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My favorite is when he shares with me that people tell him he's doing a great job raising two well-behaved, respectful and beautiful girls. He plays daddy every other weekend, when it's convenient, and is horrible to the girls. He DOES NOT get to take credit for the way they turn out as they grow up. They will be strong, respectful, moral, driven, prodictive members of society despite his role in their lives. I am the one raising them and teaching them the things they need to get through life. If you ask their teachers, he plays an extremely active role in their lives. I call bullshit!!!!

As much as I never wanted this for my children, I agree with this:

Please believe me when I tell you it gets easier. In fact, you might realize that it is even better to not have to answer to anyone and to build your family your way.

On one hand, the times it jerks me off is when things are REALLY tough for me; tons of HW, residual sadness, lots of running around, but those night are fewer and farther between the good times.

I do the best I can and if it's not perfect, even if it's not the way their Dad would handle it (I mean, he is a good dad for the 3/4 days he has them every 14 days) shit gets done, my kids are happy, fed, clothed and are all around GREAT kids and I DO pat myself on the back for that.

He can pretend he's half responsible, and he was until he left 2 yrs ago (this weekend, lil triggery here) but the last 2 yrs has really been like at 90% me.

Go shit in your hat and wear it, Super Dad!

[This message edited by wannabenormal at 8:35 PM, September 5th (Sunday)]

If i may, id like to offer the view from the otherside of this window as well.

he sees his children W nights and every other weekend...he is well rested, happy...and ready to play super dad for two days...Single mothers...are struggling to make ends meet working often more than one job, are tired, hurt, angry, struggling...and we are asked to suck it up and be superwoman...Don't speak ill of your children's father...keep your chin up for the children...be brave...don't be bitter...you can do this...except I am bitter...I am angry and I am tired.

Youve gone from allways seeing your kids every evening when they come home from school, to seeing them every other weekend. When you do see them they have forgotten half of what has happened in the last two weeks so not only do you not get to experience it secondhand you dont even get to hear about it. When you are with them your torn between trying to make the most of the very limited time you have, and not spoiling your kids through overendulgence. The rest of the time you work your butt off trying to earn enough to support yourself and cover your CS payments, you come home at night and have to make dinner for one, if you ever do manage to catch up on your own household chores you sit alone in the evening and repeat the same mind numbing process for another 12 days till you get to see 'them' again. Oh but dont speak bad of their mother, keep your chin up, show them what a real dad is like... ha, as if thats possible every other weekend. I am bitter, i am angry, and it is destroying my soul not to be anything more than a weekend dad.

Ok, so not every dad is like this, but for every 2 single moms with your view there's probably a weekend dad with this view. Neither is particularly pretty.

Your moms right...Life isnt Fair.... and your foolin yourself, and setting yourself up to be hurt, if you think its supposed to be.

God bless you SCD for having the 'nads to post your reply. I echo it heartily. I would also add that while you are sitting alone having cooked for one when you're used to cooking for at least five, you are also facing the overwhelming cultural opinion that because you are the father, you are a secondary, optional (as long as you send that check on time), parent. One that is, at best, a distration to the children or a babysitter of convenience.

I'm not trying to start a pissing war here - just saying neither side of the equation is easy.

The difference with you SCD is that you actually want to be in your kids lives! You haven't run off with OW and only want to parent when it's convenient for you. You don't have an affair partner who became more important that your own children.

Sorry if I offended anyone...I guess I could have called the post "Divorce Sucks"...but we all know that already...This post was about "as will get by" said...this experience of a H leaving for OW and fighting over every minute they have to spend with their kids...cuz they have "better" things to do...all the while priding themselves on what great parents they are now...its a toxic mix...and as you read...stirs up a lot of feelings in the single parent who was left to pick up the pieces...I am sorry you miss your children...I am glad you have a soul...my x doesn't and that is what is wearing me down...

PS...I'm not sitting anywhere waiting/wishing life was fair...I am creating my own reality...oh I get it's not fair believe you me!

I work well over 40hrs a week, I have 4 kids, STBXH has them EO weekend. He has a live in gf and spends every single weekend that he has the kids at his parents house so he has PLENTY of help! I left him so I'm not bitter about that. There arre definitely days when I'm exhausted and literally can barely move. My job is very pysically demanding. Lifting and carrying 50 lbs is no easy task when you only weigh about 110 lbs. There are times when i would give almost anything to have a little help. I get NO help from anyone and i have had my nights when I cry into the freshly cleaned laundry while folding it. I have to say though I'm really not bitter or angry at STBXH. I pity him. He lives 5 min. from us yet he has no problem going an entire month without seeing his children. If he skips a weekend I always offer to let him make it up. I've told him he can call every night, that if he gets off early sometime he is more than welcom to pick the kids up for a couple of hours. He never does any of this. He tool 2 weeks vacation from work to go on vacation with his gf. Yet didn't take a single one of his vacation days with the kids over summer. Would my life be easier if he would be more of a parent? Of course!!! I don't resent him, I truly feel badly for him and the kids. He's missing out on their childhoods and they end up paying the price. I truly do feel like I'm the lucky one! I am a part of their lives, not just a visitor.

That being said....if I could afford a maid I would hire one in a heartbeat!!!!!!!!!!!

SCD & FoF - HUGS to you both. I briefly dated a single father and he jumped through hoops to see his kids. He didn't have infidelity, but didn't want his D either. I think either side of the 'your "partner" makes a decision and now your life gets screwed' is horrible. I worry about being involved with a single father who doesn't get to see his kids as much as he would like because I know I will take on some of that pain.

Sometimes I think of having a baby that would just be *mine*, as crazy as that sounds.

To get a night off from the kids. Take advantage of Grandparents, relatives or another single parent you can swap over nights with. I did all the above.

If Dad or Moms aren't in the picture, then reach out to others.It's OK.

Big Hugs to all, it's not an easy job.

gma