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Onguard,

Her reactions are normal for a WW in her circumstances. She knows and knew all along that there was no future with her spinning instructor fuck buddy. And her partying has probably only resulted in a few more guys banging her who could care less about her.

You new attitude and legal action are starting to bring her new reality to her. A WW with no job who is going from a nice home to a small apartment with no devastated husband to be begging her to please play nice and stop banging OM. She preferred the old Onguard that she could control who was weak and emasculated. That ship has sailed hopefully and she is about to learn the real consequences. Up to now it's been all her way.

She was checked out of the marriage when she would not even stop chasing spinning instructor right after you caught her. But up until now you allowed her to cake eat. It will get nastier I am sure but stay angry and give her a dose of her own medicine.

On Christmas Eve we ran into her ap for the first time since this whole shit storm started. Our family was going to the movies and while driving I noticed we were right behind his car (he has personalized plates). I slowed down to let him get ahead of us and did not say a word to anyone. We pulled into the parking lot and my son and I dropped off my wife and daughter at the door before going to park the car. I told my son that he had been right in front of us and he said "Is that him?" I looked up and he was parked 20 feet from us and just getting out of his car. He walked past us and headed towards the theater. I knew that I had to do something. I could not just sit there and let this happen without confronting him. My son was begging me to stay in the car. But I got out and walked towards the doors. He spotted my wife and immediately turned around and walked out and off to the side of the theater. He grabbed his phone and looked very surprised. I walked towards him and said his name. He looked up, took a few steps towards me and stopped. We were about 10 feel apart and I told him that he should find something else to do tonight. He responded by saying that he knows, he saw her. There were so many things I wanted to say, and do, but I am also aware that no good can come from it. He just walked back to his car and left. I felt good that I confronted him but also sick to my stomach just seeing him.

My ww was upset and my D13, who does not know about the A, was really upset. She knows that mom and dad are not getting along but she doesnt know the details. She is angry that no one is telling her the reason why we are not getting along. "Mom saw someone she doesnt like and looks like she is going to cry". I was able to comfort her and distract her after about 10 minutes but she is still really hurting. This whole situation is just a disaster.

WW is still in our home and now has no immediate plans to move. She has met with at least one lawyer and is furious that I moved my half of the money out of our joint checking account. Our relationship is becoming more strained by the day. Almost zero interaction. We tried to have a decent holiday for our daughter's sake but the tension is overpowering. I know that I need to follow through with my plans to end the marriage. It's still painful to think about but her actions since D day have been clear and consistent. And Everyone who posted on my situation since day 1 has been right on the mark.

[quote]WW is still in our home and now has no immediate plans to move. She has met with at least one lawyer and is furious that I moved my half of the money out of our joint checking account. Our relationship is becoming more strained by the day. Almost zero interaction. We tried to have a decent holiday for our daughter's sake but the tension is overpowering. I know that I need to follow through with my plans to end the marriage. It's still painful to think about but her actions since D day have been clear and consistent. And Everyone who posted on my situation since day 1 has been right on the mark.

[/quote]

Onguard,

The Holidays are over. Do it man, of course she is mad. Her cake eating is coming to an end. if you D and sell the house she has to move. Stop living with a single woman.

Please, read http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=547220 and protect yourself and the kids!

Get your kids into counselling ASAP! They need emotional & professional help in dealing with this!

Also, tell your daughter the (age-appropriate) truth! She deserves to know! If she won't be told, she'll start thinking that it's because of something you've done or that she could do something to make you stay together. The longer you don't tell her, the more you're hurting her.

Best wishes

Onguard,

WARNING!

"And Everyone who posted on my situation since day 1 has been right on the mark."

WARNING!

Do you remember when she threatened to drag the divorce out for a long time to punish you?

I am not a lawyer, but I have read here (from postings by lawyers) that the one who files (first) controls the pace of the proceedings.

WARNING! Read the above again…

WARNING!

ALL OF HER RESPONSES HAVE BEEN MEAN, UNFEELING, AND

VINDICTIVE.

WARNING!

She has now seen a lawyer. WARNING! If you let her file before you do, I'd be willing to bet you will REALLY, REALLY, REALLY regret it.

This is Monday. Pick up the phone and call your lawyer - tell him it is urgent that you file immediately - tell him why.

Or…not… Whatever turns your crank…

Good Luck,

Bye-Bipolar

[This message edited by BYE-Bipolar at 7:47 AM, December 29th (Monday)]

Onguard

BYE is right. Call your attorney today.

File.

Then both your and your WW sit your daughter down and explain to her what is going on before the kid has a meltdown.

I know this sucks and your wife is to blame for putting your family in this situation.

But it takes a strong man to guide his family through a crisis.

You be that man. I promise you your kids will never forget how you steered the family through this mess.

I doubt your wife will either.

HM

Thank you for all of the responses. I'm worried that telling my D13 about the A would cause her more trauma. I also do not want to be seen as ailienating my ww from her. In addition, my ww will have her "details" to share. Namely, that I was neglectful for 20 years of marriage and that she was lonely and miserable and could not take it anymore. Or whatever her story would be. Either way, based on ww attitude I think that it would end up putting my D13 in the middle of a he said, she said debate. I have asked my ww to have a mutual discussion with our daughter but she has not agreed. WW has also threatened me that if our daughter were to find out about the affair that the gloves would be totally off. I know, she has already hit me with everything including the kitchen sink. I guess I am still hoping to avoid a nasty, lengthy divorce battle.

I agree that I need to file asap. But I'm just not sure that telling my daughter about the A is the best move. I want to do what is best for her and right now what she knows is that we are not getting along, we are probably going to separate soon and that we are also likely to divorce. I have told her that I want to keep our family together and when she asked for details I told her to ask her mom. So she knows that it's mainly my ww who wants out.

Then, to add to the weirdness, last night my ww suggested that we all take a family trip to Florida for a few days in January. She looked up flights and asked me to find us a hotel. Then she disappears into her room for the rest of the night without saying a word.

Yeah I think you know the trip should totally be out. You've got more important things to take care of.

Remain resolute, this all seems like a play to keep you off balance and delay things.

Onguard,

DO NOT GO ON ANY TRIPS!!! Are you kidding!!

You are making a mistake with your daughter. She already knows you are not getting along. She is 13 and believe me that know about sex. i have three older daughters.

Where on earth do you think your daughter thinks her mother is till 3AM or when she leaves the house all dolled up to party. Do you really think your daughter thinks she is going to a PTA meeting????

What is going to happen is your daughter will eventually tell her friends what is going on and one of them will tell her what you wife is probably doing.

What hell can your wife give you. You know for a fact she is not going to go away nicely or she already would have done it.

it seems you are backtracking again because how on earth can you even consider planning a nice trip with her while she is going out and dating or banging whoever she wants to,.

unless you are prepared to use your daughter for another six months or so as a reason to absorb this abuse, you need to start playing "hardball".

By now, you should realize the soft approach has brought you nothing but more grief.

Onguard please be honest with your daughter she is old enough.

Please stop walking on egg shells she is treating you like crap either way I think you know this.

If you do not wish to tell your daughter until AFTER the divorce, or perhaps even never telling her . . . well, there may be advantages to that, though there may be disadvantages . . . However - -

Namely, that I was neglectful for 20 years of marriage and that she was lonely and miserable and could not take it anymore. Or whatever her story would be. Either way, based on ww attitude I think that it would end up putting my D13 in the middle of a he said, she said debate.

Except that you being neglectful and her being lonely and miserable is opinion and her perception . . . her having an affair is hard, cold fact.

Someone pointed out that no one on Earth can meet 100% of their partner's expectations. It's how one deals with that missing percentage that is a true sign of integrity, loyalty, and character in general. Having an affair is not a good way of dealing with any perceived deficits in the marriage.

[This message edited by c24j at 6:58 PM, December 29th (Monday)]

Onguard, I did not file before my XW did. I was stupid back then and gave her the heads up that I was seeing attorneys. My XW filed first and dragged on the D process twice as long as it should have been.

You need to file NOW.

I'm worried that telling my D13 about the A would cause her more trauma.

She is suffering it right now because nothing makes sense as to why you and your WW are acting so strange in her perspective. My son was 12yrs old at the time of the seperation. When I finally told him the real reason for the D, he breathed sigh of relief because he thought his mother and I were getting divorced because he and his little brother did "something wrong". Both my boys and I have bonded much stronger ever since I told the truth in age appropriate ways.

I also do not want to be seen as ailienating my ww from her. In addition, my ww will have her "details" to share. Namely, that I was neglectful for 20 years of marriage and that she was lonely and miserable and could not take it anymore. Or whatever her story would be.

Ongaurd, both your kids were in this same family all their lives, right? They know your WW will be full of shit when she tries to twist reality her way. When my XW tried to pull this marital rewrite on our boys, and they then apporached me about what she said I just asked them "What do you remember all your life? Did your mom and I fight all the time like she claims?" When they pondered this question for a while and answered "No", I told them "Well, believe what you remember. What you remember is the truth." They have been fine ever since because they know that what they remember of our times together was good and that it was their mother that blew up the family, not me. They now know the I am the one that represents the truth and I talk frankly and often to them about the past, present, and future. My XW to this day does not talk to them at all about any of it. My boys tell me so.

WW has also threatened me that if our daughter were to find out about the affair that the gloves would be totally off.

Very well then. Tell your DD13 the truth AFTER your WW gets served. You'll be controlling the pace by then. Her leverage will be effectively "removed".

Then, to add to the weirdness, last night my ww suggested that we all take a family trip to Florida for a few days in January. She looked up flights and asked me to find us a hotel. Then she disappears into her room for the rest of the night without saying a word.

Don't book it. This is her last desperate attempt to put you in place as the role of a cuckold husband. This has nothing to do with attempting R with you. Instead, schedule a process server to deliver the D petition.

Onguard, you will be fine. Your kids will be fine. They need YOU to be the strong parent. They need YOU to take the necessary actions to not only take yourself out of infidelity, but them as well. As long as they know you are planning for a better future for yourself and that they are a part of it they will have something positive to look forward to.