SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

April I feel it in my soul...their baby is going to be a disgusting mess with him and her as genetic donors?

Actually we REALLY ought to be praying for is that the baby is colicky and screams and screams and screams all day and all night

AS for your sweet angel my prayers are for a silly beautiful little angel that will fill your heart with love and you mind with wonder. Your piece of spider egg dogshit human feces of a husband is going to bounce back and force between the two of you IF YOU ALLOW IT.

For your own strength, beauty, purpose, and destiny deny him deny him deny him deny him! He is the worst of the worst kiddo. He is NOTHING but heartache for DECADES and he will be a HORRIFIC influence on your sweet child. I hope you have found a minister or therapist. Do you have a good relationship with your family? Can you go live with them a while? What part of the country are you in...maybe someone here can help you out.

Rule #1 DO NOT CONTACT HER

Rule #2 GET AWAY FROM HIM AND NEVER LOOK BACK

Everything else will fall into place

April, I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

"You have to be open to getting your happily ever after......and sometimes our happily ever after isn't what we thought it would be."

You are going to be alright.

k9

No he won't come back and I won't allow it. We already filed for divorce. I don't think I could respect myself or my child if I forgave him (if he asked) after ten years of betrayal. I have a great family who are watching my baby right now. I am in the northeast. Connecticut to be precise. I just need people who have had this happen to them and I need to know there is light on the other side of hell. I have a therapist who I love, but dark thoughts keep creeping into my life. How will I ever find happiness again? I'm barely breathing as it is.

April I am so relieved you are blessed with a great family and a therapist. I will make you a sincere promise...You WILL be happy again. I swear to you!

[This message edited by angerisme at 2:12 PM, June 7th (Saturday)]

I really wish I thought I would eventually find happiness. I just dont see that that will EVER happen. I can't even find happiness in the baby. How can someone do this to someone else?

April, I am so sorry you are going though this. I know right now it's so hard to believe that you will ever be happy again. But you will. There is a light at the end of the tunnel even it's to faint to see right now. Please take care of yourself and your precious baby. I also live in CT (southwestern part) If there is any way I can help please let me know.

Hi theroadahead. Can you please PM me?

I really wish I thought I would eventually find happiness. I just dont see that that will EVER happen. I can't even find happiness in the baby. How can someone do this to someone else?

Sweetie, these are really early days. Very early days. You have a very young baby. Your world has been turned upside down and smashed to pieces. Your landscape is desolate and the horizon unrecognisable. Nothing is as it was. Think of it as having been hit by a tsunami.

Right now, you are in wonder that you wake up and find you are still breathing. That this tiny person so unaware of the devastation, is looking to you to sustain him. It's you and him now. That man, that apology for a human being, abandoned you and took the last plane out, knowing what was coming. How can they do this? They stuff it all into a tiny box in their heads, lock it down and hammer in a ton of nails. The flaw is in HIM, not you. He is totally self absorbed in what he wants. His life is based on lies. Yours is not. Who would you rather be? Him? Nope. OW? Hell, no. Or you? Yep, that person looking back at you in the mirror. She's the one.

How do you find happiness again? You take one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, and you get through it. You eat when you can, let the sun warm your face when it's out, let friends hug you, cry when it's all too much. Take each day and treat it as a day survived. Put it on the "I survived" pile. One day, you will feel slightly lighter, less head-achey, that the pain in your chest is easing and someone has said something to make you smile a little. And then you know you are on your way out.

Eventually, not now, not next month, possibly not even next year, but eventually, you will get to a place of indifference towards him and be at peace with yourself. It will always be HIS loss, not yours. You will be glad it was now and not years down the line.

And you will be happy again. You have shown amazing qualities in a situation most of us find truly appalling and those qualities, my dear April, will haul you out of this pit. You are recovering from being battered; you need to heal just as surely as if you had multiple bone fractures. So be kind to yourself.

The goal is to have your revenge by being successful and being happy. One day, one step at a time. It's a long road, but you will get there. I promise you will.

I really wish I thought I would eventually find happiness. I just dont see that that will EVER happen.

April, please read this, I'll comment at the end.

“The perception is that older people don’t get divorced,” says researcher Susan L. Brown, PhD, a professor of sociology at Bowling Green State University in Ohio.

She’s discovered that they do – and in growing numbers. From 1980 to 2008, she found, divorce among men 65 and older doubled from 5 to 10 percent. Among women 65 and and older, it tripled, from 4 to 12 percent.

In 2010, 1 of every 20 people in the US who got divorced was 65-plus, Brown has found, using Census Bureau data.

The trend for senior divorce isn’t nearly as strong as it is among Baby Boomers age 50 to 64, whose divorce rate is more than four times that of those 65-plus. Still, those seniors are a substantial part of the what’s being called the “gray divorce” trend. And these splits can take family and friends by surprise.

http://seniorplanet.org/gray-divorce-splitting-up-at-65-plus/

Did you see those ages? 50 to 65+, though I take disagreement with the author since I just turned 66 a week ago and I AM a Baby Boomer. The point is if all the gray generation people can see hope for the future, via whatever it is they hope to achieve once they are divorced (some reasons in the article), although it doesn't seem like it now, you will see happiness again. And I'm guessing sooner, then later, as you continue to bond with your baby.

One more thing, can't remember if it was mentioned, do see your OB-GYN or Primary Care doctor..not just for STD testing, but do let them know what you are going through so they can watch or help you with any postpartum depression. This is nothing to play around with, some women can go into postpartum psychosis & some women never really recover w/o treatment.

It WILL get better for you, but there's no easy way around it, we just get through it, day by day & you will too...make that another mantra you repeat to yourself. Best wishes.

Thank you all for your kind words-- I know it doesnt seem like it is helping me, because I am still do down, but they really are. Some words are even moving me to tears. The saddest part of this all, is that I dont even want to see my child. It reminds me of him, and how happy I (me alone) was when I found out I was pregnant. I love my child, but I just can't right now. That makes me such a bad person.

No. You are not a bad person. You are someone who is going through a severe trauma and crisis. You are blameless and your baby is completely blameless. There are always going to be reminders of your WH, but this baby is going to be the product of YOU. If you had chosen to have a baby by donor to bring us as a single woman, you could tick all the boxes for your requirements, but there would be no real guarantees regarding the genetic make up for the father’s 50% contribution. Your WH is almost irrelevant to your son at the moment. You are 100% of his world.

Love and bonding develop over time. And that is what will happen here. Love can be a choice. Be amazed at this tiny person, be amazed at yourself and what your body had produced. This perfectly formed little human. You can give him unconditional love and he will not judge you for it. And he’s all yours – if you want him.

If you were to have your brain studied, it would show emotional areas lit up when you are shown a picture of your child. Or when you hear a baby cry. Even if you don’t feel it consciously, you are subconsciously. The bond is there, and it will grow.

Your baby is yours to nurture and turn into the person you would like him to be. He may look like his father, but he will also look like you. It’s what’s inside that counts, not the wrapping on the outside.

We have health visitors in the UK, a trained specialist who takes over from the midwife and is around for the first months and years of a baby’s life, does all the weighing, inoculations and checks and also makes sure the mother is okay. Do you have anything like that where you are? If not, please make sure you tell someone how you are feeling. Tell your doctor or talk to a paediatric nurse or a therapist with experience of baby/mother bonding. See your son. The more time you spend with him and care for him, the more you will bond. And then you will want to see and be with him.

Everything you are going through is normal. Please remember that you have been traumatised and most likely, you are still suffering from shock. Shock will often shut down some emotional areas just so you can survive. But you will heal. Slowly but surely, you will heal. Your son will be the best thing to come out of all of this. Give yourself time. And see a professional to get some help.

Hugs hon. (((((April)))))

[This message edited by UKgirl at 3:23 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]

Hi April,

Oh how my heart breaks for you.

I went through something very similar as you 12 years ago. XH was a cop, a liar, probable sociopath, serial cheater, lived a double life, pathalogical liar, secretly had OC with his OW. I was blindsided. (It's in my profile)

I know exactly how you feel. Hurt, stunned, shellshocked, numb, angry, and many other emotions all wrapped up together. It's horrible.

Get to your Dr. & get on some antideprssants ASAP. That was the only way I got through it.

I know I'm painting this crazy picture of their relationship but he risked everything for her.

If yours is anything like mine was, he wasn't risking anything. These types don't think like you or I do. They don't value family, marriage, values or morality or fear the loss of these things. They are only thinking of THEMSELVES and their own personal gratification. They're like animals guided by instinct, rather than any moral compass.

You will get past this. It will take time, and it's going to hurt for a long time. Take hold of that anger and use it to get you through the next year. Get yourself into therapy. It will help and you will heal much faster.

You WILL find love again. And the next time it will be right and wonderful. Your life will go on to be happy and stable.

His will continue to be a train-wreck.

He wants nothing to do with me, so that's good, however, I have been made to feel so guilty for giving up on my marriage with a newborn... I think 100% of the people on here would have done the same thing as I am doing now... right?!? Ugh.

UKgirl and sadtoo, thank you so much for all your kind words. I truly cannot express my gratitude for finding such wonderful people on this board.

.....I have been made to feel so guilty for giving up on my marriage with a newborn...

Who ever is making you feel this way, STOP listening to them. If it is your parents, they are more likely worried about you being a single mom, and probably still shell shocked like you. If it's a "friend".....well, let's just say misery loves company. I found that my "friends" who encouraged me to stay with my XH (and knew the facts) were either miserable in their own marriages or were really more "friends" with XH and feeding him details from my camp.

Plus, remind these people that there wasn't a marriage to "give up on."

I agree-- it was actually a co-worker. She was like omg you have a new baby, you can't get divorced... I know damn well i can handle being a single mother, and the house would be more broken with him in it, then him out of it. I dont think people think sometimes. I think my decision is the only respectable one,and I hate to have doubts right now.

Like I said, don't listen to stupid people. You are doing the right thing.

I just wish they didn't make me feel bad for doing this. WTF is wrong with people? It wasn't a ONS, it was a fucking serious relationship with someone else! I am so angry right now, it's 930AM where I am, and I need wine. I want to strangle him.

He moved in with OW right away, didn't he? Tell those stupid people to go talk to his girlfriend whom he is living with now and tell her that you and WH can't get a divorce.

About 5 days after he moved in with her... and now they are happily expecting a CHILD! Yeah, I have tried to protect him, and gave people just the basics, but he doesnt deserve my attention. I am still ashamed that this happened to me. I guess that';s another reason I am being evasive about it.

Awww, April, sweetie, he is the one that needs to bear the shame. He is most likely a flaming narcissist so he won't, of course. (((April)))

I certainly hope you aren't feeling compassion for OW any longer. She stomped all over you, squashed you, blew up your world to get what she wanted. To destroy another human being for your selfish goals is inexcusable and deserves no compassion.