SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

No problem Cissi. I think the story about the skiing trip, which happened about three months prior to the incident may have thrown some people off.

OldSoul, have you asked your wife if she would tell you the name today, if she remembered the name?

I don't see any way around this. You have told her that not knowing the name is very troubling to you today.

Have you talked to her, and told her, or actually reminded her that it was she that unburdened herself by admitting all of this to you last year.

And that she herself is the one that opened this can of worms in the first place.

You have to make her believe there is no way you are leaving her no matter who the hell it was.

But again, she is the one who opened this can of worms, not you.

I don’t really see posters telling OldSoul to get over it and move on.

Well… definitely move on. But none minimizing her affair or the fact the d-day is recent despite the affair being in the past.

But the situation right now is akin to a playground argument:

What’s his name? – I don’t know – What’s his name? – I don’t know - What’s his name? – I don’t know – What’s his name? – I don’t know - What’s his name? – I don’t know – What’s his name? – I don’t know - What’s his name? – I don’t know – What’s his name? – I don’t know - What’s his name? – I don’t know – What’s his name? – I don’t know - What’s his name? – I don’t know – What’s his name? – I don’t know… and so on.

And I don’t see any profit for OldSoul to carry on along that path. This is where I DEFINITELY see a big need to move on.

And he can do that IMHO:

He can really evaluate why the name so important. Would knowing the name offer any closure? Why is it important? If he get’s to the conclusion that the name isn’t the key issue – great. Move on to other issues the affair definitely must have set in process.

If he reaches the conclusion that the name IS important… Well… Either WW remembers the name and won’t tell or she forgot the name and can’t tell.

Some ideas have been mentioned. Ideas that are far more beneficial than the above playground argument. Hypnotherapy might get it out. A lie detector test might get it out (do you remember the name or part of the name of the man you had sex with at xxx?).

If she passes either then OldSoul has to accept the fact she’s telling the truth and think how he can deal with that. If she fails then OldSoul needs to determine how big a block that is.

I know he said he wouldn’t have married her had he know then. But that’s a moot point. He didn’t know, she lied and they married. Can’t be undone. It is what it is. He can chose to divorce now. That option is always open.

OldSoul – In your shoes I would have one major concern and that is the statistical fact that someone that has cheated once is significantly at risk of cheating again. So has she cheated since that event? This is something I would want an answer to (and I’m going to suggest a polygraph for that question as well as OM name).

However… If she truly can’t remember the name and if she passes a poly… You have to find more constructive ways to deal with her past.

I've tried everything I know from being coercive to being nice. Nothing works. She said that she has told me everything she can and that I keep on is making her think I don't trust her (hmmmm) as she is speaking from the marriage on up until now.

When I came upon those pictures, I later remembered something my father said which was the truth always has a way to be found out. It's almost like finding those pictures was a karma thing. You see after the long HTH talk, I had let it go. Didn't like it, but did anyway. Finding the pictures inferred many other things that did not line up with her version of the story. I know you've read all about that, so I won't go into detail.

She is of the opinion that all of that should be left in the past since it was so long ago. She can't live with me bringing it up all the time.

Bigger - love the playground example.

Yeah OldSoul – If I were to select a more appropriate user name for me it would be OldBastard!

Look – You have a marriage that has lasted THIS long. Build on that.

I am NOT minimizing your pain in any way and I can understand your need for truth. In fact – I think that’s the underlying issue and not necessarily the name per se.

So… talk to your wife. Tell her the truth; there is nothing you want more than to live out your life with her but that YOUR uncertainties’ might make that impossible. Acknowledge that the emotions you feel might not be logical but they are REAL. And they are capable of preventing you two to ever reach the happiness you both deserve.

Make it clear that once you are feeling safe you can move on but SHE has to help make you safe.

Then ask for a poly and/or hypnotherapy to get your answers.

OldSoul,

I attended college 1985-89, and I had 3 female college roommates. I can recall all 3 first names, but only one last name (the girl with whom I lived my junior and senior years.)

I had 3 sexual partners during that same time. I can remember the first name of 2-- and the first & last name of only 1, who happened to be the man I married.

This woman has a memory for details. I'm serious. And not just for ordinary stuff. It is uncanny some time.

Yep, according to xWH, that's me. Why did I remember details about our life? Because he, and our life, were special to me. The other names and numbers held no emotional charge for me and have been long forgotten.

No problem Cissi. I think the story about the skiing trip, which happened about three months prior to the incident may have thrown some people off.

Yes! That was it! Thanks for clearing that up for me, Old Soul.

She is of the opinion that all of that should be left in the past since it was so long ago. She can't live with me bringing it up all the time.

Still brings me back to the point of, why did she bring this up in the first place if she wasn't going to tell you the entire truth.

Did she have to unburden herself. Did she feel better telling you that night this truth.

I would think if she was lying and or hiding the truth, she never would have brought something up this old on her own.

Did you ever ask her if that was all of it the night she told you about it.

If she had a guilty conscience and had other affairs, and was a liar, I dont think she would have brought this up in the first place.

My Decision:

When it comes down to it, all I can really do is work on me. Although there are ten pages of posts on my thread, so much has been going on in the background, mostly within myself, that might add thirty more pages to this discussion should I have written about all of it here.

Before I get to the nitty-gritty, there two orders of business: (1) to thank wholeheartedly those who posted advice and gave their opinions (Thank You!). Perhaps misery does love company (ha!) and from reading literally hundreds of pages from this site as well as others (I.e.,Talk About Marriage) that I now have quite an acumen regarding issues of betrayal and infidelity. Certain advertisements for TV shows relating to "do your own thing" and "go ahead, it feels good" now make me sick to my stomach. What in the hell is wrong with people? One ad for a show on cable went like this: Her to him- Have you ever thought about cheating? Him to her- No. Her to him- would you like to.... And this was an ad for the show! No wonder this has become an epidemic.

To be continued...

(2) I have been reading books, too, and would like to recommend three:

How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage To Forgive, the Freedom Not To. (Janis A. Spring)

Transcending Post- Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD): The Six Stages of Healing (Dennis Ortman)

Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust... (Shirley Glass)

All available from Amazon or any fine bookstore near you.

To be continued...

Conclusion.

I have decided to let it go. Too much good from 30 years trumps one night of bad decisions, however, terrible. I can't say my marriage will ever be quite the same. But, I look forward to growing old together, spoiling grandchildren, and being a quirky old couple. There it is.

Now, maybe one day she'll finish the story, if there is more to it. The initial news was a big surprise. You just never know friends, you just never know.

Thanks!

You can kick yourself, but hindsight is 20/20 and all of use wish we could do things differently. You could have asked her years ago or pursued the truths.

She really might not remember the last name, but I would go with what she told you, John. There are some last names I don't remember from the past, and they called me on the phone and asked me out as well.

If it was someone who is still in the picture where you would find out, I think she would be more concerned all of these years and never brought it up last year.

The only thing about forgiving is this, we can forgive what we know, it sure is hard to forgive what we don't know.

Old Soul

I have been following but not posting. Glad you made this decision. As long as you have no suspicions there have been more affairs this is from so long ago you can survive and let it go.

this other person may not even be alive

Enjoy your kids and grandkids and congratulations for making this decision.