SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,

I shared the long and tedious story above and you guys were INCREDIBLY helpful. I just wanted to log-in and say how amazingly well everything has gone for me since! You guys looked out for me, so wanted to report back and say I’m doing well.

A lot has obviously happened, but the bullet points are that the divorce is going through; she made an attempt to get back together with me but I refused (have also ignored all overtures to meet up, not seen her since she walked out); bought a two bed flat with the ton of money we made on the house sale and it’s really nice; have gone on Tinder and had some really success (nothing sleazy!). Have a second date tonight with a really nice girl, so we’ll see how that (and other bits and bobs) goes. Met another girl previously who I went out with for a month but alas she is now away travelling (we keep in touch).

Will prob update more over the weekend, but just to say: hello, THANKYOU and I hope you have all done as well as I have. I basically have a great new life.

X

Wronged!! Great to hear from you. Thanks for the update and really glad to hear you are doing so well.

There is a great message here to the newbies that you will be ok.

TWM... This one is for you brother!!!

"Heart And Soul"

Instincts that can still betray us,

A journey that leads to the sun,

Soulless and bent on destruction,

A struggle between right and wrong.

You take my place in the showdown,

I'll observe with a pitiful eye,

I'd humbly ask for forgiveness,

A request well beyond you and I.

Heart and soul, one will burn.

Heart and soul, one will burn.

An abyss that laughs at creation,

A circus complete with all fools,

Foundations that lasted the ages,

Then ripped apart at their roots.

Beyond all this good is the terror,

The grip of a mercenary hand,

When savagery turns all good reason,

There's no turning back, no last stand.

Heart and soul, one will burn.

Heart and soul, one will burn.

Existence well what does it matter?

I exist on the best terms I can.

The past is now part of my future,

The present is well out of hand.

The present is well out of hand.

Heart and soul, one will burn.

Heart and soul, one will burn.

One will burn, one will burn.

Heart and soul, one will burn.

- Ian Curtis

That's some really excellent news brother. Keep moving forward. Somehow I can't help from being envious of you!!

Wronged, Glad things are going well for you. Make sure you continue to enforce YOUR conditions for R. Make sure you continue to enforce your boundaries. You two are very susceptible to rug sweeping. Watch out for that. You two want so badly to return to normal, that you may overlook or forgive things you should not. The mind has a built in mechanism to protect you from this. It is both a blessing and a curse. You will recurrently relive the the pain of DD for a long time-years. Your mind will not allow you to forget or easily forgive. This is the minds way to protect you from further harm-injury. Use this. Use this result of post-traumatic stress as an instrument for good. Use this to ensure that you do not rug sweep. Use this to keep you on track to a TRUE R. Use this to ensure that you two follow-thru with reconstructive efforts. Use this constructively to keep you on your toes in all matters of love and relationship nurturing.

Right now she is on her best behavior. Make sure she follows-thru with counseling and self help, preventive measures, proper remorse and respect for what she has done, and researching her "why".

She must be understanding of your lack of trust and your desire for complete transparency. She can't ever expect trust to return to the marriage in the manner for which it was. But, you can look at it this way, it will no longer be baseless naive trust, it will be trust that is earned through hard work and sacrifice. Trust for quite awhile will be payed in arrears. And as trusting behavior is maintained it will someday pay in advance. It might be less likely for someone to throw something away so easily after they have worked so damned hard to earn it.

There will be bad days: She will fall short occasionally-especially when she is tired or frustrated. As long as they are isolated incidents, and she promptly recovers her composure and is apologetic, be understanding of this. The road of the WS is long and arduous.

My WW wants soooo badly for it to be over. To get this all behind her-us, to return to "the way we were", thinking the damaged she has caused is just to great to overcome, that she occasionally gets into a funk thinking we're doomed. This initially annoys me and gets me thinking that she just doesn't get it. But actually, she does get it. She gets it so well, empathizes so well, that it sometimes is overwhelming. This is not necessarily a "You need to get over it" attitude. You occasionally have to re-inspire each other. You her-when she needs it, and she you-when you need it.

You two are just beginning your journey. There are some great books out there that are repeatedly recommended by posters and stuff in the healing library. Be careful choosing a counselor. There some bad ones out there who seem totally inept in the field of Infidelity that can make things worse. Shop around.

Not quite sure I understand the last post, since its obvious TWM has moved on. Divorcing and dating other gals.

Best of luck TWM. I think your marriage is truly over and neither of you is interested in any type of reconciliation. Best to avoid her and her half-hearted attempts to remain your friend.

Wow, read all seven pages and missed his update on top of page 8.

Wronged

Wow! What a journey.

Glad you are coming out of it ok. You tried. No matter how you feel you tried.

Sadly your wife did not.

There are times when a WS cannot overcome their infidelity.

Your wife could not. In fact she has repeated it.

Stay away from her. Stay dark. Heal.

Keep moving forward and looking for that new love.

It is out there.

HM

Only just remembered I'd posted this (probably a good sign in a way!), so checked and heartening to see all your messages, especially YoP25 - I tried to direct message you but am on a Mac and it wouldn't let me! Wanted to thank you particularly and let you know I'm okay!

I'm super-busy at the moment (including a first date tomorrow night!) but will come back properly when I can.

Thank you all so much - you are amazing people and the entire atmosphere on this forum is so incredibly positive. I owe you all a massive debt for digging me out before I could talk to anyone else.

X

Gotta admit I was a bit thrown when the original posting date was back in January.

Glad to hear things are going well for you. I believe you made the correct decision and hope that you never find yourself starting another thread on this site. For what it's worth, it sounds like you did the right thing.

Aren't you glad you never had that baby?