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There are other things that I feel she is clearly lying about. When I get home from work today, will ask for your opinions. Also, I am deeply grateful for all of your responses. I have been so wounded and lonely because I need to talk to adults about this and can't share this horror with anyone if we're to stay together. God bless all of you. I may not make it clear, but this SI is a godsend.

Oh and thanks Cee and the rest of you for listening.

Wow, that's incredibly rough. Take care of yourself.

I agree with everyone else who said you need to get your boys into therapy ASAP. They are going to have major trust and relationship issues if you don't.

Next call should be to a lawyer. Sounds like this could be ugly. Get you ducks lined up.

This was a very hard read for me. There are many similarities to what happened to me.

Particularly the part about far too much affection paid to my son by my ex.

I want to second my good friend Kuwaited. A very wise and compassionate man with good advice and a solid foundation.

The most important thing for you at a time like this is to continue to do what you are. Take care of yourself. Focus on your health and well-being. The stress of this is overwhelming. The best medicine for it is to maintain an even strain, and to continue to be consistent in your life.

Whatever you decide, make sure it is done now thinking of what is best for you. There is no way to change another human being. If any healing is to be done for your marriage, it will take the full and complete commitment of your WS.

Full disclosure, complete transparency, and a desire to work on the marriage. Without that, you can't have a marriage.

Continue to post here and to read the healing library. There is enormous experience and collective wisdom here.

Best to you, contaminated.

Stay the course and take care of yourself.

-Defiance

So this has been going on for more than three years. She is a sick and a broken woman, to actually be in Brian's room while the children were there then making them part of her infidelity by having them keep her secret, that is really, really sick. A healthy cheater would have chosen the welfare of her child over some piece on the side. Have you exposed them, they are military and thy have strict rules in place? Get the children help as suggested, talk to your lawyer and protect your finances. Make sure that she is tested for pregnancy and all STD's, as it is a long term affair and she is a serial cheater, she will lie about using protection. The rest is up to you if you decide to take her back. She betrayed you and your children. Play hardball.

Don't believe anything she tells you. Believe only half of what you see. She has some serious issues. IC will help.

A few clarifications. I was in the military (Air Force) and stationed overseas for years. I have a home there as well as here. This affair supposedly took place from Jan til Aug of 07. Her story, upon being caught ended all contact with said douchebag. My daughter has been with her since 06. Weird familial situation based on trust in order for her to get degree. We have been going back n forth since 06. You know sacrificing for the betterment of her and the family. With that said, the probability for infidelity was increased. Only thing is, if anyone had cheated you would of thought it would've been me. However she was the last woman I would ever had suspected. My own wife. So obviously this is so horrendous, that in her mind if she admits to having been unfaithful, that's good enough. No std's. She has adopted the proper response of a WW who really messed up. She said she was wrong, had put it past her and wanted to pretend it never happened. Obviously, it didn't pan out that way. I simply cannot trust a word she says until it is attempted to be worked out in MC. I feel dirty.

Oh, I forgot, while I am riding this coaster, believe it or not I feel horrible for her. I told her it has to be tough, I can hardly handle being the victim so I couldn't imagine living with that and putting on my kids as well. It seems so incredibly unbelievable that the degree of deviousness it takes to have done that scares me. No way in hell I could have lived with that type of crap. Would have eaten me alive. In a weird way, I'm trying to be supportive. This is big enough for her to whack herself. So I mostly tread lightly till she gets back here and we can try and get some help. She would've been dead already if she didn't believe in god she said.

God bless all of you. I may not make it clear, but this SI is a godsend.

We get it...we are here for the same reason you are....and for each other.

I'm so sorry, and so sickened that your children suffered long term trauma over this.

I also would like to say PLEASE get them to a counselor, as soon as possible. Kids pretend all is ok, but almost always blame themselves no matter what kind of problems their parents have. They also put on a smile and internalize in order to be strong and protect their parents.

On some level they probably also feel they have betrayed the trust of their mother. Please get them some help asap.

Hugs for you

It does get easier..I promise

((((contaminated))))

I'm so sorry contaminated. It must feel like being between a rock and a hard place. Like all the others, i totall support getting you kids the help they need - to deal with this legacy sooner will be so much better than later. And get some counselling for yourself too, look after yourself. You sound so strong and sane, which is good 'cos that's what you'll need to be for your children. Much love to you. x

Contaminated,

I am on my WH second affair. I believe the mistake I made after his first affair was to be too nice. There is a difference in forgiving and making it too easy. Now that I look back, I let him blame me for the affair, and tried to fix everything. He gave lip service but he never changed... and he did it again. My advice is to listen to the people on here. The 180 is good. I'm not doing everything I should but I am being tougher about what I expect. Remember you are responsible for 1/2 of any marriage problems and 0% of the affair. The guilty party has to actually do some work and not just give lip service. I'm living proof.

Take care of those children, they need to heal too.

Me 46

Him 49

Married 26 yrs

3 children

[This message edited by NOMORECHEATING at 5:45 PM, August 25th (Wednesday)]

If I could ask for a few opinions I would appreciate it. My wife and I will not be able to enter into MC until she returns from europe in another 6.5 weeks. That's bad on one hand, but on the other, it allows me to really think things out before we start. Here is my question. If the WS did the following: admitted to having an affair that started in Jan 07 till Aug 07,; that she allowed it to happen and then once starting manifesting, actively pursued,: that she has kept these photos for 3 years on email, that she had a text professing love in mar 07 that son read; that she was caught by other son in "his" bedroom getting a massage from OM in Aug 07; and that she is equally ashamed that it happened and not happy at all that she got caught, then is it just me or am I not alone in thinking that the WS if full of crap trying to tell me that her very first opportunity to have sex in this 8 month A was interrupted by son who caught her. She had spent many weekends in next town before and after "studying" for school. Although this is three years old for her, it's 3 weeks old for me. She is devastated. She has adopted the proper attitude of remorse and guilt but I can't know if it's genuine for me or selfish for her. Also admitting this has been devastating to both of us, but I have a sneaking suspicion (knowing her so well that) that the odds say she was engaged in a full blown EA and SA. Instead of just kissing. I know the answer may be obvious but again, I've never been in this situation before. She is the type who thinks "well it was long ago, the gory details are not important, it's water under the bridge". "Just admitting to an EA is good enough". It was bad enough for her to admit to it, but unspeakable to admit to having an SA and doing with another what her devoted husband "wished" he could do with her in the bedroom. I told her I do not trust her, don't believe her and can't really entertain that unless it's done in front of a sane and impartial MC. After all, she carried this lie for 3 years, kept pictures, and demanded sons complicity with the threat if they told "everything would be ruined ie. family busted up house sold etc. Regardless, it's just as disturbing to find out that your spouse is 5 times more f*cked up in the head than you previoulsy imagined. To me odds say it was a torrid SA.

What the fuck is wrong with her that she kept setting up situations where her sons would catch her and be forced to interact with her as a sexual being and engaged to "defend" her as a sexual being against their own father? She needs to confront how absolutely perverted and incestuous that is. Can she be kept away from them?

Sorry and thanks for listening. But what are those hearts next to some posts mean?

So sorry for what you and your children are going through...

I think that it is actually good that MC will be delayed.. I think IC is more important at first for bothe of you.... and maybe the kids if they feel it would help them...

then... MC....

Lady WOW THANK YOU!. Thank you for putting into such succinct words what I was having a hard time doing. As sad as this is, this is much more than just an affair. This is a sick family affair. (the daughter was spared any visual injuries). I could forgive a 3 year old affair, but this... this is different. Starting to wonder if I'm married to a dormant monster instead of just a quirky wife with idiosyncrasies. It's the incestuous lie that I may well not be able to recover from.

njgal, yes that's the plan. I'm already in IC for 3 weeks. I agree. Why try to fix a marriage first. IMO (Of course I have issues too-tragically funny one of mine was of trust). The two need IC first which would warrant MC to either stay or bust up correctly. Lady, this happened when they were both 13 and 14. The younger one caught her in room. The older one that caught text called her out and lost respect for her. They are 18 and 17 now and not in any danger. But yes will need counseling.

[This message edited by contaminated at 4:31 AM, August 26th (Thursday)]

Contaminated,

Just a few things to think about.

1)The chances of the A only being an EA are pretty slim. IMO

An EA is nothing but a PA(physical affair) that has yet to be consummated, and given a time period of 8 months, what are the odds that there was not an opportunity for that to happen?

2) Sure, your W did some very sick things during the A involving the boys, not to mention the A itself.

However, every A involves devious and sick behavior. Is that the person the WS(wayward spouse) really is?

Many times not. They actually step out of their basic character and do things they normally would never do, for whatever reason, the A demands the weird behavior.

Point is, what is the true basic character and morals of your W?

The fact that she is remorseful is a good sign. The fact that there has been no other A is a good sign.

The fact she wishes she were dead is a result of the guilt she feels.

There are some good signs. Yes, the behavior during the A was sick and twisted. Most every Wayward Spouse do sick things that are not typical for that individual.

I'd agree ...most WS engage in sick behaviours..

However..when it involves my kids...For me..and i say only for me........

That would be a deal breaker.