SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's not about being a warden. It's about no longer tolerating the enormous disrespect she's shown you.

Yup, this!

I made sure my wife knew going into R that I expected her to stay within the boundaries I needed to stay in the M...if she chooses not to, then I will choose not to stay in the M.

Make sure your WW knows this too.

These odd behaviors and comments your WW is engaging in are simply damage control, not remorse by any stretch of the imagination. Of course she is stressed. You have recently stated that infidelity is a deal breaker and she has reason to believe you are onto her. That cushy lifestyle and reputation in that small town is at serious risk.

Not that this helps, but it is highly unlikely she would ditch you mid-dance for the OM if he weren't such. Devious my ass. Might as well say the devil tricked me into it. All those phone calls... Yes there's the OW, with whom she's on a fun weekend with. But i'd be shocked if the OM hasn't been there, and for some reason that's more of a deal breaker (for me at least).

It might be worthwhile to see if you can get her drunk and then do some questioning. Easy at first pretending to buy into the bullshit narrative of cheating is no big deal then tightening the screws...

Then again maybe not. It's so difficult to put on this type of front. Remember that you gave her all you could, a good life, and she's screwing other people because she's bored. For the nonce let that smoldering coal give you an inner strength.

Anyway enough about them. How about you? Are you taking care of yourself? Getting food and sleep? These are difficult times. I went to a counselor every week to get coping strategies. Also how about that attorney consult? Divorce is not the end of the world my friend. I feel from what you've said that this is your endpoint here. Best get on with that. Seriously, you will be better prepared if you've seen an attorney before switching to confront mode.

Update- WW has been texting me all day saying how much she loves me ( which I actually believe) and how I am her world. She called a few minutes ago saying that she is upset and hates being around these people that they are not good people and she is so sorry she went on the trip that she should be home with me and the family. She got upset when I told her she should cut back on her drinking and hung up on me. I was very sympathetic and listened to her, but she didn't like me telling her the right thing to do. We texted afterwards and she apologized for hanging up on me, said she is just really depressed.

I am unsure if this a ploy or she is starting to implode. I truely believe that my WW got caught up with these miscreants and their swing lifestyle. I am making a change and cutting these people completely out of my life. Just a bunch of spoiled bored rich kids. They are caddy and selfish totally devoid of morals much like alcoholics encouraging each other to drink. WW said that her and my only friend in this group were going to hangout and make an early night of it. This will not change my resolve, I have a plan and will work my plan. That said I do love my wife and will do what I have to do to keep her safe. Crazy night

"I'm going to cut these people completely out of my life."

Sadly, this should have been done earlier, as part of marital boundaries.

As they say, hindsight always offer perfect vision.

Nevertheless, stay the course with the investigation. Past behavior is always predictive of........

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 11:34 PM, September 22nd (Friday)]

I think it likely that it is both a ploy and she is starting to sweat. I see the possibility of you gaining the upper hand for a while. Her reputation and lifestyle is at risk. Oh and she loves you and wants to come home. Now that the bar is closing and the lights are on.

"Caught up in it all" for how long? Right. Check the phone records. Again, damage control on her part. Notice how she hung up on you? Disrespect, yet again. Then back to smoothing things over... She's conflicted because the affair has no future but is fun, you are supportive but not exciting (reliable and supportive isn't exciting, sorry to say. Many of us here have that T-shirt).

I'll put it out there that people do polygraphs to try to get clarification and information from a recalcitrant WS that still wants to reconcile. She might be a good candidate if she feels all is lost otherwise. You will have to be deceptive here. People have parkng lot confessions prior to the appointment all the time.

[This message edited by antlered at 10:24 PM, September 22nd (Friday)]

There's a reason that Vegas advertises the slogan "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." It sells the opportunity to be someone other than your normal self. A way to get out of your normal routine. Let your wild side loose! Don't worry, because when you come back to reality no one will know what REALLY went on in Vegas.

So...I hope you did hire that PI. Something happened...or is happening. If she says she is with her "only" friend then your PI will have proof...or at least proof it was just a cover story as he/she shows you pics of your WW and the OW hand in hand with a bottle of wine staring off into that Napa valley sunset. At the least, your PI will also have proof of her excess drinking, her expressions and behavior as she is around those other women. If she really is as uncomfortable as she claims there will be visible proof in picture and video. You see, these ladies, particularly the OW, are thinking "What happens in Napa, stays in Napa!"...that is unless you hired that PI. The cheaters need a safe place to cheat, hence why waywards meet their AP's in hotels, vacation spots, parking lots. They need to be out of the watchful eye of their betrayed spouse for the real fun to begin. PI's that are experienced with infidelity investigation know exactly what to look for. They are pretty good at predicting typical human cheating behavior and understand their typical cheating patterns. They've probably seen it all.

[This message edited by Jduff at 10:34 PM, September 22nd (Friday)]

Always stay emotionally ahead of the curve.

Cheating is cheating.

But assume your wife is--or has been--a swinger.

Then what?

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 11:31 PM, September 22nd (Friday)]

Sadly, this should have been done earlier, as part of marital boundaries.

As the say, hindsight always offer perfect vision.

Nevertheless, stay the course with the inestigation. Past behavior is always predictive of........

Midnight Run yes perfect vision I woulda shoulda coulda, but didn't, I avoided these people as much as I could have but she cheated because she wanted to. I will stay the course. I know that now she knows the gig is up.

I think it likely that it is both a ploy and she is starting to sweat. I see the possibility of you gaining the upper hand for a while. Her reputation and lifestyle is at risk. Oh and she loves you and wants to come home. Now that the bar is closing and the lights are on.

"Caught up in it all" for how long? Right. Check the phone records. Again, damage control on her part. Notice how she hung up on you? Disrespect, yet again. Then back to smoothing things over... She's conflicted because the affair has no future but is fun, you are supportive but not exciting (reliable and supportive isn't exciting, sorry to say. Many of us here have that T-shirt).

I'll put it out there that people do polygraphs to try to get clarification and information from a recalcitrant WS that still wants to reconcile. She might be a good candidate if she feels all is lost otherwise. You will have to be deceptive here. People have parkng lot confessions prior to the appointment all the time.

Antlered- This is why I am here, she has pounded on me for so long I don't see the obvious. Yes more disrespectful behavior. I am a tiger in business and a pussycat at home, no more.

There's a reason that Vegas advertises the slogan "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."

JDuff I get it Even I was young and wild at one time, again I will work my plan no more Mr Niceguy. PI is in place I paid for five hours a night they will call with any major findings.

Always stay emotionally ahead of the curve.

Cheating is cheating.

But assume your wife is--or has been--a swinger.

Then what?

If my wife had an affair with this guy or any guy I am done . Swing or not doesn't matter. I just want out of this madness.

Tiger in business?

Pussycat at home?

So was I and many others.

Read yhgtbkm's journey.

Napa Valley? Try Spain.

UM I like what you just said.

Divorce is at it's heart, a business deal. Research, positioning, negotiation, etc with then endpoint being an agreement on an equitable division of assets and obligations.

Approach this situation like that.

She's conflicted because the affair has no future but is fun, you are supportive but not exciting (reliable and supportive isn't exciting, sorry to say. Many of us here have that T-shirt).

Antlered- Ouch I just reread this, not exciting oh well I have been called worse. The affair won't go anywhere and she is free to go and be with him or her. I really am just done. I plan on confronting her on Monday. Proof or not this crap is affecting my work and relationship with my children. I may just call it quits regardless I know what I know.

Antlered- Yes Divorce is just another business deal terminating a business partnership. Terminating with extreme prejudice

Expect max luv bombing upon her return, just after an expression of undying love.

She's conflicted because the affair has no future but is fun, you are supportive but not exciting (reliable and supportive isn't exciting, sorry to say. Many of us here have that T-shirt).

I wear that t-shirt, Unsureman. But, you know what the back of MY t-shirt says? "My second wife cannot believe 1st wife left this much gold on the curb for any other woman to grab!

She knows something is up, She is trying to mitigate the damage. Stay the course my man. It's all BS. Believe us, we know. She didn't "find god" in the last 36 hours.

Your comment about business is great.

That's basically what the tool of the 180 is for. It's to allow you to emotionally detach so that you can give logic a chance.

Unsureman

She knows something is up, She is trying to mitigate the damage. Stay the course my man. It's all BS. Believe us, we know. She didn't "find god" in the last 36 hours.

Totally agree.

IMHO, that's why she is texting, she is not guilt or remorse, she is worry to be discovered but not enough to cut the fun, thats why she hung up.

Do you have a plan to confront?

Please take into consideration the following:

Never reveal your sources and all you know. She will try to question the will try to make your source invalid (is all made up, he is yellows, etc), and will only accep what you can prove.

She will to manipulate you. Seems like she has for a long time but hasn't understand that this was about of love and not stupidity. Dont let her!

Ask her to take a poly test. This is not about a currency of the test, this is to achieve a parking lot, out side the test place, confession.

Last thing, don't belive a thing she says, cheaters are a proven lyers...

Good luck

Good luck

UM,

Is the PI sending reports daily?

UM,

As has been suggested, one or more polygraph tests would be a good idea. If she has nothing to hide, she has nothing to fear, right?

One aspect that hardly ever gets mentioned in these forums is your will. If your will leaves everything to your wife in the event of you passing, perhaps you could change it so that the money and property goes into a trust fund for your children.

As far as her phone goes, if you are paying the bill, why not cancel the current subscription and switch to a service provider that will give your more information about what the phone is used for.

Maybe other forum members can advice about a good, transparent service provider?

In the process of getting the new phone, perhaps you can get a GPS app that can be hidden on it, so that you can see whether she really is where she says she is (well, that's not entirely the case, but you'll see where her phone was).

Can any forum members suggest a good app for that?

It would also be advisable to get a GPS tracker put on her car, again to allow you to verify her travels.

I guess the point here is that there are tools that you can use to check her honesty that do not rely on her words alone.