SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

IIT,

The most immediate thing is this:

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO MOVE OUT THIS WEEKEND.

You can begin the process of separation and still be in the same home, just stay away from your wife and say as little as possible to her.

It is your home as much as hers, so why are you moving out? I realise it will be difficult to be at home if she has chosen her friendship and the trip over the marriage, but why should you end up living in a car or a dumpster?

STAY WHERE YOU ARE FOR THE TIME BEING

By issuing your ultimatum, you have made her play her hand and reveal how little priority she gave to you and the marriage. That is not your fault, that is hers. But there is no reason why you should leave the house; you can simply be housemates, try and be civil, but only talk when you need to.

If you move out - with nowhere to go - you make life hard for yourself, and easy for her. Why do that? If you have to sleep on the couch, so be it, but do not leave the house. If the atmosphere is awkward, it will be awkward for her too, and frankly, she deserves that.

DO NOT MAKE YOURSELF HOMELESS!

She has no legal power to evict you, so do not evict yourself.

It will take you time to get things figured out for yourself, so stay where you are for the time being. The last thing you want is to find yourself living in the car while the 'friend' gets invited to stay for two weeks.

IT IS STILL YOUR HOME, AND WILL BE FOR SOME TIME TO COME. STAY IN IT! LIVE AS HOUSEMATES.

I wish we could take you in, but I really think you are making things way too easy for her if you leave. She made the choice to flush the marriage down the can, but you must not flush your place to live down the can right after it. If she wants you out, let her take action. I don't think there's much she can do. The main aspect of separation is that you start detaching yourself from her emotionally. What you must not do is make yourself homeless.

Beg, borrow or use a credit card. Get to a lawyer before you do ANYTHING!

Strength

You can't kick a cheating spouse out. It is illegal. You can ask them to go and they can say "no.

Conversely your wife can't "make" you leave.

If you leave you out yourself in a shitty spot legally. So don't go. Period.

Do invest in a voice activated recorder. That's the next play in her book - a call to the police and a false domestic violence claim. That's a he said/she said and the police will cover their asses by telling you to leave. Unless you have a VAR. Then it's the bar vs her lies and the var wins.

Be careful. No yelling. No screaming. Use the var whenever you and she are home.

Cut off internet. TV. Phones. Prepay your mobile. Pay half the bills by check with your name on it and labelled as your half. talk to your providers and make clear you are separating. Get her off your bank account. Cancel joint cards. Write her card companies and tell them you refuse liability for her use of them.

Do you read any of the posts before you act? Your not taking advice and then you do the exact opposite of what you should do. Tell her your moving out with no money and no place to go. Now she just thinks your stupid.

Get the book NOT JUST FRIENDS.Actually read it and follow its advice. Take it to the MC and be prepared. If the MC comes up with the same bull crap tell her that her advice is ending the marriage.

DO NOT GET ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED. Stay calm,reasonable and firm. She's controlling you nad has been for a long time. Be firm about her getting a job too or you will always be broke.

I agree with Chappie. OP, you are doing as much damage to yourself as she is doing to you.

You have to start listening to these people and further, are you intentionally making yourself homeless ? Panhandler ?

Step to the plate for yourself and yes, she is in an affair. Tell her to move out

Let me explain why I want to move out. I want her to see how hard this is going to be for her. With 3 teenagers and 1 young child she thinks she is tired now she no idea. I want her to see what it's going to be like to do everything on her own. My ww has some health issues and currently I do 70% of the stuff around the house. Luckily ( or unluckily) we have no assedts or even a savings account anymore that I need to worry about. She blew through our savings when she was refusing to work and looking for a part time job. I did find a place to stay today with a work friend. He needs help fixing up a house he just bought so he will let me stay in the extra room in return for me helping him

I do however think I'm going to wait a week or so. Our oldest daughter is graduating high school next week and I don't want to ruin it for her by telling her I'm moving out

IIT,

For the moment, I think it is best that you say as little as possible to your wife about anything relating to the marriage or separation. And do not let her push your buttons on this. She sounds like she enjoys being nasty, so prepare yourself for her attempts to goad you and manipulate you by practicing a stock response of, "I am not discussing that."

If she asks why you haven't moved out, tell her the ultimatum was a test, and you got the information you were expecting. She is clearly a liar and a manipulator, so why should you stick by anything that you say in relation to her? Particularly if it is going to make your life harder. If you have nowhere to go, stay where you are.

If you leave, and are gone for a couple of weeks, a person like her is likely to try and shaft you for "abandonment", even though she abandoned you and the family for more than two years with her relationship with the 'friend'. Do not give her any ammunition, IIT.

Do get yourself another VAR to keep with you, and use it if she starts getting vindictive with you, or if she wants to discuss anything 'serious' relating to the marriage. Do not underestimate how low she will go.

I know your world must feel like it is rocking off its hinges at the moment, but stop for a moment, take a deep breath, and think:

Neither of you have taken any official legal action, so in the eyes of the world and the courts, you are a married couple with four kids, living in the family home. As unpleasant as your wife has become, the set-up is actually good for you, because YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CHANGE A THING FOR THE NEXT THIRTY YEARS. I say that with particular emphasis in relation to you packing your bags with nowhere to go. DO NOT DO IT; YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO, SO STAND YOUR GROUND AND STAY.

If you end up homeless on the streets, that delightful creature you are married to will sit back and laugh, as she sits on her ass in the home you paid for. WHY GIVE HER THAT SATISFACTION? You paid for the place, you stay in it.

If you pack up and leave, you make life very easy for her. Make it harder for her and stay. If she wants you out, let her find the money to take legal action to evict her husband from the family home. See how far she gets with that! If she wants a divorce, let her save up her money from her lazy-ass part-time job and pay for the lawyers. Again, see how far she gets with that.

And seriously, where does she think her life is going? Some fantasy la-la land where she marries her friend, and lives happily ever after? Well, for that to happen, there would have to be a divorce, and if there has to be a divorce, YOU MAKE THOSE TWO DELIGHTFUL PEOPLE PAY FOR IT. They want to play, make them pay. Do not start any legal action on your dime, or you will end up paying for the divorce that they use to get together.

With household bills, you ratchet back and start paying half, and she pays half. If she can't afford that, she'll have to stop spending her day on the phone and start paying her way. If she doesn't want to do that, she'll have to tighten her belt. If you pay her phone bill, stop immediately. If you pay any kind of insurance on her, stop immediately. Pay for yourself, make sure the kids are okay, but you make her start paying her way. She thinks she can do without you? Fine. Put the phone down and start working, peaches!

You see, where you feel all is lost, and she is somehow in charge, the opposite is actually true. You are the major breadwinner, she depends on you, and in the eyes of the law, you have every right under the sun to remain in that house, with your kids, for as long as you want to. Once you cut back on the money, what is she going to do? Beg from her family or her 'friend'? Fine, let them pay for her lazy, selfish lifestyle. You won't be, and that will be good for you.

The money you save by not supporting her can be stockpiled for you, for the future.

Seriously, IIT, as horrible as your wife's actions are, you must put any plans of moving out on hold. Put everything on hold, get yourself together, and think about what is best for you and the kids on a day-to-day basis for the immediate future. And I promise you, staying put is much better than living in your car.

Do not move out. Bad idea. You are falling into the trap many folks fall into post dday... you have a script of how this drama will play out in your head and assume your wayward will act in accordance to your script.

News flash... she is NOT good night to follow your script and will NOT act as a rational person. It is extremely unlikely that she will have an epiphany and suddenly see the light because you move out and leave her with the kids to watch...

The kids are only ones likely to suffer in that situation. She gets a house to herself, you paying most of the bills, and to claim you abandoned the home.

Bad, bad, bad idea...

You can maintain your living arrangement but stop doing things for her. You will be on the hook for necessities (mortgage, utilities, etc..) but you can remove all discretionary spending. Cancel credit cards if you have them, leave only enough money in the bank to cover necessities and deposit the rest in a seperate account.

While I am an advocate of considering reconciliation it only really works well if the wayward is extremely remorseful/all in on fixing the mess they made AND the betrayed has taken unambiguous forceful action (usually means filing for divorce) to get themselves out of infidelity.

I think you really need to reconsider moving out and reevaluate taking a more aggressive position on your situation. We have all been there... while there is not necessarily a single right way to confront infidelity, there are absolutely many ineffective ways to respond to it...

D'oh! I was writing my post while you were posting yours.

You say:

Let me explain why I want to move out. I want her to see how hard this is going to be for her. With 3 teenagers and 1 young child she thinks she is tired now she no idea. I want her to see what it's going to be like to do everything on her own. My ww has some health issues and currently I do 70% of the stuff around the house. Luckily ( or unluckily) we have no assedts or even a savings account anymore that I need to worry about. She blew through our savings when she was refusing to work and looking for a part time job. I did find a place to stay today with a work friend. He needs help fixing up a house he just bought so he will let me stay in the extra room in return for me helping him

Okay, how about this idea: you alternate where you stay between the family home and your pal's place (where you can go if your wife starts becoming a pain in the behind). But you keep your place in the home and do nothing that can be legally interpreted as abandonment.

At home, you cut back on what you pay for, and what you do. That way, you show her some harsh realities without compromising your position in relation to your rights. Honestly, if you move out completely, and she starts struggling, I can see her wanting to take action against you for abandonment or neglect. The second she faces any hardship, she is bound to start bleating to her family and 'friend' about you horrible cruelty, so prepare yourself for that and have some responses ready.

She blew through your savings when she was refusing to work? It's hard to know what to say. She does live in fairyland, doesn't she?

Finding that place with your pal is great, well done. It means that you have the option of living in two places, as and when it suits you. That way, you can't be clobbered for 'abandonment', you get to see the kids, but you can cut back on what you do in the family home and what you pay for, and you have somewhere else to go if your wife decides to be smirky and unpleasant. Instead of arguing, or even listening, you pick up your coat and head for your buddy's place.

Suddenly, it's looking like your hands are very firmly back on the steering wheel. Where's your wife's power in all this? She has no money; she can't bash you for child support because you are still very much married; she won't be able to hit you for abandonment, because you haven't moved out completely; if anyone asks, you just are just helping a friend renovate a house and therefore sometimes living there, sometimes at the family home...

Do you see the advantages there are in not taking absolute, black-and-white actions like moving out totally? You'll have kind of gone, but not completely. Kind of separated, but not completely. Still help in the home, just not as much.

If you make 'absolute', clear-cut moves, you are an easy target. If you keep everything in a 'grey' area, being neither one thing nor the other, you will be an impossible target to hit with any legal action, and you can pretty much do what you please, when you please.

DO NOT PIN YOURSELF DOWN WITH ANY BIG, 'ABSOLUTE' ACTIONS UNTIL YOU ARE 100% SURE THEY ARE IN YOUR INTEREST.

Stay 'grey'. It will drive your wife nuts, because her power over you will be gone. Seriously, give it a try and see how it works out. She wants to get sh*tty with you? Fine. Bye bye for now, I'm off to my pal's place, but I'll be back to see the kids tomorrow. You want to be on the phone all day? Fine, but I'm not paying the phone bill now. That's my legal right as a husband. You want child support? That can't happen until there's a divorce, and I'm not filing or paying for one, so best get another part-time job, honey.

IIT, I know how painful your situation is, but I am saying all of this to try and show you the elements that work in your favour. You have far more power as a husband who sometimes lives in the family home, and sometimes stays with his pal, helping renovate his new place, than if you pin yourself down by making any official moves that might leave you open to legal action.

Be fluid, be flexible, be hard to catch, and hard to hit. You have way more power in all of this than you realise, and now you have a place at your pal's house, you have a huge amount of freedom to come and go as you please. So do not move out completely,do not even announce it as a 'moving out' at all, just say you are helping your pal renovate his place, and sometimes you won't be at the family home.

You can't be hit until you're pinned down, so don't pin yourself down. You have two places to live now, so make the most of the power that gives you!

[This message edited by M1965 at 3:28 PM, June 1st (Thursday)]

Thank you M1965. I think I will stay put for now. I guess my biggest fear is somehow her and OM will have a real relationship. I told her this morning there was no way she could afford this on her own. She simply smiled and said that issue has been taken care I have no idea what she is planning

I've been following this thread for a while now. Something just hit me I should have seen earlier. Are you sure this isn't as exit A.

She is giving every indication that she really couldn't care less if the marriage survives. In fact she acts like she would prefer it.

Just my thoughts. To me it just doesn't make sense that she would not even try unless she was planning and exit anyway.

Isittrue619,

I’m sorry to hear all that has been going on the last several weeks. I’ve just read the thread of all the comments that has been going back and forth so I think I have some what of an understanding of what is happening.

I will actually disagree with the top two comments and will agree with you, I think it is ok to be legally separated for awhile. The reality is that your wife is lost in her own selfish self-centered sin and not seeing the importance of what she has committed at the marriage covenant to be committed first to God, to the spouse and to the family. It is clear that she is living in open vile rebellious sin and that must be dealt with and if they are not repentant, then it must go public.

I agree with your discernment on waiting for a week. I’m assuming the children do not have any idea with what has been going between you and your wife? Sometimes I realize though it’s difficult, going public and hitting rock bottom the only way to turn upward to seek forgiveness and turning away from sin.

I’m praying that God will bring justice and reconciliation in the midst of this relationship. All things are possible my friend even in the midst that seems there’s only impossibility.

She's planning on you being stupid and racing out the door. Her filing abandonment on you and you paying.

Or

She's planning on you leaving and om move in

Or

She's planning on filing false domestic violence claims, you getting kicked out, and still paying.

Buy a VAR. Stop paying her bills. Pay your half, make sure it's known to the person you are paying, and let her worry about her half.

Your WW's cognative dissonance is remarkable. She is trying to convince you that she is not in an affair, but has made secret financial plans in the event that you divorce? Can she not see how contrary those two stances are?!? Likewise, it should remove any questions you have about her relationship with her "friend".

Lastly, who's to say she blew through the marital funds while unemployed. Maybe she was setting money aside on the sly to leave you. If that is the case, I suspect you are entitled to some of that cash since it is marital property.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Your WW sounds like a real piece of work.

I'm glad you decided to stay. I agree with the earlier poster that she's not going to suddenly realize what a mistake she made by you not being there.

This is a marathon not a sprint. One step at a time. You've got it looks like 30 or 40 coaches here on the sidelines who are glad to give you advice and be your sounding board.

Sending strength.

Wow, she is one smug POS.

Time to go dark. Tell her nothing. Smile, hum, walk past her like she's invisible. A hard 180.

See a lawyer and get filing. She checked out already and you might as well get on with your life. If she has a plan then you need one too. Have her served on her trip.

No begging, pleading, or trying to reach her. She is gone. Enjoy your kids and let the chips fall where they may.

I would have her served the day before the trip...but you need to ASAP.

So she smugly says that she has it taken care of huh?

This is the most damning RED-Flag yet IMO.....

There is absolutely NO WAY she got this worked out in 24 hours.....

She has already been planning her exit......and probably is so smug because she is planning for POSOM to move in as soon as you are out.

Throw a wrench in this ASAP.....

DO NOT MOVE OUT!!!

Just do the 180 and continue to live at the house....continue to do things for you and the kids....

BUT do not lift a pinky to do anything for her....in fact, do not even interact with her unless it is about the kids or ABSOLUTELY necessary.....and even then do it short and businesslike.

And then slap her with D papers......and ask for the house since its obvious she can't afford it.....

And start documenting childcare and house responsibilities right now to help in custody hearings.

If you can document that you are doing about 70% of the house and childcare responsibilities AND are the only one who can afford to keep the house.....guess who will most likely be moving?....it's not you!

Stop bugging her about the trip also....

In fact, I think you should tell her to go.....you no longer want her.....then walk away.

IMO.....few things seem to bother a WS as much as cold and utter rejection by their BS after confrontation.....

I think its because so many of them think they are special snowflakes that deserve all the ego kibbles they can get from both BS and AP.....

No matter what most of them say, when the BS cuts the WS off and treats them with nothing but contempt....it DOES hurt and bother them.....most WS do not take rejection well....

IMO this also explains why so many of them have the stupid belief that they can and will be friends with their BS after the split.....they just can't accept that someone would want absolutely nothing to do with them ever again.....

That's fragile egos and self-esteem for you.

I agree. Hard 180. Pretend like she doesn't exist. Keep a CLOSE eye on the joint accounts. Don't leave the house.

Talk to an attorney!!!