My XW suffered sexual abuse as a child. She never really got the proper therapy to deal with it mostly in part because her parents never knew about it at the time. I don't want to get into too much specific of her past abuse but it was a one time thing done by a someone she wished she had a normal familial relationship with. She was passed around with the abuser's friends. Drugs were involved. She had contact with this person through her life but carried this dark secret for so long.
One of her coping mechanisms to deal with it was to eat, and thus she was overweight most of her life. She also tended to have more male friends than female, and she was very flirty with them. Of the few female friends she did have their purpose was to compliment her. The friendships never went deeper than that. Her previous boyfriend that she dated before meeting me had "shared" her to his buddies. I didn't realize it at the time I met her that I was playing the KISA role. Since meeting me her life and outlook improved. That isn't to say I was the best boyfriend then husband ever. All I did was bring normalcy into her world. Over a couple of year she retained enough personal courage and strength, and with my support, to confront her abuser about the abuse in front of her parents. The dark secret was finally out of the closet. However the darkness was still inside her.
Fast forward, two kids and a 15 yr marriage later she meets the OM and starts an EA. This OM reminds her of her abuser before the abuse, the one she wished she had a normal familial relationship with. So one can see how it is easy for someone like her to immediately let her boundaries down and slide down that slippery slope. The EA quickly escalated to PA. In my XW's attempt to rationalize her infidelity, to make her feel unashamed in her betrayal, to "cleanse" the OM, she had to assign the past abuser role to me and the OM as the KISA.
I have a hunch that this is what's happening in your situation. The OM has taken on the KISA role again. You are being assigned the abuser role. What you need to understand is that you played just that, only a role in her life. You were not an equal partner in her eyes. You were one of her coping mechanisms, just as the OM is one as well. Do not expect fairness from her. And, this isn't going to end well with you if you don't make haste and file FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION as well as for your kids.
Right now there is nothing more that your WW and the OM would love for you to do is to sit there and take it, accept defeat, go quietly into the night without a fight, but don't go "too far" because they want your support checks after D. Your WW may be a lost cause but don't you think at least your kids are worth fighting for?
[This message edited by Jduff at 2:00 PM, July 3rd (Monday)]
