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Then I used that anger to lock the doors and unplug the garage door opener.

That could have gone better. On the up side, you didn't wake up in jail this morning. You've been very lucky. You cannot repeat this behavior. You cannot lock your spouse out of the house before a separation and property agreement. Even if you own all of it.

As repellent as your wife may be, you must NOT engage. Try to work on the anger, it is not serving you well here. It's natural to be angry, given her betrayal and treatment of you. It is NOT wise to let it get ahold of you to the point where you set yourself up for a fall. You already KNOW she is your adversary, in every meaningful way. Don't give her ammunition, for God's sake.

Lay off the booze, completely, until this thing is closer to the finish line. It's a marathon, not a sprint, and you can't stumble like this again.

Brother, she is deliberately doing this so to be the victim.

It is never ok for any person to abuse, either, physically, emotionally, financially, Psychology etc.

VAR at all times. If she comes at you in your face or pushing you.

Passive tone ‘This is not productive to push or assault me, please step back’ keep your hands up in a non threatening gesture and take a half step back. Remember she may have a camera rolling. Always think what it looks like as a third party witness. She may be a weight lifting person and you a small stature. It doesn’t matter. I teach female self defence and males are just as much a victim.

Strength to you, one day at a time.

Buffer

I have to suggest for the time being, no drinking, unless YOU are going out and plan to stay out with a friend or relative. Your kids are old enough. If you need to blow off steam, get out of the house where you can't get yourself in trouble.

Also, start the 180 TODAY. Disengage.

There is no need for a family talk. You can tell your kids that you will always be there for them and if they want to live with you, that is what will happen.

No reason to give your STBXWW an opportunity to manipulate the situation or pretend like you are a happy family. The reality is there WILL be change. It sucks, but that is the truth. The sooner they start to deal with it, the better. You can ask them if they would like to speak to a counselor, or do family counseling with them. Leave WW out of it. Clearly she is selfish and has no shame.

Read Biggers post again.

Keep a VAR on you at all times w/ any interactions w/ your wife.

She is ready to pull the plug on this, and burn you down as she does it.

Did you ever see an attorney? If not get it done. You need direction, and understand how her making a DV claim true or false against you could screw you over.

Everybody in the last few comments has given you great advice, listen to them. Stay off the booze for an indefinite amount of time and control your behaviour.

I just want to add: find healhty ways to release your anger.

1. Read and post on here a lot. We know what you're going through.

2. Exercise. Weight lifting or cardio or whatever floats your boat.

3. Eat well. If you can't have food because you're suffering from the infidelity diet, shakes are your friend. Easy to ingest and make sure they have all the nutrients you need.

4. Sleep well. You need a clear head and a healthy mind.

5. Talk to friends, you've mentioned 2 good friends before, find them. Exercise with them. Call them.

Just a quick note.

You have the POS's first name. Review her social media (if you are not blocked already). Who are her named friends? Who follows her? I am willing to be if it's not that common a name you will have a very narrow list of candidates for the POS very quickly.

You've probably already thought of that, but just in case...

BSHusbandWI

It’s not that we don ‘t get how hard this is. In fact, it’s the exact opposite – we KNOW how hard it is because we have been there. None of us made the perfect separation, perfect detachment, perfect response to infidelity. But most of us made it out via D or R and most of us have had time to reflect on what we did right and what we did wrong.

We have been hitting you hard for last night. OK – it’s over and it does seem that you got away with it on the main parts. I’m not clear on if her friend(s) witnessed this but her propaganda victory is the shallow “now you see what I’m dealing with and why this marriage is dead” type. Since nobody “wins” divorce then let her enjoy her victory because it doesn’t matter in any way or shape. What her friends think of you now or 3 years from now is totally irrelevant if you divorce.

For now focus on you and your sons.

I would suggest talking to them and explaining your situation in a clear and calm manner. NEVER ask they take sides and never badmouth their mom. Simply stick to the truth adapted to their age: Your wife (who is their mom) is having an affair and won’t stop it or take the action you need to believe it’s over. You can’t accept your wife having a lover. This is causing you immense pain and turmoil but that you realize that there is no basis for a marriage with ongoing infidelity. No – it’s not a mistake but a series of decision. If they ask why you don’t forgive her then tell them it’s not so much about forgiveness but rather the commitment to the marriage. It’s your view that she is not willing to do what is needed to end the affair like letting you know who OM is. That knowledge is the key to you knowing if the marriage is over or not or can be reconciled. Make it clear to them that you don’t want them to take sides and that you have no doubt of their moms love for them. This is not their fight, but it will definitely impact them in some way.

Be clear to them that your actions yesterday were not the actions you want them to see, but that emotionally this is hard.

Focus on you.

Do you exercise? Take up walking or jogging. Go to the driving range. Mow your lawn. Wax your car. Get out into fresh air and do mundane manual work that makes you tired.

Eat. Preferably healthy, but the focus should be on making sure you have energy. If that’s a burger and a shake then it beats being hungry and weak.

Drink liquids but stay away from booze.

Take time out from the affair. I like to pretend my theory on the name of the OM coming out eventually is proving correct. Already have the first name. IF you are focused on divorce then focus your energy there and take a time-out on other aspects of your relationship. IMHO you don’t have the strength and time to focus on you, the divorce and cracking the affair.

If you have some hope or wish of reconciling the emphasis, speed and focus might change, but based on what you have shared I don’t see that.

Two years of no intimacy and snickering.

No emotional attachment and may be caring for you even less than someone you know at friend level.

No remorse and withholding information after DDay.

Showing random gestures to keep you in tow that also confuse you.

Whether you want R or D your first priority at the moment should be taking care of yourself and kids like finding a job if that is in your priority list.

One thing I always recommend to betrayed spouses is that they familiarize themselves with the concept of "FUNDAMENTAL ATTRIBUTION ERROR".

Essentially, what this is is being observed by outsiders while you are responding to your spouses incredible abuse. The outsider sees only your behavior, not that this is an atypical behavior for you in response to being abused and traumatized.

One example I see is of a driver, speeding, cutting in and out of traffic, blowing through stop signs. Outside observers see this and immediately conclude you are a maniac. They have no idea you are heading to the hospital with a badly injured child in the backseat.

The aftermath of discovery is, in many cases, a battle of image management. You need to be aware that your spouse is, in many cases, highly invested in painting you as a maniac, abusive, controlling jerk. And, you play right into her hands if you react in an understandable but flagrant manner.

Outsiders may have no idea of what you are dealing with or, if they do, especially if they have never been on the recieving end of infidelity, assume that this is your normal way of acting. Then, they think it is understandable that a woman would cheat on such a person.

Instinctively, I was aware of this when it happened to me. My wife came home once and woke me from a sound sleep to describe in detail the body of the man she had just been with. She was trying to get me to react in a manner that she could point to as abusive, so she could sell that.

Fortunately, my training as a trial lawyer helped me realize exactly what she was doing and I did not react. I was angry, hurt etc but you would never know it.

You are playing with fire with this woman. Believe me, she is trying to set you up. She may not know of the concept of Fundamental Attribution Error per se, but, instinctively, she is trying to employ it.

PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

...side note- I'm having a hard time containing my anger.

Amen, brother.

If you really dig in on it, you'll find that 99% of anger comes from a loss of control, and is an attempt to regain control. Is there ever anything more empowering and control-grabbing than a full-on rage? All that nuance and avoiding breaking glass goes out the window, and you suddenly have a blinding clarity of purpose. People get to respond to you for a change.

Ask yourself that night what control you lost, that you were taking back. Take that same anger, and now channel it cooly, methodically, relentlessly to regain the control.

But also take the time to think through, deeply, and identify those things that you cannot have control over. Starting with her feelings and actions. Write them down if you have to. Because getting angry about something you can't ever control doesn't work, but can land you in jail.

Sending strength!

thank you everyone.

I was trying to get my wife to agree to arbitration because of the costs. 1 lawyer representing both of us. I think the only things we disagree on is alimony. That gets calculated pretty standard here in my state.

The VAR told me that she visited her sister. As i'm sure is normal, she's on WW's side. No surprise. Even offered up a lawyers name. Also, based on VAR, it sounds like she didn't tell her sister about the affair. Do I e-mail her sister with the text log? If so what do i say?

I wouldn't do anything that exposes the existence of the VAR. If you email the sister won't she know you heard their conversation?

In some states, adultery can mitigate or even nullify alimony. If yours is one such, you can use that threat to get a better deal. The threat of deposing the OM can typically get you some mileage too, so keep endeavoring to find out who it is.

In terms of the SIL, remember that exposure isn't necessary when you're going straight to D. There's always time after the settlement is done if it's just a matter of making sure everyone has the correct narrative. In attempted R, we use exposure to put pressure on the WS, to get them thinking about what their affair is costing them. In D though, all you care about is getting through the process. It's a business deal, nothing more, nothing less. And all your moves are designed to get you the best package possible. Allowing your STBX to believe that she's going to control the narrative can work in your favor by making her more complacent.

Even offered up a lawyers name.

Set up a meeting with that lawyer for a consultation before she does, and then they can’t work for her. Easy dick move.

DEFINITELY set up a consult with that lawyer. "Hey, I didn't know honey!"

I would share some pertinent details with the sister, and the rest of her family. Explain what you found out, and WHY you are getting a divorce.

Stay calm.

Set up a meeting with that lawyer for a consultation before she does, and then they can’t work for her. Easy dick move.

to be clear, I don't know the name of the lawyer. Heard her on the VAR voice texting her sister to give her the name of the lawyer.

As far as mitigating or eliminating alimony due to cheating... That's not how it works where I live. I love in a "No fault" state.

HouseOfPlane:

Thanks, that's helpful advice on how to think about the anger. I'm going to equate the rest of the process as a project plan. With milestones and a specific plan. Kinda like I'm @ work. With I think that will keep me focused and on the right track.

The VAR from this morning where she demanded take the 16yo boy to an activity was sucky. She told him I was being very mean and spiteful. And that she made a mistake, but she doesn't deserve to be treated that way. Then she went into her mantra of how unhappy she was (woe is me - and so sad and unhappy for so many years).

I am going to let him know the facts... I love you. You are my son. I will always love you and be here for you. AND yes, we weren't happy, but the answer to that is not to cheat on your spouse. And that it was not a mistake as she calls it... It was a series of hundreds of decisions over the course of more than five months where she actively decided to cheat and while she did that she lied to us as to where she was and what she was doing. That is why we are here right now and Then I'll review my emotions and that I got angry (the other night) and that was wrong. I'll promise to do my best to continue to be the best father. I will always love him and I know his mom will too. I'm going to tell him that we're going to get a divorce and that we'll make it as easy as we can on all of us.

I pick him up in 2.5 hours. any advice on talking with him would be nice.

Wait to check if the son bring it up and continue from there.

If that did not happen start a casual conversation without alluding to your knowing. You need to be careful depending on how attached he is to his mother.

Since WW is influencing son you too have a right to talk about it

Concure^^^. Also yes to expose her wayward ways to all within her family, as well as yours. She is manipulating everyone so she smells like roses.

Buffer

[This message edited by Buffer at 6:32 PM, June 29th (Monday)]

it was not a mistake as she calls it... It was a series of hundreds of decisions over the course of more than five months where she actively decided to cheat and while she did that she lied to us as to where she was and what she was doing. That is why we are here right now

I also was angered to hear my XW use the phrase "it was a mistake on my part".. "A mistake? really? You must have made that mistake a dozen times or more by my reckoning. You are making a lot of mistakes!" I think that notion you are focusing on, that this was an act of free will on your wife's part.. is crucial. It's a simple phrase-- she chose to do this, but it has an impact and it's exactly the language I would use with your son. My son was about the same age when I had the exact same discussion with him. As I've said many times since finding SI, I wish I had known this stuff back then. Sigh.

and Then I'll review my emotions and that I got angry (the other night) and that was wrong. I'll promise to do my best to continue to be the best father. I will always love him and I know his mom will too. I'm going to tell him that we're going to get a divorce and that we'll make it as easy as we can on all of us.

Your approach is good-- reassure him you weren't angry with him, you meant her no actual harm, but you are full of disappointment and hurt at your wife's actions and it was hard not to lose your cool. Tell him the most important thing in your view now is making sure he's not blindsided or hurt by the actions of his parents. You can't control his mom and don't want to. You can only control what YOU do. It's an emotional, hurtful time. You can't change that either. You will just do your best to be the best dad you can be for him, no matter what happens.

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:41 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]