SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

doubled up

[This message edited by stretch13 at 8:41 AM, June 1st (Friday)]

While I usually don't post, I just read and pray for people here, I read through this particular thread and felt compelled to say something.

You never had the transition between being a teenager to being a young adult. You went from teenager to adult in the blink of an eye. I know, because I did the same thing when I was your age. I was 17 and had a 5 year relationship with a man 10 years older than me. Big difference though, is that I never had any kids. You are married to a man that has kept you barefoot and pregnant, belittled and demeaned you for 18 years and from reading through your posts, has quite obviously never really LOVED you. Even if that isn't lipstick on those underwear, please realize that you deserve more. If you leave, you CAN find a way to continue to raise your kids, finish school and get a career...be something more for yourself in life. You seem to be quite an intelligent woman....read back through your posts and soak in what YOU have said. We are all hearing you loud and clear...but do you hear you?

Bless you and I really hope everything gets better for you.

(((hugs)))

First off, if the bimbo gets him, she is getting what she deserves. He is no prize. I don't care how much money he makes; there is no amount of money that would make me consider living with a man like that.

You will be okay on your own. You will. One step at a time, remember? You don't have to jump out and do everything all at once. That is pretty much impossible. Just start working with an advocate who will help train you in the skills you need to survive.

People do care. We care here, very much. Enough to keep coming back to your thread to support you.

Your advocate will care. Your advocate will not tell you....don't bother me, I'm busy.

Your IC will care. They are usually very caring people. Again, interview first to make sure you get a good one.

If your WS cheated on you with the bimbo, he will cheat on her also at some point. Then she will be the one with the twisted gut and the strange marks on the underwear and the lies and blameshifting. Let her have him. Maybe it will distract him enough that he doesn't even come after the kids.

Plus, it won't look good in court. Even if they say they don't make decisions on adultery, most judges don't like it and will lean more your way.

I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I know that is a horrible thing to have to deal with on top of all this other stuff right now. Please please get some support in your area. You are not supposed to be doing all this alone!

Chalice, thank you for that. I appreciate all the encouraging posts on here because sometimes I just don't feel that smart.

I'm an independent learner. I finished high-school and most of my college at home, of course due to the fact he didn't want me in a real school.

I'm going to use my purple journal my sister gave me a long time ago and start setting goals, however small. I want to finish that collage course. The truth is that I may have to redo several classes if the requirements to my degree changed any. I'm so far in debt with Sallie Mae. H was paying them and then stopped in 2008. Now they're hounding me but they can't get water from a stone.

I have interests, I love babies(obviously) especially the little premature babies that need extra love. I bet I could help them to grow by holding them and infant massage.

I like the idea of helping people. Even becoming a social worker or doing something with social work is a possibility with the degree program I have.

I don't know what the next month holds for this family. The fear is whats killing me. My husband and his bimbo can have each other and all the riches in the world, but not my kids! I wish I could just move far away from him. I don't know if I can legally leave the state, though.

Oh, and today he told me that I really needed to get some serious help. (because I'm upset at him for the underwear)

ION-

Try not to focus on them. Focus on you and what you can do. Begin doing some of the things on the 180 list to discover yourself. I imagine you've always been a role rather than yourself. Daughter, wife, friend, lover, mother...

Have the older kids help out and use what time you can salvage to explore who ION is.

One of the first things I would do is find a new church. I know how it feels to get the brushoff from your pastor when you're hurting. Talk to people you know, find a church that is a family rather than a congregation. IME it's not the denomination that matters so much as the people in the church so branch out if you have to.

I know a pastor who does counseling through Skype if needed. I can give you his info or see if he knows someone for you to talk to.

You can also see if there's a local BAN group. Beyondaffairs.com

My group has only met twice but it really helps.

Try not to dwell in the negative. It comes on you often enough without letting it rule you. Focus on what is happening. What you can do. Plan for what might happen but try not to make it so real it hinders you. Because who knows, maybe your H will become the man he has yet to be. If not, then getting stronger in who you are will serve you well.

(((Naive))) You do care, I know. I love all of you because you are my family right now.

Yes, the stuff with my mom is hard, especially because she knows something is up. I keep her off the subject of my h. She's broken apart that she cannot go home. I try to detach myself from my problems for a while. Today I visited her at the nursing/rehab home. They want to keep her there. She is against assisted living facilities, but we've seen better then where she is. Some have their own apartments. She agreed that if I found her one to look at she would look. Getting her settled is a big priority right now. The pain she is feeling. She just turned 70 on April 5. She is still so young.

Holly, I do have a couple churches in mind. I've always been Evangelical-Free but I will branch out. Its not about the denomination. There is a church called Door of Hope by me and I'm thinking, that may be it. They have a Christian pre-school that I would like to send my 2 year old to in a year or so.

ION

I logged on just to check on you this afternoon.

After reading your comments and recent posts -- what I want to say to you first is that the way my fWH treated me is FAR WORSE than my XH hitting me. There is no comparison.

It's hard to see that when you're in the middle of being emotionally and financially abused, because it's like being slowly boiled in water. But once you're out ...

i love the way you are talking right now ION...little bits of hope everywhere. you are so much smarter, cooler and stronger than you've ever been allowed to believe...but it's poking through and i think you can feel it a little too

i know your strength will come and go, so don't worry when that happens. you did a wonderful thing landing here.

((((ion))))

We're EF too. I know a good church in NC and an ok one in MD.

In your situation I'd post on the EFCA FB page asking if this is how pastors in their churches are supposed to treat their flock.

https://www.facebook.com/my.efca

Heck, let me know if you want me to and I'll post it- just be ready to pass the info about which pastor it is if they ask.

IMO its unacceptable for a church to not minister to the needs of their flock.

IMO its unacceptable for a church to not minister to the needs of their flock.

Agreed. I'm Catholic and two priests spent a lot of time with me after Dday, as well as a counselor from Catholic Charities. I think that support can be wonderful -- it was for me.

I'm so sorry. its pathetic of him to tell him you need help. the only reason he is doing this is to get the focus off of him. my counselor just told me that yesterday bc my husband has told me that so many times I've lost count. ((hugs))

I'm so sorry. its pathetic of him to tell him you need help. the only reason he is doing this is to get the focus off of him. my counselor just told me that yesterday bc my husband has told me that so many times I've lost count. ((hugs))

I'm so sorry. its pathetic of him to tell him you need help. the only reason he is doing this is to get the focus off of him. my counselor just told me that yesterday bc my husband has told me that so many times I've lost count. ((hugs))

I'm so sorry. its pathetic of him to tell him you need help. the only reason he is doing this is to get the focus off of him. my counselor just told me that yesterday bc my husband has told me that so many times I've lost count. ((hugs))

Let's try to break some of these things down so they aren't so overwhelming as a group.

Oh, and today he told me that I really needed to get some serious help.

At this point, when he blasts you with things like this...think of projecting. I have to keep interjecting with my explanations that my husband is a repeat offender it's highly probable he's bipolar...so I've been to the rodeo so much, I'm should be called in as a clown for the bullriders!

My H also started saying a lot of crap like this, this last time and I'd listen & think or actually say "pot calls kettle black" because he was projecting his ills onto me. Your H is the one that needs serious help, as well as he should be asking himself how he's going to get by if you get divorced...and continue to ask as he lives in his car, eating his pork and beans.

As for your mom? Ack, she's only 6 years older than I. Is this a rehab home that wants to keep her or a long term residential home? There could be financial motivations behind their call to keep her. I'd have a serious consultation w a doctor independent of that home & consider that her getting a caregiver, either live-in or daily, meals on wheels, a housekeeper, visiting nurse or any combo of these things might not only be cheaper, but allow her to live more independently at home.

And keep the thoughts that as a SAHM, this man will never get full custody of your children. Those are empty threats...would he really want to ruin his fun, what with taking care of the kids fulltime?

[This message edited by oldtimer97 at 12:40 AM, June 2nd (Saturday)]

ION, when he says you need serious help, take him at his word. Tell him he's right about you needing help and thank him for his concern. Tell him you've found a counselor and made an appointment. Let him know that he will need to watch the children so that you can attend this session, and that you will likely be making regular follow up appointments as well.

Everyone here is right about you being in the shit, even if you can't see it yourself at the moment. Take it one moment, one day at a time, but keep moving forward. And for goodness sake, STOP worrying about your children being taken away from you. That is just not even remotely likely to happen. You have plenty of things to worry about, but that is just not one of them.

I was you when i was 17. I married a man the month after i turned 17, he never hit me while dating, but soon after...it started.

It started with a slap to the face infront of a friend. Quickly progressed to multiple infidelities, some drug use, and he became a thief. He once was driving and i had caught him cheating and was yelling at him and he started punching my arm hard..i jumped OUT OF A MOVING vehicle and ran to a convience store, where he grabbed me by my hair and drug me back to the car while people WATCHED. He once chased me outside and smashed my head into the concrete so hard i was bloodied. He broke my hand once stomping on it. I have had broken ribs also. He once knocked me unconcious and i went to the hospital, and had to be admitted for a concussion. I told them i fell out of bed and hit a SHOE...wtf. I was insane also. Then he was arrested for RAPING A 23 YR OLD COLLEGE STUDENT WHILE HOLDING A KNIFE TO HER THROAT. He was sentenced to 25 yrs in prison. If it weren't for that poor girl...he would have eventually killed me. I know he would. Since then he has gone back to prison for child molestation. My only sense of satisfaction is knowing his ass has been raped mulitple times i'm sure. Prisoners do not take kindly to rapists and child molesters.

My point to this story is that IF I HAD NOT GOTTEN AWAY..i'd be dead. WIll he kill you? I do not know, is there rage like that somewhere down deep inside? YES. No man who will do those things to a woman just "get better" on thier own. THere is counseling, there are meds and diseases that can cause a violent person to be violent, but somewhere down deep he was wired that way. It may just be in remission.

Something someday can trigger it back. Do not think for one minute you are safe where you are. You are not. I'm a nurse and see the abuse to children all the time, its horrifying. I had a baby once i cared for who her dad had shook because she wouldnt stop crying. He had 3 other children he never hurt, but this one, he snapped on.

I'm not trying to freak you out, but you need to get away from him pronto. He is STILL THE ABUSIVE MAN YOU MARRIED..He has just changed his METHOD OF ABUSE. Back in my day (this was in 1981) it was "ok" to beat your wife. Cops didnt want to get involved in family affairs. I was sent to a womens shelter once and cops came, took pictures, then DROVE ME HOME..told him not to do it again and left me there

I can assure you it happened again, and again and again. I was so young, had no family within 300 miles, he wouldnt let me get a job, we were always broke, etc. Seriously i owe the woman he raped, my life. I didnt even have a car.

Emotional abuse is just as bad, its just another form. Maybe its not life threatening in the moment, but its killing you on the inside..and you just never know when that other side of him will rear his ugly head again.

We want you to be safe. This forum is for all of us, most of us are hear with pain of infidelity, most do not bear your scars and situation, but the top priority for you is to be safe and keep those babies safe.

Angel, that's horrible what you went through. I hope he's still in jail!

I cannot believe the police drove you home. What a day to live in, where the authorities felt women were like children. Thank God there are ways out today.

I don't know what to do. I feel so angry at him lately.

I really do feel that he has cheated on me and that is what brought me here. I have a lot of reasons to feel that he's cheated, although he won't admit to them. From what I read on here, that's not uncommon.

Now that I've been here, though, the emotions of the past abuse and current emotional abuse have been coming out. They've always been there, but I've been thinking more and more about them.

He treats me like a child an I don't think he'll ever see me as anything else.

The way he talks to me is degrading and I tell him when he does it, but he mocks me and starts saying, "I know, everything is abuse" and rolls his eyes.

I haven't been on this weekend since he is usually home most of the time.