that decision and so far I haven't presented the best case, but I'm going to do everything I can to make myself a better person so his decision either way is what is best for him. I'm sure I'll stumble but I'm going to give it everything I have.

For example there were some women floating around him and I admit I was jealous. But I had to stop and think,he did nothing wrong and was just being friendly to them. He kept me near him and was touching or hugging me most of the day. They came with people he either worked with or was friends with. There was nothing inappropriate in how he acted and to be honest they didn't really do anything wrong either. Previously I would have been kind of nasty to him and them just to cause enough tension that people would notice. I'm a jealous person and that has caused issues in the past. Its another thing I have to work on and I will. Letting go of my insecurities isn't easy but I have to do it.

You have come a long way in a very short time. It was less than two weeks ago that you violated his trust in a pretty significant way. For him to have you back in the house and to have him publicly be with you is more change than I would have expected.

You are doing great. My guess is that there will be times that he starts to question if things are moving too fast. He will need space to think about that - make sure you give it to him. The thing to understand is that you can't control him or his decision - and trying to do so will prove counter-productive. Keep working on you.

SoSorry,

you did good and have come a long way in this short time. Just keep thinking before you act and how it will affect swat and yourself.

I'm giving him space if he wants or needs it. Right now he is in the guest room getting ready for work. Since he took a shower two hours ago I am sure he is getting his SI time in.

I mentioned before about the letters I've been writing to Swat. We talked about them last night. He asked me if I would be comfortable with him reading them. I was honest with him and said they are emotional and kind of "sappy". He laughed and said that maybe what he needs. He is a good man and I really do want him to be happy again. I've seen glimpses of the old Swat and it is bittersweet. While MY biggest wish is for us to stay together, I've come to the very bitter realization it may not be what he needs. And that just sucks.

Sosorry,

I cannot take it anymore, I hear you giving up, please don't. I don't know you, I only know who you type yourself out to be on this forum, and if that is who you really are I can say we have a lot in common. Your BH sounds a lot like my H too.

The issues of insecurity, not feeling good enough to be his wife, jealousy, and vengeance for an A that may or may not have happened on his part, all my story too!

If he needs anything from you right now it is to know you are there. He has stayed with you,that tells me he does not want to leave you he is just so hurt, it is clear the way you describe him that he could easily leave and find another lady to fill his days with, my husband could have too, but if he had the choice I think he would rather be with you. I know my H loves me still. I didn't always know that. It took a while for me to get it.

You need to realize that 1) you are good enough for HIM, maybe not for his mom, or his dad, or even the neighbors, but HIS opinion of you is the only opinion that matters; 2) if he wanted to be gone, you gave him plenty of reason on Dday, he would be gone, he really wants to work things out or else he just wouldn't try; 3) this is not the time to give up, this is the time to try harder than ever, that does not mean that you are all up in his face, it does not mean you become miss perfect, it means that when he says he wants his old wife back he means that he wants you to be faithful, to be completely his like he thought you would be, to be there for his needs, and that you fix yourself because you became broken but can be fixed; 4) No more contact with OM's, don't flirt, don't give a damn about any other man's feelings but his, damn you why did you have to meet up with OM, even though you did not do anything with OM that night, just keeping in contact with him hurt your marriage, stop caring what other guys think, if he was bothering you you should have gone to SWAT to get him off your back or ignored his messages. No contact means no contact, not just a little bit of contact. I hope you really got it this time because I don't think you have any more chances left with SWAT.

He sounds like a great guy, and you sound like a good person too, insecure and needy, but that can be fixed with some good counseling sessions.

You can succeed though, I know it, you really can.

I just reread my post, I sound angry, sorry!

I am not mad. Just concerned, he sounds like he is pushing and pulling, he is angry and needs to get it out. Not sure what to say to help, but maybe some punching of stuff, old boards, a punching bag.

Have you actually said I'm sorry?

I think my H really needed to hear that from me, but I was too afraid to say it, I would just look down and cry whenever he would bring up the A, then I wrote him an apology, and I think it helped.

I'm not giving up at all. I have an appointment with another IC, who says he specializes in infidelity. I like my current one but sometimes it seems like she is willing to accept and even makes excuses for my behavior. I'm not sure.

Swat is at work and has sent me a few text messages throughout the night. It feels nice if you know what I mean. I know he loves me and I've put him in a position he never wanted to be in. He is struggling because he always said he could never stay with someone who cheated. The word "cheated" is actually to tame for what I have really done. But I'm not giving up on me or him. You all have hammered it home. I've got to get myself better and show him I'll be a person he can trust again. He may never trust me completely but that is a consequence of my actions.

i dont know if this helps ... but ....

my wife told me a few times that she was afraid that i was looking for a reason to leave - thats why i was digging into the affairs, why i kept watching her and her actions, why i asked her so many questions, etc.

then i sat her down. i told her flat out that i ALREADY had every reason in the world to leave. every lie, every deception, every broken trust, all 3 guys she had sex with, the dozen or so she was sexting, the emotional abandonment, how she treated our daughter = reasons to leave. i had tons of reasons to leave. what i was looking for were reasons to stay.

maybe hes looking for his reasons to stay. it sounds like the same basic thing but its a fundamentally different mindset. looking to leave means i find something else or decide its so bad already = im gone. looking to stay means even if is see occassional steps backwards or even failings its okay as long as i see more signs of improvement, if i see her working on herself, that i see her being open/transparent/honest, that shes working on adding to her trust account instead of running it further into the red, etc.

so you just need to keep working on yourself and thats a big reason for him to stay.

does that make sense?

[This message edited by william at 5:24 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]

william, it actually makes perfect sense. While he hasn't actually said it I know he is still here because he wants to be here. I've given him enough ammunition to blow us sky high.

I haven't been a good partner in our marriage. There were several times I was mean and spiteful. I could list my reasons, but they really don't hold water. But he always stood by me, and I was often left wondering why? And here we are once again,he is again waiting for me and he is still supporting me. I bet he doesn't even realize it either.

I have a lot to make up to him and I really do understand that I have to fix me first in order to do that. So each day and every decision I make is for him first.