SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Worried lady, what attitude? He has the right to know it and to end his M if his WW doesn't spell it out. I'd done the same, except I wouldn't wait that much.

in my opinion you're making a mountain out of a mole hill. you're obsessing about a detail that happened 30 years ago. sounds like you want your way no matter what the damage. other's can disagree if they want. I think you're making way too much of this.

From His last post

We'll F'ing see who caused irreparable damage.

Sounds to me he wants out of the marriage and if he could have got her to say something it would all be on her. Not have anything to do with the childish games he has been playing through the pages of this post.

With that attitude, if you approach the rest of your marriage that way I can understand why she wouldn't ever tell you.

Thats fucked up! You in the right forum?

Yes, I am in the right forum. The post before my 1st response was a post from him and 1st before he edited it referred to not preaching about revenge affairs to him. and then this statement

From him

We'll F'ing see who caused irreparable damage.

How is his wife to feel safe about answering a question.

He has tried to play too many games besides acting like a man and sitting down and discussing the issue in a calm manner

Mike, It isn't solely what she did. Its how it was kept a secret for so long as well as how she choses to handle it now. I am just supposed to "let it go". I have not berated her about it. I have been empathetic. I have tried to understand. I just earnestly need all of the information to process this and heal. Hopefully, to make things better.

Now all I see are ghosts. What else was not told to me? Where you see one rat, there are 10 you don't see. These (paranoid) thoughts don't end. But just F--- me; I just need to let it go.

Now she needs to understand. Her M just changed. And not for the better. If she lied about that and for so long, what else is a lie?

I got news for her. She is not the only one who can keep a secret and tell a lie.

Worried Lady, I have tried to be a "man" and sit down and discuss this many times. I have thus tried to creatively (y'all say 'games')get to the issue at hand. All I get is the proverbial conversation is over. Well, then, let it be over.

And if I wanted the marriage to end, I would have walked long ago.

How is his wife to feel safe about answering a question.

He has tried to play too many games besides acting like a man and sitting down and discussing the issue in a calm manner

Now your questioning his manhood!!!

How is that helpful?

what are you lying about?(not accusing you of lying. but what i'm saying is you are accusing her of what i consider a small omission. have you made any? what if she began obsessing about your faults?) what if she started obsessing about how you grunt when you come into a room? or how you click your tongue or clear your nasal passages? Until she couldn't stand to see you?

i'm not a shrink but it sounds to me like you're in an obsessive cycle.

she confessed to you. she told you the details of what she remembers. she says she can't remember the name. you don't believe her. tell her that. ask for a polygraph. If you're not willing to do that, you're just playing games. you're willing to divorce but not ask for a polygraph? really?

[This message edited by mike7 at 10:41 PM, July 6th (Sunday)]

I am in a mood tonight, can you tell?

Well, I agree that lying or RA are bad (or any kind of revenge - there is no point). But a D (or a polygraph) are fine given the circumstances.

Mike, I've never said a thing about Divorce. And the point about the other is that I've always been truthful, to a fault, and thought the same about her. Don't forget, there was a post-nup EA in there that ended when she had an office romance going which culminated when she kissed the guy at an office Christmas Party. She kissed him once. Once. She said.

No, I don't see myself having a RA. That's just sick, too. I'm not made that way, but in the heat of emotion, its tempting. Definitely feels good to say it. But the best revenge, I hear, is living well.

So, that's what I'm going to. I'm going ride my motorcycle everyday the weather permits. I'm going play my guitar as loud as I want. I'm going do things for me, for once.

And she can keep her secrets.

One final post and then bed.

She would hardly submit to a polygraph when she won't even discuss it further with me. Why would she unless this would go nuclear. Should it go nuclear over something that happened 30 years ago? Or something that might have happened?

So, its either (1) Don't discuss it or (2) go nuclear. What are the cost-benefits of each?

All I can say at this point with clarity is that this has deeply wounded me and my perception of her and of our marriage. As of tonight, my marriage is irreparably harmed. To what degree, I do not know.

I am literally empty inside.

It is really all about a name. She has told you the truth about what happened that night?

So, it is just the name of the person. And she says she cannot remember the name.

That is about the one most discussed topic with the truth on here. The I dont Know answers and the I dont remember answers.

And there is nothing you can do about the I dont remember answers. Most people should be able to remember a name depending on the circumstances. Most people might not remember the name of a ONS 30 years ago.

It comes down to does she actually remember or not. You cannot argue when a person says they do not remember. You can not believe they don't remember, but you can't really argue it since you really dont know.

It looks unlikely you are going to change her mind. There is hypnotherapy. If she really cannot remember, than hypnotherapy could be the only way to find out the name.

You could also tell her that you found out who it was. Pick the worse case scenario name and tell her that is who she was with. If she says no, than you just ask her, how do you know if you don't remember.

OldSoul - Has your wife told you that she would tell you the name if she could remember it?

[This message edited by craig2001 at 8:01 AM, July 7th (Monday)]

Yes. Craig, she did say that once, during our second or third heart-to-heart talk on the subject. She said she thought it might have been John (?). During our initial conversations on the subject, she gave me information that, later, she did not remember telling me (i.e., this guy knew her brother from the old HS football days). Things a shocked BH would log in his memory with amazing detail. She seemed confused that I would know this. And these details were damning to her case, so the initial admission, at least to me, was believable. Those who TT tend to hide details like this.

So get this: Last night we had a minor spat over this because I had the audacity to look forlorn over a trigger caused by a FB post. She stated again that this conversation could cause irreparable damage to the marriage if it was kept up. Moreover, she stated that I have brought it up five times in the last month. Later, as I tried to go to sleep, it hit me that this comment could mean, as well, that if I keep digging, I might find out something that would cause me to divorce her immediately. Needless to say, the mind games began again as I tried to sleep, but couldn't.

So, this morning, I got up just after she did and asked her for clarification. She said it meant that I don't trust her, even after 30 years. And that is putting a riff in our relationship. So, I guess I came out of that one without wounds.

Her thing seems to be that it was Soooo long ago, it was a miserable experience, she chose me, so why the hell should it be bothering me so much. Maybe she has a point; but it bothers me. I wish it did not. As stated last night, I feel empty inside. I just don't know Craig. I just don't know.

OldSoul

Have you spoken to her brother about his "friend" from 30 years ago?

HM

She said she thought it might have been John (?).

There is your answer. 99% sure it was John.

When someone who is lying lets out a it might have been, than it was. Why, because the it might have been is a test and a forewarning.

A test to see how you will react, and a forewarning it was him, but it might have been is there to CYA if the reaction from you had been bad.

Her comment about damage to the marriage might have just been because she sees your obsession, it might not have anything to do with the truth. You could counter that her keeping secrets is damaging right now.

But then you need to prove she doesnt remember, and that is impossible to do without hypnotherapy.

And yes, the BS will remember small little slips in conversations like that. And then the WS doesnt remember. This not remembering crap is enough to drive anyone insane.

So is it John? And does that name make sense.

The way the conversation went was like this:

Me: How can you dance with a guy almost two hours, then go somewhere and be intimate and not remember his name? And then he calls you up in a week or two to ask you out? You had to give him your number. (Being sarcastic now) What did he say when you answered the phone - Hey, it's me from the beach, you know, Mr. No Name.

Her: I really don't remember. I think it was John.

Me: Did Joohhnnn have a last name?

Her brother would not know about this, "John" remembered playing against him in HS football. All that does is gives me an age range. But it tells me John knew a little bit. Too bad it didn't wear off.