SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Mattin CT I ask that you reconsider leaving this forum. I honestly believe for every post made by a BS at least one other person gets some real insight,encouragement. also I do believe that you will recive excellent guidance and support moving forward with whatever decision you make regarding your marriage.

Ultimately the decision is yours to make and I am convinced no one here will berate you in your decision. This is not a one size fits all, and you take away what you choose and discard the rest. Interpretations on these threads can bea matter of opinion, however sensitivity can be unintentionally lost due to the personal passions and experiences that prevail. For the most part all are well intentioned.

I have to admit I would be where you are regarding your present decision had I been faced with a similar situation. Nothing is wrong in being decisive in D and vice versa in R.

The value and richness on this forum comes from the wealth of experiences and wisdom shared to benefit each one desiring guidance and support.

I see nothing has changed much in 7 years.

If you individuals who chose to divorce and move on like bad asses... why are you still here? I know why... you aren't so bad ass under that crust of armor you've built.

Face it... we were all cheated on and every situation is different. Matt walked in on his wife doing the neighbor. If that was me... I would probably do the same. I could not get that out of my head. The level of betrayal he had to deal with would send me to the lawyers office faster than he did.

Do not project your situation on others and sit in judgement. Calling those who chose R "Doormats" only shows how big a jagoff you are. Those who push R relentlessly are also in the wrong. Support...give advice...and help assist those in great pain. I remember it well and I didnt know.my head from my ass for 6 mons... it took a year on my own to determine my direction... like I said "everyone is different and every affair is not the same"

Jmho

[This message edited by Long Gone at 8:30 PM, December 20th (Wednesday)]

I think I this sentence sort of makes my opinion clear:

“I can fully understand your decision to divorce”>>

Crystal clear. As is Sisoons. Both can be counted on to share advice rooted in honesty and concern. With zero agenda.

Huh. Well the exit could have been smoother, but he is out of infidelity and on his way.

FWIW I made the decision to D instantly upon dday. Saw an attorney within a few weeks, and divorce was final in 5 months. Yet I don't feel much like a badass, though not weak by any means. People need to be sure in their decisions, some take longer than others. It feels good to help others.

I did the opposite of Antlered. I put up with multiple A's and tried to be a better husband and do anything I could to make my XWW feel better in the M. After the 4th or 5th, I couldn't deal with the lying any more. It wasn't until after I found this site that I realized it wasn't me that was the problem. It was the lying, cheating, miserable person in the relationship. I may now come across as pro-D, but I'm not. I respect the heck out of anyone willing to try to R, but they need to have their eyes open. My R was false for a long time, she just kept repeating the same looking for "her soulmate" (I think she found 3 of them). I was plan B for a long time. I still come here to try to help others so they don't endure the same.

It feels good to help others.

I agree, it does. But that 'help' however well intentioned, will come from our own perspectives which will have been coloured by our personalities, individual upbringings, values, childhood conditioning etc.

It's hardly surprising therefore that sometimes on here people will disagree. The most important thing is that members are (hopefully) posting with the best intentions, however misguided some others may think they are.

JMHO.

I don’t understand why any of you are making excuses for sisoon’s "bullsh*t".

Because Sisoon has been here helping 10s of thousands of people over the years, either directly or indirectly through the silent majority who come here to read and never post or even sign up. Because he does the ungrateful work of helping to moderate this forum (that no one gets paid to do). A forum that was initiated by a couple that R'd, by the way.

Meanwhile, you show up to just take from here, like our purpose in life is to be a pain-sponge for you.

And when our empathy doesn't fit into your demanded parameters, you attack that person. THAT is bullshit, Matt.

I thought Sisoon did a graceful exit from the thread when you made it clear you didn't respect and were in fact offended by his opinion. The natural reaction to an attack is to counter, and he didn't do that. If you were trying to bait and goad him into an argument with your first response to his, you should have said so clearly, instead of asking him to read your mind.

Best of luck, Matt.

Where's the like button? Great response HofPlane.

Sorry to come back to this, but I said something provocative aout WS pain/healing that I think needs some explanation.

Rather than go into a detailed explanation, I'll just say that over the years I've been an SI member, I've seen several threads asking if BSes would rather be the BS or the WS. The answers have been overwhelmingly in favor of being BSes.

I take this to mean that overall, BSes believe the WS role is, on average, more painful and harder to recover from.

That's not the only explanation, but it's the most likely one, IMO.

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:06 PM, December 21st (Thursday)]

Sorry to come back to this, but I said something provocative aout WS pain/healing that I think needs some explanation.

Rather than go into a detailed explanation, I'll just say that over the years I've been an SI member, I've seen several threads asking if BSes would rather be the BS or the WS. The answers have been overwhelmingly in favor of being BSes.

I take this to mean that overall, BSes believe the WS role is, on average, more painful and harder to recover from.

That's not the only explanation, but it's the most likely one, IMO.

Thats interesting. I would agree that that i would rather be a bs then a ws. And that's what i was. But i would never come up with the idea that its because its more painful as a ws....

Thats interesting. I would agree that that i would rather be a bs then a ws. And that's what i was. But i would never come up with the idea that its because its more painful as a ws....

I agree. I think the pain of being a BS is probably exponentially worse than the pain of the WS. The reason I'd rather be the BS is that I got to keep my dignity. I'd have a hard time living with myself if I'd cheated.

Yeah I would never equate the WS with more pain, ever.

Many would prefer to be the BS because of their integrity...some people are just not wired to be able to stoop to that level of selfishness.

I would rather be the BS too. But not because I think it's less painful - I think the BS suffers more pain than the WS. But I would struggle to live with knowing I had done this to my family, and I would find it hard to be monitored / suspected, or for others to know what I had done. That's what I would find hard.

Hmmm, I think I’d rather be a BS than a WS because I don’t think I could stoop that low.

My fWW's infidelity cut me to the core, but I don't have to live with the guilt of tearing my family apart. She does. For what?

She has to live the rest of her life knowing that at one time, she was the scummy slut that traded her family for some cheap thrills. Now that she is healthy, she understands that. Now, years later, I will tell you she cries more than I ever did. She feels the pain of the shit storm she caused.

I think that is what Sisoon might be saying. If I had heard that in the beginning, I may have called bulls$!t. Now I understand.

Locking at the request of the OP