SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have a feeling if you get a look at her phone, you'll find there has been plenty of contact between them since she agreed to no contact. I hope I'm wrong because I truly want you to find peace. I just don't get a good feeling from this woman in terms of feeling any real remorse. At the very least, I think you should be on high alert in the future in case they take it underground.

Oh. That's some serious"stuff". I was thinking pair of shoes and a bracelet type of deal. Man. LOL. yeah. Go get the stuff.

To CuckNo: yes, I totally agree with you. I am still on high alert. I would be VERY surprised if she has called him already to end it. But you never know. I honestly expected her to be fine with the divorce on Sunday night and for us all to not even be having these conversations. So who knows at this point.

No remourse = no reconciliation.

Seems like no future with this guy but.......

What about someone else? She shacks up with this guy and she doesn't seem like it was a big deal?

Needs std testing, transparency. She's got an ATV over at his place. I'm not getting something?????

NC letter is sent by you or you verify the call she just doesn't get to say she did it.

Cheaters lie, hide, deny

Full transparency with everything. Phone, PC, etc.

You don't have control at this point you have nothing

To CuckNo: yes, I totally agree with you. I am still on high alert. I would be VERY surprised if she has called him already to end it. But you never know. I honestly expected her to be fine with the divorce on Sunday night and for us all to not even be having these conversations. So who knows at this point.

She did explain that to you, though. She doesn't want to be a single mom.

Destroyed,

First, you need to be congratulated big time. It does not even sound remotely like the person who arrived here the other night.

That being said, I think you are on the right track but getting a little ahead of yourself.

I don't think your wife is that fucked up mentally as she is being given credit for. That gives her too much cover and excuse.

She is a 40 year old woman who had problems in her marriage ( like everyone does), and is attractive enough to have caught the attention of some 25 year old or whatever who was in the right place at the right time.

She did it because she wanted to, was having fun, and she got away with it for a while.

Yes therapy may help but that is not going to be a one or two time thing and poof she is fixed, and you need to take a breath and make sure the "bleeding" is stopped ( meaning she is not going underground or continuing) way before you start trying to "cure"her.

This forum is littered with WS who sit in MC or IC and then go out and break NC or worse before they even get home.

You can check her phone, but even if you do not find a ton of crap there are tons of other ways to fool you unless you stay ahead of her. i think others have told you she is a cheater, which means she is a liar also.

I guess one thing to your advantage is that she has been openly "dating" for four months so you had kind of gotten conditioned to knowing what she was doing.

my suggestion to you my friend is to go ahead and file for divorce. it does not happen immediately and if she then does not meet your requirements for a decent shot at reconciliation you are then not back at square one.

And lastly, before you stop the divorce, I would tell her she is taking a polygraph and if she fails it she is out the door.

If you just let her walk back in there, pick up her stuff, and HOPE she will not go underground i think you are taking a big chance.

i do not think I have to remind you that a very short time ago she was going away for three day week ends with her boyfriend without a care in the world. Not a great candidate for instant expenditures on therapy until you have some clue that it is really over for a while.

There are so many red flags and warning signs in what you are telling us it would take forever to point them all out. Long story short... I don't think you are seeing remorse here. And as many, many folks have now told you... No remorse = no reconciliation.

I get the feeling you are merely headed in to a hellish limbo until the next time she finds different options. Be very, very careful here...

Best of luck to you...

Not much time to comment...but you might wanna (or not) look at my threads linked in my profile. My ex went head over heels for a douchbag in his early 20's too...I'm seeing some other concerning similarities in your situation as well.

Honestly a whole lot of this thread reads like my old ones...including you taking the foot off the gas (seemingly) after your chat with her.

Don't get played brother !!!

She is still OK with the divorce. She is just stalling you. This is how it goes. Every time you give an inch, she will take a mile. YOU had to bring up about her ending it. She would just forget about it if you did. She will fight tooth and nail and drag her feet. I could see this a mile away.

She will stop with him when you file for divorce. She will start back up with him when you drop the divorce filing. That is why you must file and let it move forward until after you have some time since the no contact happens. If you think that she will just stop the affair based on your threat alone, you are sadly mistaken.

There is some wacky stuff here. She said she didn't want a marriage or family Sunday, but she's got a 15-year old?

She had an affair in your face. That alone is bonkers. Went away in your face on Mother's Day weekend. And is surprised this would be a problem and that you might divorce?

I nominate her for worst cheater for 2016.

Then says she could only be with the 21 other man only for 2 weeks tops? Why? She doesn't have to marry him, all she has to do is screw him. Why would she even say it can't last any more no matter what happens in the marriage? She's been doing it for 4 months and just had a wonderful weekend away with him. Why must it end even if you divorce her? That makes no sense to me.

I am afraid to ask. Did she pay for the weekend away with the boy?

She works part time, but she is too busy to think? How could that be?

The ATV and trailer should be sold.

When you were drinking, did you do something that now makes it feel your fault? I can't fathom you could put up with it otherwise.

All that said, you have made HUGE strides from last week. Truly you are on your way to fixing this problem one way or another, despite a few missteps.

Cheaters like her only need actions. The analogy if a real accident vs. a close call is apropos.

About her lying...please know that even the most remorseful wayward spouses do at first. My wife was super remorseful yet still lied about No Contact.

With the way your wife has played this, be on your toes. She's not remorseful so she would be doing NC for you, not because she gets it and understands why it's important. Don't trust and verify.

And as for the No Contact. She should not be calling him to do this. You have her sit down and write a No Contact email, that is to be proofread and approved by you before it is sent.

It should be short and to the point. NO GOODBYE'S. NO I WILL MISS YOU'S. It should say she no longer wants to see him or hear from him. That she is working to save her marriage and she wants no further contact with him.

After you get her to write that No Contact email and it is sent. You need to tell her you want full access to her phone and computer with all pins and passwords to ensure No Contact is maintained. These two things are non-negotiable.

You seem to have a game plan in place. But to be honest I will be shocked if you are able to R with her. With her actions she couldn't really care about you and your family. Saying she thought at one point she didn't want to be a wife and mother anymore. And her actions back that up, where was she at Mother's Day? She was spending a weekend with her lover, and didn't give a damn that you knew exactly where she was and what she was doing. Even called you on the phone that weekend like everything was perfectly alright.

If you want to attempt R that is fine, we will all advise you the best we can to achieve that if possible. But as the others have said, keep your eyes open. Because as blatant as she has been about being with this guy, I can't see her breaking off with him.

Destroyed,

I'll just chime in on more time here. When you first posted the advice was pretty unanamous on what you should do ( file or at least see a lawyer). It took a very short time and you took the advice.

Same thing here. Some guys a lot more experienced than me and me have told you virtually the same thing in different words.

You are no where near out of the woods here just because she moves back in and gets her shit back from his house.

You listened well the last time. My suggestion is you do it again.

I just received the following text from her out of the blue. Thus was totally unprovoked by me. I've been practicing the 180 for a long time now (weeks really) and haven't contacted her once today.

So I'm down with going to therapy. I don't know how I got here but I am sincerely sorry. I am a lying cheating POS and I'm so sorry. I've got some changes to make and I'm working on figuring all this out. I don't know how I ended up in this spot in life but I'm going to get out of it. I have disrespected you and I'm sorry.

I want to impress on you all how huge this is. She is a very reserved person and doesn't say these kind of things lightly. I'm not saying that I'm out of the woods or that everything is roses. I'm fucking shocked to be honest. I just wanted to keep you all posted on the drama that is my life.

Destroyed,

I think the fact that you grew a backbone after her 3-day vacation with OM (an impressive 180 shift in attitude on your part!) and said enough is enough on Sunday shocked her, and that she's likely buying more time...the "i don't know's" reflect that she never thought she'd be forced to own the consequences of her A.

I agree that you should get your ATV and trailer yourself, granted that will not loose your self-control if OM provokes you - easier said than done. Take a friend along to help you with this.

I also live in AK btw

edit: wrote this prior to reading your post above

[This message edited by dra108 at 4:56 PM, May 10th (Tuesday)]

I've heard that you can have a police escort you to get the "stuff" from his place. It's not like you are going to need to be there long, just grab the keys and go. I would do this soon so she has no reason to ever contact him again.

So has she sent the NC letter? She should know that you would like to read it first. if she says she already sent it make sure you read what she sent... You don't want it to be one of those..."our time wasnt' right, I'm sorry but we can't be together now..." type of letters.

DestroyedOne

I just received the following text from her out of the blue. Thus was totally unprovoked by me. I've been practicing the 180 for a long time now (weeks really) and haven't contacted her once today.

So I'm down with going to therapy. I don't know how I got here but I am sincerely sorry. I am a lying cheating POS and I'm so sorry. I've got some changes to make and I'm working on figuring all this out. I don't know how I ended up in this spot in life but I'm going to get out of it. I have disrespected you and I'm sorry.

I want to impress on you all how huge this is. She is a very reserved person and doesn't say these kind of things lightly. I'm not saying that I'm out of the woods or that everything is roses. I'm fucking shocked to be honest. I just wanted to keep you all posted on the drama that is my life.

You should agree with what she said. She needs to know and understand what she's done.

Stay strong and expect her to own her actions. That's what's gotten you where you are. Don't forget it.

Mandatory STD testing. You don't know where this kid has been. I wouldn't go near her until she's cleared.

[This message edited by Marc878 at 4:53 PM, May 10th (Tuesday)]

That was a good text, good news, nothing bad. But she still has to end all contact tonight. After all, as good as the words were, it is just words. ACTIONS matter.

At some point when you become convinced there is some level of remorse you start to help. Cautiously, and making sure you protect yourself.

What is the next step you would like to see from her? Suggest it to her.