SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

facethemusic,

You do have a lot to say, and you post is right on target with where I'm at. Thank you for sharing your struggles. It's a horrible hell, the place we got ourselves into, but truth is the only burning torch that can get us out, even if we have to keep the fire buring with our hands. It's a hard lesson for me, to tell the truth not to gain anything, but simply because it's right. It's a lesson that the faithful spouses have known all their lives, and here I am in my thirties learning something so fundamental that I should have known as a child! But better late than never, right? It's all I can do anyway.

It's very good advice to just let my actions speak for me, and not ask for anything. Why ask when I already I don't deserve what I'm asking? I have to be honest for my own sake. If I can't be someone I can be proud of, how can I ask BH to want to be with me.

BH sent this to me. It's very poignant.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2VBmHOYpV8&ob=av2n

Now you're standing here tongue tied

You better learn your lesson well

Hide what you have to hide

Tell what you have to tell

You'll see your problems multiplied

If you continually decide

To faithfully pursue

The policy of truth

I have seen my problems multiplied because I told the truth, but it's worth everything. It's better to lose everything and be true than to keep what I want out of lies, because with lying I lose my soul. I choose the policy of truth from now on, and am not turning back no matter what the consequence. Thanks for sharing the road to truth. It's the only way to go and it's good to know you have friends on the same path.

Well put,

The tough part I have found with the policy of truth is to realize when I am lying- little ones, like saying I am okay when I am not. The ones so many of us have been brought up to tell. White lies that most people tell: like saying I'd be happy to watch the movie my H chose, or that he looks good in that shirt. They all matter to him. He wants the whole truth about things.

Even after I disclosed everything several months ago I found myself allowing my H to compliment my daughter on doing a good job cleaning the counter when in fact I had done it. I allowed her to take the credit because I felt bad for the kids (H had just told me to tell them that we were divorcing). Immediately I confessed when I realized what I had done. It's this madness of one lie making it easy to tell another and another until we lose perspective on how big the lies are getting that helps lead us to the hell we are now in.

I am now convinced that all lies are evil. I still find myself doing white lies without being aware of it.

I can't see the YouTube video- it's blocked in the UK for some reason...

facethemusic,

Very true. Lies have a nasty habbit of multiplying rapidly until I don't even know which is true and which is fiction in my own head. It's a horrible way to live, to have to lie to myself. Enough is enough. I don't want to live a liar anymore.

Sorry to hear that your husband has decided on D. I know it's only a matter of time for me. We should never regret telling the truth, even if it means we lose what we want. The lyrics for the song sums up where we're at. Be strong and be true. We can learn to not tell another lie. Wish I could give you a big hug. Please know that I'm thinking of you. We can be stronger and better than lies.

Depeche Mode: Policy Of Truth

You had something to hide

Should have hidden it, shouldn’t you?

Now you’re not satisfied

With what you’re being put through

It’s just time to pay the price

For not listening to advice

And deciding in your youth

On the policy of truth

Things could be so different now

It used to be so civilized

You will always wonder how

It could have been if you only lied

It’s too late to change events

It’s time to face the consequence

For delivering the proof

In the policy of truth

Never again

Is what you swore

The time before

Now you’re standing there tongue tied

You better learn your lesson well

Hide what you have to hide

And tell what you have to tell

You’ll see your problems multiplied

If you continually decide

To faithfully pursue

The policy of truth

Never again

Is what you swore

The time before

[This message edited by burntashes at 12:40 PM, September 8th (Wednesday)]

Burntashes,

I am exceptionally lucky that my H did not decide to go through with the divorce, making it clear at the time that if our life circumstances would have been different he would have been long gone (we live in the UK now and have little in the way of family or friend support).

So I don't take any day spent with him for granted. We are still together and working on R- though we have some rotten days, many more are wonderful.

That's a great song, I remember it...

This is going to be a shameless self-bump to a thread I responded to some time ago. I think it was a very helpful point of view and I think it may help you here.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=357020&AP=1

I would also seriously consider this link for you both. I have found it extremely helpful as has my FWW..

http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp

The situation is probably made much worse by the business failure and loss of your home. This would have created self-doubt and lack of belief in himself. He would have thought of himself as a failure; both as a husband and a father.

He could deal with your EA's but the PA betrayal would have been crippling; attacking his confidence as a man and eliminating the last shreds of self-esteem.

Just about the worst news he could have received since it reinforced his lack of belief in his own abilities.

I think its very important to be 100% supportive and keep a watchful eye on his state of mind. He has endured so much and may be near his breaking point. In particular he needs to avoid adopting heavy drinking as a palliative.

I always loved that song. But I think it's message is to keep your mouth shut, ironically, don't you think?

Slight t/j I had a poster of Depeche Mode and I used to blast this song in my college dorm room. And I would think about how I was cheating on my first BF with several guys. Seriously.

Sorry you are hurting.

facethemusic, I'm happy to hear that your BH decided to R. Wish you the best!

Cee64D, thanks so much for the insightful post. You are right on with so many of the things BH is feeling. I remember when I told him he was in shock for days, and still struggle with believing that I was capable of such betrayal. The other day he looked at me with such pain in his eyes, and said in tears "I miss the sweet girl I married so much. What did you do with her, you devil? Are you a body snatcher? You're not her. She's dead. I want my sweet [my name] back." It completely broke my heart to hear that. I miss the me before I went to hell to. I was loved and happy. A lot of times I wish I could just wake up and find this is all but a nightmare. But it's very real. I have to do everything I can to help BH heal from this horrible pain. I'm committed to the task.

OK Now, you're right on target with how BH is feeling. I feel horrible for making him feel this way. I definitely need to be 100% supportive. He went thru the worst depression in the aftermath and the way he coped definitely had me worrying about his health. I can't tell him not to drink or smoke, but I can be there and be supportive.

Mrs Panda, yes I do know the song is about keeping one's mouth shot I just thought it describes the struggle before the truth telling quite well. I don't regret the consequences of the policy of truth though.

[This message edited by burntashes at 8:31 PM, September 10th (Friday)]

Hi FTM, another BS here.

Please have patience with me if you've already been posed these questions - I have 4 kids and didn't take the time to read every post.

I thought about this a lot last night... it's quite a situation. Here are my questions - all rhetorical - you certainly don't owe me the answers. They are also authentic, not meant to sound fecicious (sp?) in any way. If I were in your BH's shoes, this is what I would be asking:

1. Why now? Why, after 6 years of infidelity and 2 previous DDays (which must have shown you BH's devestation), did you decide that it's important to be faithful now?

2. 6 years with one OM... is a really long time. It almost sounds like a double life - not really sure if that's accurate, but something close. How are you eradicating OM from your life?

3. What will replace the A now? How will you be filling that void that the A filled for you?

These are all really important stepping stones for your BH to be part of and witness to - you NEED a true understanding of how you got to where you are.

Big kudos for getting honest... Even innocent exaggeration is not ok anymore... because to me it's back to square one. FWH can't swear like a trucker around work buddies and then talk like a prince at home... it's now percieved as dishonesty. (As in, who are you... really?) It's been hard for him to get it, but he's doing it, and he's not defensive. I think for people who have been habitual liars, it's really important to tighten up the honesty to the point that it's almost ridiculous, in order to begin to recognize when they are slipping into dishonesty. I'm pulling for you both...

Elbell,

Thanks for the thoughtful questions. Here are my answers:

1. I decided that I can't keep any secrets from BH anymore because I finally see how much he did love me. DDay1 and DDay 2 were devastating to me, but mostly because of how BH reacted. I thought I wasn't doing much wrong because I kept those feelings to myself in my head until the PA started. I hurt, but I recovered from them without examining what caused me to seek xOM's company. When I think about those 6 years it's as if I wasn't awake in my mind. I felt very sorry about causing my BH pain, and I thought that emotion itself was good enough to keep me straight. But the problems were rooted in my personality weakness and my communication problems with BH, and they weren't addressed until I finally began to face them recently. I saw how much BH had loved me where I only saw rejection and neglect before, and I saw my true self as it really was, selfish and deceitful and self rightuous. All I can think is why didn't I wake the hell up earlier before destroying BH's trust in me completely? Now because I realized what a wonderful man I had as my partner, and after my horrible betrayal, at least he deserves complete honesty. I didn't know what I got until it's almost (hopefully not completely, but not at all sure on this) gone.

2. It was a double life emotionally for a long time. My mind justified haning out with xOM because I thought of him as a friend, and we didn't talk about our relationship or romance. When the PA started, I knew I was leading a double life. It was not hard to go NC with xOM for me. The complete PA made me feel completely disgusted with myself and saw xOM for who he is, shallow and selfish. I sought attention from xOM because I thought BH didn't love me or care about what I had to say. I realized how foolish I was to think so after talking to BH openly about my feelings. The satisfaction from xOM was hollow because what I really wanted was BH to be happy with me. I don't want to be in any relationship where I sacrifice my dignity to be liked anymore, and that's why I have no interest in contact with xOM. I look back at my memories with xOM with sadness knowing that's what broke my marriage with BH. I feel much more solid as a person working on building a good sense of self based on honesty and solid moral principles than when I was having an affair. I realize I don't need or want xOM in my life.

3. Just realized I answered this one in #2.

Diddo on the part about being a habitual liar. Once I realized there's no reason for me to be affraid to speak my mind in front of BH, it's easy for me to be honest in everything I say to him. It's like a switch that flipped inside me. I was hiding behind lies because I was so affraid of the possible consequences of telling the truth. Now that I see the actual damaging consequences of those lies, I understand the monsters I feared from telling the truth became real because I didn't tell the truth. Once the fear is gone and I see clearly, I no longer feel any need to lie. The hard part is getting BH to trust my change. He only has my history of lying to base his opinion on, and he says he'll never trust me no matter how much I change. I feel very hopeless thinking about that, but I try to tell myself I got to change to be better for my own sake and DD's sake even if I have no chance with BH. The sadness of losing BH's love and trust completely is crushing. But I try to live with the pain and learn something from it.

BS here. It's going to take time. Like they say, once another DDay or TT comes out - you're starting at ground zero AGAIN....

I know you mentioned that IC was not possible anymore for financial reasons.

But for me, the IC my FWH was going to was one of the key reasons why I gave and continue to give him and our M a chance.

It really shows the BH that you are trying to fix YOURSELF and acknowledging that the A was about your broken self.

You'll be spending a heck of alot more $$$$$ in lawyer fees if you go through D - so consider it an investment and a worthwhile one - hopefully, he'll get to the point of R - as he sees you working on it.... and there will be no lawyer fees.

And if doesn't work out, you've invested in yourself for a better you.

It's worth fighting for - and it's going to be hard.

Keep trying.

ftm... sounds like you've been very introspective. This quote:

When I think about those 6 years it's as if I wasn't awake in my mind.

resonates with me. I believe, whether from infidelity or something else, that we've all probably experienced a fog of some kind. It's amazing what the world suddenly looks like when that veil lifts.

Whatever your BH's decision, he has bought you some time to start showing him the changes, take advantage of that. Do extreme things, don't hold back. When I had DDay #2 and found out it was PA, I remember thinking that the bottom line was my 3 kids, and how badly I did not want to put them through the hell of divorce. FWH even knew that was the string I was hanging by, but it bought him time and he has done his best to earn his place with me. It's been nothing short of hell, expect that.

Also... divorce is not necessarily the end. Our MC was the WS in his M, and even though his BS divorced him immediately, 2 years later they re-married. If you're really serious about your H, don't let separation or D cause you to give up.

Prayers for you!

burntashes - forgive me for being blunt. you have given your husband good reasons not to trust you or even like you. if you are sincere about wishing to reconcile with him, you should keep trying with your words and your actions. even if he decides to proceed with a divorce, your heartfelt efforts may help both of you to feel a little bit better.

always loved that song. But I think it's message is to keep your mouth shut, ironically, don't you think?

I've always liked this song, too--it's ambiguous enough that I can understand why it might be used here to promote truth-telling. But I've always felt as though the message was, "Don't be an idiot! Telling the truth will get you in trouble---hide it!"

It came up on my iPod this morning when I was walking. I listened carefully to the lyrics, then replayed it a couple of times.

It's a cheater's song. Its message is NOT one that advocates a "policy of truth." Its message is quite the opposite.

OP, there are days when what my husband did overshadow every possible effort he can make. In truth, he is not making many efforts. But even if he were, it would not be enough.

There are other days when the tiniest gesture means the world to me.

Be consistent--do the right thing because it's the right thing to do, not because you expect credit for it. Be the best person you can be.

The chips will fall where they may---but you will have done what needs to be done for yourself. You can't control your wife's behavior or perceptions. You can only be the person you were meant to be. (((Hugs)))

burntashes

I highly believe in IC for you. Here in my area it would cost $90 a session. That is with insurance don't know if you could get a break if you have no Insurance. You want one that deals in infidelity.

Ok now from a BS standpoint.

Look I didn't deal with my pain years ago. So I am having serious issues now. There are days I want a divorce I am being honest here. There are days I hate my spouse. But I stay because I am not sure what I want. I stay because I love my FWS.

He is staying.. Get yourself and him into therapy. Find a way.Ok.