SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Since SWAT‘S wife is reading here then this post is addressed to her:

Hey Mrs. SWAT,

Let me start by apologizing on behalf of us posters for some of the words used to describe you. For what it’s worth then I – a relative old-timer here on SI – don’t see you as this mixed up sociopath evil mastermind that many do. I don’t see any gain in calling you names and frankly I don’t think doing so in any way helps you, SWAT or the situation.

You are definitely no angel and I’m not in any way diminishing or defending your actions. But I don’t think you are irrevocably broken or bad.

Just keep in mind this is the JFO forum. Most posters here are still fresh from their pain and that can be reflected in their posts. Plus speaking for myself – strong words and phrases tend to get the betrayed spouse faster on course.

What I do see when I deal with people in infidelity is confusion, panic and a lack of direction.

Mrs. SWAT – Your husband is hurt. Real bad. He does not like being hurt. He’s like an oak branch that can carry a lot of weight but will snap if enough is added. And he’s afraid of snapping. He truly believes that what he went through was bordering on too much. Then he catches you again with OM… He’s not willing to add more weight. He’s not willing to snap because there is way too much at risk.

Get that? He’s not willing to snap. This in turn implies that SWAT hasn’t snapped already…

I firmly believe SWAT will survive infidelity. I’m not so sure it will be with you but believe me – I hope so. I hope that you see the light enough to realize that it’s not enough to fear losing him. You also need to fear not being in this marriage because right now you aren’t.

Mrs. SWAT – One of my heroes here on SI is now a moderator that goes by the tag of Wifehad5.

I often wonder how he can carry that name because it’s such an eternal reminder of what he went through. His wife BrokenRoad has over 10.000 posts here on SI – a lot of them guiding other wayward spouses out of infidelity. Their journey to recovery was an extremely long and tough one but they eventually made it.

I’m pointing them out because recovery can be done. It can be attained. Even from the direst of situations.

But… for every success story I know of dozens of not so successful cases…

Mrs. SWAT – If you want to have any chance of even possibly saving your future relationship with Mr. SWAT I suggest the following:

Create your own profile here on SI. Go to the wayward forum and post your thoughts and story. Seek the guidance of the fantastic people there like BrokernRoad. You can mark your thread so we BS will totally let you in peace.

I can tell you already one of the major factors they will point out: Start by healing YOU before you even think you can heal your marriage.

Peace Mrs. SWAT

Ps. Mrs. SWAT – remember you are totally free to do whatever you want. If OM is so addictive and you can’t be without him then you are totally free to see him. Only let SWAT go. Let him move on.

Powerful stuff Bigger.

Wow, Bigger...that was powerful. Can you send the same to my WW?

nekorb. Not yet but I had dinner at biergarten haus. I think that's the right spelling. German food and beer you can't beat that.

Bigger. I want to thank you for your post to my wife. I'm sure she has seen it. But I can tell you this she won't post here I am sure of it. I know her and she has seen some of the things people have said about her. She will not allow herself to be seen in a bad light. I realized everything she has done up to this point is an act. Everyone has said to me actions speak louder than words. Her actions have spoke and her words meant nothing.

Swat. First I would like to thank you for the Mother's Day wishes from all of us moms here.

2nd. I admire your strength and courage to being 1 step closer to your happiness. I know is not easy to do. It's probably the hardest thing we all are ever going to have to do. I still haven't got the strength or courage to walk away. I really want to but life is very difficult for me. Due to my accident and not being able to be mobile at this point on top of not being able to work really limits things for me. However my situation may make you feel better. I've been married to a man for 18 years who cheated the entire time and I never knew it until last year. I will get back on my feet and come out much stronger and happier. If I was able to give him loyalty, love, trust, and a child and he could do this to me. I feel sorry the the next woman.

So stay strong and focused on a happier you. Your alot closer to it than I am. Keep moving forward.

Also glad to hear you are having a decent time there. Be proud and thank you for your service.

Good lord do I miss German beer.

Anyway. Swat, your most recent post cut right to it: actions over words. Some people can break out psychology books to dig for a deeper reason as to why she did it, and that you should hear her out. I think it's unnecessary. In this case, it's cut and dry. It was all an act. I don't think anyone has really beaten her up on this thread, rather people have just pointed out the reality of the situation. Her own MIL said it best about laying in the bed she made. Time to focus on healing you.

:::clink::: tapping our steins together....but mine has chai tea in it.

I hope your weekend in DC is providing some distraction.

Breathe deep. It's going to be ok.

Kids first.

No alcohol and social media.

SWAT recovers.

Swat,

Wishing you strength. I am also praying Mrs Swat, will get over herself enough to post in the wayward section. For me if my fwh didn't do what I needed him to do on a consistence basis, we couldn't have recovered.

Mrs Swat needs to realize she needs to be willing to walk over razor blades if she has a hope of recovery, which includes taking off her mask of fakery and posting if need be in the wayward section. For even the hope of recovery, Mrs Swat needs to be willing to do whatever, whenever. I am sure she has herself convinced that what she did wasn't that bad.

Here's hoping! Hugs Swat!

Swat- I have been following your story for a while now, especially this latest development. I am so sorry you are going through this! I haven't posted to you until now simply because this is my worst nightmare! I understand your current decision very well because I would have done the same. Not only have she betrayed you once, but to watch you go through what we do and then to betray you again, would be something I could not overlook. Maybe one day when you have protected and looked after yourself and your WW has finally changed herself you both can find each other again... Maybe you won't want her even then. My heart goes out to you and my wishes that you find happiness again and not let this ruin the amazing person you are! She made the mistakes, allowing yourself to be open to loving someone even when they have hurt you doesn't make you a fool!

whipmorgan - you have 8 posts, all on this thread, all trying to insure that SWAT doesn't see anything good in his wife or her intentions. I don't think being so certain about what her intentions are/were is particularly justified. I don't know, and I'm pretty sure you don't either. I also think you should realize that there is a family involved. Three innocent children may lose their family. It may be necessary. You have a right to your opinion as we all do. I only mention the above in case you think that perhaps there's actually a small chance this family can be saved. Because if there is, maybe SWAT should consider it.

SWAT - If this is a dealbreaker, it's a dealbreaker. But you have to be aware of what Bigger said, there are many, many couples here whose spouses made more than one mistake. The wayward forum is loaded with waywards that stumbled more than once and yet have redeemed themselves.

There are many things you could do instead of the final decision of divorce. For example, you and she could both sign the divorce papers but not send them in. You could tell her that if she break's NC even one more time, you will send them in. Then you don't have to wait for her to sign them. That's just one example. There are lot's of things you could do. You could think them up. But don't make a decision for awhile. You know your wife better than we do. You have time. There is no rush.

I'm no pushover. I got banned from Wayward early on for essentially calling bullshit on wayward excuses. I always hammer the BS's who have spouses that aren't treating them right and sit back and take it. But in the case of a spouse who goes out of their way to choose their BS, I'm a little more forgiving. WS's have a screwed up thinking pattern, it's very selfish. It's hard for them to actually know what the "right" thing to do is. But they can learn.

Listen to Bigger's advice. He's got over 5000 posts. I consider him a wise poster. It's interesting that he doesn't see your wife as a lost cause. Neither do I.

It's interesting that he doesn't see your wife as a lost cause. Neither do I.

Count me in the crew that doesn't totally count her out. However, it's not my WW under discussion. I'm here to support you.

No matter what.

I don't think being so certain about what her intentions are/were is particularly justified. I don't know, and I'm pretty sure you don't either. I also think you should realize that there is a family involved

.

I agree. SWAT, however, is sure. He has said, for days now, that he's done. He just told his wife that anything she has to say can be said to an attorney. At this point, how about supporting SWAT in his decision instead of commenting on his children, pulling at heart strings. SWAT has mentioned the children several times. This is very hard on him. Let's support what SWAT wants, not what we want SWAT to want.

SWAT, you do what YOU want. I support you, 100%. This is YOUR decision.

(((((SWAT)))))

I support him. See below.

If this is a dealbreaker, it's a dealbreaker.

I also know that this is an emotional time for him. This is a fresh betrayal for him. suggesting he take it slow and not make a snap decision isn't undermining my support for him whatever he chooses. I think he needs to think about this carefully. I don't apologize for advising him so.

Swat, I'm a bit late to post but I think what your doing is the best thing you can given the circumstances. Who the fuck cares what her reasoning was to see OM. She broke NC period end of story. Sooner or later your gonna have to talk to her. And she is going to try and convince you that meeting up with OM was some needed thing. That she needed closure, or OM was threatening her, OM was suicidal, He needed a kidney transplant, they formulated a plan for world peace, the world was going to end unless they met etc. etc. etc. You get the picture here my man. Bottom line is she lied to you, she disrespected you once again, this time much worse than before because she knew that her M was on the line. She did it anyway because she does not give one fucking shit about how you feel my man. Its all about her, has been and still is. So don't let her tear filled apology, her claims of love, her promises sworn on the souls of your children sway you from wand hat your doing. This bitch needs a big spoonful of reality, she needs to experience hard consequence for her actions.

As a LEO you know how this plays out. Just like when a skell breaks into a store and robs the place. He gets caught and being its his first offence the judge gives him probation. He is told that he must stay out of trouble and complete whatever it is that was imposed on him. 2 weeks later the SOB breaks into the same damn store and gets caught. He is brought before the same judge who sentenced him the first time. Naturally the judge feels like the fucker simply has no respect for the law, the system, and basically throws up his middle finger at authority. So he throws the book at him. And this is exactly what you need to do as well. Thus far you gave her a break, you offered the gift of R with the understanding and expectation that she is not to contact OM. So what does she do ? She breaks contact, lies to you about it, meets up with him and gets caught once again. So its not only customary that you impose some harsher consequence, its damn right needed at this point. The more shit you let a WS get away with, the more they do. Give them an inch, they take a yard.

IMHO, I think your doing it right. You have exposed her lies, contacted an attorney, signed the D papers, cut her off emotionally, financially, spiritually etc, and most of all you are doing something that is good for YOU. You drew a line in the sand and she not only crossed it, she jump way the fuck over it pissing on you in her travels. So now she must be forced to see that in life when you cross a line, break a law, renege on a promise etc. there are consequences to suffer. Now is going to be the best of times and the worst of times for you. Your resolve is going to be tested, your manhood is on the line and your self respect needs salvaging. How you proceed in the next few days and weeks is going to dictate your future. I strongly urge you to keep up with this hard assed approach towards your WW and her bullshit. She needs to learn that your not some asshole who is easily swayed with a wink and a tear. Hold your ground, demand and expect her to treat you in a respectful manner. And whatever you do, don't back down or give in. Life has to be about your healing and the kids well being. She had the opportunity to try this as a family, she chose the OM. And now that cancer needs to be surgically removed. Cut her lying, cheating ass out and start to heal yourself. Whatever that entails my man. Its all about you from here on in. Hang in there and enjoy your trip to DC.

Mike7,

One person here knows my story, and perhaps someday I will post it. As I explained before, I've always followed Swat's story and felt compelled to post after this latest turn.

There is a trend that can occur, and I think its happening here. Because people thought Swat's wife was on the right path and doing the right things, then this latest incident likelyis not what it seems to be. Therefore, she must be heard out.

I disagree with your discussion of the impact on the family in this case. Yes, divorce does break apart families and children suffer. However, in the manner that you have done it, you are transferring the burden of that to Swat, not the wayward spouse. It is SHE has done this to her family. Not him. The Betrayed Spouse is NOT RESPONSIBLE for the impact of infidelity to the family.

Mike7, you say that we don't know her true intentions. Other, wiser posters can make another 5000 posts about what those intentions could be. But come on. She knew the risks and what she would give up. As someone posted, NOTHING the OM has to say would be worth that. SHE wanted to see him. Remember her response : "I CANT."

Actions, actions, actions. I think the bottom line is this: Swat caught her engaging in lies and then found her with her OM. Another betrayal. Another choice of the OM over her husband and her family. It is a dealbreaker for Swat.

Swat, you've done well so far, and I admire your strength in this. I wish I had some of it myself when my DDay occurred.

[This message edited by whipmorgan at 6:40 AM, May 12th (Monday)]

i guess we disagree then.

But you could see that we agree on disagreeing..

Please stop derailing this thread.

Stay on topic...which is SWAT and his situation. Not his W reading here, not disagreements between members. It's about SWAT only.

SWAT - are you in IC?

You do what you need to do for yourself and we WILL support you, because that's why we are here. We are not here to make decisions for you.

Read the advice here, take what is helpful to you, and leave the rest.

Although there are a lot of differing opinions being shared, we all have your best interest in mind. Only YOU know what that truly is.

We have your back.

Swat, I'm glad you enjoyed a good meal and some good beer. I hope you rested well and are able to have the peace that you need to process everything that has happened. I know how frustrating and isolating this stuff can be.