SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You started this thread months ago. She confessed to an affair over 20 years ago and you had realized that she's been a great wife and life partner who screwed up big time and you were working to get past it. So what's the holdup? Have you gone to counseling yet? Have more details come out? Has she cheated since the affair 20 years ago?

CincyKid

You started this thread months ago. She confessed to an affair over 20 years ago and you had realized that she's been a great wife and life partner who screwed up big time and you were working to get past it. So what's the holdup? Have you gone to counseling yet? Have more details come out? Has she cheated since the affair 20 years ago

?

I have nothing new or much different than when I started. I look at everything from every angle and every point of view. We are in counseling, I am not sure what kind. I am trying to get past it but it is difficult for me. I can't stop thinking about it. She had never been with anyone except me. I am having difficulty with that.

My soulmate, my match made in heaven, the one that has my back, the girl of my dreams, was just that, a dream. I had said many times to her that if it were not for me she would have been a nun. So perfect, so lady like, I had no idea that she was her own person that would go out and get a stud just for sex.

Then there is me. I thought of myself as caring, loving, crazy about my wife, and I tried hard to provide for my family. In actuality I am a overbearing, railroading (I will not let my wife talk), dictator like, materialistic (I do like nice things) ass whole.

There is nothing in my life that is actually the way that I saw it only 60 days ago.

So the marriage that I was hell bent on fixing never really existed. You can't fix something that does not exist. I suppose it has made things a little easier for me because I thought fixing it was going to be hard to do. That is off my plate now.

The truth can be a hard thing. Correction: is a hard thing.

"You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes."

So do you want to see where the rabbit hole goes? See what humanity really is? Others and your self? Literally, your self? Because you just got dropped into the Petri Dish of it. The journey starts with un-knowing all the stuff you thought you knew, and you are already primed for that.

Strap on your seatbelt, bumpy ride ahead, shipmate, but the truth awaits.

Sending strength!

I suppose that I do not have to worry too much about fixing my marriage. At first finding out about my wife's affair I was devastated and all that I wanted to do was save my perfect, match made in heaven, marriage. After many discussions with my wife I have came to the conclusion that I was living in a alter-reality. My perfect marriage that I thought was straight out of a fairy tale, come to find out was not so special. We had problems, apparently major problems.

My soulmate, my match made in heaven, the one that has my back, the girl of my dreams, was just that, a dream. I had said many times to her that if it were not for me she would have been a nun. So perfect, so lady like, I had no idea that she was her own person that would go out and get a stud just for sex.

Then there is me. I thought of myself as caring, loving, crazy about my wife, and I tried hard to provide for my family. In actuality I am a overbearing, railroading (I will not let my wife talk), dictator like, materialistic (I do like nice things) ass whole.

There is nothing in my life that is actually the way that I saw it only 60 days ago.

So the marriage that I was hell bent on fixing never really existed. You can't fix something that does not exist. I suppose it has made things a little easier for me because I thought fixing it was going to be hard to do. That is off my plate now.

I would like to know what did she say exactly to make you "know" these things now. The reason I ask is that not only is the pedestal crumbling but it is actually sinking into the ground - she is notonly not the goddess on the pedestal but she is actually less than a normal flawed human being!

She is sorry because she made a bad choice. But the fact that she made that choice is part of who she is. She never saw your marriage as special. She always had it in her to get what she wanted but in a sly and sneaky way.

Why dont the two of you just do what you originally said you would do - get divorced and see how things pan out after that. If she pursues you then maybe you have something TO BUILD A NEW MARRIAGE on - just like you would with any other woman you meet after divorce. And do go out and seek out other women after divorce. You have to accept (and I think you have) that the old marriage wasnt what you thought and that it is truly over. So divorce (but do not leave everything to her - try and keep as much as you can).

Then once you are divorced, go out and date. If she wants to she can come after you. Lets see if she wants to pursue this loudmouthed overbearing materialistic mand that she described you as. If not you have your answer and you are finally free. If she does come after you make sure you really understand and believe why.

Good luck and stay strong. Get rid of her and see what happens. Its gotta be better than the hell you are going through right now.

[This message edited by manfromlamancha at 10:52 AM, November 14th (Tuesday)]

I have nothing new or much different than when I started. I look at everything from every angle and every point of view. We are in counseling, I am not sure what kind. I am trying to get past it but it is difficult for me. I can't stop thinking about it. She had never been with anyone except me. I am having difficulty with that.

It's cool, I was just wondering where you were. I totally understand. She had never been with anyone else. She was special. She was pure. Now you know she isn't. She has, indeed, been with someone else. I guess you could divorce her and move on but unless you go find yourself a nice 15 year old in a country that allows such things then guess what? She will have been with other people too.

With cheaters we have to judge their actions. Your wife's actions are of a woman who did have an indiscretion but who wised up and dedicated herself to the marriage. She could have left you. She could have taken this secret to the grave. She could have continued to cheat. She did it, she realized that the grass isn't greener out there and she chose you again.

The first time she chose you she had nothing to go on because she was young and inexperienced. This time she has been with someone else and she still chose you. You won. Her AP lost. She could have ran off with him. She didn't. You have a wife that chose her marriage, learned from her horrible decision, and has dedicated her life to you.

In the grand scheme of things, you're doing pretty good. Read my profile. My wife chose the OM, ran off, and took our child with her. I never got a chance to fight for her. She never came back. She didn't wise up and realize I was the better choice like your wife did.

I really hope you don't over-analyze this to the point of ending your marriage. The world isn't black and white. Your wife has flaws but remember this, she knows all your darkest secrets. She knows all your faults and she still chose you, loves you, and has been a great spouse for her entire life.

I really seriously hope that you can let this go and spend your golden years with your high school sweetheart. Maybe you two learn to communicate better as a result of this. She did it. It can't be undone. Obviously she loves you and wants to spend her life with you. I'm really hoping you guys work it out.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 12:35 PM, November 14th (Tuesday)]

CIncy

I wanted you to know that your post was spot on, thoughtful and fantastic. I hope it helps 36 in his struggles.

I know it’s never easy to write about or look at the bright sides when it comes to infidelity but you have come as close to perfect as one can when trying.

Thank you for those words. Some of the best.