SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She gave someone blow jobs for a year and she wants you to forgive and forget in 7 months?

Just thought i would add that this statement could also be a projection of her own feelings.

either how can i forgive myself

or

how could i forgive him if he did this to me.

I got the exact same phrase from my WW, in hindsight in my situation i think it was a combination of her projecting her own inability to forgive her own actions, and then using it as one of a number of pretenses to decide that R was futile, and therefore she doesnt have to feel any guilt about asking for a S.

What was really sad is that i was actually feeling quite a long way along the path towards forgiving her.

How do you go on loving a WW after such a betrayal? I dont know, i just never stopped i guess. For me much harder has been how to Stop loving her when she asked for S & D.

Sure after the Betrayal i didnt love her the same way as i did before, but i did still love her, if i didnt then i dont think the S would have hurt as much.

IMHO if you really dont love her, then you really should consider wether staying together for whatever reason is doing more long term harm to you and your kids than leaving would.

Ask her these questions:

How does she define forgiveness?

What does she expect you to do that make her feel she is forgiven?

In what ways does she NOW see and think you haven’t forgiven her?

I might add in to ask her what she has done to deserve forgiveness... what actions has she taken to repent?

ETA: thyme2go is correct, you should see a lawyer to protect yourself. She has blindsided you once already, and may do it again in court if you are not careful.

[This message edited by aesir at 6:57 AM, November 25th (Thursday)]

The forgiving takes a long time...2.5 years for me...I think your WS needs to read up on recovery from infidelity, and see that, though it is possible, it takes a LONG time...

FWS here, hope that's okay.

I don't believe I ever told my BH "You'll never forgive me." I'm not 100% sure since I may have in the early days after discovery. But what I'm almost positive I said was "I don't see HOW you can forgive me."

I'm not sure if he has deep down. I know he still has the bad dreams about it. In fact he had one just this morning. And I told him (again) that if I hadn't been such a selfish ass...

But as others have said, it sounds like your WW just wants you to "get over it." As a remorseful WS, I know this is not something you just "get over". It takes time and effort on the WS part to earn that forgiveness if it's in the BS to give it. I know it's in my BS to forgive me but I'm not sure if I've done enough to earn it. But I'll keep trying, for as long as it takes.

Upon thinking about it, maybe she is just asking how could I ever forgive her.

Not sure I can. But, I am trying. She is now answering every question I have for her. Which is helping a lot.

If she's just asking how is it possible for you to forgive her, my response to my H when he would ask that is "I know you'll never understand it and that's ok, just like I can't understand how you could break our vows. I have to do things that don't make sense to you because you are not in my shoes, and you've done things that don't make sense to me because I'm not in your shoes either. But we have to work through this together and in overcome our own hurdles and you just have to trust me that I'm trying to forgive you, it will take time, but you have to know that I am trying everyday."

It took me 2.5 years to finally fully forgive him. It took a good friend of mine 7 years to forgive her WH. It's different for everyone, but it's not for our WS's to say how long it should take, or to worry about how it's possible, because they are not in our shoes and can't understand our position. We are dealing with the slop we've been dished in the best way we know how. If we are able to give them the gift of forgiveness, then all the better for us.

Maybe what she is saying is, "I don't have to make an effort because you're not going to forgive me anyway." (and it is a HUGE effort that you both have to make imo) Just an excuse to let herself off the hook and take the easy way out and not have to look in the mirror. Just my opinion. I heard the same thing, even "Either you forgive me, or I'm going to D you." Sad. Hang in there. Wishing you well,

ds

Yep. I heard it too.

It was all bullshit.

So glad I filed and beat her to it..saved myself yrs of false R, lies and torture.

I'm almost 4 yrs out and still working on forgiveness. As others have said, it is something you achieve for your own well being. Otherwise the bitterness and anger will limit your emotional and spiritual recovery. It isn't about her at all. The timetable is totally yours. There is no "normal" time frame.

As far as your interaction with her - if you have chosen to live with her and attempt reconciliation you have to "fake it until you make it". If you don't feel love for her I think that is an almost impossible position to be in. However, I have found that I can love someone whom I haven't yet forgiven.

Try reading :

"Forgiveness Is a Choice: A Step-By-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope" BY:

Robert D. Enright

I found it useful.

Maybe you will one day forgive her and maybe not but your simply can't decide this right now. Not this soon.

But, on a positive note, you can't truthfully say that you WON'T forgive her b/c today you don't know that answer. Therefore the possibility DOES exist that you will forgive her, right?

My WW gave me the "You're never going to let this go" crap like a month after D-Day while she was still talking to the OM. It's been four months and she gets really frustrated that I'm still bothered by the A.

"I've moved past this, you need to do the same" -easy for her to say...