SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I hit me right between the eyes. I can't tell you how many times I've apologized to my four kids and every time they say…thats ok...everytime I tell them no no its not. Its the sad way they say it it would hurt less if they cussed me I think.

The sadness I see in my bs would destroy any fond memory (if there were any and there definitely aren't )…even when im driving alone and I pass something that reminds me of ow its like I've been kicked in the stomach.

I know the pain these things cause me wouldn't fill a thimble compared to the ocean of pain they cause my BS.

I have said the same things to myslef & BS over and over. (JuSt not as eloquently) Except, mommy did it. Mommy and wife did it. I ruined my BH life and I'm the one who deserves the hell and tortue and pain. I wish I could just make it all better. I wish I could heal his broken heart. But mostly, I wish I never did what I did. I betrayed my heart and soul. I slaughtered the innocent lamb. ME not in any way shape or form HIM. IT WAS ALL 1,0000% ME.

Remorse? Only for her self. What the LTA did for/to her. She dumped OM after 3+ years because she finally realized he was using her.

My wife's statements of remorse still come chock-full-a-Personal Pronouns.

Her big concern right now is that Thanksgiving and Christmas will be "ruined".

One of the articles that doesn't make me stop crying... And I'm about to pick up BH from his badminton game.

How truthful and how it stabs my heart to acknowledge this...

I'm past the "How in the hell did I do that to him?!"

BS's, do I let BH know I read this? And that I'm aware of this now? So clear from the fog? BH changes the topic everytime we're on a good day and i talk to him, ask him how he is and stuff i've learned here in SI. 9months since DDay and I have no idea how he is. Mostly good days though lately (sorry kinda off topic i think).

I pray that, if we are the sum of ALL of our actions, may all of us WSes that truly feel the pain we have caused not have to live in filth for the rest of our lives

... and may our BS's help us. For me, he's the only source of strength. Oh, I have SI to help. Thanks.

Wow. I am just sobbing. And the kicker is I think my WS knows and feels every bit of this.....but his knowing it and understanding it now can't undo what has been done. I wish he had read this before.

I have been here now, 6 years. My first d-day was 9/6/2004. I filed for divorce 9/2006.

What's funny about reading this is this: every time I see this, a different part of it is applicable to me. It's nice to know how much I have changed.

It used to make me cry and hurt and bring emotions to the surface, particularly, since i NEVER, EVER got the kind of remorse expressed in this letter. My WXH simply did not want to face what he did. I got the "Kids are resilient." shit and the "They'll be happy because I'm happy." shit.

Now, because mostly the betrayal has shaped who I am in both good and bad ways, the only line that stands out to me is this:

Her whole life in all its stages gambled on you.

I did. I gambled on love. I picked a loser, and now I get to start over. I guess I'm at the point where I just shrug. There are SO many bad people and losers in this world. People who just "don't get it."

The article doesn't even phase me anymore. More like a shrug of acceptance. I guess maybe that's good, right? Like "So the man I chose to be the father of my kids stabbed me in the heart? Ehh..whatcha gonna do?" Shrug, move on.

Here's to progress, if that's what it is.

t/j Razor, your story is so sad, why don't you D her? I just cannot imagine spending my life with someone who has "fond memories" of her LTA. I would rather live in poverty than with someone who hurt me like that and does not even "get it."

The article doesn't even phase me anymore. More like a shrug of acceptance. I guess maybe that's good, right? Like "So the man I chose to be the father of my kids stabbed me in the heart? Ehh..whatcha gonna do?" Shrug, move on.

My wife and I had this exact conversation last night, willow!

I was telling her how at this point (4 yrs), all I have left of the infidelity processing is just the intellectual bits. I can't summon up the feelings anymore, just kind of a vague "been there, done that."

In fact, more often than not, I look back on remembering how awful I felt (wishing God would just kill me already, completely destroyed, wounded in my soul forever, blah, blah, blah) and my reaction to my other self is...you were such a whiny little dork. Or "Jesus, dude, could you be more dramatic? It wasn't *that* big of a deal."

Acceptance has a funny way of minimizing your own pain after awhile, of getting you to a place where all you have to say about your own experience is "Lived it. Bored with it. Moving on."

How you can steal someone’s dream and leave it tattered and stained, unrecognizable and unsalvageable. And not just any someone. The one person who has given you more than any other. The only one who truly understands you and cares about you, and who proved it by giving herself to you. By having faith in you and supporting you. By taking your name and taking your fate.

This.

God help me, I opened the time capsule we put together when our oldest child was born and I read what I'd written about my dreams for the future and what I wrote was "To provide a happy, loving family for our son."

It was the ONLY thing I wrote. It was the ONLY thing I wanted out of life. We're pretty wealthy, and all I can tell you is that there is more than one kind of poverty. I walk into my house and all I ever think is "it's a pretty little lie."

I don't cry much anymore -- but that ripped a couple out of me.

If we're throwing in Saints:

Those who commit these types of scandals are guility of the spiritual equivalent of murder, but I', here among you to prevent something far worst for you. While those who give scandal are guilty of the spiritual equivalent of murder, those who take scandal- who allow scandals to destroy faith- are guilty of spiritual suicide. -- St. Francis de Sales

I have an IRL friend who is a FBW (D'ed 5 yrs. ago) and I said to her: how is it possible for two people to ruin my life by doing something I wasn't even there for and knew nothing about? And what is wrong with me that I've let them? I feel like no matter what I do I'll always be broken in some way and that really pisses me off.

And her reply -- now 5 years after her Dday -- was: There's got to be some happy medium between being so trusting that you get fooled and being completely cynical, but damned if I've found it.

shattered.

t/j Razor, your story is so sad, why don't you D her? I just cannot imagine spending my life with someone who has "fond memories" of her LTA. I would rather live in poverty than with someone who hurt me like that and does not even "get it."

Life is oftimes more complex than one would prefer. Didnt we ALL say we would leave if our WS cheated BEFORE we actually experienced infidelity? Life is to complex. Issues are not simple black and white images. To much gray. To many extenuating circumstances.

And its easy to say *you would rather live in poverty than .. * if you have never experienced REAL poverty.

This is to much of a t/j for this thread. If you want to discuss this issue more you can PM me.

Razor