SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

To tell the truth - I have stayed off of the boards for months - because whenever I feel compelled to respond to a poster - there is NOMERCY - summarizing and expressing EXACTLY what I would have said.

Jeepers........

Maybe you should do us all a favour

@CanNotBelieve

I’m well aware and well versed in psychology and very much know what a Martyr Complex is, and no I do not have the in plain English wording “Victim Complex”. I’m not trying to avoid any responsibilities by any means and am taking steps at my own pace to handle the situation the BEST I CAN. It may not be how you would handle it or others but I’m taking my own steps. In my short time here there are things I’ve come to realize and that I’ve learned. Not anything I need to explain to you because I’ve already explained it here and you seem to already have me diagnosed.

As for my children, I’ve kindly requested they not be brought into this if you read this thread you’d know that and IF I have girls or even if I have boys I can assure you they’re VERY well cared for and under no circumstances have seen me upset, not even Once. My kids are my world and bring me nothing but joy. They’re happy, healthy, well rounded, straight A students with great personalities and we are very close. I will not go further with this....

I also don’t need you or anyone to feel sorry for me. I came here to talk with others who’ve been through this or are going through this. I did not come here to be diagnosed or told I shouldn’t be a mother of girls and so on.... I didn’t think that this site was for diagnosing others because they do things differently, handle things differently or respond differently. My understanding is this is a place or community of people who understand and are kind and understanding. A safe place for people to talk. Not be made to feel they’re going to be diagnosed and all the other things you said.

Anyway, I’m grateful for those who’ve been so kind and understanding with me & you know who you are and I’m grateful. From the bottom of my heart.

Well, that’s that.

~ Alexis

So you can stand up for yourself. What stops you from doing that with your husband? Just something to think about.

Sudra makes a good point. Something to take into consideration.

Alexis is not connected or invested to any of us here, of course she can stand up for herself. She is processing and trying to accept the painful fact that she's been oppressed, probably for years by the person she loves most. Allow her to process and try to build up, not tear down. I hear a woman trying to understand, that isn't anywhere close to running to the lawyer. That's ok, it's your journey Alexis. I was shocked at the betrayal, tried to gloss it over and carry on, played the pick me game because I had lost my worth and value along the way. My suggestion is that you get in IC and find your strength, then move into MC. It's important that you prioritize yourself. Hang in there and keep moving forward. You'll find your way.

My comment was not in any way meant to tear Alexis down. Alexis, if you took it that way I apologize. I was quite pleased to read your last post on this thread. It showed me that you are stronger than you think.

T/j. Hopefuljourney, I did not tear Alexis down. I simply saw an area for potential growth and pointed it out. You suggested counseling, i suggested introspection. Both are valid.

Alexis, I simply want to encourage some growth. Exploring your interactions with your WS and how they are different from your interactions with others seems logical to me. Of course, I am no therapist.

[This message edited by sudra at 8:07 AM, February 3rd (Saturday)]

Let me address this...

Yes of course I can stand up for myself and others. I’m quite good at it. The only weakness I have is when it comes to by WH. I believe I explained this very early on, but here goes again....

Through my sessions in IC I have figured out that when I stopped sticking up for myself for the most part when it comes to my WH stems back 9 years ago when I caught him paying to be a member of that desperate housewives dot com site. I had just had our second baby not even two months earlier and I immediately printed out the evidence I found. (Now mind you I was not looking for evidence. I accidentally came across it. I never even suspected anything was wrong or going on. From what I could gather it looked like he had just recently joined and he hadn’t actually met with anyone yet). But anyway I printed out the info and immediately drove to his work and demanded he come outside to my car. I chucked all the printed evidence I had on his lap and I was angry as hell and crying hysterically. He denied it. He told me some bs about someone stole his card and he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want me freaked out. I’m not an idiot and I knew it was crap especially considering the password he used which I used to access the site and I got right in and the profile described him perfectly. If someone actually stole his card they wouldn’t know his weird password or eye color or hair color or job or education and so on. Anyway he denied it as I said and he was at work and they needed him back in there. So I told him we’d discuss it afterwards. Well he came home from work and I was just quiet about it. I had a newborn and a 2 year old I was caring for and long story short I just shut down. It took me 6 months to bring it up again and talk to him about what that did to me and how I felt and so on. He still didn’t admit it but I felt stronger just having finally let it all out. He said nothing. No apologies. No anything but I felt at the time that at least he knew how I felt and how badly he hurt me and so on. After that things changed. He was home on time or even early everyday. We talked more. We connected more. It was simply wonderful. It lasted a few years. We were extremely happy.

But anyway I think that after that happened i just have struggled with confronting him this time because I’m scared of the what if’s. I’m not one that likes confrontation. I don’t want to fight with him or anyone. I fear he will deny it even with evidence. I have a bad habit when it comes to him of shutting down the second that I sense he’s defensive or whatever. These are things I am working through right now in IC and I’m going at my pace, where I am comfortable. I’ve been through a lot in my life and those things have also affected how I handle things like this.

You guys don’t know everything about me and only know what I share here so I’m asking that you try to be understanding of me and know that I am making progress. Maybe it’s slow but that’s the best I can do right now. I’m by no means asking to be diagnosed by people here or told what a bad mom I am if I have daughters. Just understand that everyone has been through things in their lives and that those also can affect other areas of their lives. I do hear all of you and I do hear your advice and I do appreciate it all and have even taken some of it and will take more of it as I move forward in this journey. I just don’t wish to be diagnosed and so on like I was yesterday by the other member here.

Anyway I must go. Busy day with my kiddos.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for your support as well.

~ Alexis

I am sorry you are here and I really hope you start taking some of the advice that has been given. Things are not just magically going to get better. He is not just going to stop on his own. How will you or your children feel if he is arrested for this and it's all made public?

[This message edited by hummingbird8 at 10:05 AM, February 3rd (Saturday)]

Alexis Im always impressed by the clear and concise and telling way you write. You surely have a talent for conveying, for communicating about very serious and heartfelt matters. I enjoy reading your posts even knowing the discomfort you are in because despite your anguish you so clearly and poignantly convey yourself --you let us get to know you and I think that's very special.

I've really nothing more to say other than to once again invite you to join us in the EI group. It's very friendly, very kind, very supportive. Just very smart but also very gentle people there. Not sure how this came about--surely there were no special rules to rule out 2x4ing--nothing said again speaking judgmentally and harshly in the name of concern and honesty but it's turned out just that way.

We mostly just listen and chat. I think you might find it helpful. Of course you can be in as many groups as you wish and you are totally free to respond in any group--being in EI doesn't preclude any other either as OP or responding poster but it is a more gentle option.

Hope your day with your children is going well.

@Marji

Thank you again for your kindness. You are always so kind and understanding with me!

I did actually join the EI group but it slipped my mind& I forgot to go back after a couple posts. I think maybe this thread should just be ended. I don’t like the turn it’s taken. I don’t feel anyone should come here and diagnose me and tell me I’m a bad mom and so on. That is not what this is for. So I’ll see you in the other group, EI. Thank you again for everything. I always look forward to hearing from you. :)

~ AlexissA

Sudra, my post was not directed at you. I apologize for giving you that impression.

I hope things are going well for you Alexis.

@Sudra

Thank you for your reply. I know I can be overly sensitive, but I do appreciate your comment when you apologized if I took your comment as tearing me apart. I didn’t take your comment that way. Only one comment was pretty upsetting to me as I felt it was out of line for someone to diagnose me and then bring in my kids and saying that I’m a bad example to my kids if they’re girls, among the other things this person in particular said.

Anyway I’m making my own progress and I’ve definitely taken some advice I’ve gotten from members here and I’m working with my IC and still seeking out a MC for us as well. Of course I will disclose everything privately with an MC before we start going as a couple. So we shall see. I’m having a hard time finding anyone though. But eventually I’m sure I will.

Nothing else to really report. Thank you for your kindness.

~ Alexis

HI Alexis

Thought I would join you here, you have seen me on the other boards. Like you, I have issues with being confrontational with my STBXSAWH. It’s about the trauma you experienced with living with a sex addict. The constant manipulation and lies throughout probably your whole marriage is what beats you down.

Come on over to EI or Spouses of Sex Addicts. You will see a lot of what you are experiencing is very very common.

I know this is a shock to all but it took me a year to finally come to grips my STBXSAWH is not safe physically too and to stop having sex with him.

How do you eat an elephant? - one bite at a time.

Now that I am divorcing him (yea - but 2 years later from initial D-Day) I am starting to see the light. I went to this other site for Spouses of SA’s and damn all this judging...I almost suffocated the anxiety was too much too bear all at once.

My WH never sought help though - acted like he did - cake and eat it too kinda thing.

((((Alexis))))) you are doing the right thing. One day at a time and seeking help for yourself. Are you practicing the 180?

@Lavender0916

Thank you so much for your understanding and your kindness. It’s nice hearing from others who understand why I haven’t jumped on top of confronting my WH. And yes sometimes having people say certain things here have been hurtful but maybe I’m just too sensitive? Idk. I do know that I’m taking steps, albeit small ones, but it’s the best I can do at the moment and just about all I can handle right now. I WILL get there though!

Anyway I do remember seeing you on the other threads. I will be back over there and will try to remember to post there more often because it sounds like maybe it’s a better fit for me.

Thank you so much for sharing with me, understanding me and relating to me as well. It makes me feel so much better and less alone knowing that I’m not the 1st person to ever take time before confronting. It will happen and I’m definitely building up to it. I’ve made a plan and I’m working on it. That’s all I can do at the moment.

Hugs 🤗

Alexis

Alexis

I think the advice you have received on here is insurmountable. What you choose to do with it is entirely up to you. I too came here to find women who had successfully reconciled with their WH. But I was hit with the harsh reality that sometimes reconciliation is not an option.

You are in a very toxic relationship and everyday it will eat away at you and one day you will be but a shadow of your former self. You are on a crash course, and fast. It’s only a matter of time before all the chips come crashing down. Alexis, you are human and you can only take so much. The way I see this is you will never confront. You will always settle and your husband will never stop fucking hookers. You will pace your house for hours on Your “bad” days while your WH is having a roll in the sack in your vehicles passengers seat. He will come home and snuggle with you and all will Be well again in your world. Until the next “bad” day of course. This is the life you love to live and so it will continue. You enjoy wallowing in misery and being with this looser. But be very careful because one day it will be all too much for you, too many bottled up emotions and you will most certainly SNAP. For now keep living with your miserable circumstances, because that is the life you have chosen. No one can convince you otherwise. But everyone on here can preempt how your story will end. It will be one of three outcomes. 1. Your cycle of misery will continue, you will continue dealing with your husbands infidelity and cruelty towards you by rug sweeping and playing happy families while you are a mess inside. 2. You will eventually SNAP. Watch I.D. 3. You will eventually see what everyone has been trying to tell you and run as far away as possible from this insane situation.

Long story short. You are living everyone’s worst nightmare. You are not in a marriage. You have a roommate who pays the bills and pretty much does as he pleases. It’s a sad state of affairs. But it’s the life you have chosen and enjoy. All the best.

@Restored19

Really? Way to be supportive, kind & understanding... kicking someone when they’re down, nice.

I don’t go on anyone’s topic thread telling them that they’re spouse is going to “keep fucking hookers” nor do I project my own personal experiences onto others as everyone handles things differently. I don’t make anyone feel worse than they already do. It’s cruel.

There’s proper ways to relay your own personal experiences and thoughts without swearing and being insensitive. If you can’t help someone then don’t hurt them, make them feel worse or kick them when they’re down.

Anyway I’m done with this and I’m done explaining myself over and over again. You don’t know everything and you certainly don’t know me or what steps I’ve already taken based on advice I’ve received here.

Thanks...

Alexis -

This is a public forum. You're going to get all manner of comments, within the guidelines. But some will be hurtful, even if it is within the forum guidelines. Take what you need and leave the rest.

Hopefully, you get enough help that it's worth it to you to stick around and ignore what is not helpful.

Take care.

@Sudra

Thank you. Yes I understand that but I guess I just don’t feel it’s right for others to diagnose, say mean/harmful things and so on. Like I said if you can’t help someone don’t hurt them or kick them while they are down. I felt most of it was a pretty rude comment that person left. I have received lovely advice from many of you and maybe I don’t bring up everything but I have taken some of it and I’m also going forward with implementing other advice I’ve received here. Idk. I guess I’m just not someone who leaves comments like that to people. Everyone has their own experiences whether they’re similar or very different but we all can relate too and I just wanted to find a place where I could connect with people who understand and relate. I appreciate the advice as well and I’m truly grateful for it. But I didn’t think this was a place where others were allowed to diagnose you, tell you that you’re a bad mom, tell you that your spouse is never going to stop “f*cking hookers” and so on... it seems more hurtful and counterproductive to me. I may not do things the way everyone else here has and yes I know that I shouldn’t put off confronting but I also need to be in a better place to do it and I’m getting there & I’m working on me. But because I’ve not jumped to doing it right away I just feel like I’m being treated pretty negatively by some. Most everyone here has been kind though, don’t get me wrong - yourself included. I just wish more people would be understanding about the fact that everyone processes things differently and everyone handles things differently.

Anyway I appreciate your reply. I know everyone has their own opinions and thoughts and that’s fine. But it shouldn’t mean anyone should be hurtful towards another. Idk. That’s just me. I was trying to just let this thread go and disappear into the abyss of others so no one else would comment because I don’t think this specific thread is helpful to me anymore as it almost seems more hurtful or whatever. At this point I’m just hoping it’ll disappear soon....

Well, thank you again. You’ve always been kind to me and it’s appreciated. Hope all is well with you...

~ Alexis

I'm not sure what you are looking for here.

You have told us how strong you are, what a backbone you have, and what a wonderful mother you are. That's fine that you have those attributes and good self esteem. I certainly won't argue with you otherwise.

Nobody here can make your DH be more loving and stop his cheating. You probably can't either.

You reject all suggestions. I get the impression that you'd like everybody to pat you on the head and say "poor baby". Yes you do rate compassion for what you are going thru.

But the purpose of this board is getting out of infidelity. It is not how to make you feel better while living with a serial cheater.

Gently, sweetheart, what is your husband's motivation to stop " fucking hookers"? Right now, he has no reason to stop. You've dropped enough hints that he knows you're on to him. That didn't stop him. Every time, he is risking his freedom, his Health, your health, his life, your life, and the children's family. And none of that has motivated him to stop.

Eventually, he's going to be arrested. The cops will conduct a sting operation, and he will be arrested. That will result in public embarrassment. He might lose his job. Your kids could find out because the kids at school will overhear their parents talking, and it will get around school.

That's extremely likely

But, even more likely is he will contract an STD. One that could be permanent. One he could pass to you. It could be deadly. His interest in hookers can kill him. It can kill you. You expose yourself to that possibility every time you have sex with him.

He could pass it to your kids. When he comes home, does he kiss the kids to say hello? Seriously, it's something to consider.

If he were a heroin addict, would you look the other way, knowing that while you prepare yourself to tell him you know, he could overdose and die?

I understand you need to process and prepare. You may not have the luxury of time. This is urgent.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:46 PM, February 8th (Thursday)]