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My son got a letter from him today, apologizing for all of this and saying he is going to get better. I got a paragraph...in it he asked if I really thought there was a chance for us and if I really wanted him to come home to us. I wrote him back and told him exactly what I thought. Yes I would love to have my husband back. BUT not like this. He has some serious thinking to do and a lot of changes will have to be made. Including the people, places, and things he is around. Right now, it is a wait and see game. I am hopeful, but at the same time not getting my hopes up.

(((BBM)))

I'm sure it was very hard to read that letter. It was very unfair for him to write to your son, and then throw that will you really let me come home crap in it. I see it as a manipulation. Something addicts become really adept at doing.

I hope you got to an alanon meeting this week, if not please go on line, participate there, and go to some meetings. You will be amazed at how much you will relate, and find strength and support.

I hope you are continuing to get stronger, and embracing those glowing embers of anger, keep them alive you will need them, you will need them to become raging flames in a month. That's when you will have to stick to your line in the sand.

((((and strength))))

Sure, when he is in jail he wants a second chance - how about when he wasn't in jail last week, what was he saying then? Nothing. He was ignoring you and your son.

He is going to tell you exactly what you want to hear. But that doesn't mean he is going to back that up with action.

He has to SHOW YOU, not tell you who he is and how he has changed.

Remember how promptly he answered your texts begging him to come home? Turnabout is fair play, isn't it?

The problem to me is that your doubt is compounded by him first being a lying cheater and now needing a "home" hoping to avoid the state giving him one for free. That's a powerful incentive for false R.

How can you possibly trust his word? Does he have a job Lind up? How do you know there won't be any more drinking or drugs or cheating?

I don't know the parole system very well, or how much incarceration he is facing, but wouldn't you and your son be safer from hurt if he was locked up?

I know that's a hard thing to hear, but you must ask yourself what's best for the two of you--having him around (maybe) or having him gone.

Yesterday was very hard for me. He called 1st thing to wish me a Happy Birthday...then proceeded to yell and rant and accuse me of putting him there. He had seen the parole board and was very upset that I had talked to her. I tried to explain that I did what I had to do. He told me that he had received my letter and wanted to fix our marriage but now he wasn't so sure. He hung up on me. That absolutely killed me. I spent my birthday hysterical and on the couch.

He called back last night, completely different attitude. He was apologizing and crying. He admitted to using meth and was so sorry he had done this to our family. He knew I done the only thing I could. He said he had given his parents address as his home plan. But he wanted to do everything he could to prove to me that he was sorry. At this point, I am so confused. Of course, I want my husband but so much has happened.

I guess at this point, he needs to prove himself to me. Actions speak louder than words. Sad thing is, he really can't prove a lot where he is. My son has been very smart throughout this mess and this morning (after talking to his Dad) had some very good points.

Happy belated birthday.

I have been away a few days.

Have you read about the cycle of abuse yet? Cause that shit he pulled on your birthday and after was textbook.

Have you gone to an Alanon on meeting yet?

Have you gotten codependent no more?

Have you reached out to the local women's shelter?

How about the food bank?

You son may be showing you that he is doing OK but this kid needs therapy. No 9 year old should watch their family be destroyed by drugs and have to play supporter to mom. This is going to leave a dark and deep emotional impact on him and if you don't pull your shot together for yourself you 100000% need to do it for your son.

Tell your husband that he is not welcome to come back home until he is clean and sober and gainfully employed and really working hard to fix his wrongs for at least 30 days after he gets out. Anything less you will end up here starting fresh again with new affairs new hurts new drugs new abuses.

The only person you can control is you. Please start to take control of you.

[This message edited by tushnurse at 3:47 PM, July 6th (Sunday)]

Thank you, tushnurse.

No, I have not gone to a Alanon meeting. I have been reading a lot online though. I haven't read that book yet and I haven't been to the food bank. However, I did apply for some assistance from the state. I am not sure that there is a shelter in my area, or even if they could do anything for me.

I agree that my son has been through too much. No child should ever have to witness the things my son has in the past month. I hate that he has had to go through and I am very worried about his well being. I have him a doctors appointment made. It is just with his pediatrician but I thought he may be able to help. Luckily, my son has a lot of friends and family around so that I keep him busy. Evenings are hard for the both of us. Especially when we don't hear from my husband.

I am worried about my husband and using his parents as his homeplan. They are both addicts and will continue to enable him. I think his best chance at sobriety is home with his family. Maybe that is just wishful thinking on my part....

I haven't heard from him since Friday. And of course, that is killing me. I keep wondering if he is talking to her. I wish I could turn the thoughts off. I wish I could be strong enough to cut ties with him, but I can't.

I am worried about my husband and using his parents as his homeplan. They are both addicts and will continue to enable him. I think his best chance at sobriety is home with his family. Maybe that is just wishful thinking on my part....

STOP you are cycling yourself here, and it is futile.

YOU need to accept that you cannot change him, and you certainly can't make him be clean and sober. HE has to be the one to do that, and if he chooses not to the best thing you can do is get yourself and your son far far away from him.

Pick up the damn phone and call the united way. Dial 211 doesn't matter where you live, and ask for help. They will help you get food, help with utilities, and put you in contact with a womens shelter. Yes they can help you. Services that you need and are available are pretty numerous, and because women like you tend not reach out they are more than willing to help when you do reach out.

STOP thinking about him, and for Gods sake stop communicating with him. Tell him he is toxic, and until he can PROVE he is clean and sober of all intoxicants (including alcohol) for 30 days, you don't want to hear from him. You are sending a very jacked up message to your son. He deserves much more, and if you don't want him to land in the same boat, STOP what you are doing immediately.