SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Look, I know Tomorrow you don't see me as the voice of encouragement here. I'm not telling you rah rah reconcilliation. That is NOT because I don't believe in R, I do. But you need a WS who is remorseful, transparant, honest. And even then it's an uphill climb, where the WS is supposed to be doing much of the heavy dragging.

You don't have that. You've got 139 posts to your thread from people who've BTDT. You're getting good advice. Sometimes "hope" is not your friend. Cold reality is.

What you just described is not "slightly" falling off the 180, buddy. It's CODDLING her. It is SUCKING up to your WW. It is allowing her to manipulate you!

BooFUCKINGhoo! SHE is depressed? Really? Too bad. Do you see this as the shameless tactic that it is to divert energy from YOU and your loss and YOUR marriage to HER? You keep offering your love, she keeps giving you vague banalities.

Does she feel bad about what she did? No. She feels bad about getting caught. Where was her sadness when she was fucking OM in your bed? Where was her depression THEN? Nonexistent. It's just shown up conveniently since you outted her A to the OM's partner.

You are being PLAYED. Please, please, PLEASE listen to us when we tell you -- from painful experience -- no one gets through this by appeasing a foggy WS. NO ONE. Been here four years, haven't read of a single case of ILY sweetie, you're not such a bad person, I'm there for ya! working.

We all know the sheer terror of losing your home and your spouse and your family. I know exactly how paralzing that fear is. But you need to rise above it and save yourself. And fight for your daughter. It's the best hope you have of saving your marriage, is to GET TOUGH.

Stop letting her manipulate you! Get ANGRY. Protect yourself!

I'm glad you're going to see a lawyer.

Stop being Chamberlain. Start being Churchhill.

I agree with squiffle. I've BTDT. In the beginning before I found this site I did so much to show how much I loved and cared for my WH in spite of what he had done. DID NOT DO ANY GOOD!

My initial reaction to WH telling me about the A, shocked him with the level of my pain, and he waffled between me and her. When he was with me he wanted nothing but our M, but was depressed, said he wouldn't see her, was concerned about his pain, pined for OW. He would text and call her. then he would see her because OW was his friend. And the A was back on. Then he would feel some level of guilt and would admit that he saw her (left out the part of the bj or sex). And he would say that he wanted only me and our marriage.

It was not until he had to face the very real possibility that he was going to lose me that started to defog. And before that point came, it got really bad.

After my second D-Day, WH stayed out all night for three days but would come home in the morning and be with the kids. I found was letting OW stay in our empty condo and I freaked out. I told him I was leaving with kids to go to my parents for awhile, that I would make sure he talked to his kids, but I wasn't going to talk to him while I was gone unless it concerned the kids. I told him as he was running out the door to hook up with OW to go be with her. He took that as he was no longer welcome in our home. the next day he asked to come home to spend the night with the kids (I left as soon as he got there and returned a while later to finish packing). the morning I was leaving, he decided it was me and our marriage. Told me he would do whatever it took to fix us, threw OW out of condo. I felt the tide turning.

He broke NC several times over the next six weeks and I had to tell him it was my way or the highway and he sent a NC email that I approved. (I have the added joy of OW being pg which is why it was so difficult for WH to maintain NC but he did it).

I know this is a long winded reply. As a caring individual you hate seeing your spouse in any pain, but when they are in the fog they don't care about your pain or the damage they are inflicting on the M.

I'll never be happy, you deserve somebody better are signs (IMO) that she is looking to restart the A anyway she can. Because in their foggy minds the A was the only time they were truly happy (thanks to marital history rewriting).

180 and detach. resist the urge to call her. resist the urge to comfort her.

I say this, because I wish I would have found this site in the beginning. When he told me that he wanted to be with her and be happy and left for the night I let him go that night but the next morning I caved and asked for two months to work on our M. I really wish I could have gone back in time and had his bags waiting for him the next morning when he came back to talk. I can guarantee that he would have been gone for three days. Then I wouldn't have let him back in until I knew NC was established and he was ready to work on our M. It would have saved me months of limbo hell.

Even though we are attempting to R there is no guarantee it is going to work and you know what I am fine with that. I will be sad but I am not afraid to let go if it comes to that.

I totally agree with previous posts. I'm sorry, but she is MANIPULATING you. She wants YOU to feel BAD for HER? BS! You really, really, really, need to get angry. Just THINK about the things she has done, the lies she's told you and continue to tell you. Because, hon, she IS lying. She's not being truthful. If she were, she would be owning this, and she is NOT. You do need to put D on the table, and go talk to a lawyer. Please, stop coddling her, stop giving in to her little pitty party, and take care of yourself.

Go see a lawyer. It is at that point, and I'm sorry that it is, but you have got to protect yourself.

"It was not until he had to face the very real possibility that he was going to lose me that started to defog. And before that point came, it got really bad."

This is EXACTLY right...

[This message edited by TXMommy at 1:54 PM, December 2nd (Thursday)]

You need to listen to what your WW is telling you:

she told me not to worry(in a stern/emotionless) voice

.

She knows exactly what she's doing - manipulating you.

Lawyer up! She's still in this affair!

Rightbeforedbay-

I don't want to offer any relationship advice as I am struggling with my own but I did want to let you know I am feeling the same way.

My D-day was 3 weeks ago, I have pictures of my W doing sexual acts to others dancing in my head non stop. I have thrown up on occasion, I have not had more than 4 hours of sleep a day since I found out, and I to have an undescrible rage simmering inside.

I have found that for me excercise helps with the rage and gives me a break from thinking about the A. Beyond that I have no advice I just wanted to let you know that what you descirbed is exactly what I to am dealing with. You are not alone!

I read all these posts and I agree with the rest she is not remorseful and if she is not cakeating she would.

Question your daughter is at boarding school correct? Then she needs to get her act together and get a job...she needs to have something to help keep her busy, and out of trouble Just maybe a little more appreciation for of all the stuff you do for your family.

Right things have to change she is going to have to start on a different path. I would also require IC with a counselor that is experienced with infidelity not one that will help her rug sweep.

I feel bad for you.

JMO

dg

[This message edited by dghen at 7:55 PM, December 2nd (Thursday)]

Hi RBDD,

I read through all your posts since the last time I posted and found these gems in the replies:

sadtoo: Sex only once? In a year and a half? More horse shit.

And her making you change the letter...sounds like she's trying to match up stories.

squiffle: I think OM threw your WW under the bus.

I think until you outed it to OM's BS, the affair was still on.

She didn't end this on her own, I wouldn't give her too much credit. Where was her remorse before the shit hit the fan? She's playing you. Sorry.

Lucky: "I think it's a breakthrough on her part, she's trying to gain my trust, she's openly sharing with me what she's feeling"

Sadly it's not. You asked about where the sex took place - she wouldn't tell you. She hasn't volunteered any information, only confirmed what you had uncovered on your own.

If she brought him into your home and had sex on your bed, I'll bet you anything they had sex more than once.

Most WS tell the BS when busted that it was only once, probably 99% of them say that only to find it was more, wayyyyyyyy more

Now you have written:

she started saying things like:

-Apathy, deep sadness, hopelessness...

-I'll never be happy.

-I'm sorry, you should've marry a nice girl.

-I just ruin everyone's lives.

-I'm doubtful about being what's best for our daughter.

-nothing can help me but time, if this lowest point don't pass I'll check myself in.

she ended the conversation with

-I am a cancer that sucks the life out of everyone. Let me stay detached for now.

I differ slightly with recent posters who think of this as a manipulation tactic on her part. It may have that effect on you, but I suspect that her motive is less conscious and less directed at you. She is simply reacting to the OM throwing her under the bus. Think of it ... she has lost her lover. If you were in her situation you would be depressed too.

Now ... think of what this means. Your wife, the mother of your child, has given her heart, soul, and body to another. Do you really think this deserves a response other than 180 and a good attorney?

Hoping you are doing well.

I am doing much better, thank you Kamkim.

That's good to hear... positive thoughts and prayers coming your way...

Hang in there. Listen to the experience on this board. We all know exactly the feelings you are having. We are here for you.

Thank you all for keeping me in your hearts. And all the advice.

small update, there's been positive and constructive coversations between me and my wife daily. I'm finding less and less questions wondering in my head and both of us feel more connected than before.

thank you all for your supports and advices and prayers. I truly hope you find inner peace and strength in your daily lives.

God bless

Eat

Sleep

Drink lots of water

Read the healing library

Just wondering how you are doing.

I'm doing much better Kamkim, thank you for keeping me in your thoughts.

It's been slightly over a month now since my D-day and I feel much much better about myself, about my wife, even the affair itself. All the hurtful stuff aside, I'm glad I've gain so much out of it. I feel stronger, more confidence than ever.

again thank you so much for keeping me in your thoughts.

Have you guys started marital counseling yet?

Don't let her lull you into thinking all is ok...it happened to me because I was too nice.

Keep your ears and eyes open. These things rarely end this quickly.

Sorry you have to be here...

Observation #1- She's going into the "poor me" victim mode. Here's how it plays out with some depressed people (and by the way, if I were dealing with a bi-polar spouse, I would google and read everything I could get my hands on about that disorder & ptsd...post traumatic stress disorder just in case) In our case, we lived a vicious cycle. I would trigger, FWH would go into shame, guilt, depression cycle. He sank and stayed in a black hole for days or months. He'd crawl out of the black hole. We'd be okay, then I'd trigger, he'd sink back into depression. It took boat loads of professional help to get him to where he is now. But I think the biggest step forward in terms of the depression came when he had nothing to hide, no secrets left, no lies, no behavior he hadn't come to terms with....so no need for the shame, guilt, depression cycle to take hold.

Observation #2- I have a strong faith in God. But when you have been sent to hell via betrayal by the one you loved & trusted most, there are no shortcuts. You have to do the hard work on the marriage, the broken spouse needs to do the hard work so that they don't go back to cheating down the road, sweeping it all under the rug NEVER works in the long term. I guess what I'm saying is that you usually have to take the path through hell to get to the other side. It is like a death. So you have to go through the stages of grief before you can gain real peace of mind in my opinion. St. Augustine once said: "Pray like it all depends on God and work like it all depends on you." So, we can’t sit there and pray and pray and pray, and say God, why don’t you help me? Did you ever hear the story about the man who has been notified that his house is going to be flooded and he needs to get out of the house? He says no I don’t have to,God is going to take care of me. Then the flood starts to rise and a sheriff comes along and tells him to get out. The man says no, God is going to save me. So, the floods continue to rise, and he climbs on top of the house. A boat comes along and he’s told to climb into the boat. He says, no, no , God is going to save me. Finally, a helicopter comes along and they lower the net to rescue him. The man says, no, no, God is going to save me! Well, the man drowns and goes to heaven. When he gets to heaven he says to God, "why didn’t you save me?" God says, "I sent the sheriff, I sent a boat, I sent a helicopter, what more did you want me to do?" When God sends a helicopter, you have to climb in. Action is a part of faith and prayer as well.... And maybe....just maybe rightbeforebday, God sent you the people here on SI, ALL saying basically the same things to you. When you are ready to hear the messages being sent your way, I hope you will reread this thread and reconsider some of the excellent advice you've been given.

[This message edited by alluringillusion at 11:52 PM, December 28th (Tuesday)]

I'm doing extremely good with the 180 in the "get myself better" department. so much that the holidays this year was a peaceful and joyful one(Santa really thought my daughter was a nice little girl this year). I made it clear to my wife that if the cheating continued or if it ever happen again I will not hesitate to leave. I find it much more easier to not being clingy, not being vunerable, I ended my "panic driven" affection to her and I based my own happiness and sense of peace through God, myself, and my daughter.

punky,

I do not constantly remind her and myself about the affair, but she knows all is not okay. I'm dealing with it with my personal strength and I can see she's trying to be the wife and the mom she's suppose to be while dealing with her own shame and guilt. I stopped asking her for reassurance, apologies...etc. I am continuing talking to two IC's who's been a tremendous help to me, and I am going to start attending a local support group in January. Regarding MC, we're still searching for the right person.

alluringillusion

Being a son(rebellious one) of a Pastor, faith is something that's been a part of my life, sometimes I rebel against it, sometimes I embrace it. Right now I can honestly say that my strength comes from God and this strength is not something self manifested. I know I'm being cared for and I am loved, and in a way I'm glad that everything happened because there's always a reason for everything. I'm actively working on healing myself and taking good care of my family. Regarding my marriage, we are not sweeping anything under the rug, we did that a lot before and it lead us to this point. As peaceful and content I might seem, I AM going through the most intense grief I've ever experience in my life, I surprise myself how I can live day in and day out without much tears, sadness, depression in such a short time. And I'm proud of myself for able to actively change my train of thoughts whenever the painful details of the affair creeps into my mind. I'm not denying or pretend it didn't happen, I'm simply choosing not to waste my time and energy lingering on the pain and anger. Funny how you recommended me doing research on bi-polar disorder and PTSD, for years my wife's been asking me to do that and I've ignored it by "sweeping under the rug". All the people here in SI who took the time to read my post and replied showed me that I'm not alone, and I did take in plenty of excellent advice and course of action. For that I'm very grateful to everyone.

a little update, so we spent the entire month of Jan. planning, prepping for our daughter's birthday party on the 30th of Jan. The party turned out a great success, and both me and my wife are exhausted. We were happily distracted, happily working together, happily over worked ourselves for our wonderful daughter.

Now that the party is over, distractions gone, real life returns. I didn't expect the bad feeling to return so fast. Our wedding anniversay happened right after the party(Feb. 2nd), she texted me "happy anniversay" and I couldn't say those two words together back to her no matter how hard I tried. For me it was an anniversay of our failed marriage, and emotion once again runs wild.

The night of our anniversay, after we put our daughter to bed, she spent hours in the restroom making herself pretty, I had a feeling something might happen after she comes out.(we havent' been intimate at all, and there's been no sex since DDay in Nov. 2010). In fact her "last sex" was not with me. Anyways, long story short, she came out and lost her mojo, I was too much in grieve about our anniversay of the failed marriage. A bad conversation followed a day after about how I don't want to approach her sexually in fear of rejection, and she doesn't want to approach me sexually because she's simply can't be turned on by me. Now all I can think about is how she's not attracted to me anymore. She calls our marriage a perfect marriage??? all but the sex part????

I absolutely hate to be that sexually desperate loser.