SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What was he doing with his sadistic impulses all these years?

He has told Burntashes that:

he wants to flush her from his life

she is worthless

he wants to "beat the hell" out of her

he is only so angry with her because he loves her so much

Burntashes has felt abused emotionally, but she believes it is because she has negative thinking.

These are all prior-A. BA - What would you think if someone did this to your daughter?

I, too, believe people do not go from 0-60. There are skeletons in his closet.

Burnt.. keep reading and learning... It's going to sink in.

You just added yourself that he said you have no backbone. By accepting his disrespect, you are showing no backbone. He will NOT respect you or think highly of you. if roles were reversed, would you respect him if he allowed you to see other men? And picked you up at hotels where you met them? And then you told him you wouldn't pass the opprotunity to be with another man?

You are in a very weak state of mind because of the pain you are in. You are his doormat. You are his punching bag. He is not healing. He does not need this. No marriage ever healed this way.

I've read lots of articles, books, info online, discussed at length with a counselor, have read or been involved in hundreds of threads here, learned from the wisest people on SI, and from making every possible mistake myself. I am no certified expert but I am very experience as are many here. Trust me, he is wrong. You are wrong to tolerate it.

Learn what boundaries are. We can help you. You set boundaries. He sets boundaries. Sometimes you negotiate. Always you each respect the others boundaries. Boundary number one - No outside partners in the marriage for you or for him. If either of you two refuse to cooperate, then go to the courthouse and file. It doesn't mean that a divorce is what you want. Its just the best option of the crappy ones available at the moment.

You said you posted this so that it doesn't make him so much like the bad guy. He said he will not deny himself the opprotunity of being with other women.

Whatever you judge this to be - bad or good - there is your answer. He does not want to be a husband to you. You don't need more information or more confirmation.

I need to be more patient... I keep saying that we need to give you time for stuff to sink in. Ok... (deep breath) I'm trying.

You absolutely have the right to demand that he stop seeing other women. And I mean now. You have the right, no matter what mistakes you've made - he has far exceeded them.

He only did that with me because he really loved me and wanted me to understand what he wanted me to learn

so, he slapped you because he REALLY loved you and he was just trying to prove a point...

this breaks my heart..your coming to his defense when his actions are reprehensible breaks my heart.....he's made it clear that this behavior is going to continue and that he will place ALL the blame on you for as long as you will allow it...like we've said time and time again, think of your daughter...this is the example you both are setting for her...as she continues to witness this, she will believe that this is what a functional marriage looks like and she will seek out men who treat her the way her father treats you because hey, if mom let him to do it, it must be okay...is this what you want for her? forget what he wants...what about what you want???? what about what YOU can and should do for you and your daughter's safety, health & well being? My hope is that you listen to us, WS & BS alike, especially the BS's who have told you repeatedly that his behavior, as a BS, is UNACCEPTABLE. If another BS is expressing this to you, you've got to find validity in it.

As always, I pray for you and your daughter. I even pray for your broken husband. I pray that you find wisdom, clarity, and the strength to do what you need to do in order to deliver yourself and your daughter to a place of peace and sanity...

I pray that you find wisdom, clarity, and the strength to do what you need to do in order to deliver yourself and your daughter to a place of peace and sanity...

This...please burntashes, even if you feel you have to work through the process, get her somewhere safe.

burnt please check in with us....

we are coming on really strong because we care...

if you are not ready yet that is o.k., just please keep posting and reading...

(((burntashes)))

No you should not.

He is NOT trying to heal. Why don't you want to accept that?

I guess I can understand that love is blind. And maybe you don't want to believe the advice of a bunch of former Waywards.

So go see a professional. Cut whatever expenses you can and go. Please.

What about your parents or a sibling? Or a close friend? Who can you trust?

P.S. Teacherman is right on and very levelheaded. Please read his posts again carefully.

slight t/j...

Why don't you want to accept that?

Mrs. P ~ I don't think it's a matter of wanting to accept it; I believe her mental state is weakened by him. He is an abuser. Part of their dynamic is to get the victim to buy into their bullshit. She's bought into it. It's obvious in all of her posts. It's not that love is blind, per se, it's more like the abuser has taken your sight from you.

And maybe you don't want to believe the advice of a bunch of former Waywards.

she's gotten plenty of advice from BS's as well and it mimics what we're telling her...

[This message edited by MissesJai at 4:43 PM, September 28th (Tuesday)]

You are all right in your advice. I've tried and tried to justify BH's seeing other women to myself, but Teacherman is right, I alreay feel the anger that I'm trying to supress from time to time.

I just gave BH an ultimatum. He accused me of controlling him. He asked the natural BS question "So it's OK for you to cheat on me for such a long time but not OK for me?" He said the marriage was done the day I told him, and he's done no wrong because he told me we don't have a relationship from then on, that he's only staying for DD. I told him I'm not trying to control him, that I know how horrible and shameful my betrayal was, and he has every right to leave me as the result, but I want to give us a chance and his behavior is only serving to make sure we kill any last bit of hope of getting back together. I said I am only showing him how much it hurts me, that I can't live in a on paper married arrangement where he's living the single life.

BH is thinking hard about it. He said I'm making him make a very difficult choice of giving up the only source of happiness for him right now, but he also said he doesn't want to throw away a chance either (I think that means us...hoping I'm not delusional). He left to do some work and said he'll think about it. I am just numb from the pain I can't even feel anxious about what he'll decide. I may well be on the way to divorce in the next couple hours. Oh well, either way maybe we can have some peace with his decision. Ah the fear, here it is knotting up my stomach. The gravity of it all is hitting me now.

I feel that I've done BH too much wrong already, and didn't want another post to make him look like the bad guy.

If he looks like a bad guy, then maybe you need to pay attention to the whole "looks like a duck, acts like a duck" syndrome. For the record, I'm a BS, but I'm also an abuse survivor, and I see you because I saw myself. My X, like I have said, was abusive in the beginning, then subverted it for 10 years. No physical abuse during all of that time. I didn't leave after the physical abuse that broke my nose, although I should have; it was only when we went through it again that I was able to see clearly what he was doing with the manipulative behavior. I got a chill in my veins when he explained to me that it was only natural to him that since I wasn't listening to him, that he yank me off the sofa by my feet, forcing my back to hit the ground, then picking me upside down to swat my backside because I was behaving like a spoiled child. I get that same chill listening to why it was okay for your husband to slap you because he didn't do it hard, and you were so emotionally detached you deserved it. I get that same chill listening to him tell you that he has to have comfort from outside and listening to you beg to be allowed to comfort him when he's the one who should be begging your pardon at this point.

Something in you knows that he's killing your soul off by inches, or you wouldn't be here. He's not the only one with issues; if you still had some dignity and self-respect, you would have packed up your child and left already. There's a hole inside of you, too, that won't be satisfied, and you seem to have fixated on him as the one to heal that hole in you.

It's not going to happen. And I fear for your safety while you sit there and wait for him to fill you up. Please get help. Please talk to a counselor. Please do something that says that you value yourself as a person of worth.

[This message edited by veritas at 5:02 PM, September 28th (Tuesday)]

He said I'm making him make a very difficult choice of giving up the only source of happiness for him right now

once again, he's placing the blame squarely on your shoulders. If this is a source of happiness for him, then his definition of happiness is severely twisted....

...And they'll try to stop your singing

To keep you from the light

(Janis Ian, "From Me to You"

You picking him up after he meets with a prostitute at a hotel is his happiness?

I've read through this stuff, and I guess I'll add my perspective to this array of comments:

The longer you accept what he is doing, the more likely it will cause permanent psychological damage to both of you. Kudos for you giving the ultimatum. It's the only way that HE can possibly heal. It's the only way you can RESPECT him. Good job.

The uncertainty is always going to feel like crap. There's nothing you can do about it. Just accept that you don't know and try to prepare mentally for a variety of outcomes.

There is a good chance that you two are going to have to separate for a while before he can heal at all. Do not be afraid of this! Lots of the time, an abuser like this needs a wake-up call. Some are longer than others. If he comes back and says he's done with you forever, don't overreact. Don't cave in. Stick to your ultimatum. There's a good chance he will come back to you down the road a different person.

We're all thinking of you and hoping for the best.

One last thing and I'll stop badgering you... I totally believe that he loves you greatly.

Do you think that love and abuse are mutually exclusive?

Duplicate

[This message edited by UnexpectedSong at 7:44 PM, September 28th (Tuesday)]

For the first time I think we've made real progress. BH told me he's done messing around. He feels foolish for doing it. He started planning for the future with me and said he was glad he didn't piss me off for good H said he can't promise about future certainty right now, but he does love me and want to try to make it work. I think we're actually in R! I thanked him and told him I am very grateful that he wants to make things work between us and I would definitely not take it for granted. I'm very happy that we agree to move forward to try to stay together in such a clear agreement. I know I would not screw up this time around.

This is progress. Congrats on standing up for yourself.

Boundaries. Stick to them. You and him both. Do not accept mistreatment from him.

According to your posts, he fluctuates wildly. Expect him to back away from any progress today. When that happens, you must stay strong. Let him know what is unacceptable.

Enjoy the break in your stress. :) you are making progress.

He accused me of controlling him. He asked the natural BS question "So it's OK for you to cheat on me for such a long time but not OK for me?"

For the record, this is not a natural BS question. Two wrongs do not make a right.

Congrats!

(Edited to to include a "remember, you're on a rollercoaster" sign)

[[Going up...]]

[This message edited by lostperfection4 at 10:29 PM, September 28th (Tuesday)]

i am so happy that you got a positive response...and i really really hate this, but tread lightly and be prepared for anything...this is called a rollercoaster for a reason...

and as teacherman has stated enjoy the break and make the most of it...