SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This was child abuse. I really am traumatized. The more I talk about it and think about it, I realize that I may need to talk with someone, not just about marriage, but about the stuff that has gone on a lifetime ago.

Yes. Many people that go thru sustained abuse and control end up with PTSD. I have that. Actually if it is a sustained period of time, it is called C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Google that.

Abuse does not have to be physical to be abuse. Emotional/verbal/sexual/psychological abuse is all very damaging.

That is why you do need help. The shelter will help you find yourself again and get back on your feet. A good IC will help you find your strength and remember who you really are down deep. That amazing girl that everyone looked up to is still in there. She is just covered in a pile of sh*t that her husband has piled on her. Once you start digging and get rid of that, your light will shine again.

You are not too old. I was 40 when I left my abuser. Remember leaving is the most dangerous time and do not try to do that on your own.

While you stay, keep educating yourself and finding small ways to help yourself, by putting little bits of money away, (I would say get a job but I doubt he would let you, or if you did, he would sabotage it. Mine did. He got me fired by messing with my boss's computers.)

Hang in there. We are here for you. There is a lot of support out here if you know where to look. There are even scholarships to help abuse survivors go back to school to get a degree.

You are a beautiful soul with gifts to give. Right now, let others help you so you can find those gifts!

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 5:03 PM, May 25th (Friday)]

My WS at the time was not physically abusive but my IC at the time really made me look back at how our relationship started and what it was like and I too started to admit to things and started to uncover some pretty bad things that I had closed down inside my head, treatment I wanted to forget about but kept is so far under that it took awhile to get it to surface. My IC at the time probably thought I was crazy as I would usually email him 2 or 3 days after an app't, when I was able to admit or think about some subject we had talked about and I would write and write and write...it was like so cathartic to just spew it all out...he would respond back with 1 or 2 sentences but it was a great way to just unleash things I needed to get out.

This is so true. It is all coming back like a flood and its very cathartic. Its almost healing to write it down here. I will talk to a counselor. He doesn't care if I go, honestly anytime that I ever have gone to counseling they want to talk to him and he "hijacks" my sessions telling them how "troubled" I am because of my childhood and how I can't trust anyone and that Its because of my father. I eventually just stopped going.

I've tried so many times.

IDKAM, I don't think he will let me work outside the home. I have thought about it before and he always says that he wants me to stay with the babies, but then he rubs it in my face that he "supports" me. It makes me feel like garbage when he says this. I contribute too! He just doesn't see being a SAHM as a contribution even if he says he does to everyone else.

The other poster is right, he probably won't encourage me to do this.

Hopetosurvive98, and to all of you, thank you for being supportive of me sharing this. It helps to have friends, even if online only, to help me through this and think about what I really want in life for the kids and for me.

CH, its true, he can't abuse me physically so he does it emotionally. He makes me feel like I'm crazy. If I question him on anything he tells me to "get some help".

Naive, I do want to leave in reality. I wish that I could, and yes, to answer another poster, not knowing how to leave is the main problem. This is all I've known. I don't even know where to start. I don't have family that cares or could help in real life, except for my sister in Florida, but she's just starting again too. As much as I want to pack up pictures, clothes, toys and just go to Florida and start life again, I can't take the kids out of state, I'm pretty sure that would be against the law and he would have them brought back to CT. My sister told me about place by her that has four bdrm condos. They looked so nice when I viewed them online. They were fresh and clean just like new hope and a new life. (Sigh) I can dream I guess.

C-PTSD makes sense too. I was also raised in an abusive home. My mom had enough love for me to cover my dads emotional abuse to me. He wouldn't talk to me for months at a time at age 6! He used to beat me with a belt, he raped my sister for 7 years from age 13-19. My mom said she didn't know, maybe she didn't want to see. Home, no matter where its been, has NEVER ever been safe and comforting.

I will talk to a counselor.

PM'ing you now.

Not just a counselor. The women's shelter too. You need all the help you can get. I did both. They were both crucial to my healing and moving on for different reasons. The one thing I had though that you do not is that I knew I could survive on my own.

So I did not need to take advantage of the programs that most women's shelters offer, which is helping you from the ground up. They deal with your type of situation ALL THE TIME. They understand that if a woman has been abused and made to feel helpless (learned helplessness, which is also a product of sustained abuse), then she will not know that she can survive on her own.

They can help you learn how to do all that, and it will take time, but that is okay.

Just a little bit at a time, at a pace you can deal with. You are doing so well. You have made a lot of progress since you first started this thread!

Do not let your husband come to your counseling sessions. If you do, do it only once or twice so the counselor can see what you are dealing with. And important, interview your counselor first! They are not all the same. Make sure you get one that understands abuse and personality disorders and PTSD. There are many, many good counselors out there, but like all professions, there are a few that are inadequate. You will know if yours is a good counselor because you will feel validated and believed. A good counselor will NOT judge you, at all. A good counselor can truly be a lifesaver. If you do not like or feel comfortable with the one you have, find a new one. And don't be afraid to ask your counselor any questions you need to ask, including how they are going to treat you, what type of treatment they will be using, and whether or not they are familiar with the types of issues you are dealing with. Some counselors specialize in certain things.

I'm having a hard time today. For some reason that I don't understand, it feels worse when my wh is at work. When he's home we argue a lot of the time, but when he goes back to work I feel sick.

I am co-dependant in the worst way and thats why I don't want to leave. I'm scared to be without him. Its hard for others to understand why I want to be with him but I feel so attached, like I can't live without him. Its helpless.

I'm still waiting on the forensics test. They told me 2 weeks. It arrived on Saturday, according to delivery confirmation.

This weekend was horrible. I tried to make it good for the kids. I cleaned off the patio and my husband grilled hot dogs for the kids and himself. I didn't eat of course. I feel fat and ugly right now so I had a salad wrap. It was good, but I'm seriously watching what I eat, not that I really feel like eating anyway.

I sat outside on a blanket in the yard for a while with the baby. I just moped around. My oldest son knows because he heard us arguing. He's 16. I had to explain it to him in the gentlest way possible. He started telling me that it was from the house or my lipstick or something. I don't wear lipstick, I don't own it. I wear lipgloss and already did a test trying to duplicate the stain and my tinted lipgloss came almost all the way off in the wash after just one wash. When I showed my son the pictures, he started crying because he could see what I saw. He can't even look at his dad. I feel so bad and so embarrassed right now.

When I showed my son the pictures, he started crying because he could see what I saw

Oh, that breaks my heart. (((itsovernowDS16))) Why don't these WS's realize they are breaking their children's hearts too?

GGGRRRRR!!!!

I am sorry you are feeling the way you are, but you nailed it, sweetie. You are co-dependent. (((itsovernow)))

So how do I change that. Its literally a lifetime of co-dependency. Its so ingrained in my very being, our lives are intertwined so tightly.

When the surgeons separate conjoined twins they have to proceed so carefully because its such an intricate surgery. One wrong move and the other will die, however if they stay together, their quality of lives will be less then ideal.

This is how I feel.

Even if he's "killing" me emotionally, spiritually, and mentally, to sever myself from him seems so painful, its like I'd rather live in the pain then to live without him even though he's a poison to me.

So how do I change that. Its literally a lifetime of co-dependency. Its so ingrained in my very being, our lives are intertwined so tightly.

yes, they are. you are bound by attachments...that's how we all start down this recovery, bound to unhealthy patterns by our attachments.

i thought about it like this and it helped. my XH and I were bound together by a million threads...like ropes of human hair. if i pulled on a whole rope all at once, it wouldn't break, it just tried to break my head instead (scalp.)

so i just started detaching and detangling one little hair at a time, eventually i broke broke free. one hair here (i won't let you talk to me that way), one hair there (you must meet my minimum conditions and treat me with dignity), a patch of hair here (thanks, IC, yes i AM worth something), a patch there (i am an interesting, strong person and he better start to appreciate it), to one last yank on a few remaining....(this HURTS, but i'm outa here...ouch!!! ahhhh, there we go).

don't comb through it all. just try to break a few (don't make that call. go for a walk. don't respond to his negativity, skip doing that nice thing for him. walk away instead of begging)...hair by hair, you detach. you keep a good strong hold, even as you slowly weaken the bond. pretty soon you'll see that he doesn't control all of this, and eventually, maybe you'll decide to get out the scissors and cut the whole damn thing free early. but no need to think that far ahead...one little hair at a time.

Your post reminded me of the song "Your Cloud" by Tori Amos. I've listened to it a few times since this all started. (((its)))

I highly recommend the book, "Love Without Hurt" by Steve Stonsky. You and your husband can both read it. It goes over codependency, and various forms of abuse, as well as gives you tips on how to deal. The best part is a boot camp section for the abuser that is pretty effective at creating change.

Good luck.

Yep, listened to the song. Yes, its very much a reminder of how "we" are.

This is just such a "hard to function day". :( Baby 1 brought me his shoes, baby 2 is in her bumbo seat. I need to get out of this funk for them, but how? I wish I could find the motivation and happiness to leave this couch and leave the pain for a while. I love the babies so much and want to make them happy but its hard to give something I don't have.

Do not let your husband come to your counseling sessions.

If you do, do it only once or twice so the counselor can see what you are dealing with. And important, interview your counselor first! They are not all the same. Make sure you get one that understands abuse and personality disorders and PTSD.

Very key. I can sum my my experience in having my fWH go to counseling with me to see my IC (one time, at my IC's request) Next session: my IC looks at me and says "so, do you think he's a sociopath or just highly narcissistic?"....

Breaking attachments is hard. so, there's a great book by melody beattie called Make Miracles in 40 days that might be helpful for you. Also, another one of her books, The New Codependency, is a great starting point for anyone facing the challenges you're under right now.

This is just such a "hard to function day". :( Baby 1 brought me his shoes, baby 2 is in her bumbo seat. I need to get out of this funk for them, but how? I wish I could find the motivation and happiness to leave this couch and leave the pain for a while. I love the babies so much and want to make them happy but its hard to give something I don't have.

i know... ...i SO remember those days. i remember drifting in and out of reality almost while dd (10 months old then) played with something for 3 minutes...then i'd find something else for 3 minutes. i hung on for naps because the i could stare and cry without doing it in front of her.

i have a happy, healthy dd3. you do what you can. you lay on the floor and if they distract for 30 seconds, that's 30 seconds you didn't spend thinking about all this crap. keep your expectations low and give them what you do have...don't worry about what you think you don't have. they are little, they need your love, they need you nearby, you WISH you could give them all the "happy mommy" they deserve...but this A thing makes us wish a lot of things, doesn't it?

it will be ok. take it easy on you. survive. keep them alive. everything else is heroic. hell showing up is heroic.

((((itsovernow))))

Just take the babies outside into the fresh air. Maybe they'll make you happy. Ususally a little fresh air and sunshine works wonders on kids, and us too.

I went outside, its really hot here today. I laid out a blanket, put up a beach umbrella, but it was just too hot. My daughter wasn't happy and my son wasn't playing with his stuff. We ended up taking a walk with the stroller around the neighborhood.

Its hard not to think about this and dwell on this. I feel that if he's so dishonest what else has he lied to me about? Is everything a lie, is he a serial cheater?

I wonder if he's a sociopath. He's been arrested 15 years ago for assault on a police officer, he had to go to a treatment program at a local hospital since he was drinking at the time. During that time, the dr. evaluating him said he was either really intelligent or insane. He couldn't give him a diagnosis.

I tend to go with the insane part.

[This message edited by itsovernow at 11:17 AM, May 29th (Tuesday)]

m334455, you are a lot like me in your situation. You have four kids and one on the way, I have 5 kids.

I don't know if you are a SAHM, but I feel so scared to be alone without him now. I'm scared financially, scared about him taking the kids(something I've been told he can't do but I still worry) I don't want to be away from them for a day. I don't want to share them with him. If anything I wish I could just move away to Florida with my sister and start over and he could see them every now and then. I know thats probably not a reality but I can dream. Part of me really loves him too and don't want to be away from him. This is so screwed up.

[This message edited by itsovernow at 11:22 AM, May 29th (Tuesday)]

Oh honey, this thread is killing me to read. Please , please please, take your kids and go to a women's shelter. PLEASE! He is a monster! If you can not do it for yourself do it for those babies!!!!!!!!

Pain, its so hard to just leave. I'm opening up a can of worms that I won't be able to close again. I know, "why would I want to". I don't know. Co-dependency? That is the only thing that makes sense. He's all I've known for 18 years. He's been my life.

I'm scared to death.

Its like a kitten that doesn't want to come out from underneath a car when she's about to get run over because she's scared of whats out there.

I'm not ready for lawyers, social workers, court dates, fights, custody battles over 5 kids, not being able to feed myself, the kids, or have a place to live. Even my van(which I really need) is 370 a month. I can't even drive all my kids around at the same time without it, but I don't have 370 a month to continue the payment.

Its a hard thread to write, trust me. I'm embarrassed, I'm scared, sickened, alone, and I could go on.

The more I write, though, the more I know that I need help. Looking for a counselor is next on my list, not for him and I, but for me.

I'm not ready for lawyers, social workers, court dates, fights, custody battles over 5 kids, not being able to feed myself, the kids, or have a place to live. Even my van(which I really need) is 370 a month. I can't even drive all my kids around at the same time without it, but I don't have 370 a month to continue the payment.

you aren't ready. thank goodness you don't have to do all of that right this second. ((((ion)))) you are here gathering strength to take whatever that next step is. today it was breaking down and typing "the more i type the more i know i need help" followed by the realization that you could really use some IC.

it's a long way up to the light, but every little rung you climb makes you stronger. there are "landings" along the way where you can stop and catch your breath. you can freeze on the ladder sometimes, terrified, then start moving again. even if you slip down a rung or two (or three), you can hold on and continue that climb, bumps, bruises and all.

we are here and we will help you. you don't need to already have all the strength it will take to get through this whole thing. you need enough to post here...then you find a little more...then you get some IC...and find a little more...like breadcrumbs. that's what having great support does - you don't have to think of every little thing, possibility, consequence, because we can remind you, guide you alongside your real professionals.

don't worry about that big stuff. take care of today and those tomorrows will develop on their own. ok...try not to spend too much time worrying about the big stuff...i know you will worry some.

it's gonna be ok. hard to believe but just what you need to hear. you can do this.

[This message edited by stretch13 at 12:26 PM, May 29th (Tuesday)]