SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Alexis,

Contrary to your belief I’m actually one of the few people on this forum who had an extreme situation of my WHs infidelity that still managed to successfully reconcile. This happened in 2015 and although reconciliation did not happen overnight, it happened. It took 3 years of pain and tears but we made it, because I like you had the strong desire to keep my marriage together. However, all this was not a one person effort neither was it ever my decision to make. It takes two to tango in the dance of successful R, more so on the part of the WS. He has the biggest role to play in wanting to successfully reconcile by willingness to change his ways. He has to WANT to change his ways and that initiative can ONLY come from HIM. No matter how much you want to make your marriage work, you cannot make your WH want the same. He has to more than anything WANT the marriage to work. Now in your case how does your WH even begin to WANT anything different when he is not even aware that his shit has hit the fan?! He is living in perfect oblivion and has the best of both worlds, hell if I were him I probably wouldn’t want my life a different way. This is the perfect scenario for this man. He is thriving and he is in his full element - having his cake and eating it too. It’s in his DNA to cheat and lie to you and honestly at this point there is nothing that’s stopping him from continuing because things are going pretty well for him. He gets to have his hookers and no one gets to hold him accountable for it? Can he possibly ever find a more perfect scenario?! He is living his dream.

But the trouble with that is for how long will he get away with his behavior. How long before he either, meets someone he will fall head over heels in love with causing him to abandon you? Or worse still before he brings dreadful diseases back home with him, if that has not already happened since you have not taken the panel of tests. What guarantees do you have when you don’t even have a clear picture of his other life?! You have no knowledge of how deeply he is involved with these women because of cause you have chosen to turn a blind eye and do not want to investigate these issues more seriously. You refuse to install a GPS in his car or a VAR because “you are not the kind of person to get into his business because you cannot risk to make him mad”. You refuse to go through his phone while he sleeps because “some days he sleeps like a log while other days he doesn’t so God forbid he catches you in the act of snooping in his phone! You CAN NOT RISK him catching you snooping in his phone”. You refuse to confront him because “you are just not an angry person and you never want to make him unhappy or upset”. Yet this is the same person who is putting your whole life in jeopardy. Your health is quite literally on the line and one of the members here told you they lost their brother to AIDS, but all those issues present no panicked urgency to you. In fact the only thing that seems to evoke urgency in you is that you are never found to be upsetting your dear WH. It’s also ironic that you told us you found a review of one of the escorts’ clients raving about how he didn’t have to use protection “as long as he pulled out”. You are also the same person who told us “your husband does not like to use condoms”. So honestly, any person of average intelligence and reasoning capabilities can extrapolate that it is only a matter of time before terrible diseases enter your home. How you can put this man ahead of your health and your life and your emotional well-being after he consistently trashes you is beyond me. It seems to me that you have no self respecting bone left in you. Maybe you think this reluctance to face issues with him head on makes you a good and desirable person, but I’m sorry it does not. It’s actually not a good look. I could go on and on and on. But I will stop right here. All the best!

[This message edited by Restored19 at 2:04 AM, February 9th (Friday)]

It’s too early for me to get into all of this but I will say again there are steps I’ve taken and advice I have taken from others here. I DO GET TESTED EVERY SINGLE MONTH. Idk why you think I don’t. I have it set up with my doctor who I informed of the situation and now go monthly for testing, whether we have had sex or not in that time I still go (& FYI normally there’s been no sex). I don’t share every last detail. But I have looked at things and checked his car and done other investigatory actions, even though I’m uncomfortable about it sometimes. Just because I don’t post everything doesn’t mean I haven’t. Lastly we are going to start marriage counseling which he agreed to. He’s not stupid, I know he knows exactly why I want to go and he didn’t have any problems agreeing to going. When we start going I will absolutely be confronting him. I feel more comfortable doing it with a therapist present.

Anyway I’m too tired to go on about this and reply to everything you commented on. Thank you for your concern and I’m glad your marriage worked out for you. That’s nice to hear and I’m truly happy for you.

But the purpose of this board is getting out of infidelity. It is not how to make you feel better while living with a serial cheater.

^^^Hit the nail on the head.

Sometimes members might be blunt, but usually they are spot on.

I cannot imagine going to my MD every.single.month to be tested.

Your WH has probably been hooking up with hookers for years, somehow you have this fantasy that going to marriage counseling is going to stop his behavior.

I'm really sad for you. Truly. Sad bc you are afraid to speak up. Sad bc you are willing to sacrifice your health and emotional well being for a man who has absolutely no respect for you. Sad bc you've been living in this nightmare for almost a decade, living in denial, and not a thing has changed.

[This message edited by annb at 6:35 AM, February 9th (Friday)]

Ok thank you for your advice and thoughts everyone. You can keep using this thread if you’d like but I’m no longer going to post here in this specific thread. It’s become counterproductive, hurtful, judgemental and I’m just done with this thread....

Thank you.

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