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Well I guess the good thing is that I seem to have broken my pain seal and I'm not numb anymore.

The bad thing is that I'm a mess at work and I sobbed all the way here because I couldn't find my car keys (had to take DH's). Thank God I have a counseling appointment in an hour.

(((Jana)))

((((((((Jana))))))))))

You are probably also having a pretty powerful hormone dip right now which will really add to the pain and sad feelings. Sending you love and strength.

So sorry Jana.

Well, and I called my husband because I miss him and I haven't really gotten to talk to him in a while, and apparently he was on a work call and accidentally switched over when I called, so I fucked up his work call unintentionally and caused him to hang up on a customer. Just absolutely firing on all cylinders today, all the way around. Fuck fuck fuck.

Take a sick day and go home after the counseling. It's what sick days are there for.

I took a week off after my first miscarriage. The second I was in a training class all week so couldn't miss work, but I didn't even pretend to do anything else that week. My husband had to do all of it, from sun up to sun down, kids, house and all.

You are going to grieve any way you slice it - so be kind to yourself while you are going through the worst of it. It's what you deserve.

(((((Jana)))))

Jana? You didn't fuck anything up. He did. And it was a phone.call. Easily remedied and no big deal. Breath in. Breath out. I'm sorry it hurts.

((((((Jana)))))) Oh, honey. Is there any way you can go home after your appointment?

(((Jana)))

I have been there and feel your pain. There are no words to make it better. Allow yourself to feel the grief and take time to rest.

Thinking of you.

EJ

(((Jana))

I'm feeling muuuuuuch better now. Even though I left my driver's license, credit card, and insurance card at the counselor's office and had to go all the way back from work to get them. LOL. It's just that kind of day. DH found my keys though. Apparently I had thrown them on the bed when I got home last night. First order of business when we move is to hang a key hook thing by the front door because we BOTH are notorious key losers.

I talked to DH, I felt so bad that I caused him to hang up on the customer, but he told me it was no big deal and was so nice about it. And it was a big job and he booked it, so that is nice too.

I remember why I loved my IC so much, it was great to talk to him. He's good. He said that I need to figure out a way to mourn this loss. My other loss felt so much more real, I was a month further along, I had two rounds of ultrasound pictures where we saw the heartbeat. I have a surreal feeling about this pregnancy, like I made it up. I didn't wrap my head around it before I lost it. So I need to figure out a way to mourn it. Do you guys have any ideas? I thought about planting two trees, one for each angel. I would worry about having to leave them if we move though.

I like the idea of the trees, although I can understand the concern about having to leave them if you move. I have a friend lost her daughter in a car accident about 10 years ago. She planted a tree for her, but then ended up moving out of state a few years later. She planted the same variety of tree at her new home, since the original tree was too established to move.

A former coworker of mine lost two babies (one stillborn, one miscarried). She had garden stones that represented them. One had a butterfly engraved in it, the other a cardinal.

I'm sure you'll find the right memorial for your angel babies. ((((hugs))))

Hi Jana, I am so sorry. I just saw this now. A friend of mine has miscarried twice now - they put a nice bench in their background garden. The bench is inscribed with the childrens' names. That way if they move, the bench goes with them.

((Jana's heart))

((Jana))

I do certain activities each year in memory of a lost loved one. It is not as tangible, but it helps me to know I am helping others in their memory.

Maybe a charm for you to add to a bracelet or necklace?. Sort of a touchstone that is a remembrance?

After my first miscarriage last year, I started running and getting in shape. My SIL who had 4 miscarriages before her 3 kids helps organize a 5K for The March of Dimes. I ran that last year in honor of my angel. Right before I found out I was pregnant in December someone posted in Off Topic about something they do to remember their baby and it got me thinking. I decided to learn how to crochet for real instead of my half assed way and donate hats, blankets, etc to the NICU. When I miscarried in January it really got me motivated and I have a bag of things I've made so far. I will probably stick with doing this because I hate running!

Project Linus is one of my activities TCD