SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hahaha. I have four goats. Four!

And they are pygmy. The small ones. They have a massive size pen and a house with separate sections and dammit they prefer to wander with the horses. And spend their down time under our gazebo or on our decks. Which wouldn't be an issue IF they didn't poop everywhere.

The goats are just as much if not more of a headache causing addition to the farm as wh lol

Wh has tried to argue that me posting here is what's keeping me from healing.

Ugh so he must have read this thread. My STBX says whoever I am talking to and my therapist have caused the breakdown of the M

BTW I always have wanted a pygmy goat how adorable I guess until they try to get out

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:19 PM, September 30th (Wednesday)]

Oh no sorry, wh said that stuff a long time ago.

He knows now not to say a damn word about me and SI. He actually typically makes sure I'm up on Friday mornings to do SPF.

I wanted milking goats but these ones needed homes. They are great for clearing Bush and keeping poison ivy down. They just wont stay put in their pen. I actually set up the electric, got them all back in and stood and watched. One hit the wire and jumped. None of them tried to get out....until I left. So I need a camera set up to see where they are jumping out. I also need to put in one of the hay bales from last years lot so they can munch away on that and not go after the new bales we had delivered.

Wh is home. We've had some serious downpours this afternoon and it was raining and thundering hard when he got home. Messaged me that it was raining. I said ya i know. Didnt realize he was home. He came some time later saying why didnt i bring out an umbrella for him... hes trying to be funny. But it just comes off as annoying most days.

Ugh so he must have read this thread

I doubt he has but I wish he would. Not for my benefit but his. I'm confident si peeps could get him on track for his own good but hes just to stubborn and pig headed to bother making the effort.

11:32pm and I'm in the kitchen....tired but unable to sleep.

Wh was given the first season of Sons of Anarchy and we watched a few episodes. I was completely ok sitting there watching it with him but the moment he wants to go to sleep and starts snoring I just see red.

How the fuck can he sleep so damn well???

Ok maybe not well. Hes always tired. How does he fall asleep so fast? Damn!

I have meds I can take to sleep but they are best taken when I can stay in bed for more than 6 hours and I'll be up at 3.

I just want to wake him up...

But I put on some laundry, did an phone refill of some medication, made no my todo list for tomorrow and added to my grocery list. At least I've been productive right lol.

How the fuck can he sleep so damn well???

Ok maybe not well. Hes always tired. How does he fall asleep so fast? Damn!

This used to drive me nuts...my WH slept like a baby for our whole marriage. When something bothers me, I am like you...can’t sleep. Can’t fall alsleep or stay alsleep. For me, it was another indication of his complete lack of being bothered by what he had done.

I hope you did finally get some rest...and using meds to get through a tough time...totally okay and nothing to be ashamed about. You can’t function well on no sleep and you need to take care of yourself.

Ps Sons of Anarchy would be triggery for me...tons of infidelity in it. Just a warning.

Hang in there...you are strong.

Ya I went back to bed at 12:30.

Laid awake for a bit then finally fell asleep.

Its just so hard to shut off my brain. Besides his damn snoring is ground shaking at times lol. If I could fall asleep before that starts I'd be ok (apparently I snore too so I cant complain about his lol)

Wh got me up when he got up...not that he doesnt wake me up anyways just from the commotion of getting ready lol

Before he left he says "oh I dont care" and comes to give me a hug. I move back and tell him he needs to start caring (about me NOT caring). Score one for DragnHeart!

Ps Sons of Anarchy would be triggery for me...tons of infidelity in it. Just a warning

Actually the whole baby born early and in NICU was more upsetting to watch but yes it seems like it would be a show with everyone screwing everyone.

Then again what show doesnt have infidelity these days.

Sing. A bloody kids movie has it in it. Ok not sex obviously but the bf porcupine is caught "singing" with a different girl by the gf.

Sons of Anarchy is totally different than what we have here. Remember we do not have satellite or Netflix or cable tv at all. Just movies and series we have bought. Ron Perlman is an actor I enjoy hehehe so i dont mind. And those types of triggers are more eye rolls now. But I do point them out to wh and he usually apologizes or cringes.

Edited to add that wh knew I had left the bedroom. This morning he asked when I had come back and knowing I got less than 3 hours of sleep said that once the kids were at school I should just go back to bed. Had to stay up because my carrot guy was making his delivery and if I dont get to the bag the escaped goats do. I'll probably have a nap sometime today.

[This message edited by DragnHeart at 6:08 AM, October 1st (Thursday)]

So while i was unable to sleep I figured why not vent a bit and emailed wh.

Asked how he can sleep so easily with all hes done, if he even feels bad or guilty. Said I just cant lay in the same bed awake staring at the ceiling anymore.

He actually read the email. And on break responded.

It was in messenger. I'm just putting what he wrote.

"You need a sleeping pill"

"It does affect me I feel bad but if I go down a depression for this I wont work could lose job and we have nothing"

"I am the only income I am stressed about having to work so much to keep money coming in. It's on my mind all the time. I think of you all day here and it sometimes fucks me up and I cut shit totally wrong"

"Try to keep my mind busy or I am nervous about what I could do"

"I dont want you to see me like this. I am a man supposed to be strong push feelings emotions down".

He belted that all out rather quickly and the only thing I responded to (other than I have sleeping pills) was the strong man no emotions crap. Pretty much said that WAS crap since hes supposed to be open, honest with everything including his emotions.

Finances have always been an issue. Cant talk to him at all, ever, without him freaking out. Watched his knees buckle when we took the kids out and we all got new shoes, school clothes and groceries. Spent over $400 and he was shocked. I expected a larger total actually lol.

I've tried to explain that he doesnt HAVE to work 70 hours a week. Between his regular pay and the benefits we get the mortgage, insurance, bills, food all totally covered.

He uses needing more money as an excuse. Who couldn't use MORE MONEY. Fact is hes a workaholic big time. He works himself to exhaustion, complains then does it again. He always has to one up the other guys. Always had to be so far ahead.

Even at home he can over do it. Says hes going to "cut the grass". That should only mean the lawn around the house but noooooooo three hours later I find him with the lawn tractor out in the back fucking pasture. That's overkill.

The only part of all he said that's concerning is the:

Try to keep my mind busy or I am nervous about what I could do

I'm assuming he means keeping his mind on work so he doesnt end up chopping off a hand...that's logical.

I guess I'll keep my venting to here and avoid emails to him.

Hmm, none of the emailing stuff sounds roommate-y to me really.

Disengage. STOP having conversations/emails/messenger IMS/texts about the state of your marriage. You want advice on how to do that? Do not email him (IM, text, skywrite, interpretive dance etc) about anything other than business (kids or farm or finances) related stuff. No feelings (neither yours NOR his). No recriminations. No bitching at him about what he does unless it directly relates to business. Every time you engage with him, you are proving that you are indeed still very emotionally invested in the M, despite all your protestations to the contrary.

Roommates don't have sex. They don't have feelings. They don't have emotional issues with one another. They don't care about why behaviors are because of foo or whatever. Roommates is a business arrangement. You want to be roommates? Then stop acting like a wife and start acting like a roomie.

I know. No more interactions (other than what you listed).

Also - typically, roommates don't sleep in the same bed. Just saying.

Look, IHS is its own special kind of hell (go read in D/S), but it IS doable. But if you're going to separate as much as possible, then do it - actually separate. Find a way to set up your own bedroom and carve out your own space. Cus IMHO it's impossible to be roommates with someone when sleeping with them, having emotional convos with them, obsessing over what they're doing or why they're doing it....

He probably won't change at this point. So you have to adapt. If neither of you changes at all, then things will stay exactly like they are right now and you will still be in this same place as your kids are leaving for college. It's not fair that he fucked up and you are thus forced to adapt to things you don't like. It sucks. But it's either that or stay stuck.

Back to the 180. Print it out and keep it handy to refer to throughout the day.

Dragn, I've been right where you are, watching him sleep like a freakin' baby while I'm so wired and anxious I can't. Plus he used to snore, too. He got me 29 decibel orange foam ear plugs and that problem solved itself. Now I need them to sleep, just to damp down the hum of appliances. I can still hear things but it takes away the startle response.

Also your WH sounds like mine in the way he feels his work is his #1 contribution and he's also a workaholic. I often tell myself "Well, at least he isn't a bum like my brother..." That would be way worse.

Does he have a father he can share any of his worries with, about his job, etc.? Men do get programmed this way, from early in life. So I sympathize with what he wrote, except it's not directly addressing what you wanted him to address.

I know he's still offering you his work ethic in exchange for something else you want from the relationship. But he's right in his fear, when he stops working, he sees the ship sinking. I can respect that.

I like the suggestion about just keeping feelings out of written communication.

[This message edited by Superesse at 10:00 AM, October 1st (Thursday)]

One thing that helped me detach was by just observing what my STBX would say or do. These things would make me automatically detach because I just couldn't believe he was that dense or so about himself that he didn't even see me. Normally detachment would get someone to think what can I do differently to help. How can I help my BS. How can I change to make this situation better. My STBX never got it, it was always about him even my detachment became about how it affected him. Detaching was a real eye opener for me.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 11:12 AM, October 1st (Thursday)]

Also - typically, roommates don't sleep in the same bed. Just saying.

...three bedroom house, six people, unfinished basement, no extra places to sleep unless you want me on the floor in the kitchen. Living room sofas are not ok for my back.

We do have a very large bed. He on his side me on mone. He goes to sleep first. Is asleep by the time I go to bed. He isnt getting the nightly snuggles or sex or good nights even. He is feeling the physical detachment trust me.

Back to the 180. Print it out and keep it handy to refer to throughout the day

Yes I will do that.

Does he have a father he can share any of his worries with, about his job, etc.? Men do get programmed this way, from early in life.

Nope. He and his father do not have any sort if relationship. Not one where they talk anyways. His grandfather is the one who pushed the men are manly only agenda crap.

His brother is getting married. Text wh last night to let him know that with the new covid restrictions he doesnt want our family there. BIL was wh best man at our wedding. Pretty sure wh is a bit sad about that even though they arent close.

So I sympathize with what he wrote, except it's not directly addressing what you wanted him to address.

This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Falls in line with this (look down, no down arrow lol)

Normally detachment would get someone to think what can I do differently to help. How can I help my BS. How can I change to make this situation better. My STBX never got it, it was always about him even my detachment became about how it affected him.

Well when we had the first "talk" he did first offer to delete Facebook and restrict his phone and did ask what else he could do. That's the kicker though HE needs to figure out what to do. Not have me tell him. Use the head on his shoulders for once!

I have to give him some credit. The messages are directly answering what I asked in the email with more than yes/no answers.

Also your WH sounds like mine in the way he feels his work is his #1 contribution and he's also a workaholic. I often tell myself "Well, at least he isn't a bum like my brother..." That would be way worse.

Omg do our husbands and brothers have twins we dont know about? Mmthe eldest of my little brothers has been bouncing from job to job or working up some quick money making scheme for most if his life. He actually just got his shit together and started a tow truck service.

Well shit. School called. DS has a headache and is being sent hone because that's a symptom of covid. He cannot return to school without one of three things happening. Fuck. Ok gotta go. Crap lol

Sent wh a text to call me. He finally does. I explain our son must be picked up...wh freaks. He starts rhyming off how this is shitty and why he cant just up and leave work and I stop him. Said Ok thanks I'll go get DS.

So I walked my fat ass up there lol. Was in a line of parents waiting to pick up kids. Got ds and we headed home. Got rained on. Neighour from town stops to offer a ride but we were already close and wet so it was all good lol

Ds fell and hit his head at recess. Didn't tell a teacher.

Hes home and ok. No sign of concussion. I'll have him checked out tomorrow and the doc fill the paperwork for him to return to school.

Wh texts me asking if everything is ok and apologizes.

I really despise his knee jerk reactions and freaking out but this time I didnt engage. Juat said I'll do. It myself and got it done.

I just grabbed the bottle of isopropyl alchohol I use when doing DDs injections to take a drink instead of my Pepsi...

I think 3 hours of sleep plus a 45min round trip walk to pick up DS from school has done me in for today. But I'm still worried I wont actually sleep.

Time for a sleeping pill.

Why do I feel bad about taking it? I'm scared i wont wake up if something happens.

I also attempted suicide via sleeping pills when I was a teen and just swallowing pills now is hard.

I think I'll pick myself up some liquid Melatonin tomorrow.