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I disagree that the two of you should word her posts together. When,and if,she posts, the words,feelings, thoughts need to come from her. Just as your posts need to come from you. You get your own support and advice,and she gets her own.

I also disagree that you should read the replies she gets,with the intention of making sure no one is being hurtful or negative. First, the wayward forum is heavily moderated. It is protected. If anyone is being mean,the mods shut it down really fast. And some responses might be negative. Infidelity is negative. It doesn't negate the advice. And she's a big girl. She managed to have a nearly two year affair without your help. She managed to lie to you about it for twenty years. Without your assistance. She can seek help without you interfering and being her protector.

Have you always Vern her knight in shining armor? Or is this a new development since dday?

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:05 PM, September 15th (Friday)]

Oops! I didn't see that part... I completely agree with HellFire here;

I disagree that the two of you should word her posts together. When,and if,she posts, the words,feelings, thoughts need to come from her. Just as your posts need to come from you. You get your own support and advice,and she gets her own.

This is why a lot of people are suggesting IC for you and your wife Jimmy. You both need to work on yourselves. That doesn't mean that you aren't going to be working together too. But if you only concentrate on the 'we' and not the 'I' - I fear you may hit trouble ahead as you get further into reconciliation.

I suppose that I do not have to worry too much about fixing my marriage. At first finding out about my wife's affair I was devastated and all that I wanted to do was save my perfect, match made in heaven, marriage. After many discussions with my wife I have came to the conclusion that I was living in a alter-reality. My perfect marriage that I thought was straight out of a fairy tale, come to find out was not so special. We had problems, apparently major problems.

My soulmate, my match made in heaven, the one that has my back, the girl of my dreams, was just that, a dream. I had said many times to her that if it were not for me she would have been a nun. So perfect, so lady like, I had no idea that she was her own person that would go out and get a stud just for sex.

Then there is me. I thought of myself as caring, loving, crazy about my wife, and I tried hard to provide for my family. In actuality I am a overbearing, railroading (I will not let my wife talk), dictator like, materialistic (I do like nice things) ass whole.

There is nothing in my life that is actually the way that I saw it only 60 days ago.

So the marriage that I was hell bent on fixing never really existed. You can't fix something that does not exist. I suppose it has made things a little easier for me because I thought fixing it was going to be hard to do. That is off my plate now.

Jimmy, I read most of your posts and I believe you are spiraling right now. I think you need to take a time out before you make any decisions that might have long term impacts (including the I'll advised visit to the POSOM). Can you get away to clear your head? Go fishing, hunting, hiking, golfing, whatever... just leave town for a few days. Maybe you can take a buddy with you? You need to decompress and give headspace to something other than the A and OM.

You seem to be all over the place right now and you need to have better footing to make decisions that are in your long term best interest. Don't let your W's shitty decision rule the rest of your life due to how you feel so soon after D day:

So, your M may not have been perfect like you thought. That is still no reason for your W to cheat. Your W could have and should have brought your supposed shortcomings to your attention years ago if they were so bad. I think your W may be rewriting things somewhat to self-justify the affair. That is not what a remorseful person does. You may need to D, but not for the reasons you currently think. You've had your W on a pedestal. She doesn't deserve one and may not even want.

I find this odd. My wife told me that she and her affair partner were out of town on an errand and they were going to go to a motel while they were gone. My wife asked him if he had a condom and he did not. So, they did NOT go to a motel. No sex! Figure that out for me. Young, healthy, having an affair, had the opportunity, and the lack of a condom stopped it. They could have gone to a close drugstore and bought some easily. They had the time and chance to have sex, but it did not happen. He did not offer to buy them and neither did she. Does that make sense to anyone? She has told me that she liked the attention and conversation and could have done without the sex.

[This message edited by Jimmy1962 at 6:23 AM, November 8th (Wednesday)]

You do realize that waywards that want R but haven't found true remorse yet, they will say whatever they think you need to hear, right?

And you think two horny adults will go to a motel and read a book and just hold hands?

Seriously is very doubtful

Then there is me. I thought of myself as caring, loving, crazy about my wife, and I tried hard to provide for my family. In actuality I am a overbearing, railroading (I will not let my wife talk), dictator like, materialistic (I do like nice things) ass whole.

Are these her words?

Jimmy,

Why go to a motel to just talk? They could have done that in a coffee shop. Also, there are plenty of things they could do that would not have required a condom. Beyond that, did your wife think that going to a motel and not doing anything with another man has some redeeming quality? She should not have bought a pack of chewing gum with that POS, let alone been going to motels with him, whether for sex or to play checkers.

She has told me that she liked the attention and conversation and could have done without the sex.

So she cheated with a six foot seven handsome cop who was trying to bang every woman in town because he was a great conversationalist??? Okay......That makes perfect sense......No re-writing of history to try and elevate her motivations going on there, then!

Hello, In my opinion, the fact that this happened more then 20 years ago is the most devastating part of story. It means that the last 20 years have been a lie. If you're wife truly loves you it should been hard for her to keep these lies up. Probably it is a relief for her that she told this. But she should have keeped it a secret and swallow the guilt instead of coming clean afterall these years. If she truly loves you she would kept this a secret because she would now what pain it would inflict to you. She and only she should have carried the pain and guilt from her infidility. Also she maybe kept this a secret for so long because mayby a younger you would immediately divorced her. And being in the same business and with young kids means she had a lot to lose. Hope you get trough this and find peace again.

I just re-read my last post. I could not understand why you guys are reacting the way you have. I MADE A TYPO! I left out a little word! The word NOT! My wife did NOT go to a motel. It's the little things!

They did not go to a motel. They were going to go to a motel, but since no condom, my wife did not drive there. They could have worked it in to her running her errand but instead she went back to work.

[This message edited by Jimmy1962 at 6:26 AM, November 8th (Wednesday)]

Jimmy,

I'm so sorry that you find yourself here!! I, too, believe that you have a good chance of R, but it will take a lot of work on her part and a lot of fortitude on your part. If you haven't already, read in the Healing Library and look at the process that healing requires. Like the stages of grief, they do not follow a linear pattern but are all over the place and sometimes more than one at a time!

As for those telling you that you don't need all the details, well, there are those who do and those who don't. Everyone is different. There are some who don't WANT the details even when the spouse is open and willing. Then there are those, who, like me, NEEDED every single detail there was to know. Yes! The pain of hearing it is awful, but over a few days, I was able to process the information and let it fall into it's slot of where it fit in the narrative. It also kept me from wondering. In the long run, not knowing was far worse than knowing. I found out that my imagination was way more creative than they ever were.

Another thing I found out about having all the details was that, even years down the road, being able to talk about and/or ask again and getting the same answer relieved my mind.

So if you need the answers, by golly, demand the answers! And the fact that she is willing to give them goes a long way in showing remorse.

I will be very candid here and say that H being with OW, emotionally and physically, really paled in comparison to the lies. That is what took the longest to get over.

My thoughts are with you. This is one of, if not THE hardest thing to ever walk through!!!

That is odd. They had sex other times, so why would telling a story about one missed opportunity be noteworthy? A few guesses as to why she might be saying this:

1. The number of times is important to you and this is one way to reduce that.

2. You've made a point of saying how she risked disease/pregnancy, and this is a way to say she can counter that argument.

3. You've might have an issue about bodily fluids inside her, and this is a way to 'prove' to you that that didn't happen.

Many couples try desperately to find a magic fix to minimize and make the worst bits go away. That's how this reads.

Are you in IC?

If I had to take a guess and that is all this is it would be that your wife has told you she wasn't in it for the sex. She at that point was probably feeling guilty about the affair and I would suspect her affair partner knew this. He needed to keep the emotional bond between them going so he did not push the issue that day. She may not have seemed eager about stopping at a store and maybe it was just a "sign' that it wasn't happening that day.

It's so hard getting stuck on the details. I know this and almost anything can put me in a tailspin. I'd ask her what her opinion of that day is. She was there. Also, because she is the one that told you about the affair I suspect she is being honest with you. Some of it doesn't make sense because the affair itself doesn't make sense.

To add a little bit of clarity to my last two posts. Three months ago my wife told me about her affair, and gave me many details. She had told me about once she had to run out of town on an errand and he went with her, on that trip they talked and there was no sex. She told me that story three months ago. She also told me that on the trip while she ran the errand, she had to do business with a store that was in a mall, he went into the food court to wait for her while she did her business. When she came back to meet him he had eaten without her. She said that she was hungry and she would have ate with him, but he ate without her and did not even ask her if she was hungry. She said she could tell how little she meant to him. But she did not love him either.

Yesterday I asked her since they were out of town, they were together, they had plenty of time and the opportunity, why did they not have sex? That is when she said they would have, except he did not have a condom. I believe that she may have been aggravated by his total lack of consideration and just drove back. He did not offer to buy condoms and she did not either.

[This message edited by Jimmy1962 at 1:48 PM, November 8th (Wednesday)]

That's one cheap ass POSOM. Won't by a condom or her lunch.

That's one cheap ass POSOM. Won't by a condom or her lunch

Neither of them ever spent a quarter on the other. He did however pay for the motel rooms.

Of course, he just used her.

So her marriage meant so little to her she had meaningless sex for the attention?

OM was just taking what she was giving away.

Is her pedestal crumbling now?

Marz

So her marriage meant so little to her she had meaningless sex for the attention?

OM was just taking what she was giving away.

Is her pedestal crumbling now?

We went to a busy mall over the weekend. I have always felt that there are people and then there is us. I can't explain it, but I have always felt like we are different. We are not like other people, we are special, not elite, not better than anyone else, just different. For the first time in my life, while walking in the busy mall, I realized that I am nothing special. I did not feel that my wife and I were any different than anyone else in the mall. We were just two people out of hundreds. It did not make me sad or any other emotion, but I really felt that specialness was gone. I guess I had us both on a pedestal. I am more like in a hole now. My new reality.

[This message edited by Jimmy1962 at 8:48 AM, November 14th (Tuesday)]