SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Often we read about toxic friends here on SI. In your case, I suspect your WW’s friend has a positive influence. The first time she went there, she came back agreeing to NC, handing over the phone etc.. The second time she went to her friend, she proposed a Poly.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 4:05 PM, December 14th (Saturday)]

It has only been 3 days since you have been here. You got a lot of interest in your thread.

A polygraph is a great start, maybe you will get a confession before she gets the equipment hooked up to her but I doubt it was just 'hanging out' for the both of them. You can't heal until you know the truth or cut ties but in my opinion, you have to assume the worst and act on that before moving forward. Your wife doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt until she can prove to you she is clean.

Until then, you must assume she is not. Good luck to you bro

Tried three pieces of recovery software. Only got back a few dozen messages. They were all innocuous. She was obviously disappointed that more messages weren't recovered. Poly is still on. I can't give her the benefit of the doubt anymore as it has been said. Her IC said the text and poly requests were totally reasonable. She is accepting full responsibility and not shifting any blame to me. She is currently extremely cooperative. The reason she gave for agreeing to divorce temporarily was that she felt completely worthless as a person and that she didn't want to drag me down any longer.

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[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 7:10 PM, Wednesday, September 16th]

Posted by This0is0Fine:

Tried three pieces of recovery software. Only got back a few dozen messages. They were all innocuous.

She had the phone in her possession for way too long after you requested it.

Did you try the trial versions of the software or the full paid versions? I have read that people have had more success with the unlocked software.

Anyway, I would try everything.

Also, you should check her cloud backups and any backups of her phone she may have done on her computer.

She was obviously disappointed that more messages weren't recovered.

Yeah, she's full of shit. She ran away with the phone and for sure deleted content.

Did you search only for deleted messages? You can also recover pictures, videos, cheater app messages, see call and browsing history etc. At least with Fonelab.

No way 1000 text messages in the context of "attempted sex" are innocuous.

If she is really so disappointed, she should get her boyfriend's phone and prove what she says.

Poly is still on. I can't give her the benefit of the doubt anymore as it has been said. Her IC said the text and poly requests were totally reasonable. She is accepting full responsibility and not shifting any blame to me. She is currently extremely cooperative. The reason she gave for agreeing to divorce temporarily was that she felt completely worthless as a person and that she didn't want to drag me down any longer.

Smart.

Bolded part is bullshit.

I paid for the software, Fonelab only got some of it. I don't think she wiped it and really she had the phone for a month after the messages were deleted because I was too soft when o found out. Probably just destroyed by normal temp cache management on the phone. I already had complete FB history which was what they used following deletion of the texts.

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[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 7:10 PM, Wednesday, September 16th]

Did you check her Google activity and timeline?

Does she use gmail?

Her google account was on my phone. I already had snooped it. She locked it out and FB initially in retaliation but I have them again.

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[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 7:11 PM, Wednesday, September 16th]

Don't rush yourself. It has only been a few days. You have already gone from you trying to it's over to you trying. I'm generally in favor of leaving, but take a minute and breathe. The chaos is crashing on you. That's not a good place to make long term decisions. I don't suggest to stop looking. I do suggest to not make any decisions until your brain is on solid ground. Keep looking. don't make any decisions until you are sure.

I believe she did more than talk to the other guy. I also have no proof. Just experience on this forum. Good chance I'm right, but not a guarantee. Your position sucks. You have an SO who may have totally destroyed the relationship or only badly hurt it and what do you do about that? I say calm down and listen to people on this site. There is a lot of wisdom here if you will listen. No need to make a final decision today. Very few are done here in a few days.

Smart phones store data on NAND flash and they use a flash file system. Blocks get marked as free when files are deleted but they can still be read and that’s how data is recovered. As time goes by, those free blocks get reused and the data is gone.It may take a while for a block to be overwritten due to wear leveling but, obviously, if her FFS is close to full, it’ll happen faster.

All SI members have experienced infidelity and we see stories through our own biased lens. Waywards pretty much all lie, and physical proximity almost all become PA.

But I sometimes like to have an opinion different than everyone else, specially before my first coffee . I think it’s possible it hasn’t gone physical.

If you are considering R at this point, your WW seems cooperative. Stick with your plan. Get written timeline done first, then the poly (which asks if the timeline is correct), and insist that any conditions you have for R must be respected.

No contact is important. Remorse is important: you don’t want this to ever happen again. If there is no cooperation, you can go back to D. She has more to lose than you.

Noticed how you got control back by being firm? That’s how to do it.

Ultimately we want the best outcome for you and I think you are getting there.

Best of luck!

All I look at is that your wife wanted to take the affair physical and OM refused. She wanted kisses, touching, and sex with him and would have gotten all that if he had cooperated.

That is what you have to forgive to R.

What caused her to confess to the EA in the first place? I bet it was not guilt and she certainly did not want it to stop because she didn't stop it after the initial confession.

You were and are her Plan B. Her second choice if the affair failed. She made the clear choice to protect the OM initially. By continuing to gas light you.

Can you trust her not to do it again?

I don't see any remorse yet.

If you have her gmail, scroll down to "all mail" on the left side of the window.

Gmail keeps things in a few places - she may have deleted in one place but not all.

She was obviously disappointed that more messages weren't recovered..

Yep. I bet.

Anyway looks like it’s time to formulate those poly questions. She can’t delete those results.

The fact that she locked you out of FB and her Gmail speak volumes, just like her scampering away with the phone like a scared rabbit. That means it is a guarantee that not only their texts, emails and FB messages were off the charts inappropriate — but their verbal convos were even more so.

Guarantee it was all highly charged sex talk. So regardless of whether it actually went physical, she definitely wanted it to go physical very badly. She lusted after him and made that clear to him.

And this whole narrative of her pursuing him only is also horseshit - you’re a man, and you know men pursue women 99 percent of the time, not the other way around. Women send all the signals, flirt heavily, even drop bold sex talk — but it’s left to men to walk through that open door and take action. So I just don’t buy it. I suppose it could be true, but it’s more likely she’s doing what many WW’s do. They try to portray their AP’s in any favorable light they can bc they see their AP as plan A thru rose colored glasses.

I am certainly no expert but I wonder how many WS are 75% happy with the marriafe but feel they need to be 100% happy and instead of working on it, that's where the affair comes in. No intention of leaving but want the extra frosting on the cupcake, and never considered the consequences.

T/j: My WW said more than once that she thought our marriage was 90% good. I thought 75 to 80% good and it was very good from my perspective and was certainly good enough to have and to work on. She was never going to leave me, especially for him.

Sorry for t/j, This0is0Fine.

"Not just friends" is an excellent book and recommendation. They talk about the prevention myth and that is very much at play here. Essentially many affairs cannot be explained by deficiency in the marriage. It's sparked by opportunity, attraction, and the breakdown of appropriate barriers. My wife was feeling pain about the anniversary of her mother's suicide and felt more comfortable confiding this in a new friend that wasn't part of the saga (not to be confused with my father's death). This was the intimacy spark and the time at work and attraction did the rest to cause the change from co-workers to APs. I'm still torn on how physical things got (I want to believe but I'm not stupid). Trying to schedule the poly.

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[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 7:11 PM, Wednesday, September 16th]

What are the questions you are planning to ask? You will get excellent suggestion here BTW.

Did you have sex with the OM. That is all. This is all I need. There could be others but it's just fluff and supposedly more accurate with one question.

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[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 7:11 PM, Wednesday, September 16th]

Maybe “with OM or any other man”