SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sounds like your wife has a bad case of badboyitis. She pushed and pushed and pushed until you finally had enough, and only now is she thinking about what she has lost. Everything you've said about her makes it sound like a game with her.

We all have to grow up some day. Painful as hell. I don't have any advice for you, but I recognize how hard it is for you to leave town like this right now. It's too bad no one will let you relax, have a few drinks, enjoy the camaraderie of the event.

Swat, just curious, why is she still communicating with him via email? If she had blocked him none of this would have progressed to this point, no "I can'ts", no face to face, no further pain and suspicions for you. She just doesn't get it. She can't see to focus on the big picture and keeps getting sucked in.

If she had no interest she wouldn't care what OM had to say and certainly would have no interest in meeting this known liar. He is a true enemy of yours, which she cognizant of, but she seems to overlook that he is a snake. Why would she meet such a man? "Not what you think", seriously?

[This message edited by momentintime at 2:37 AM, May 11th (Sunday)]

and add to that the fact that the emails started coincidentally at the same time you were going.

He knew you were going -gone and she read her emails looking for him.

Then she lied about being home.

And she met up with him in secret.

All within 24 hours. Damn quick.

Interesting posts about the timing of all this... Does lead me to believe they have been communicating.

Now that I think of it, OM may have assumed that Swat would be away anyway to attend the function.

Either way, Swat's WS is an active affair partner. Her actions have shown us such.

"Baby, I lost everything for you, but I love you a and you were worth it all. I just want one more time with you"

"Well, since you lost so much for me.. I'll just tell Swat I'm home cleaning the house."

Her willingness to get up close and personal with the same guy that she put on quite the acting performance against she "ran into him" at the park... No doubt about it, Swat. She is actively engaging in the relationship with her OM. whatever she wants to tell you about what happened doesn't matter.

I'm not sure I agree with that.

i'm pretty sure she wants SWAT but hasn't worked on herself enough to understand how she should behave.

she made decisions that she thought were reasonable, but were in fact dishonest. She's still got that Wayward mentality. "what SWAT doesn't know won't hurt him."

I just don't think she gets it yet. But I think she wants SWAT. She probably gets a charge out of another man risking everything for her and pleading for her to talk to him. It's an ego kibble. "Please, please, I just want to talk to you. Please, I have something important to tell you. Please. Only for a half hour. Please, you mean everything to me."

Can't you see how that would be enticing to her?

the real question is, does SWAT really want to put up with such a dysfunctional person anymore. It's exhausting. Does he want to be lied to again? Will she get it "this" time? What if she doesn't?

[This message edited by mike7 at 6:28 AM, May 11th (Sunday)]

For me it would be hard to trust her again, because obviously she either has extreme psychological issues that take long, long time to be resolved, with much hurt&stress to all involved, or she's an extremely crafty actress/manipulator. Or both.

SWAT, I wouldn't read those messages personally, especially not in the near future. I would someone you trust to read them and tell you what they think you ought to know from them. I would ask that person to print out the messages and deliver them to your lawyer if perhaps they would prove to be useful, together with the phone itself.

Then I'd get a cheap new phone with a brand new phone number, so I wouldn't be tempted to read messages from her.

And if you want to avoid communication with her, you can do all of esential communication (regarding kids) via a third person/intermediary, like you BIL, and via your attorney.

I don't know, I'm afraid that if you get in touch with her in any way, she'll succeed in somehow manipulating you back in... But maybe I'm being too harsh.

Have you contacted Tred yet, to maybe catch up with him?

And your question if it was all a lie? I would say this - whatever it was, it was worth it. Just look at the three amazing kids you have - I think all your pain, everything, was well worth so that you have them in your life. And ultimately, it's your kids and your relationship with them that matters the most, IMO.

Best wishes

Mike your points certainly make sense. I personally disagree, as I think this went beyond the ego kibble, and would have led to her resuming her affair.

"I can't." = "I want to, but I am not supposed to." She wanted to see him. It's right there in her own words.

As you brought up, would anyone want to stay in a relationship with that kind of disfunction?

"i can't" is also an indication that she is unwilling to take the responsibility of saying I don't want to see you. this is an insecure person. She probably still wants to be accepted by everyone, even the OM.

It's interesting that the BIL said he had something important to tell SWAT. What could that be? And what was so important that the OM actually wanted to contact SWAT? I don't think we have all the pieces yet. Whatever they turn out to be, I hope that SWAT makes a decision that allows him to be happy.

but.. you may be right.

Mike once again you have very good points. I do agree that Swat doesn't have all the pieces. However, he has the most important pieces of all:

His wife lied and met her OM. She can talk until the cows come home. Hell, she talked so much and cried the tears that swat cancelled his getaway and planned on taking her on the trip to DC. But actions speak louder than words. and she certainly acted.

She has shown, again, that no one is more important than herself. Not her husband, not her children. Clearly evidenced by throwing it all away to meet her OM. After her performance at the gathering of other wives and at the park, she arranged to meet with her OM. She puts on quite a show.

Mike I can understand the search for a deeper reason here. But she met her OM and got caught. She never intended for Swat to find out she continued to meet with her OM. She never would have told him. That is absolutely the breeding ground to resume the affair , if it had actually stopped completely. I would not be surprised if Swat learns tbey have been in. Contact these last few months. I personally suspect it.

Whatever her reason is for doing what she did, SWAT seems like a smart man. It all comes down to weather or not the pros out weigh the cons. Also weather or not he's willing to take that chance of trusting her.

Seems like he knows what he needs for himself.

For all of us BS is an emotional stressful roller coaster either way.

Wishing much strength to you SWAT. You have to go to the bottom of that pit before you can climb out.

To Swat's wife who reads on here:

*crickets*

To Swat:

You have a pm.

if his wife is reading this, she should be ashamed of herself for what she's done. no doubt about it. She's a betrayer and a liar. only time will tell if SWAT wants to invest more time in her. I probably wouldn't. But... i'd hear what she has to say before I made a decision.

whatever you choose SWAT, you'll be ok. You're a good man. I wish you happiness.

[This message edited by mike7 at 7:32 AM, May 11th (Sunday)]

Actions speak louder than words. He does not need to hear more lies and broken promises. None of us do. The WWS speaks to help themselves. Make themselves feel better and justify what they did. It's wrong period.

He had given her ample opportunities to fix this. She chose not to. She should have kept her word to her husband. NC.

Swat, I'm glad you had a good outing. I agree with your decision to only take calls and texts that you are able to deal with right now. All the other crap can wait. There is no need to rush yourself on anything. WW can wait.

Take care of yourself and keep posting.

I'll never be able to thank you all enough for your support. I'm grateful and humbled that there are so many people out there who actually care what is happening to me. It makes me wish I could have been able to help you all in some way. We have all gone through the ringer and you all have shown me strength, compassion and integrity. I am honored.

Mushy stuff out of the way. Got dressed in my class A with all my shiny buttons and ribbons and went to a memorial mass. This week would be a very bad week to be a criminal in DC. I have seen more uniforms and kilts than I would ever have thought. I had always heard this is a week every police officer should attend at least once. I am now a believer.

Someone brought up a good question, how could they have been communicating if the OM was blocked?

Why would she meet such a man? "Not what you think", seriously?

I am starting to get the gut feeling there is more history between these two than SWAT knows about.

SWAT, it is a common thought to think that the whole relationship has been a lie. Especially now when once again you have been lied to.

WS's just cannot seem to understand that many times it is the lying that is actually worse than the affair itself.

That's great SWAT! Glad you are enjoying yourself. I'm sure your DC week is a humbling experience in itself. Try to soak it all in. That's what this trip is supposed to be for you.

Enjoy.

We're all still here for you when you need us. Not going anywhere.

yop

I just got some pictures of my kids sent at me. They are all dressed up to take mommy to brunch. BIL gave them each the gifts they picked out for their mother. The flowers arrived yesterday and everyone is ready to go out. I am sad and angry because I should have been in the pictures. I am not in them and it is not due to any fault of mine. I trusted someone and even gave her a second chance when she broke that trust.

I want to wish all of you mothers out there a happy Mother's Day. Those of you here have shown tremendous strength and honor. Being a parent is the toughest and most rewarding "job"

anyone can have. We all wish we could be a happy family and sometimes that just isn't possible. But you mothers posting on here and offering your wisdom and support are rockstars in my book.

OM in this case went out of his way to destroy SWAT's family. He wanted what SWAT had and he actually told WW that SWAT was in an affair. He kept it up until finally, she caved. She slept with OM. Yes, there was already something broken in her clearly, but this man exposed that, intentionally, and got what he wanted - to have sex with WW.

Effectively, this man destroyed SWATs trust, his privacy at work, and of course, his marriage. Now SWAT needed to deal with R and a WW.

BUT - he also destroyed WW's world. He caused her to cheat on an honest man. He did so many disgusting, sleazy things. And she still went and met him? If someone did that to me, or tried to - lie to me and say my H was cheating so that i would sleep with them - I would despise that person. I would truly hate that person for thinking so little about me that they would lie just to get me to be a wayward. Yes, this man thought nothing of me, my marriage, my family. He thought only of what he wanted. I would hate him with a passion.

WW? She went to a bar to have drinks with him. If she can't see what garbage this man is, what he did to her and her family intentionally, and want to vomit at the thought of him, then she's a twisted person herself. There is no way to excuse OM, and yet here she is, thinking more about OM than SWAT.

I'll say it again - SWAT, if you do decide to R, I'll support you 100%. I can understand completely why you're walking out on this one. She's just one lie and headache after another.